Well, it is less then 24 hours and Babs and family will be gone!  High noon tomorrow, Sept 23!

I can hardly wait!  I have waited so long to get rid of this hernia, it isn't even funny!   I will not have to wear a binder every day anymore (maybe for awhile after surgery but that is doable)  I won't have to do the potty dance every time I need to go!  Hopefully I won't have this god awful back pain, or if I do, I can do PT for it, which I can't do now!

I will be able to see my toes again!  I have lost a whole person and still can't see my toes!  I have a few other body parts I can't see, that will be visible again!   There are so many plus's to having this surgery tomorrow.

But I have to tell you, I am scared spitless!  I keep seeing myself 18 months ago, with my guts hanging out and then a month in the hospital with IV's and all the pain and everything.   I suppose this is normal to be concerned.  I know that the odds are against this happening again, but the odds were almost nil on my eviscerating myself to begin with!   Odds are really odd in my family.

I have lost so much time due to Babs and family that I won't be able to regain.  I have not been able to exercise much.  Bedrest for almost 4 months and then walking only for the next 14 months.  That was my prime losing time and it is gone.

I still lost a whole person, but imagine what I could have done if I had been able to be up and about right away!  Well there is nothing I can do about it now, except go on.

I have hit a 6 month plataeu and not happy, but at the same time I have not gained which is a bigger plus!  But with Babs going and they are doing TT/Pannectomy, I should lose a few more pounds.  And then I will really be able to start exercising.   So it will take a bit more work to get to my goal of 150.  My surgeon seems to be pleased with me now.  But I would like to try to lose a bit more.

Even if I don't, I am NOT a failure.  I have gone from a whooping 360 pounds at my highest, to 184 now(give or take 2 pounds for time of day)

That is NOT a failure!  Yes I am still obese at 5'2" but I have to remember I started out bigger around then I was tall! 

Complications and all, I would do it again.  I am so much healthier then I was 18 months ago!  In fact, things have turned around to the point that I will no longer be considered disabled!  And I am on SSD for my lungs!

It has been a wild ride, but I am so glad that I took it.  I have so much left to live for and now I have the health to live it!

I am still a work in progress though.  There is still much room for improvement, but that is ok, that gives me something to do!

I will update this hopefully sometime next week, once I am home and able to sit at puter.

Dear God, why??  Back at the beginning of this journey, my initial WLS was post-poned twice!  Both times real close to date.   Ok that was my limit at post-poned surgeries.  NOT   Just got a call from my surgeon's office.  I will be keeping Babette the bitch around for awhile longer.  The one surgeon has been called out of country on family emergency!  Of course it is Babette's surgeon so nothing can be done till he gets back and then they will reschedule. 

At that point in time they again have to coordinate 2 surgeons and a surgical suite for a long surgery!  This time around it only took 4 months to get a date, I am afraid to see what it will be next time!

DH is pissed cause somehow this is my fault and I am going to fuck up his vacation plans yet again! 

Somehow or the other he doesn't get that it is my life on hold!  I am the one not sleeping.  I am the one in pain every damned day.  No not strangulated or any of the other good things just take a look at Babs in my pics and see if you wouldn't be in pain!   That belly is all hernia!   I can watch my shit moving through my system!  The muscle is open and that makes life interesting!

I am not supposed to do heavy lifting, pushing, pulling, or anything like that, but somehow or the other I still have to do most of the vacumning nowdays.  Cause I am fucking up his life!  His vacations...his day...his week well if I could afford it I would fuck up more then that right this minute!

I don't need his shit right now.  And he won't even fight about it...he had his say now he isn't talking, just doing everything he can to irratate me!

Damn I want my life back!   Today I REGRET having had the surgery!  I am tired, I am in tears,  I wanna be an attention whore but I won't say anything to anyone else cause I don't want to be a whiner!

I am feeling really dramatic right now and if I could just lay down and die, I would!  I hate my life!   I hate BABETTE!

Yesterday was really a great day despite my head games.  I didn't overeat and I didn't eat anything that should have bothered me.  Great day in all.

I came home with 2 of my grands 16 and 13 and we were going to have a great weekend.   But around 10:30 am I get a very very sharp pain in my upper right quadrant.  It brings me to my knees in pain.  It is a stabbing pain that becomes sharp and remains that way.  I can not straighten up, I can not lay down and it is not subsiding.

Hmmm what to do.  I called the Bariatric PA at surgeon's hospital and explained to her what was going on.  She advised me to go to local ER and if they thought I would need surgery to transfer to them.  So off we went.  I made arrangements to have kids picked up of course!

They saw me fairly quickly for a big ER and after poking and prodding and asking all the usual questions.  Are you nauseated, diarrhea, constipated, eat anything out of the ordinary...yada yada.  They ordered an Ultrasound of Gall bladder, liver, spleen and kidneys.

They found 3 gall stones but they shouldn't have been bothering.   Now they also took enough blood to feed a couple of vampire cities.

Ordered Cat Scan of all of the above with 2 contrasts, iv and oral.  Nothing shows up!  Nothing to be causing the pain.

While we are doing and waiting for all of this, they have started IV"s and giving me Fentnyl (sp) for pain.  It is a fast acting over quick pain med.  I do understand they want to evaluate the pain but that doesn't make it any easier.  About 6pm they offer me the morphine to see if we can get rid of pain, since they find no real cause for it.

Pain finally down to dull roar and they offer to keep me because they haven't found cause.  I politely decline.  I came home with orders to come back if pain returns full strength and to call surgeon and pcp in a.m.

I could have asked for med advice on R & R and gotten as far!  I know, I know what doesn't show up , doesn't show up.  And something may be starting to go haywire just not visible yet.  Believe me I will be keeping an eye on this.  With my hernia and having had 2 surgeries last year, I won't play around but it is damn frustrating to have so much pain and have no reason for it!

I have no idea what to title this entry!  I went to my grandaughters graduation party yesterday, feeling like a million dollars,  I had on white capri's size 16 and a new tank top size large with matching earrings and necklace and sandals.  Very informal yard party.  I felt slender and looking good even with bat wings and turkey neck.

The only one to mention my loss to me was my ex-bil and his comment was WOW, you are looking great!   None of my sis's or anyone even mentioned how I looked!  Not that I was fishing for compliments but dang,  I have lost 1/2 of me and I haven't seen most of them in months!  Oh well, families!

As I was saying I was feeling good about how I looked, until I saw a picture that had been taken.  No way!  That can't be me. I am not that fat yet!

Babette strikes again, damn her!  Yes she is making me look fat yet!  I know she will be gone soon but dang, it sure messes up my head when I can't see the progress!    sighhhh