Today’s topic: Failure

I haven’t posted in a while.  To be honest, it is because I haven’t had anything to say.  I haven’t lost ANY weight.  I haven’t lost ANY inches.  And while maintaining 200 lbs is impressive, I feel like I didn’t want the journey to stop here.  I DON’T want the journey to stop here.  It ISN’T going to stop here. 

Positive thought is not my forte.  I know pessimists live shorter, less fulfilled lives, but I am still working on the positive thought process.  I have decided that, despite the fact that my current insurance does not cover mental health, I need a therapist.  I am actively seeking one at this point.  I can’t do this alone, and I can’t do it with only the support of my family and friends.  I need someone who can help me break the food addiction, break the guilt complexes, and break the self-destructive thoughts.

Here is the deal:

I have lost an amazing 80lbs.  I only had 140 to lose to be “normal” and 110 to lose to be happy.  I am neither normal, nor happy.  I am proud.  I have lost 80 lbs by taking an active role in my health. 

I still feel like I should have lost more.  I am already 72% to my goal.  I should be able to make it the last 38%. 

What have I done?

Well, I really slowed dramatically in my weight loss in July.  At that point, I had lost 58lbs in 4 months.  In the next 8 months, I lost 22 lbs.  In September, I began dance classes.  I was dancing 9 hours a week.  I slowly began to increase my caloric intake.  In October, I began tracking my caloric intake.  It became easier to eliminate bad foods.  I also began dramatically increasing my water intake.  I am now at 3-5 liters a day.

In December, I hit 203.  Since then, I have bounced from 203 – 200 lbs.  For 3 months, I have weighed the same.  It has gotten to the point that seeing 203 causes panic attacks.  I weigh EVERY day because I am scared that I will miss the 199 if I don’t.   

In January, I cut back a little on the dancing.  Competition season is upon us, and some of my classes were competition classes.  I didn’t have anything to do while they were rehearsing.  So I cut back to 6 hours a week.  I tried to start working out in the gym in my apartment complex.  But, it didn’t work.  I can’t do it alone, and no one will go with me.

So here I sit, eating way too many calories (1300 – 1700), but starving if I don’t.  I am angry.  I am VERY angry because I see people who don’t exercise at all, hardly eat a thing, and they are down 100+ lbs.  WHY CAN’T THAT BE ME?  I refuse to become a bird.  I refuse to compromise my health for weight loss.  I won’t cut my caloric or nutritional intake to below a certain point.  For instance, I cannot see consuming less than 100 g of carbs a day.  I just can’t.  Disagree with me as you will, but I can’t.  It is so tempting to just say, “oh, well maybe there is something wrong with me.  Maybe the sleep study will clear things up; maybe it won’t.”  But I can’t do that.  I hate external loci of control.  I want to be responsible for my actions so that I can fix them.  I want to be able to change things and see results.  I don’t want to say why me.  But I do.  Because that is life.  So I don’t know if this pertained to failure or not, but that is what I feel like I did.  I failed.  I didn’t reach my goals.  But that is okay, because I am not going to fail this time.

Cyn