I know this is a day early, but I wanted to put this out there for all the newbies to see.  Not only do I want to reflect on this past year, but I want everyone to know what the year before was like too… 

I was a stay at home mom…  But I say that I was more like a stay at home lump because lumps don’t do much other than take up space.  That was my life.  I couldn’t do things for my kids because it hurt to stand for long periods of time.  I couldn’t clean because it took everything out of me just to walk from one side of the house to the other.  I couldn’t do wifely duties with my husband because I was just so big.  Everything was awkward and uncomfortable and of course, I hated how I looked…  and that affected my sexual relationship with my husband.   

All of this translated into eating more.  We all know that vicious cycle.  I know mine was to an extreme…  I was talking with a good friend yesterday, just going over some of the things that I used to eat…  It broke my heart to remember those days and to remember the miserable person that I was.   

I wanted to share with you the way my life used to be… 

Because I was so ashamed of how I was, I isolated…  I would go weeks or even a month at a time without leaving the house.  My poor girls…  No wonder they felt so cooped up all the time.  I would eat and eat…  I used to buy the Lender’s 5 Bagel packs and when the girls went to take their nap, I’d eat the whole thing, with cream cheese and country crock smeared all over it.   

The few times I did go out, it would be to fast food restaurants…   

Subway: I would get 2 foot long meals.  Wheat extra extra mayo, ham, lettuce, and pickles…  and then I’d get the other one the same, but with oil and vinegar and salt and pepper so they didn’t think that both were for me.  I would eat everything at one sitting…  2 foot long sandwiches, 2 baggies of chips and 2 21oz soda’s… 

Burger King:  I’d get the double whopper value meal king sized with a root beer.  Fully dressed with extra mayo.  And a double stacker on the side.  Then when I got home, I’d make a big bowl of mayo and ketchup to dip everything in.  All of that in one sitting. 

Sonic:  Sonic was similar to BK…  Double sonic burger meal, fully dressed with extra mayo, sonic sized with tots and a Route 44 cherry coke…  AND a foot long chili cheese coney.  All dipped in mayo and ketchup when I got home…  One meal. 

Taco Bell :  Chicken taco salad, Mexican pizza, and another 2-3 burrito’s of some kind.  One meal… 

Papa Johns:  One large cheese pizza no sauce, 4 containers of cheese sauce and ½ an order of cheese sticks…  One meal!! 

You get the gist now…  I gorged…  in addition to practically eating all day.  All of this made for a miserable existence.  And of course, after eating all of that, I’d feel guilty and eat more.  Vicious cycle… 

That doesn’t include the few times during the month when my husband and I would gorge on cookies, ice cream and cakes…  

It’s so sad to look at the person that I had to become in order to make this change.  It’s clear that I was consumed by my hunger.  It was like being chained to a tether and every time I tried to get away from it, it would pull me back in.  I never lasted more than 2-3 weeks on any one diet.  Never losing more than 20 pounds at any given time.  Although there was one time that I lost 30 pounds in 2 months when I was in high school…  I was 17 and I went to a weight loss clinic where they put me on Phen Fen.  At 17… 

I was so lucky that at 425 pounds the only problems I had were joint pain.  I had no health problems other than bursitis in both of my hips, foot and back pain…  I was 24 when they told me that.  Chronic Bursitis…  24!!!  I’m 27 now…  No telling where I would have been at 30, had I not done this. 

For a while there, I had just resolved in my mind that I was meant to be fat and miserable.  There was no purpose to my life.  I was the one person who had no meaning.  I had lost hope and settled into despair.  

I’d had a scare in Dec. of 06.  I had a panic attack, which I thought was a heart attack…  But seeing 425 on the scale at the Dr’s office…  I knew something had to give.   

I saved my life when I got my sleeve.  I think more-so than anyone will ever realize.  

And this year has been such a rollercoaster of emotions.  From all the NSV’s to all of the little weight milestones along the way.  To re-introducing myself to the world through happy eyes.  To go from being alone and isolated, to being surrounded by wonderful, beautiful friends who are supportive, understanding, non-judgmental and can relate to my every stumble, every victory, every whatever along the way.  

I look back to the year before this new life, and I am thankful that I don’t live that life anymore.  I was released from the prison that my hunger created.  Now I am able to create the life I always wanted, disserved…  One full of meaning and purpose.

I feel so free.