So I am one week post-op today and the emotional tidal wave has hit. While I am totally thrilled about the 11 pound weight loss since surgery (5 pounds lost 2 days prior on the liquid diet for a total of 18 pounds off in little more than a week). However, I am now experiencing all the emotions that I have pushed away for the last week "being strong" for everyone else. I am physically recovering well, I am up and about a doing chores around the house. I am pleased with that. I am glad to be strong in that way. But emotionally I am faltering. In the hospital I worked hard to overcome the pain of surgery to get up and going so that I could be in a good place to have visitors.....except.....no visitors. Not one. Of course, my Mom and Dad and husband stayed with me in shifts and I am grateful for that. But not friend. Not one person from the church staff. No one. I made sure everyone had my contact information and I even texted everyone right out of surgery to let them know I was out and doing really well (so good for receiving visitors). But, no one.

I got one card (before the surgery). All the people who said that they would bring my family dinner (since I wouldn't be able to stand the smell of food cooking and didn't want them eating out every day) have failed to follow through. My aunt brought over a bag of chicken nuggets and french fries from Kroger that I had to cook. Someone handed me cash last night at church so they wouldn't have to bother bringing us anything (as if we couldn't afford for the family to go out to dinner). It makes me feel invisible and worthless and not worth anyone's time. If I had died in surgery it would not have had any effect on anyone at all except my family.

I went to choir last night and everyone was surprised and pleased that I was there. Then a sheet started going around about throwing a baby shower for a choir member who is barely there (a couple of months out of the year at most) for her 4th son (and her Sunday School class threw her a party last week). Now, I am not begrudging that they are going to throw yet another party for her. But it just smacked me in the face. I ended up having to leave in the middle of choir completely sobbing. No one noticed. Not that I was doing it for attention. I would typically handle these feelings by pushing them back, keep thinking positive, then go home and eat. But, I don't have the strength right now not to feel what I am feeling. It obviously is triggering really old feelings from my childhood of loneliness and worthlessness. I just don't know  what to do about it right now. I guess I am in recovery in lots of ways.

So tomorrow is the big day. I have been on my pre-op diet of < 30g carbohydrates a day. Yesterday I started my liquid diet and Milk of Magnesia. Continued that again today. And....everything started going crazy. I arranged for my Mom to take me to the hospital since my husband works 3rd shift and doesn't have any vacation time left. Plus, my Mom is a nurse a will advocate for me a little bit better than my poor honey. And she really wanted to be there. My husband was going to keep the kids on as normal a schedule as possible and do the school drop off thing while my Dad and Mother-in-law took care of the kids overnight. My husband is going to be staying at my sister-in-law's house while I am in the hospital since she lives in Lexington and he won't have to drive back and forth (about 90 minute drive). And then....

My baby girl got sick this morning with what turned out to be an ear infection. So I had to leave my last day of work to take care of her. Then I called Day Surgery to confirm my surgery time and they said to come in at 8am. That means I now have to leave for the hospital before my husband gets home for work. So I am scrambling to arrange things for the kids at the last minute. Anyway, it's very complex, but it will get worked out.

Now let me tell you about the liquid diet. I now have an intimate knowledge of head hunger. Don't get me wrong. My stomach is growling like crazy (though I did lose 2 pounds in one day!). But food has never looked and smelled SO good. I have to admit that I did have ONE macaroni shells and cheese (not one BITE, but one shell) last night. It was wonderful. I could have eaten the whole pan. Then I had to go to Wal-Mart today to get baby girl's prescription. OMG. I could have eaten everything. I made it out of there with my sanity intact (barely) and got home to have some soup. The whole can. Then a protein shake.

What I wasn't prepared for is how emotional I am today. You are catching me at a pretty reasonable moment, but the slightest thing makes me start crying. I don't know why. I'm really excited about my new life. But it is also a little scary for me. Not the surgery (though I have plenty of crazy fears about that), but about the person into whom I will be transformed. You see, I have ALWAYS been fat. My Mom will tell you that I got fat on breast milk at 2 weeks old. Seriously. That is how long this has been an issue. So, I have survived the torture of childhood as a fat kid. Not only a fat kid, but a fat military brat. So add being overweight to moving all the time, it is a pretty lonely world for a kid. So, I got through (barely) with my share of baggage and pain added to an already bad problem. I have figured out how to cope. How to win friends and influence people by hard work, wit, and a sense of humor. So now my question is....who is this woman I am going to become? Only time will tell.

I will post as soon as I can about my hospital experience and recovery. Here we go...........!