I am 38 (or was when I wrote this anyway) and happily married to the love of my life. I feel like there is only one thing holding me back from being the person that I want to be and that is my weight.

I think that I have always had food issues. When I was a kid I would eat every sweet I could get my hands on. My Mom tried to hide the chocolate from me but I'd always find it! I was chunky as a kid but not overly so, I guess I was active enough back then. When I hit Jr. High I became severly depressed and remained so through High School. I come from a long line of really bad communicators on both sides of my family. I felt that if I stopped eating that I could get my Mom to notice me and pay more attention to me. She did notice but because she did not know how to communicate to me, she didn't really say much about it. I think I weighed 108 lbs. when I graduated high school and I was about 5' 6". I look at pictures of myself back then and cringe, not only because I was so thin but because I was so very unhappy. I continued restricting food until I moved out on my own. It was almost as though I didn't need attention from my Mom anymore so it wouldn't matter whether I ate or not. I gained some weight and actually was pretty healthy until (dramatic music here).......I met my first husband.

Sorry for any men who are reading this, not all of you are bad but this one was quite a jerk, and I was the dummy who married him so I was no better! Anyway, he was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler and while not physically abusive was very verbally abusive. He was also insecure and insecure people have a tendancy to cut you down to make themselves feel better and he was an expert at this. I really started to put on the pounds after he told me that he was tired of his friends telling him I was getting fat. I was furious and hurt. First of all, I'm your wife, even if deep down you agree with your friends 1) you NEVER tell me that and 2) you stand up for me! After that I told him "you want to see fat, I'll show you fat!" Another case of me punishing myself for not living up to what other people thought I should be. I put on about 70 lbs in 8 months and never really stopped eating. Food is and was my security blanket.

I finally ended my marriage when it was very clear to me that I was doing nothing but supporting his drinking and gambling habit. He did not really care whether I was there or not as long as the bills got paid and he could drink and play poker with his buddies or where ever else. I walked away from my marriage with nothing. Within four months of my leaving, our house was foreclosed upon and I had to file bankruptcy from all of the debts that we had. My severe depression was back and I was eating like there was no tomorrow!!

Fortuneatly for me I have some of the best friends in the world and they helped me through my divorce. I moved to the Sacramento area with my best friend who I've known since 7th grade, and her college roomate. My best friend even got me a job where she worked!

I spent the next few years trying to recover from my marriage, I felt very ashamed that I let this man treat me so badly and I never wanted to be treated like that again. I did not even so much as go on a date for three years, I wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted so that if I went out with someone rotten, I would not make the same mistakes.

Well I guess I did the right thing in my soul searching because I met my husband at work in 2001. He applied for and got a job where I worked and we knew each other for about a year before we started dating. He truly is the love of my life! He has two children from a previous marrage, a daughter who is 16 and a son who is 15. They are really terrific kids and I love them as though they were my own. Last year my daughter suprised us by making us grandparents and while we weren't crazy about how it happened, our grandson is of course the most adorable baby in the world!

I feel as though I have everything in my life that I have ever wanted except the ability to stop eating compulsively. I have conquered so much and this is a hurdle I just can't seem to get over, even with the love and support of my friends and family. I have made the decision that I am ready to take the next step and solve this problem before I compromise my health any further. I am ready for the healthy me that I deserve!