chasity C.'s Profile

Username: chas1980
Location: KS
Member Since: 3/18/2004
BMI: 56.5
Learning about surgery

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Latest Surgery Support Comments

Comment by MommaAngel on 3/18/04 12:52 pm

HI CHASITY I just want you to know that I am praying that everything will go smooth as you journey to the healthy life.LORD BLESS

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my story is on my first journal entry in june 2008 entitled Meh if you are interested in reading it.
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/chas1980/uzone,blog/action,comments/blog_id,144020/blog_post_id,167911/

chasity C.'s Blog

meh
on September 2, 2008 10:54 am

my food so far...
i had oatmeal for breakfast.
and i ate a chicken sandwich just a few minutes ago...
drinking very little today...

I tried talking to my grandma about me wanting to switch insurances to one that covers gastric bypass...
and she just tells me if i watch my diet, it will losse weight....
I can't loose 200lbs on my own...im not strong...i cant even get out of the bed some mornings because of the fibromyalgia and thyroid, and depression addded to the mix to make it a even more fun ride...
either way....she said change my diet...
befre i started eating oatmeal for breakfast
i was eating nothing for breakfast cause it made me sick in the morning to eat...
i am so sad....i can't stop crying...she is the only person in my life who i have and She does not comprehend that I can't do this alone...she said something about some fullbar crap on tv and how it would be safer for me...does she realize how deadly I am to myself right now...being this heavy and depressed.....I am literally a walking time bomb....if the weight does not kill me...the depression willl....I am so scared...I know I will make it work if I can get the surgery, but I cant afford to pay out of pocket for it,,,even in mexico..i dont have 12,500 to spare..i just spend what money i had in savings to get a new home....since mine was destroyed in the floood....

I NEED HELP...IM TIRED AND SICK AND SAD AND ALONE...
I NEED GOD TO HELP ME HERE...
IM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE ALL IM ON THIS EARTH FOR IS PAIN....
IM TIRED OF BEING HURT BY PEOPLE AND BEING SAD...
i know loosing weight won't change everything but its a good start and I need all the help that I can get...i feel so alone...all i want is a friend.

I don't even have friends anymore.....i have basicly over the last few years pushed away all the friends i had since hs..i dont want to bring them down...i want to be happy...i was happier a few yrs ago than I am now...i was 100lb smaller and felt a lot better...but i want to be a better person...i want someone to love me again....not like my ex who almost made remarks about f*t ppl all the time and then realized what he was saying and stoppped...he did that in 04 when i was 100lbs smaller.
250lbs was easier to live in than this
sometimes i feel like i cant even breathe anymore....i have so much congestion in my chest or lungs...i dont even know and i am about to the point to where i really dont even care anymore....

why can't I be saved...GOD i need you....i used to beleive in you...
when i was up late at night crying myself to sleep all those years when my mom wouldnt leave him...you were my saviour....i need you God....i know I have had little faith lately, and I am sorry....I want to live happy again....I want good tihngs again....I want this demon I have inside of me to be released and for me to be myself again...the girl who used to love making others laugh just to see them smile....not the girl who goes out of her way to be hatefull and fight with others...I know i need help lord....please help me...

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blah
on September 1, 2008 8:16 am

That pretty much states it all...
I feel like a truck run me over...
I am going to try and write down what i am eating again
my current weight as of last night is 353

as of today I have had to eat...
2 single serving bags of sun chips harvest cheddar flavor
6 triple chocolate preminum m&ms
a bowl of maple syrup flavored oatmeal for breakfast
a salad with tuna and cheese and a sprinkle of sunflower seeds for lunch...
YES I was bad....i ate the chips because i was upset...and the candy...i feel better when I have carbs...but I have been trying so hard to slowly cut carbs out of my diet....
I did really well with soda pop...I have not had a coke/pepsi in quite some time...2 weeks ago I had a 42oz sprite with strawberry from sonic...and i lasted me all day...other than that no pop what so ever......

I am trying because I want to feel better....I need to start putting me before everyone else...i deserve to feel better,..i deserve to be happier with my body....i deserve to feel that i love me again....

I have decided that now on whe i feel hungry I will get online and write in my blog here, tell my feelings about it, and start a crack at getting to the bottom of my addiction...my abuser affected my childhood and most of my adulthood....but I am learning that I am a survivor...I deserve good things...I do deserve to be happy.and healthy...
i will write more later

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liv lite
on August 28, 2008 10:55 am

I talked with a lady from there again, and now my insurance does not cover any of the surgery, last time in 04 when i checked into it, it covered 5,000 its total bullcrap that i have put tons of money into that over the last 8 yrs and they wont help me with an operation that I NEED to have...
grr
im thinking of switching insurance companies, but I am not sure how that would work, so im laying low...scared... blah
......
I have began to eat oatmeal every morning for breakfast
and a salad for lunch
so thats a good start on my own.
I hate myself tho. I hate looking at me...
sometimes i wish i could just get a knife and cut off all this ugly fat..sad thing is, I have no one to blame, i've been overweight since i was a kid, i don't know anything else....
whatever.....ill write more later...

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eek
on June 22, 2008 1:11 am

went to a family reunion get togeth thing today..thy always have a way of making me feel less than adequate illl write more about it later its 3am and i need to try to sleep

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meh
on June 18, 2008 5:58 pm

i deleted what i wrote first because it was to personal...
long story short.
i am who i am
i was abused physically,emotionally,and sexually by my father for the first 15 years of my life
from age 15 to 18 i was in two differnt foster homes. first one was hell.so i thought.
second one ended up being worse...i now realize I would have been better off not running away from home and being abused by my father than to endure what my foster mom did to me. i graduated hs in may,99,
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june 99
i moved out in an appt and i made the mistake of letting my so called best friend at the time move in with me...
she was into smoking pot. she had me try it one time.
so the next two months of my life consisted of getting high and drinking all the time. then she started stealing from me and never helping with rent. so i moved back in with my grandma.
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september 99 found a house. got my grandma to co sign for me since i was to young to do it by myself at the age of 18. october 99 i moved in and got myself a cat.
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i worked two jobs for some time then i quit the steady job i had for the one who promised me full time...so soon as i quit they got busted for selling beer to minors. so i was out of a job. around this time i started bleeding..aka having my period constantly...and started being sore all the time..feeling sick..etc...found out i had thyroid problems and fibromyalgia.....those i have been dealing with ever since---
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in april 2007 my grandma was put on oxygen and i took a WEEk off of work to help her out...i did not go back...
JUNE 2007 rolls around. my grandma finds out she has blood clots. she is put into the hospital for a week. the friday night I bring her home we wake up sat morning to a call from the city saying everyone in our part of town has to evacuate their homes, I had not slept all night cause I was speaking to a friend on the phone so luckily i woke up to answer it. by the time i got my grandma and I a set of clothes for the next day, since we thought it was only a temp safety major, anyhow i grabbed what photos jewelry and etc that i could grab...at the time we left my cat and my grandmas dog at my grandmas house. We did not think it was going to get bad ...So we went to my parents house since we had no where else to go. my dad and brothers went to town about a half hour adter we got to my moms to get my cat and grandmas dog. the water was already waste deep at my grandmas house...
My house was already submerged in water completely. It was condemmed I was not able to save a thing from there. luckily I had my cat with me at my grandmas at the time of the flood.
my grandmas house was not condemmed but it would cost her 40 thousand dollars to fix the flood damage and then the house would have had to be raised 5 in the air. also she was not allowd to go back in it ever again because of the mold.
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from june 30th which is the day it flooded till august 26 my grandma and I stayed at my parents house. I never had the time to greive my loss. everytime i would cry or be sad my dad would yell at me or cuss at me saying to quit feeling sorry for myself. the first night we stayed there he threated to beat my ass because i didnt want to go to bed when everyone else did...so i spent the night locked out in the truck.....
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in august 07 i moved into temp housing and i lived there untill june of 2008
June 24th 2008 I moved into my home where I am now.
my grandma had to move in with me cause she could not afford to buy a house by herself. and we do not get along what so ever.
i wait on her hand and foot and she treats me like her servant.
she is very old fashioned and is ashamed of the idea that even want to have surgery...she thinks dieting and exercise will work.
not at my weight and state of shape. in my health it hurts to even get out of bed...let alone go running...anyway. I will write more later.
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CURRENTLY.
I had tried to keep my head abouve the water for part of my life. i tried to forgive my parents for the things of the past. i am starting to think that it was a mistake. I am slowly realizing that some people are just pure evil and will never change no matters how much you want them to. My mom chose my dad over me when she did not leave him when i was a child. I am very slow to give up on people. But i am there with them. they will never love me, no matters how much I try. so i will try to find ways to deal with this. but i dont know how....
things are just so crappy right now...and the thing with my parents make it worse..
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