So many write about keeping WLS a secret to friends, co-workers and family.  WHAT ABOUT TELLIN' MOM!  My Mom was one of the last people I told.  No one, and I mean no one can bring out the child in you like your Momma.   I don't care how old you are.  Mom is a prosecuting attorney, judge, and jury all rolled up in one.  My voice increases at least one octave when explaining myself to Momma. At home recently, my Mom asked:  Why would you have surgery that makes your stomach the size of a golf ball?  Why couldn't they make it the size of an orange?  If you lost all that weight before surgery, why couldn't you just keep on losing? Why would you do surgery that won't allow you to eat stuff you love. You just need to learn self control.  You are doing it now, right?  See, you could have done it before.   Go look in the pot on the stove. I would offer you some of these hamhocks and collards, but you can't have those right? Did I tell you I made a Custard Graham Pie for desert. You can try that right?  (And I did - hey... you can suffer thru for Momma)   You loss 50lbs.  I think I can see where you lost it. 

OH friends, my responses are usually short and I have learned that no response at all is better.  There is always what you say vs what you think.  Oh, if she could hear my child appropirate,. lip poked out thoughts... 

Momma, aren't you the one who pointed out to me that I was wobbling when I walk?  Don't you love to tell everyone how you had to cut the nipple on my bottle because even then I couldn't eat fast enough.  Wasn't it you who thought I looked pregnant (at 50)?  Didn't you tell me to date tall men so i could look smaller?  Weren't you the one who pointed out I should cut my hair so my face would look smaller.  Didn't you suggest that tight, rather than the tent dresses I wore, would make me look smaller?  Oh, and this one.  Sweetie, are you sure you want WLS? Hump! You think you are hugh, well you have gained a lot, but you should see your cousin...!

No matter what, I gotta love my Momma, 'cause after all, she first loved me. 
 

Yesterday, I drove almost four hours to host a meeting at my college.  Someone brought take out fried chicken, mac salad, potato salad, sodas, rolls, etc.  Everyone was making a plate and prepared myself to sip my sugar free tea.  I watched everyone sitting around the table crunching on their chicken.  I had packed my drinks and food for the trip.  After reading Hercules post about his temptation to eat, I knew I had to confess.  I was not as strong as he.  It was not hard resisting the mac and potato salads, rolls and sodas, but the chicken kept calling my name.  I finally got up and got a thigh.  It was cold so the crusting was hard. but......  I sat there saying to myself how embarrassing it would be if I started to dump right there in front of all those people.  I was blessed and saved the embarrassment.  But, I was not spared the shame and the guilt.  Then the worry set in... Did I damage my stomach, my stoma? 

You know what? I have tried to remember the taste of that chicken so I can savor the memory, but it has not come.  I confess that I did enjoy the "sensation" of crunch.  Anyway, the rest of the day, I ate my nuts and my chili and sipped the tea that I had packed for my road trip.

The Shame and the Guilt are what I hope I can dump! I wish I had not wasted it on a blasted piece of chicken.  Why couldn't I have used that shame and guilt on some Shrimp Egg Foo Yong, or an egg roll, a double cheese taco, or some  something... I can think of so many things.   What I think about more, what I am reminded of is that I had a surgery that changed my insides and eating habits forever because I couldn't manage on my own.  One day at a time, dear Jesus, thats all I'm asking of you, One day at a time. 

In the meantime, I chose to forgive myself for being human.