ceejae124
Very long, very personal
Apr 17, 2015
Fair warning… this is going to be long.
A few weeks ago, I saw a number on the scale that I told myself I would never get to. Of course it would not be the first time that I told myself I would never get to a certain weight. I can tell myself all that I want but when I am doing nothing to lose the weight I have or to keep from gaining more then I should not be surprised when I find myself getting fatter and fatter. I might be good for a day or two with my eating, but very quickly I fall back to old habits of eating and drinking crap that I know I should stay away from.
When April came and the weather started getting nicer, I did start getting up at 3:45am again to walk in the morning before work yet yucky weather moved in and I have not gotten back to it. I do enjoy walking at that time of the day, but I am in no meaning of the word a morning person so prodding myself out of bed so early is a chore. The trouble with doing it in the evening is that by the time I get home from work, get dinner going, and eat, my motivation to leave the house again is nil. I am well aware that both of these issues are just excuses. They are excuses that I have used over and over again for years and years. Yet I have allowed them to keep me stuck.
Earlier today I was going through my email and I had a People Magazine article about a man who is 669 pounds and doing yoga. I loved yoga back when I did it. I was around the 330ish mark when I did and eventually got to a point where I had to give it up because as the pounds piled on I could not handle the pressure of my own weight on my knees and hands. Then there came a point where getting down on the floor is not the issue but getting myself back up is near impossible. I am still there. I joke about it sometimes and I think about falling more then I probably should. What if I did trip or fall… how could I get back up? Just typing that had tears in my eyes because what kind of fat ass have I become that I cannot even pick myself up off the floor? Why does THAT not motivate me to make changes?
So in the People article the gentleman’s FB page was linked so I took a peek around spending some time reading his journey and struggle. A lot of what he was pouring out there are feeling that are in my heart too. Many of the same fears and insecurities. I would venture to guess that most people who are as large as we are do have some of the same thoughts that dash and flow through our minds.
As I was reading comments that others had made, I saw a comment from a woman that struck a chord with me:
“I have a cousin who died at 700lbs..he gave up on himself”
He gave up on himself…
He gave up on himself…
He gave up on himself…
That has echoed in my head since I read the words. In my darkest of times when the depression and sadness that springs up from time to time threatens to crush me, I feel trapped by my own self… my own body. I feel like I have gotten so big and I never stick with anything and my resolves never last long that I have done just that… given up on myself.
I am already fat so what is the point?
I already waddle so what is the point?
I will never be thin so what is the point?
Walking today will not make a difference so what is the point?
I try to muster the anger and indignation at myself to say, DAMN IT WOMAN YOU ARE THE POINT!, but I do not believe it. I hear it in my head. But I just do not believe it.
I am sure there is going to be a few well meaning friends that are going to try and tell me that I am strong and I can do this and I appreciate you for it but when it comes to this I am NOT strong. I feel defeated. I feel trapped in my own self. I do not know how to break myself out. What is it going to take? A heart attack? Diabetic coma? Stroke? What?!
When I hit 300 pounds I told myself no more. Said the same at 325. Then 360. Once again at 400. 442 as well. Then 450. 460. Now 480. Is 480 the magic number? Is this finally the weight where I am going to put my foot down?
I do not know.
I just do not know.