I am so happy!!  I had an appointment with Dr. Rossi Tuesday, because Jake had questions about alot of things that he would feel better if Dr. Rossi answered.  So, we went.  I talked to Sara, which is the one that handles all the insurance stuff.  Our insurance is changing on Jan 1, 2009.  The insurance I have now ( BCBS), will pay for my surgery.  I am in the 4th mth of my 6mth supervised diet. The 6th mth will fall on Dec.  We have got to get the paperwork and approval by Dec 31.  Well, I was thinking and had read on this site, that I can use that first visit to my PCP as one of the visits!!  So,now Nov will be my 6th mth!!!!!!!  I am soooooo excited!!!!!  My first visit to my PCP was in July.  I had a visit to her in June as well.  She looked back, and at that visit we had discussed diet and exercise and weight loss.  It was all recorded!!!  I am thrilled!!!!!!!!  Now my surgery will hopefully be sometime before Christmas.  I am going to call Sara first thing Monday morning.  I would even start the liquid diet the day after my last visit with my PCP.  That way we don't have to wait as long for that!!  I know I am jumping ahead......hell I my not even get approved.  But, still I am so happy!!  When I think about it, I get a little scared.  I know everything will be fine, God is right there.  I just start thinking about all the "What ifs" , and get nervous.  It is hard for me to really feel and believe at this point that I will ever be smaller.  I know that I need to be positive, and have faith, but I have ALWAYS been heavy.  it is hard to imagine life thin.  No plus size stores, no more people staring and looking you up and down.  No more being out of breathe from turning over in bed.  No more people calling you fat ass anymore.  I just can't see it.  I want to see it, I just can't.  I just want to get this done.  Well, I think I might post this on the main board, I am just soooo excited!

1.)  I want to tie my shoes and still be able to breathe.
2.)  I want to shave my legs and not be out of breath. 
3.)  I want to shave my legs and not miss areas!!
4.)  I want to feel sexy for my husband.
5.)  I want to go to Wal-Mart and not hide from people I know.
6.)  I want to go anywhere and not hide from people I know!!
7.)  I want to be able to buy clothes at Old Navy.
8.)  I want to be able to buy clothes at Goodys that actually look good.
9.)  I want to be able to find something in American Eagle that fits me other than the hats.
10.)  I want to buy something other than lotion at Victoria's Secret.
11.)  I want to be able to breath easily when I get in my Jeep.
12.)  I want to sit in a vehicle with one leg under me in the seat, and the other in the floor.
13.)  I want to cross my legs.
14.)  I want to smile and not see my own cheeks.
15.)  I want to not be embarrassed to see myself in my hairdressers mirror.
16.)  I want to be able to go to my sons school, and not be ashamed for him to have a fat mom. 
17.)  I want to see my sons real mom, and her see me thin.
18.)  I want my sons real mom to not be able to call me fat anymore.
19.)  I want to ride my horse at 145 lbs again.
20.)  I want to be able to get on my horse by myself again.
21.)  I want to be able to not have to use a stool to get on my horse, I want to get on from the ground.
22.)  I want to be able to lean over and hug my horse again from the saddle.
23.)  I want to sit with my leg crossed on the saddle when we stop to rest.
24.)  I want to not be afraid of pictures.
25.)  I want to go to Bush Gardens and not be afraid I can't fit in the rides.
26.)  I want to ride Go-Carts with my son.
27.)  I want to buy off the sales rack.
28.)  I want to fit inside booths at restaurants comfortably.
29.)  I want to get satisfied on a Happy Meal from McDonalds.
30.)  I want to be able to sit down without my hands sitting on my belly.
31.)  I want to be able to turn over in bed without losing my breath. 
32.)  I want to be able to lay in bed, on my back, and not feel suffocated. 
33.)  I want to sleep good again.
34.)  I want to not be ashamed to have sex with my husband. 
35.)  I want to wear "sexy" things for my husband during sex.
36.)  I want my husband to see my face thin again.
37.)  I want to wear a size 12.
38.)  I want to be able to wear cute scrubs to work.
39.)  I want to not feel like an Ogar at work, when I clean a patients teeth.
40.)  I want to not be the fat girl at work.
41.)  I want to grow my hair back out. 
42.)  I want to wear a Kid Rock tank top.
43.)  I want to go to a Kid Rock concert skinny!!!!
44.)  I want to not feel so fat around my friend Tiffany who is a personal trainer.
45.)  I want to go coon hunting with my husband.
46.)  I want to do # 45, even if it's a hard hike.
47.)  I want to hike a small trail in the Smokey Mountains.
48.)  I want to wear American Eagle jeans.
49.)  I want to go shopping at Concord Mills NC, and be able to BUY clothes.
50.)  I want to wear a "wife-beater" shirt. 
51.)  I want to go sleigh riding at Winterplace.
52.)  I want to wear camo shorts and a tank top.
53.)  I want to paint my toenails easily.
54.)  I want to wear bibs at the barn.
55.)  I want to wear a snowsuit at # 51.
56.)  I want to ride all the rides at the water parks!!!
57.)  I want to wear boots comfortably.
58.)  I want to RIDE A 5-GAITED SADDLEBRED again.
59.)  I want to show a horse again.
60.)  I want to walk down the mall in confidence.
61.)  I want to go out dancing with my husband. 
62.)  I want to see all of the things on this list completed.
63.)  I want to have only one chin!!
64.)  I want a stranger to look admiringly at my butt!!!!
65.)  I want #64 to be a guy.
66.)  I want to ride a bike again.
67.)  I want Tiffany to take me for a ride on her Harley.
68.)  I want to break my addiction to Diet Coke.
69.)  I want to wear a size smaller shoe!!  ( I heard that happens)
70.)  I want to wear cute underwear from Victoria's Secret.
71.)  I want to go to the movies and sit like in # 12.
72.)  I want to have a personal trainer help me.
73.)  I want to jog.
74.)  I want to do the "Booty Dance" for my husband!!
75.)  I want to say... " I haven't ate/drank that in months."
76.)  I want to not be insulin resistant anymore.
77.)  I want people to not recognize me.
78.)  I want to be able to help people on the main board that are just starting this journey.
79.)  I want my picture on the Before and After slide.
80.)  I want to put "After" pics on my profile.
81.)  I want to stop sweating so much!!!!
82.)  I want to clean out the stalls, and not have to sit down because my back hurts.
83.)  I want to be called skinny!!!
84.)  I want to not ALWAYS be thinking how fat I am.
85.)  I want to walk in a walk-a-thon.
86.)  I want to get a Wii.
87.)  I want to not be afraid of Jillian Michael's in #86!!
88.)  I want to wear Nike gym pants to the gym.
89.)  I want to join a gym and not be embarrassed.
90.)  I want to not be afraid to buy a pop-up camper because of fear of it not holding me as I sleep in the little beds held up by nothing.
91.)  I want to do a cartwheel again.
92.) I want to go to my 20 year reunion and look better then I did in school.
93.)  I want to go to the State Fair in 2009, and walk without being in pain.
94.)  I want to go to all the horse shows in 2009.
95.)  I want to not be embarrassed to ride in front of people again.
96.)  When Jakes friends want me to ride their horse for them, I want to be able to do it!!!!!!!
97.)  I want to rack BayBoy.
98.)  I want to have alot of energy.
99.)  I want to trail ride at Dismal.
100.)  I want to make a new list 1 year after my surgery of "THINGS I CAN DO NOW."

Well, I haven't posted in a while.  So, I thought I would.  I am getting ready to go next week to my 4th mth visit with my PCP.  I have my psych. app week after next.  I have an app for Jake (my husband) to talk to Dr. Rossi.   He is just getting worried, and asks me all this stuff....I answer him and he still doesn't feel better.  So, I thought that an app with the surgeon was needed.  That way he can ask what he needs to and will hear it from the surgeon himself!  Sometimes I feel like he would feel better if he heard it from him, because I am just "his wife".  And I think he thinks I am just telling him all this to make him feel better or something.  So, hopefully this will help.  I feel better about all of this coming together.  I can't believe I am already in my 4th mth of my 6mth wait!!!  I feel like it was just yesterday I was complaining about it being so long.  I am trying to stop drinking Diet Coke.  I have a real problem.  I will admit it.  I have to really pray about that.  I am already looking at menus when we go out, to try to find what I may be able to eat after surgery.  I know I can do this!!!  I am getting so excited!  I look at all these pics on here of after and really feel encouraged.   I so want to ride again...comfortably.  I want to wear a Kid Rock tank top.  I want to go to a dog festival with my dog and not feel like the fat girl with the only thing that loves her!  I want to go into Wal-Mart and not feel ashamed of my body.  The list goes on...   I need to make a list of all my Want tos' and post them.  Sunday at Jakes work was a day that everyone brought their families and we got to see what he does all day (or night).  I didn't go.  Guess why?  I had really wanted to go to....he works over 2500 feet underground.  I wanted to show him how proud of him I am.  But, it was one more way my weight "won".  I was really embarrassed for him.  He tells me I am crazy...he loves me, but it doesn't really help.  I don't want those other men over there saying..."Yeah, his wife's a fat ass."   I'll go next year!!!!  I am not working right now, and I am afraid it is making me lazy.  I have never been a lazy person, but right now it is all I can do to keep from laying down and taking me a good nap!!  I sorta miss work, the money of course and the female interaction.  I don't miss the patients....so many of them are hateful and mean.  Jake doesn't want me to go back at all.  I want to after my surgery.  I might try to go to work at a college, instead of private practice. I can teach in a Dental Hygiene clinic.  I might like that.  I took my dog to the Dogtoberfest this past Saturday.  I had so much fun!!  It was a blast.  They had all kinds of "doggy" contests.  Hooch won 3 of them.  It was fun.  (OK I know I am pathetic)  Can't wait till next year...I will be smaller!!  I saw the pictures and got depressed....its kinda like you really don't know how you got here.  I think .."God, am I THAT big?"  But, all of this is starting to come together.  I hope to have surgery around Jan/Feb.  My best friend is already telling me to make sure and tell her when, so she can mark off that day at work.  That makes me feel so loved!!!  I will need all the love and support I can get that day.  I might even get the surgery in Dec.  That would be great!!  Except Christmas would suck for everyone else.  Well, I better go wash more clothes!!

I am on my 3rd month of my pre-surgery stuff.  My PCP is so nice, she just tells me to do the best I can.  I am not losing any weight.  I will do real good for 2-3 days, then I stop and think....." I may never be able to eat this again."  And then I eat it, and I eat more, and then I feel like sh---.  I am bigger than I have ever been in my life.  I can't do anything.  I am taking my dog to the park 3-4 times a week.  I walk about 1-2 miles there.  It is a good stress reliever as well.  My dog really enjoys it!  I am trying to quit drinking Diet Coke before I have surgery.  I think that might help me.  I guess I am not the only one that has been depressed about their weight like this.  I just want to get it done.  If I research anymore on this site, I will be able to do the surgery myself.    I just am getting obsessed with it I guess.  It is all I think about, all I read about, and all I talk about.  I am blogging all this down, in hopes that one day I can look back on this and say....I remember when I felt that way.   It's coming I know, I have to be patient.  Right now I am sitting here at 1:00 in the morning typing this and listening to my husband snore.  My dog is asleep on the bed, at my husbands feet.  Every now and then he will snore too.  I just type what I feel on this, because I don't think anybody will really much read it.  If, by chance you are, I am sorry .  Well I better go to bed....they say it increases your appetite if you don't get enough sleep, and that's all I need.

Well yesterday I went to my first app with my nutritoinist.  It went good, not what I expected.  She was really nice, she seemed laid back.  I told her how much I had been trying to do my "homework" on this surgery.  I have read alot of books on nutrition and diets.  I really liked The South Beach Diet.  I have also read The Adkins Diet.  I liked South Beach better.  I am also a regular joiner of Weight Watchers.  So, I am aware of alot of the good and bad choices.  We really talked alot about other things other than nutrition.  So, she was cool.  I feel like she would tell me though if there is something I needed to know.  I hope I get to meet with her often after my surgery, she said that alot of patients don't.  I can't believe some don't.  I will feel like I need to.  Oh well.  I think now that I am into this WLS thing a little more, my surgeon and his office is not as strict as some.  That can be a good thing and a bad thing.  I hope it is more good than bad.  They really haven't explained much to me after my consult.  They just said that I needed to meet with a nutritionist and psych.  Gave me my nut app, and psychs #.  I am always one to ask a million questions though, so it might just be me.  As I talked to her yesterday, I began to realize the major step I am taking.  My husband is really worried about alot of things.  He talks to people who know this and who know that, and takes that as the gospel and worries about it.  Can't say I blame him.  I would be the same way if I was him, and had not researched like he's not done.  One thing she told me that was a big surprise was that I have to be on liquids (slim fast drinks???)  14 days before my surgery date.  Holy Hell I thought it was only 3 days!!!!   So much for not dreading that!!  Well I better go now, gotta cook supper.