It has been such a long time since I updated. I often find myself having an odd love/hate relationship with this website. At times I love it because I am able to get support from OH friends and get advice when I need it. Or sense I am 2 years out, I can lend my experiences and first-hand knowledge to others who are just beginning this journey. But more often than not I find myself hating this same website because of how I allow it to make me feel. I spend too much time comparing myself to others. Too often I found myself wondering why I didn’t lose as much weight as someone else or why I’m not a single digit size like the women who just posted her “THANK GOD I’M A SIZE 6” photo album. I spent too much time worrying about my weight loss ticker and how fast or slow I was losing weight. I realize that a lot of these feelings are self imposed, but it has still been a struggle for me. I find myself being this way in all aspects of my life. Too often I find myself reacting this way in many other aspects in my life. I spend way too much time comparing myself to others and focusing on what I have yet to accomplish. But again this is a trait I recognize in myself and I am trying hard as hell to overcome it.

     I can hardly believe I am 2 years out!! It just seems as if I just started this journey yesterday. A lot has happened in 2 years, many ups and downs. New relationships have blossomed, while old ones have withered and died. I am now in my 2^nd year of graduate school. I had an extremely successful first year and I am looking forward to finishing my program (COME ON MAY 2010!!!). I recently got engaged over Christmas Eve. I was very surprised. I came into the relationship with my fiancé with so much baggage. I didn’t trust men, and I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved. However, he stuck with me and I am so grateful for it. We plan on having our wedding in either the summer of fall of 2010. We are currently severely broke….so we might have to push that date back a bit .

      My appetite has increased, and it has been a struggle to remain active. However, every time I get down on myself of feel like I am going to fail, I always find a renewed sense of energy and motivation. I understand now that I can never stop starting over. It’s okay to make mistakes, I’m not perfect. As long as I stick to my eating plan and work out regularly, I’m going to be ok. I’m a success story no matter what

Enjoying the Walk Down The Street
Current mood: awake

      Well I finally finished my first year of graduate school. It was challenging but overall it was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. This experience really solidified for me that I made the right decision by going into social work. This upcoming school year I start my fieldwork and I will be working in a women’s shelter. I am extremely excited and I can’t wait to get started. Weight wise I stay in the high 160’s low 170’s. I usually go up or down 10lbs once a month or so. But for the most part my weight is stable. Currently, I don’t have a huge appetite and I am back to eating smaller portions. I work out about 3-4 times a week for about 45 minutes to an hour. I especially like segmented workout DVD’s where I can work out for 20-30 minutes in the morning and then do another 20-30 in the evening. I am still staying away from sugar, fried foods, and white bread.

    I am starting to get to the point where I can actually talk to people about having the surgery. For a time I attempted to keep it a secret as if it was something to be ashamed of. But now if people ask or if it comes up in conversation I talk about the fact that I have had gastric bypass.

So I’ve been in hiding from several months. Hiding from OH.com, hiding from my friends, hiding from life in general. I definitely lost my way. I got caught up in the numbers on the scale and lost sight of my true goals. It took a long time but I finally realized my goal weight wasn’t the weight my surgeon set for me; it was one that my body chose for itself. So no I did not reach the magically 150. And I highly doubt I’d feel any better if I did. Right now I am loving my current size and I feel comfortable. I work out 3-4 times a week, and I watch my carb and sugar intake. Some days I eat a lot and some days I eat just enough. I don’t really count calories but I try to eat when I am hungry and eat enough to feel satisfied. I don’t really dump and I can tolerate most foods. Right now my favorite food is oatmeal with fresh apples. I just can’t get enough of it. I would really like to have plastic surgery right now but I know it’s something that will have to wait. I would love to get breast implants and a tummy tuck. I can deal with the lose skin on my arms and legs.

Well I am now 8 months out. This month was a disappointing one. It started of so well, my weight loss was back on track and all seemed right with the world. However during the past few weeks I’ve been struggling with a 4lb gain that I feel came out of nowhere. I am working out 5-6 times a week and the frustration of not seeing the scale move (OR at the very least stay in the same place, I’d be grateful for a plateau right now), has started back some of my binge eating habits. I am tracking them on my calendar and it happens late at night, about twice a week right now. I decided to join an Eating Issues Counseling group here at school. I hope that helps me try to face my binge eating demons. Because even though the surgery prevents me eating how I used to eat, the urge for the behavior is still there and at times I know I still manage to overeat. I’m starting to think maybe my current weight is my set point. The most obvious question now is can I live with that?

 So far I have enjoyed being back in school. Of course, it’s only been one week but so far I am enjoying my classes. For the first time in my life I can sit at a desk and cross my legs under it. I can also pull up and use those little half desks that pull up over on the side of your chair in large lecture halls. Back when I was in undergrad, I could never get those to sit flat because my stomach always got in the way. I also decided to finish my degree part time instead of fulltime. So it will take me 3 years to complete my degree instead of 2.  I am still struggling a bit with my transition into my new job. I have joined the school fitness center and I go there 3 times a week, and then I workout at home twice a week.  I also bike to all my classes.  I haven’t had much trouble finding suitable foods to eat in the school cafeteria, so I feel like I am adjusting to campus life fairly well.