I see the number on the scale, I see the size on the clothes, reality is I am smaller. Reality is that when someone is coming my way down a hall I don't have to side step  3 feet out of the way, we'll pass by comfortably. Reality is that I don't have to shop in the plus size section any more and yes I will fit into that XL without trying it on. Reality is that I don't have to eat to have friends and socialize they like me any way. Reality is I don't have to take the long route around the diner, I can cut through the tables and I'll make it through with room to spare. Reality is that 1 yogurt for breakfast is more then enough to eat, no need for a breakfast sandwhich also. Reality is that when I cross my legs they will stay there, not slip down. Reality is that I don't need to use the beach towel after a shower anymore, I can use a regular towel and there is plenty of material to dry me off. Reality is I can sit on the floor now and get up without getting on all fours to do so. Reality is that I can reach my feet to tie my shoes and even make the bows neatly in the middle, not to the insides of my feet. Reality is that when I am seated at a table, just because a person passes behind me doesn't mean I need to pull into the table, they are just passing by without any effort. Reality is that it doesn't matter if I wait in line an hour for a ride at an amusement park, I will get on and I will fit in the seat. Reality is that when I look down not only do I see my feet but I can see my legs too. Reality is I only have one chin, not three!! Reality is that when I lay down to sleep at night the apnea won't take me out as I do so cause it went away. Reality is that I won't lose my feet to diabetes and will run with my son as he learns to walk cause the diabetes went away. Reality is that my esophagus will make it more years in tact because the GERD went away.  Reality is that I do not need those size 32 shirts in the closet anymore, it's time to accept reality and let them go. Let it all go and live in today's.... Reality!!

I'm in an "ok" place right now... It wasn't easy getting here but I wouldn't change it cause I have learned so much.  So much about post surgery RNY, my body, my mind; just the whole process. The one thing I would like to mention is the before/after hype of WLS. I always heard about the struggles prior to surgery and then the rewards after, quite a while after.  Not many touch on the bridge in between. Thats where I am going with this entry; the bridge in between. When I woke from surgery I was in pain and lots of it. The pain went on 1week post op, then two became 4 wks and so on till about 9-10 wks. This is not the norm, but it is out there and it was my path. I was stuck in the soft and puree stages for an extended period of time.  Nothing was wrong, just that it takes some longer for their bodies to recover and adjust to the dramatic changes surgery makes to our insides. I learned early that eggs would no longer be a part of my diet and as time has moved on  chicken, turkey, fish, pork and most beef is out as well. Throw on top of that no pasta, rice, or oatmeal. This left me frustrated, overwhelmed, depressed and in a position wondering, what the heck was I thinking? What did I do to myself? My friendship and love of food had changed to anxiety, dread, anger and full blown hate!! Then reality... This choice was made to live, longevity of  life, freedom. I decided to stop focusing on the negativity and focus on what I can control and turned it to a positive. How on earth would I get in my daily protien, was my first question. Refried beans didn't work. So I headed to the freezer section in the store, the area for "those" kind of people... The vegetarian section. I bought one of everything... "fake" hamburgers, "fake" grilled chicken, "fake" 3 bean chili, "fake " chicken tenders, "fake" BBQ riblets... you get the idea. And guess what? I can eat it some what when I can get past the "fake" taste. But I figure this, like any other dietary change, in time your taste buds change. I know when I did that "cabbage soup" diet I hated it, but one month later I just loved it, lol. And that's where I am today, tasting, trying, and adjusting to my new food choices. I can only ingest a good two bites or so and as of late my body is rejecting sweets (which is a blessing) but day by day it gets a little easier and I am re-establishing my relationship with food. A more respectful, educated and peaceful approach.  I"ve decided that instead of looking at this as "poor me, why me", I'm looking at it as "lucky me, a new way has begun".
Today I am 13wks post op. 205lbs. From size 4x to 1x. I'm happy here and look forward to the rest of my journey. Even the bumps in the road.

So, last nite I sat in the ER for about 8hrs to get fluids and potassium.  Its no ones fault but mine... When they say drink plenty of fluids, they mean it.  Not that I haven't tried... I'm just constantly sporting an upset stomach.  Seems all meats are out for me at this stage in the game and eggs, pasta, rice... Guess I'll live on beans for a while. Or take it back to yogurt, soup and things of such. Though frustrating and a bit emotionally draining, I have no regrets. I am down 40lbs from my highest weight, down 32 since my first surgeons appt and in 6wks have lost a combined total of 24.75 inches. My pants were a 28, now 24.  My shirts 30/4x are now 18/20-2x. So it seems to be a sweet suffering thus far. 

My surgical date was moved up and I went for gastric bypass and hiatial hernia repair on 11/23/11. I missed my sons first Thanksgiving cause I was in the hospital but he'll never remember and this decision will add ten years + Thanksgivings on the end of this tour when he will know what's going on.  I am almost 4wks post op. I have lost 23lbs. I am still not feeling too swift, I am still experiencing waves of pain but every day is a little bit better. I am walking about 15 minutes a day which is below what I should be doing but it seems if I do more then that I pay the price in agony for hours, so I take it easy.  This is a journey and everybody's path is different. This is what works for me. Its been a rough start, but I keep focused on the end result: Health and life worth living.

Ok, today I am feeling much better.... So much to "say"...

First an update:
Went for my follow up endosocopy on Tuesday.  The doctor did NOT find any lesions and that is one step in the right direction. Next week I will get the biopsy results back and if they are "clean", I am on track for RNY scheduled for 12/5.  Now.... IF its dirty, then I will have to do treatment and hold off on my surgery for awhile.
But I'll just claim my victory now and walk in the truth that all will be fine.

About my group: 
I went to the support group at my surgical hospital, CentraState Medical Center Freehold, NJ last night and I am so glad that I attended.  I was in an emotional funk and forced myself to go and how rewarding... They had a clothes exchange and I got some "new" clothes for me.  Grabbed a pair of jeans 3 sizes smaller... can't wait to fit in those, lol. 

After the meeting I "forced" myself to talk to 3 people. 
I have such a hard time in a group setting of individuals I don't know... The one lady had surgery late March of this year and 6 months out has lost 96lbs!! That's crazy... Kinda got me excited and hopeful... I spoke to a girl who is 9 days post-op and says she is so happy already.  It was a little uncomfortable but worth it, she has lost 26lbs.  Then I spoke with a girl scheduled for surgery  2wks after me and she hasn't decided which procedure yet.  

Just "net working and talking to women both pre-op and post-op really made me feel better. 
They say those groups become your life line... I think that's what "saved" me from myself yesterday...
Now I have pep in my step again and I'm all excited!!

Until next post...