Cleopatra_Nik

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As my two-year “surgiversary” approaches, I am called to think about the changes over the past year particularly. Most of us, I sense, think about pre-op vs. post-op changes but I’d like to spend a little time observing the changes each of my two post-op years has brought.

Year 1 – Adjusting and Anticipation

Of course when you first have surgery it’s a whole new world. I have since surgery learned that the adjustment for everyone was not quite as jarring as it was for me. I was terribly misinformed about nearly everything. I didn’t know that I was still supposed to eat post-op (I am not being witty here…I was borderline anorexic there in the beginning). I thought the point was to never eat. So I never ate in the beginning and it caused me problems. I didn’t fully accept pre-op how big a crutch food was to me. Sure, I said all the right things in the psych eval but I thought to myself “if I can just take the hunger away, I’ll be fine.” Little did I know hunger takes more than one form and that psychological and physiological changes that would ensue would keep me on my toes! Let’s go through them a bit shall we? See how many YOU can identify with:

The “dead man walking” phase – right after surgery. You’re shell-shocked, you are traumatized by the very thought of eating, and could sleep the day away.

The “hello! I got my mojo back!” phase – especially prevalent in women, this is when the body starts burning massive amounts of fat releasing massive amounts of estrogen into the female blood stream. Many post-ops “oops” babies are conceived during these months. And if not then at least there are plenty of happy husbands out there.

The “ohcrapI’minastall!” phase – the first major stalls after WLS are panic inducing and traumatic, but then we get over it.

The “ohcrapIcaneatmore!” phase – self explanatory…

My first year ended on a good note. I’d lost about 140 lbs. and looked forward to zooming into goal…

Then came Year 2 – Tough realizations and Begrudged Acceptance

Year 2 brought the dreaded “p” word. That’s right…plateau…Thankfully I’d lost a few more pounds by the time this happened but when it did it hit me like a ton of bricks. Firstly, because I weight was plateau’d at a much higher weight than I wanted. Second, because the way my body worked changed AGAIN. No matter what I did the scale did not move. I ate less. Nothing. Ate more. Nothing. Exercised more. Nothing. Ate on plan. Nothing. Ate total crap. Nothing. Which brings me to my next point…

In any maturity process there is going to be a rebellion stage and boy did I go through it. I’d test my pouch just to make sure it was still there. Because I could eat a lot. And I could eat a lot of things. Was my surgery still working? My dear friends, if you ever want to know if your surgery is still working, try eating exactly as you would have before surgery (lesser amounts of course but just for a day or a meal revert back to old foods and see what happens…I guarantee something will happen that you don’t like. May not be physical but it will happen…). My rebellion was short lived though. Even the most self-deprecating person gets tired of being sick after a while. Such was the case with me. I got sick of feeling bad and since the scale didn’t move through it all (not up, not down) I satisfactorily proved that yes I did, in fact, have weight loss surgery. It was not just a dream.

But the mind games were also not a dream. Once they do more research on us in the future, I predict psychologists will share that many bypass patients suffer severe body dysmorphia at this stage. And it is not static…like a constant sense you are too big. It is fluid. How I look in the mirror—the actual image I see—depends on a lot of factors, a few of them being: what I ate, how much I ate, how much the scale says I weigh, whether I feel like I am doing a good job, etc. The image we see is not the same as what everyone else sees but this becomes more pronounced in year two as your brain struggles to understand how you can fit in a size 6 with piles of skin that look like fat hanging everywhere.

Year two also entailed a lot of explanations. To my family, friends, others, explaining that I am supposed to be able to eat more. Yes, I can eat that thanks for checking. No, that doesn’t make me sick anymore. Fun, fun!

So as I approach year 3 here is my prediction, I may be wrong…

Year 3 – Onward and upward…

What do I mean by that? Well, first off certain things that were strange or off-putting to me are now beginning to feel normal. Like the abruptness of meals. I don’t expect them to take very long. I expect to get full very fast. Somehow I am able to move on from there whereas I used to have to chew two sticks of gum to let my brain finish chewing.

I find myself less food obsessed (although I will always be a foodie). I used to go to grocery stores just to be in the presence of food. It was comforting to me. Like a swaddling cloth or something. I find now that I do food shop very often (mostly owing to the fact that I buy more fresh food and therefore have to replenish more often) but I don’t need that constant contact. I don’t watch Food Network 24/7 anymore. I don’t post on OH all day long.

And I am starting to like this body that I have. No, it’s not the 160 lb. body that I set out for in the beginning. It’s 187. A solid, muscular 187 that I am proud of. But the point is that I am who I am and I like who I am. So I predict that by the end of this year I’ll be further along the path to self-acceptance.

If you’ve read this far…I have to question the amount of free time you have? Are you working? Working out? Go have fun instead of listening to my rambling! Hope this has given you some insight into…something.

Happy New Year.