happy birthday to me. on September 9, 2008 11:23 am
my appointment is at 2:30.
I am starting to get nervous.
I hope if there is something wrong with me, they won't be able to tell me today.
not on my birthday.
i hope everyone else has a wonderful day.
so far things are ok...just trying to relax and breathe.
so far today i ate
oatmeal.
that is it...i prob will have subway after my appt. i like the seafood sub
ill update it later tonight.
one brother texted me at 5 this morning telling me happy birthday.
and my other brother(the one i got into a fight with the other day) I sent him a text message at 6 telling him that I love him and that he has been a good brother to me and I just wanted to let him know that. I feel better letting him know.
anyhow. I will go now
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today is a new day on September 8, 2008 1:27 pm
my mom called me this morning and asked me when my appt was tomorrow. she also asked if i wanted to reschedule it so she could go with me. a part of me wishes I could change it so i could have my mom there. but i cant...all my life all i ever wanted was a relationship with her.. a real one. but i put off going to the dr about the lump for too long. i cant keep denying it. i waited almost a month before i called the dr. not smart I do admit, but i was scared. there is a history of cancer in my family and I was scared.
anyhow...
today has been ok
i ate oatmeal for breakfast
an english muffin with peanut butter for lunch(snack) or whatever you call it.
so far that is it.
anyhow i will be back later
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just regular day on September 7, 2008 8:16 pm
sore for the last two days.
I am so scared to go to the dr.
my appt is on tuesday.
at age 28 I have to get a mamogram due to a lump in my breast.
i am so scared.
this topped on top of everything else just is killing me.
I feel so alone in this world right now.
and sore.
I ate like a pig today.
i had oatmeal for breakfast
salad for lunch
and 3 tacos for supper
im so pissed at myslf for eating so much i wanted to puke.
I need help.why can no one see this...maybe they do...they might just not care.
i am also talking to the dr about my depression
i don;t want to die.
i want to live and be happy again. i was once. i can't remember what it was like cause so many bad things have soured it since. but i need to be happy again. I want to live a long happy life and look back on this one day and laugh at myself for being so foolish,,,but i am scared. that is why im going to talk to the dr about this. its a empty feeling and I hate being lost in the pit of it.
the things that i have that used to make me happy, dont.
I should have got help after the flood but i seemed ok...100lbs later and where i am now..is proof that i was wrong.
I just can't seem to push this one off...i need the help...and im scared to admit it to the dr i dont want to be made fun of....
i cant even harldy leave the house anymore.without being scared of whatever....oh well
i will write more later
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crap=my life on September 5, 2008 4:46 pm
last night my little brother came over. was all nice and then all of a sudden starts going off on me...which resulted in me going to my fucking room and crying after him and I argued about whatever he was pissed about for 5 minutes....i went to my room with the thoughts racing thru my head about wanting to kill myself...I did all I could to not want to pick up a bottle of pills and take them all.....I hate how people hurt me.
And today is even better.
I tripped and fell face first on the floor and I also had to make an appt for my dr to get shit checkd about the problems. And my appt is on my birthday. so I get to find out if I am sick...on my birthday. great.
Also I just called my mom to ask if she worked tomorrow and my peice of shit dad started cussing in the background fucking tell her to not be talking to....I told my cousin to tell her mom to make my dad go to the dr...
God Forgive Me for having a fucking heart.
this man molested me for 15 fucking years of my life and I actually give two shits about him not dying...and he fucking cusses me out....
WHy me....
I need something to change soon or I will just die....
Why do these peopole do this to me.
What did I do?
Wjhy would I be dumb enough to forgive my family when all they do is treat me like shit...
I just wanna crawl into a corner and die....
today was the first time in months i actually felt remotely decent about myself and once again just like the rest of my life they had to steal my joy.
and they wonder why im the way i am
depressed,suicidal,fat and hiding from the world.
I somehow deep down inside hope that I am sick that way at leasy God is finally releiving me from the pain I have gotten in this earth.
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something i just found(might help me someday) on September 2, 2008 11:33 am
FROGS....
Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition.
The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.
A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants.
The race began....
No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as: "Oh, WAY too difficult!!" "They will NEVER make it to the
top." or "Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were
climbing higher and higher.
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!" More tiny frogs got
tired and gave up.
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher. This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who,
after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?
It turned out.... That the winner was DEAF!!!!
The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or
pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you --
the ones you have in your heart!
Always think of the power words have. Because everything you hear and read will affect your
actions! Therefore, ALWAYS be.... POSITIVE!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Woman In The Mirror
Walking past the mirrored glass,
I take a timid peek.
I see a woman staring back,
I’m too choked up to speak.
The puffiness, at last, is gone,
The skin is pink and glowing,
The many pounds that melted off,
Finally is showing.
Hard to believe, till recently,
This same woman was dying,
Stuffing food to ease the pain,
Heartbroken and crying.
Life revolved around each snack,
She lived for every meal,
Anything to numb the hurt,
She didn’t want to feel.
When did she get so pretty?
When did God remove the grief?
How did this miracle happen?
Who provided the relief?
What a gift! A second chance!
I thank God every day,
For His grace in showing me,
There IS a better way.
I walk, I dance, I make love too,
My heart is filled with gladness.
I’m out of bondage, out of pain,
There is no room for sadness.
This woman in the mirror,
Smiles softly back at me,
She has good cause to be so pleased,
She’s finally been set free.
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