Been away for a few days.  Went to my college homecoming.  It was a blessing and a curse.  One of the most obvious love hate experiences to date.  The women pretending to be so happy at my weight loss - who probably were secretly happy that I had gotten fat after college - really fat.  Oh, the men - the men were acting stupid.  Those same men who often gave me the "you have a sweet personality and cute face although you are fat look"  for the past several years - well, they were talking instead of just looking.  Then there were the sincere shock and appreciation from others.  Awe and words of encouragement.  I had to be careful that I did not show off.  Because inside I knew I had lost a lot of weight, but dang 245 is still fat! 

Oh heck, I ain't gonna lie.  I knew I looked better than I had in years.  But, you know me, there is always a funny side.  Some of the clothes I tried on two weeks before were falling off of me and pants were baggy.  I had to wear some of those pants, as it was all I packed for everyday wear.  I kept hiking them up even with a belt.  You know, that sag you get in the front when there is no longer a stomach pushing it tight and no butt in the back??  I had to laugh at myself in the elevator mirror.  Some I told the truth, others I said restrictive diet.  One person just bodily asked,  just how much weight have you lost.  When I said 90 pounds and 80 to go, I left her standing there with her mouth still open. Ain't I a "bit**?  (lol)  I may have over eaten a little, but mostly, I found there is always something safe to eat or drink (water) - common sense eating.  What an amazing concept!.  I can't wait for next year with 80 more pounds gone.  I will have to wear a bullet proof vest for all the "eye daggers" in my back.   I am loving this WLS thingie! 

I am six pounds from 100 lost  Six. 6.  So why have I been doing things that slowed that accomplishment?  I could not fully understand where my head was.  Something was not right.  Thank God for OH because two things happened.  One)  I read H*** post about complacency, rationalization and grazing.  Two) I saw that B*** had reported that she was home from the hospital, I had the strangest feelings. I realizes I wanted her to share in "detail" how she was transitioning.  

Let me see if I can word this right.  OK, here goes. I miss the last four months. I was giddy with the challenge of  drinking only prescribed liquids pre and post op.  I miss that feeling of - sweet victory!  I miss the newness of feeling full.  I miss becomng excited about learning to eat all over again.  I miss that first high of seeing my baggy jeans. I miss complaining about how much I was learning to hate boiled and scrambled eggs.  Call the guys with the belted jacket - because I realize that I miss the experience of dumping when I ate something I knew I shouldn't  have - the combined feeling of fear and excitement of my "first time".  Everybody warned about dumping and hey - I was dumping!  I guess what I am experiencing Is kinda like the empty nest thingie. All those feelings of wanting to strangle your teen are starting to fade and I need a new baby. All those big, exciting, scary, rewarding "first times" are gone. 

Oh my goodness.  I realize that  I can't wait for B*** to write about her experiences so I can live vicariously through her, relive those "first times".  So what do addicts do when that high is not there? They use.  And, food is my drug of choice.  But just like a drug addict - I am chasing the high (grazing) with no success.  My relationship with food was killing me.  I need to be careful never to let that happen again.  Be ever vigilante.  I am an addict for life, whether I am using or not.   I have six pounds to lose to get to 100. I need to get busy living or give in to dying - slowly - but dying just the same! 

The scales are playing with my emotions. Up and down 2-3 pounds.  I'd like to think I am not worried, not concerned.  But, it sure makes me stop and take an assessment of what I am eating and  making sure I don't get complacent, and get my butt back to the gym. The further I get from my WLS date, the more I push the envelope.  I have gotten slack in measuring and I sometimes skip meals.  My taste buds change from day to day.  I used to love a good T-bone steak.  Now, a few bites and I put it aside.  Just doesn't taste the same. I never thought I would rather have a bowl of  navy bean soup. 

I know they tell you not to put all your hopes in the "scale", but I know this... it sure will humble you when you see the numbers go up instead of down.  Heck, I could write 91 lbs lost, but that blasted scale keeps creeping back those 2-3 pounds.  I am humbled to the point of submission!