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Thanks to all of you who have supported my blogs throughout this journey.  We are all in this together, which brings me to this.  For the past couple of months I have been struggling in my spirit.  As all of you know, I love the Lord.  His love is evident in my spirit.  Since surgery, I have this "no nonsense" type of way about myself.  For some reason the things that used to be acceptable to me are no longer acceptable.  I find myself with not a lot of patience for foolishness and its so obvious.  I know instead of getting angry I should be praying but to be honest, I haven't been.  There are so many hurt people in this world and it is our responsibility as the body of Christ to make sure none of us faulter or are left behind.  I need prayers for God to release me of this place of unrest and possibly judgmental state I find myself in lately.  It's not on purpose please understand that.

Lord God in Heaven, my Father, my everything!  I stretch my hands towards you! Lord, I recognize that you are all knowing, and your word tells us that there is nothing hidden and nothing new under the sun.  Your word also tells us there is a time for everything.  God, I am here before you asking for your forgiveness.  If at any point God, you viewed me as being judgemental, I repent.  I pray for each individual that has not come into the full knowledge of who you are and your power.  I pray for your grace, for all of us who struggle in this life, Lord God continue to pour out your grace and your mercy on us.  Lord forgive me for my sins, those that I know about and those which are left unknown.  I pray for a peace of mind and an upright walk with you father. God, I know you have felt my disconnect not only from you but your people.  Lord, strengthen my tolerance for your people during this transitioning time in my life.  I make no excuses for my behavior Father, I am humbly asking for your forgiveness and continued guidance towards your purpose for my life.  Your words says that satan comes NOT BUT to steal kill and destroy and I pray your hand of protection around me and those reading this blog Lord.  I am to please you Lord so on that day, you will say well done, my good and faithful servant.  Lord, create in me a clean heart! Renew and revive me, restore my soul unto you God.  It is with humility that I pray God...allow your will to be done in my life and in the lives of your people...

Amen!!!!

I posted last week that I was 47lbs gone in 7 weeks but somewhere between now and then 3 lbs are gone...I want to encourage those who feel like they have fallen off the wagon to keep moving.  I have not perfected this thing yet. I still find myself unable to really eat anything of any value.  Seems like if I just take a drink of Crystal Light I'm good.  I'm not able to complete any meal at this point.  I have had turkey nachos concentrating on the turkey and cheese, I'be eated a philly cheesestake also just eating the vegetable and meat in the middle, and that's about it.  I bought some oatmeal this weekend and I'm going to try and eat that.  Pretty much as long as I can get my protein in, I'm good and this weekend I didn't.  I missed my protein on Saturday and Sunday but since have corrected that behavior.  I'm not trying to encourage anyone with my poor habits but I'm trying.  My thing is I'm hardly eating anything and I'm trying to get as much in as possible.  I have to alter the behaviors before they get the best of me.  Luckily up to this point the weight is coming off by itself, yet I don't want to stunt my progress so I repent to all my fellow WLSers who work their tools really hard.
Please forgive me, I know this road is not easy.  I know that if I do what I'm supposed to do the tool will work for me.  Since I was a self pay, 50lbs was not worth $7500 yet the confidence that has come as a result of this weightloss is worth way more.  The only reason I want to share this with you is to be forthright.  This journey is not easy and we need to be honest for all the newbees...at this point i eat a lot of chicken, ive had shrimp and eggs and mashed potates and soup but for the most part I don't eat anything.  Its not on purpose but it is my "now" reality.  I'm taking my vitamins and pretty much getting 60-80 grams of protein in daily, even though its gross!

I realized today that the picutres do no justice for the real deal so Im not posting any for a while.  I'm having my bday party next weekend and I will post those...

I'm here today to encourage you all over again.  I realize mostly, my blogs are for my own peace of mind.  I'm not telling you what I think or heard but I'm telling you what I know first hand.  I still have 2 major decisions in my life to make...Please pray with me for wisdom. 

If you are alive you have something to be greatful for! For those of you who are struggling this week for whatever reason, dig deep down.  Find something worth complimenting yourself about.  I know that you have it in you.  God has made us all fearfully and wonderfully so I know you got some good stuff hidden down in there...Dont be afraid to do what you have always wanted to do, whatever that may be.  If you have been effected by this changing world, make some lemonade (crystal light) that is and make the best of it.

I'm learning how to enjoy my singlehood because to be single is to be one with yourself~so you might as well enjoy YOU!

I have one of my BFF Paula, Cocodrop7 who swears by the above statements.  I may be paraphrasing but you get my point.  When I say skinny I don't mean skin and bones.  Anytime we are overweight to finally get to the point where we see some progress feels much greater than almost any other accomplishments.  I have been struggling over the past six weeks to "see" the difference in my body.  Yes, I can see the difference in my face and I know my clothes are different but I couldn't "see" it.  This morning I decided, let me get down to the nitty gritty.  I know this journey is more psychological than anything and I want to stop this rollercoaster ride.  This morning I took another panty and bra picture.  I then went back and looked at the one before and OMG, I can "see" the difference..it's amazing.  It's like magic.  I love my RNY.  Of course we all have our hangups about how we want to look and feel but I tell you the truth.  I have a goal of about 150 but if I stop at 170 I would be fine.  I'm only about 5'4" so I know I would be ok if I lost more but I feel so good about myself.  I went to work out last night and I turned many heads in the place...I'm 221lbs down from 268 less than 2 months ago!  Way to go Chana.  I know I don't have to tell yall I'm not bragging, right?  Well I'm not, I'm encouraging.  You can do it when you don't think you can.  I've not been in this game long but I tell you that you can overcome anything that which keeps you bound.  I am learning how to eat because at this point I have no desire to eat.  I'm enjoying working out when before I hated the thought of going to the gym.  I love the stares and the positive affirmation solely based on this new glow that I have.  To God be the Glory!  There have been countless amounts of people who have not only died but had horrible complications as a result of this surgery.  God's graced me to not to have had one complication.  I am walking in the favor of God and if you are reading this no matter how bad it may seem you are too!
Today I see the manifestation of my tool and I thank God for allowing me to be able to testify that He is Good! I know that things could still happen, I'm not ignorant to that but I will do my part.  If you have not done what you know you are supposed to up to this point its not too late. I loved sweets prior to surgery and I have not been tempted one time to cheat.  I would only be cheating myself.  It's not worth it at all...Start today doing what you haven't been doing and continue today doing the things you have been doing.  Does that make sense?  If you have been slipping get stable and if you have not been slipping continue on doing a great job!

Love Yall!

In 2004, I seriously contemplated suicide. I reclined the driver’s seat in my jeep while it was running in the garage. Our garage at the time was not attached to our apartment so nobody even knew I was in there. Thoughts of my then two year old daughter asking if I was coming back, burned into my consciousness. My mind screamed a resounding “no” yet the Holy Spirit’s “yes” overruled my decision. With my seat back, and the fumes from the jeep rapidly filling up the garage; Smokie Norful singing “I Need You Now” exposed the fight for my life that night. I literally witnessed the exchange of blows between the angel of life and the angel of death. At that precise moment, I knew everyone who loved me was praying for me to live. After minutes had passed, I felt myself getting sleepier and sleepier, God spoke to me and explained that His love was much bigger than how I felt. My issue was I did not feel love or adequate in my marriage. I felt fat, and ugly. I just knew by the way my (then husband) treated me that I was not worth a dime. I had bought so far into that lie, I believe that cold night in January, 2004 that the only solution to this problem was to kill myself. How did I get there? How did I allow my beautiful self, to be taken and drug thru the mud so deep that I believe I was filthy, nasty, dirty and unworthy. Well that night, as a result of the lack of energy, due to oxygen levels being sucked out by carbon dioxide poisoning, I made a promise to God. If I could just hustle up enough oomph to turn off the jeep and make it out alive; if he would spare my life, I would not be afraid or ashamed to reveal my testimony with all who would pay attention. So, as I promised God, about half way through this meticulous journey, I would bless you with my story. I am no longer afraid of being judged by people, but willing to let you take a peak into my life.  Through this text, I pray that women and men alike will no longer wear the shackles of shame. I pray that you become free enough to at least contemplate some sort of transformation into a new direction for your life. It is my prayer that you no longer calculate your worth or value as a result of how someone treats you or simply your “feelings.”  It is time out for depression and defeat. Your value is not wrapped up in a person or a relationship. It is my deepest desire to speak to your heart, mind and spirit. I wish to keep you encouraged. Yes, it gets rough sometimes. I know first hand that there is life, not any life, but good life following a horrible relationship, it gets better and better, only if you allow it. I have decided that the obstacles I have overcome in my life will not be in vain. Tell me what you think.  I'm hoping to be done with this book in the next month or so:

How many of you would dare allow someone to look you in your face and call you out of your name? I thought so, you would be ready to fight someone for calling you fat, right?  Why is it then that we are so willing to talk to ourselves about ourselves?  I'm working not only with myself on correcting the negative behaviors but others around me.  First off, to admit that you have a problem is the first step.  Those of us who have courageously chosen WLS, are just that courageous!  We are not cowards or wimps.  I am much more able to go work out now that I am down about 45lbs.  Its much easier on my knees and ankles to work out.  Before there was no desire because of the weight and the depression.  I know that we are our worst critics but today say something nice to yourself about yourself.  I have not seen my scale move since week before last but I'm in a size 14.  That's the first since high school.  I have been out of high school since 1991 and now look at me.  I spoke with a friend yesterday about feeling guilty about how good I felt and it was at that moment I had to stop and think hard about this.  I have no desire to be vain, on the flop side of this coin, I deserve to scream from the rooftop about how good I feel about Chana.  We are in here offering compliments and encouragement to everyone but somedays you have to do it for yourself.  If you don't encourage yourself or at least admit that you do look good, this process is counter productive. 
I am proud of my weight loss and judging the responses of the people close to me I have to believe that I wear my weight loss well.  It's funny!  I only keep posting pics because of the feedback I get from those around me because honestly, I can't see it.  I know that my face looks different and I contribute that to my quick make up job in my truck on the way to work every morning and this pair of individual lashes that I get maintained weekly...other than that, I know I have lost weight because I was a size 20 now I'm wearing some 16 and 14's, that's obvious but I can't see it with my eyes just yet. 

Anyone who says this road is easy is a liar.  Yes, I said it! It may not be as complicated for some as it is for others but it is not easy.  Anyone who thinks this road is easy is in for a rude awakening.  You have to work this much harder than you would have had to before WLS.  Where discipline was once an option it is no longer an option, therefore, you might as well make the best of it....Promise to say something nice to yourself about yourself today.  Check yourself, if not, you will wreck the very image that you are trying to obtain.  You will never be good enough for yourself let alone your family and friends!

A little off the subject, but thanks again to all of you who help me stay encouraged.  I would have never imagined that little ole me would have such a great impact on so many wonderful people.  I am, because you are!  Remember that, its only because of you that I'm in here...

How much baggage are you carrying in this life?  You know the bigger the bag the more stuff you put in it, and guess what, you don't even need most of the crap you're carrying.  At some point, even though I know I like Gucci, Prada, and please don't leave out my Coach bags, I have got to leave them at home.  Most times, all I need is my wallet and keys.  Isn't it just like life to offer you a whole bunch of crap you don't need?  I realize in my weight loss journey how much of the food I ate that offered no nutritional value no substance, just baggage.  I also realize the amount of people and things that I have experienced over the years all fit into my bags, you know the real big ones we like to tote around because they look so nice with our accompanying outfit?  Well, its time to let some things go!  You can not continue to carry along crap that makes no difference in your success.  I wish for all who read my blogs to be successful.  It saddens me to know that we struggle with so much crap that we don't have control over.  Let it go, the unproductive relationship, the unproductive job, the unproductive children! Let it go. I'm dealing with a situation at work, I've told my superiors which are my mom and my uncle that I will quit this job if the situation perpetuates.  They say they understand yet have done nothing to correct the atmosphere now I'm faced with being the woman of my word.  I know that the economy would suggest that I can not walk away from a job without another one.  I have mortgage and car note...theat doesnt include the kids, food, utilities.  I trust God.   I am no way saying that I can afford not to exercise my wisdom.  I'm prayerfully going into the police academy next month and of course all the rules change if all goes well.  I want to finish my book as well as start speaking engagements.  Maybe if I quit this job it will finally push me into my destiny and allow myself to trust God as I should.  What am I afraid of if I have faith?  Not ignorance but faith? 

Do you have something that you need to trust God for?  I dare you!  I will await the report.  It's not time to be afraid of the promises of God.  I will pray that each of you be wise in all your decisions and trust God for the ultimate outcome...besides, what does "supposed to be" mean?

Glory be to your name Father..Lord, I thank you right now for your son Jesus.  God, because you are all knowing, I know that you have been watching me over the past few months and I know you have not been pleased.  I repent openly and ask for your forgiveness for not trusting you...You made me fearfully and wonderfully.  I thank you for bringing me back and restoring me unto you.  Your word tells me that there is nothing that you will withhold from me if I walk uprightly.  I stand before my friends here in OH with my hands lifted in surrender.  I desire obedience in your sight heavenly Father.  I pray that you trust me enough to continue to use me for your glory, God.  I bless your name!  I am so glad that in my weakness you are strong.  I thank you God for being a forgiver.  I thank you God for not being condemning.  I thank you God for loving me so much that you would send your only son to die for me so that my sins are forgiven....

As I have said before, it is my belief that there is nothing that you could do that God would love us any more or any less.  We have to live everyday as it was our last.  I know especially over the last few months had I died in this mess, it may have not been favorable for me.  I thank God for this day, that I am able to lift myself up with His help and return back to where He has called me to be.  Today, I am a new creation! You can be too.  Have you been dealing with things that you thought would keep you separated from God?  The word tells us that nothing can separate us from His love, yet we know that the wages of sin is death...Which are you going to choose. 

I know this is a sight specific to weight loss and all that jazz, but today I am yet compelled to spead the gospel of Jesus Christ.  If he can save a sinner such as myself and have mercy upon me, He will truly have mercy upon you!  In all things you do, get understanding.  All things happen for a reason, find out what the reason is to your ability.  God loves us and desires His very best for each of us, yet He has given us free will.  Yes it may be hard to sacrifice but there are some things that we have to give up as an act of obedience no matter how hard they are.  God will openly reward you by the things you do in secret, rather is be a good seed or a bad one. So if you want to continue on a path of overeating or eating the wrong things, the harvest will perpetually be poor health and misery....If you want to do the right thing you will do it!

I love yall, thanks for the many many words of encouragement!  I'm back!!!!Yea, I can see clearly now that this dark cloud has been lifted..thank you Jesus, the lifter up of my soul....

Hey yall, I just wanted to post that today when I weighed at the gym it confirmed that I was down 42lbs from my heaviest weight of 268.  I have never felt so good before in my life...nothing aches or hurts, I'm becoming more social and its great!  I havent been posting as much, I have some things in my personal life that has to be attended to so just know that I love yall, I'm doing great and all is well...I will be posting some new pictures on tomorrow.  I just got a new computer and I haven't figured it all the way out just yet...Nonetheless, be encouraged, don't allow naysayers to determine the outcome of how successful you are in anything that you do....the sky is the limit, shoot for the moon, the worst you can do is hit a star....

Ok so, my mom and I get to Enterprise to rent the car...they added almost $200 just to add me as an additional driver to the vehicle.  All my mom wanted to do is pay for it for me but Enterprise made it so difficult, nonetheless, I rented it myself and at least I'm rolling...from my big SUV and now on the ground in this Hundai...I'm looking forward to saving on gas I can tell you that....Anyway, I get home and there is a notice on the door! Greystone Power just cut off my electricity...can yall believe that?  I thought everything was paid so I'm not mad but dang!  Its my birthday, I had some plans but they have been slowed down...Every since I wrote the first blog I knew somebody somewhere was going to be mad because they don't believe that I serve the True and Living God!!!Yes I was hot, powerless, I am not...I got back to my office to notice I had no key card access, everybody is gone, no keys to the front door or my personal office (i have no idea where they are)...anyway, it seemed to be progressively getting worse and worse but it stoped. My Aunt was just getting in her car so I gain access thru her, the cleaning lady was just getting to my floor so she let me in.  I've called Greystone and they are sending someone else out to RESTORE my POWER!!!! The funny thing is, I'm connected to the ultimate POWER source so even if they didn't come out tonight, I will never be in darkness..My daddy loves me way too much!!!! So even as I write this blog I am reminded to Turn On The Light..check out my site if you haven't at www.plugn2thepower.com 

It is my birthday, and no hangups or mixups is going to change that!  I am delighted to see this day....I know that I am going to end this evening with a bang! My kids are healthy I feel good for the most part and you know what?  Things could have been so much worst and was for someone else so I give thanks, honor and glory to my Father in heaven who knows how to get my attention(I hear you daddy).....Somebody lost someone near and dear to them, somebody got a horrible diagnosis from the doctor today, somebody lost their home, job, and maybe even car today but guess what? I have not lost a thing today!  Today is my birthday, I have gained another year!  Praise your name Jesus for loving me thru all this mess that I have caused on my own...

Know that there is nothing that you could do for the Lord to love you any more or any less...there are so many things to be greatful for so even if you don't feel like it, praise HIM from whom ALL blessings flow......