ok bear with me with this this is extremely hard for me to share and very personal. please respect that fact that ive been keeping this in for a while and its killing me and tearing me up so any comments please think about that before you add. ok... before my rny i was a workaholic, partier happy person yes i said it i was HAPPY i had this spunk to me this sassyness and its gone....... im in love with my boyfriend but ironlically not happy and last noght finally realized why. my boyfriend works adn comes home does anythign and everything for me he can hell clean out my blender so i can make my shake in the morning hell cook on his days off do stuff so i dont have to just any little thing he can, but theres a wall around me i walk on egg shells around him and now i understand why. Now when i drink a lil to much i become a angry person and if hes with me i always assume someones trying to get with him or looking at him and i make him uncomfortable and i hate my self for that.... 3 of my past relationsships i got terribly hurt and am still scorned from. i was cheated on by 2 of them but one we parted ways and remained friends. well few months before surgary i went to a family gathering of of my ex and his family (close with his mom) and drinking just having fun well me and him felt a lil frisky and made out a lil no sex... later on that night i drank alot more (mind you i could deff drink alot then and be moderatly ok ) well two thgns i remember waking up to him and his best friend having me in a situation where they forced there oral on me, second his friend ontop of me and all i remember is SAYING NO................. Yes i was RAPED by my ex and his friend. i felt pressure on my hands ,legs and dont want to go into the rest. thats the day i stopped being me... and i hate every minute of it. do i blame myself .... yes i should of known better.... my bf says i shouldnt and im starting to believe him, im always down,dont feel as sexy as i used to.... i try and try to remember everything did i provoke it did i lead it on.... no what keeps running in my mind is we did dfferent thigs when we were together sexually i mean ( no im not a slut please dont get that image) did he think it was ok..... well it wasnt. since then i stopped associating with the entire family and it kills me ive been around him 1 tome since and felt so uncomfortable i left. his mother calls me and is upset and assumes that (becuase im skinny i changed and dont want to be around her ) god if she only new... i cant tell her ive considered it but i cant. so now a li iver a year later i guess they say thigs hit you and its unbareable well its hit me. its ruining me ruining my relationship and the person i was..  ... sorry im crying my eyes out right now this is so hard. So bottom line is this has taken some of the real me from me. im tires of jumping when my bf cell goes off, when hes not around worrying what hes doing i need to take a step back breath acknoladge what happen to me and try to deal with it and stop blaming myself for it. i want to feel pretty and sexy or worthless. i refuse to let this ruin me or my relationship. i am going to see someone for this i need to this isnt going on on its own. i am greatful however that when i do go out and drink now im cautious and refuse to let this overtake me. if that makes sense.. thank you for listeneing,

Hello there didnt want to publically post this to personal well my topic says it all im a emotional rollercoaster financially and emotional im behind on bills my bf is helping as much as can i dont have anyone to turn to i HATE asking people for money it always backfires. im not focused enough physically im frustrated cant go the gym cause i owe them and other gyms are so expensive.im tapped out for rest of the month so yeah not doing so good. i can eat 5 or 6 oatmeal cookies and nto feel sick and that scares me i have to be careful how i act when km stressed i am however havent turned to alchol with i normally would im just stuck i dont feel i get the attention my bf should give me but i dont kow if its me i have been thinking of someone i cant habe so im just stuck i dont want to say to much to him because theres a fine line. Im just like what the hell i thought when i got my own soot id feel better and im always tired and i know that its because im not exercising i cant buy new sneaks cause i havent paid my rent i feel like im loosing it right now.. trying to breath and tell myself it will work out.. but dam i need a breather ive been thru shit the past few years i feel that im finally getting a handle on things and fall behind i cant catch up. i called an agency today to see if they can help me with ny rent i hope so. so yeah im so emotional and its dragging me down ..... tomorrow is a new day . my birthday is next week and have no interst