- Username: Cakes
- Location: Ahoskie, NC, USA
- Member Since: 11/14/2009
- BMI: 39.7
- Already had Weight Loss Surger
- Surgery Type: RNY (10/07/09)
- Surgeon: William Chapman M.D.
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Surgeon TestimonialWilliam Chapman M.D.One the biggest fears I had with Gastric Bypass surgery was the mortality rate. When I first met Dr. Chapman two things changed the way I approached WLS, mentally and emotionally: 1) He was straight forward and spoke his mind. 2)He was confident and reassuring. He discussed what would happen and what to expect. I didn't even need to ask questions from my prepared list. Following my surgery, I looked at my small scars. I smiled at how great I felt and when Dr. Chapman came to visit, I said \" Dr. Chapman, they said you have gifted hands. I believe they are right.\" Beware however, he is so busy and so requested, don't be insulted that he has fellows and other staff who work with him - and you. But, they more than make up for the fast moving Dr. Chapman. I personally feel very fortunate.
Cakes's JourneyClick Here To View
Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
Shame, self hatred, poor health, social anxiety all contributed to the roller coaster ride with my weight loss battle. I spent 18 monts in the gym with a personal trainer and nutritionist and only lost 45 pounds. They could figure it out either. Then one day I read that only 5% at my size ever lose and keep off weight.
Holier than Thou Attitudes! on December 26, 2009 6:51 am
Unlike Thanksgiving and my feelings of guilt and remorse, I took a completely different approach. Don't make food the enemy or treat my WLS as a "curse". I took a tablespoon or two of certain dishes, leaving the bread alone. Oh I loved the sweet potato pudding, cabbage, and shrimp and macroni salad (which is to die for...). I didn't need or want the turkey. Because everyones' plate was full to the brim, I could take my time to chew, chew, chew. Everything stayed down, no nausea, and no dumping. I was satisfied, felt no guilt. Later, while everyone was having carmel and nut covered apple pie and ice cream, I flirted with "sad". People kept apologizing to me when they made their plate. Finally, I took a fork and cut off an edge and enjoyed that blasterd pie.
Without trying to sound holier than thou, I was truly able to see how I became overweight by watching the eating habits of my family. But, I also learned that with my weight loss, small portions, and chew, chew, chewing... I could see in their eyes - unspoken feelings - so I grew increasingly silent and less conspicous about my weight loss and my approach to eating.
They are my family and less than four months ago, I was equal in my size and eating habits. Who the heck did I think I was that by my mere presence, making them feel guilt and remorseful for enjoying food and a Christmas meal where it has always been legal to cheat. Notice in the word cheat is "eat"? Folk wanted to talk about something besides me and my new "culture". You know, we sort of develop a new attitude about ourselves. We must take care that it is not a "holier than thou" attitude.
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Confessions on December 24, 2009 11:49 pm
I went to my weight loss group's Holiday party. The group host mainly those who have had the Band or RNY. We are at different stages - months vs years. Confession: My mouth was hanging open when I saw the portions some folk were fixing. I made myself eat only familiar items and portions. Confession: I have lost more in a few months than some who have had the band for more than a year. I am not sure how I feel about this. Guilty? Judgmental? Confession: I was anxious to get back to my computer and OH. I get so much info and support, here. While we can share our day to day trial and tribulations, it is after all, truly an individual journey. Confession: It was OH that got me through those first weeks following my surgery.
The New Year approaches. I wish all on OH a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Name and claim good health and healing, prosperity, a new attitude, a surgery date - where appropriate, a calmer and a more cooperative tummy. I am thankful for my many blessings. Here's to our individual journey where we are not "alone". Cakes
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Deja Vu all over again! on December 18, 2009 4:13 pm
I am trying to wrap my mind around change. Over the past 14 months, I bought new jeans in three different sizes. None of them fit when I bought them and over a period of time I went up, not down in size. A few weeks after surgery, I was able to get in the first pair. Two weeks later, they were baggie. So, I moved to the next size. Deja Vu. Today, I was getting dressed and tried on the final size and I could not believe it. Deja Vu all over again. I had to add a new hole in my belt. I looked in the mirror and I saw a hint of a waistline. A full figured waist, but a waist none the less.
Yesterday, I passed someone I had not seen in months. He spoke. yet kept walking. He stopped, turned around and caught up with me. He said, you know I almost didn't recognize you. What have you done to yourself? I smiled and said, lost a few. He hugged me, said "you look great". I said, thanks, I feel great. Deja Vu
With these new experiences and revelations, I was surprised that instead of wanting to "self destruct", an old and familiar behavior, I actually pulled out a pack of ground turkey and made some chili. It tasted great, but could not top how great I felt yesterday and today. Sabotage! Self Destruction! Not a deja vu I want to experience - all over again.
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Gotta luv yo' Momma! on December 13, 2009 12:52 pm
So many write about keeping WLS a secret to friends, co-workers and family. WHAT ABOUT TELLIN' MOM! My Mom was one of the last people I told. No one, and I mean no one can bring out the child in you like your Momma. I don't care how old you are. Mom is a prosecuting attorney, judge, and jury all rolled up in one. My voice increases at least one octave when explaining myself to Momma. At home recently, my Mom asked: Why would you have surgery that makes your stomach the size of a golf ball? Why couldn't they make it the size of an orange? If you lost all that weight before surgery, why couldn't you just keep on losing? Why would you do surgery that won't allow you to eat stuff you love. You just need to learn self control. You are doing it now, right? See, you could have done it before. Go look in the pot on the stove. I would offer you some of these hamhocks and collards, but you can't have those right? Did I tell you I made a Custard Graham Pie for desert. You can try that right? (And I did - hey... you can suffer thru for Momma) You loss 50lbs. I think I can see where you lost it.
OH friends, my responses are usually short and I have learned that no response at all is better. There is always what you say vs what you think. Oh, if she could hear my child appropirate,. lip poked out thoughts...
Momma, aren't you the one who pointed out to me that I was wobbling when I walk? Don't you love to tell everyone how you had to cut the nipple on my bottle because even then I couldn't eat fast enough. Wasn't it you who thought I looked pregnant (at 50)? Didn't you tell me to date tall men so i could look smaller? Weren't you the one who pointed out I should cut my hair so my face would look smaller. Didn't you suggest that tight, rather than the tent dresses I wore, would make me look smaller? Oh, and this one. Sweetie, are you sure you want WLS? Hump! You think you are hugh, well you have gained a lot, but you should see your cousin...!
No matter what, I gotta love my Momma, 'cause after all, she first loved me.
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Friends... Like a Slap in the Face! on December 11, 2009 12:28 pm
If you don't think support from others make a difference, you are sooo wrong. I was falling into a slump and comments from OH friends, was like one of those slaps in the face they use to show on TV when someone was hysterical. My goal is to write more to my new OH friends rather than just on the message boards. I committ to checking out their sites to find out if and what they are blogging, see if they need to hear from someone, need words of encouragement or hey, just a friendly slap in the face.
I have a friend who had WLS one month after I did. She lives in Texas. Too far to drive and compare notes. However, before surgery, we called each other a lot. Since surgery, I am not sure why, but she doesn't reach out as often. I continue to call her. I don't want her to see this as a competition... who lost more faster. I need to talk sometimes and listen sometimes. I want her to tell me when I am having a pity party. It helps to share with someone going through the same thing. It helps to do a sanity check - to vent to someone who understands. I feel drawn to this site and the new friends I am making here. I feel they will be honest, open, direct, yet caring.
So, to my OH friends, feel free to give me a pat on the back, a boot in the pants or a slap in the face as required. I will try to return the favor. I know in either case and I hope you know as well that it will be from the heart.
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Large and In Charge on December 9, 2009 6:49 am
I deleted a recent blog I had written. It was full of "fears" and self condemnation. Fear is of the devil and the devil is a liar. My God is large and in charge. I give all fears and negative spirits and behaviors over to God. Greater is the power in me, than he who is in the world! I am blessed. I prayed for this new me and I will not give in to negative thinking and negative behaviors. It I fall down, I will get up and Stand. Large and in Charge, thats me and that's my God. (PS... Thanks Nurse T)
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The Shame, the Guilt on December 5, 2009 11:27 pm
Yesterday, I drove almost four hours to host a meeting at my college. Someone brought take out fried chicken, mac salad, potato salad, sodas, rolls, etc. Everyone was making a plate and prepared myself to sip my sugar free tea. I watched everyone sitting around the table crunching on their chicken. I had packed my drinks and food for the trip. After reading Hercules post about his temptation to eat, I knew I had to confess. I was not as strong as he. It was not hard resisting the mac and potato salads, rolls and sodas, but the chicken kept calling my name. I finally got up and got a thigh. It was cold so the crusting was hard. but...... I sat there saying to myself how embarrassing it would be if I started to dump right there in front of all those people. I was blessed and saved the embarrassment. But, I was not spared the shame and the guilt. Then the worry set in... Did I damage my stomach, my stoma?
You know what? I have tried to remember the taste of that chicken so I can savor the memory, but it has not come. I confess that I did enjoy the "sensation" of crunch. Anyway, the rest of the day, I ate my nuts and my chili and sipped the tea that I had packed for my road trip.
The Shame and the Guilt are what I hope I can dump! I wish I had not wasted it on a blasted piece of chicken. Why couldn't I have used that shame and guilt on some Shrimp Egg Foo Yong, or an egg roll, a double cheese taco, or some something... I can think of so many things. What I think about more, what I am reminded of is that I had a surgery that changed my insides and eating habits forever because I couldn't manage on my own. One day at a time, dear Jesus, thats all I'm asking of you, One day at a time.
In the meantime, I chose to forgive myself for being human.
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A Change is Gonna Come! on December 2, 2009 4:46 am
I have written a few messages to the OH message boards I was operating from fear, lack of faith and fear. I am seeing changes in many areas. I don't like food the way I used to, my taste buds which had changed dramatically are coming back, but I don't find that I want to binge. I realize that I never chewed my food thoroughly and I ate very very fast. I used to think those skinny women were just eating soooo slow. But it gave me time to hit the buffet for another plate. The other night at Pizza Inn, I had to drink an unsweetened tea while everyone devoured pizza and fried wings. But, really, I found I did not even mind - much. I sure wanted one of those wings! Oh,
I still throw up and get food stuck. Crap, I am undoing 59 years of eating habits. Throwing up and choking are harsh reminders, but great behavior modifiers.
On the board, I complained that I was not losing the size to go with the weight loss. Well, the other day, the outfit I wore - that I used to worry about busting at the seams, is too baggy and I honestly can't wear it anymore.
On the board, I wrote about my truly ugly fatty areas in my thighs. Yesterday I put on some leggings and realized that about 1/3 of the fat is gone in each leg. Still ugly, still troubling me, but I know a change is gonna come.
I was worried about the slow weight loss, but over the past two weeks, I had a big drop! But, the bottom line is that most of those things I worried about have resolved themselves. On all the message boards, they reassured me and I am grateful for that. My walk is a Christian one and I should know to have faith and to know that "this too shall pass". But, I won't beat myself up too bad when I fall. I will pick my "smaller butt'" up and remember to "Stand". "A Change is gonna come!"
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