I went to my first plastic surgery (PS) consult a few weeks ago so I could see where I was at and what I needed to do in the future. I realize it is probably too soon for PS but I am one of those people who needs information early on to prepare myself for the next step. I think I need something to look forward to, too. I liked the doctor and his staff. He was recommended by my WL surgeon, too.

I think I want to weigh 139-145 when I am maintaining. I am thinking I need to lose 25-30 more pounds before PS. I don't remember the last time I weighed 145. I don't remember what size that is. I would be happy to weigh whatever number as long as I feel good, have energy, don't hate looking in the mirror, can shop in regular sizes and be healthy. I don't know if it is realistic to be under 24 BMI, but I am told that it is one indicator of being healthy. I don't know if it is realistic for me to be under 35" waist, but I am told that it is one indicator of being healthy. I don't want my excess weight to keep me from living life and I have seen that PS can help people really live their life.   What I really want is for my waist to be less than 35 inches and to wear a size 10 while I am maintaining. I have no idea how much I will weigh when this happens, but I know I will need PS to help me get there. I never thought I would be so willing to have PS, but now that I have made the decision to have WLS and lose the weight, PS does not seem as big of a deal. I know it will be painful and I know it isn't for everyone.

I am curious how much skin and fat I will lose and how many inches I will lose with a LBL and BL?  How do I know when it is time to have PS?   I have heard that being stable for several months before PS is best. I am not usually caught up in the numbers and honestly right now I am feeling so good even without a "small" waist. I am not about focusing on the numbers, but it is one way I can assess progress. How do others measure whether they have achieved their goals? I feel better, I have more energy and I am happy. Those are the best signs of achievement. Maybe that explains the "stall" for the past 6 weeks. I am content where I am right now. Or at least I was until I got a fill last week. Now I want to lose weight again!

I think my waist will always be bigger than average and probably the same as my hips, but overall I want my waist and hips to be under 35" because I have been told that is one way to determine whether someone is healthy. I carry most of my weight around my middle--which is not good! I don't think I will ever have a small waist; I have never had one. I have a hard time imagining myself with a smaller waist. I don't want a perfectly flat stomach. I just don't want the rolls of flabby and loose skin.   I wish I could know how PS will work on my body. I wish I could take the body I have today and see what it will look like after a LBL and BL. It is hard for me to not know something and that is why it took so long for me to have WLS. Until I knew that lap band would work for me, I couldn't do it. I kept reading the boards, reading books, attending seminars, getting information until I felt that this was a solution that would help me get results. I am looking for the same thing with PS--enough information and real life examples of what might happen that I feel confident that I can do it, too. I am not looking for guarantees, just hope that it will help me get where I want to be.

Standing Still

I feel like I am standing still,
but the world is rushing
by me, around me, through me.
The chaos exists, yet I won't let it consume me.
 
I am still standing.
Barely.
 
Swarms of bees are circling around me, waiting for me to move.
If I move, even a twitch, they will seize their opportunity to attack.
I will feel it, I will run, I will panic.
It might destroy me.
 
So I stand still.
Safely.
 
I feel quiet in the chaos when
I stand still.
 
Inside I struggle, not outwardly visible.
I don't let others see the conflict,
Very often.
 
And on the inside I feel those bees just itching under my skin,
irritating me,
Screaming at me to do something,
anything.
 
Move.
Stop playing it safe.
Feel the chaos and act.
It will restore me.
 
Sometimes,
I share who I am and my internal battles,
and then I am no longer standing,
still.
I am fidgeting, restless and noticed.
 
No progress.
I hate standing still.
But I am exhausted and standing
is better than lying down.
 
Then I'd be giving up.
Atleast, I am still standing.
Fighting.
 
I need to start moving,
crawling, walking, jogging,
Again.
 
I need progress.
Maybe standing still is progress.
Maybe not.
 
I want to surrender to the outside and show the inside.
I want the outside to match the inside and
the inside to be reflected on the outside.
 
It still feels like being out of balance and wobbly.
 
I am glad I am not lying down or giving up.
That would be so much easier.
 
Instead I will stop standing still and
Start making progress.
Again.

What I learn from my experiences shapes who I am. I like who I am, even though I don't always like the experiences. My experiences along my journey help me identify who I am. At times I feel lost, or I wander, but during these times, I learn things I didn't even know I needed or wanted. Some of these discoveries help me find purpose; they help me find me.  

Will the real Chantel please stand up?  

One of the most recent, and significant, discoveries for me is obviously physical. Losing weight has given me more energy,which I expected and eagerly anticipated. But one of the surprising discoveries is the impact of the physical changes on my emotional and spiritual identities. My career, my attitude, my family, and my friends are impacted. The physical transformation is enmeshed with other pieces of my life. I cannot separate them from one another. Because they are all tied together, when I let go of the excess weight and change my physical being, other changes happen. I thought there might be some changes to other areas of my life, but I didn't understand the magnitude or the potential that existed with a transformed body.  

I have let go of 65 pounds, which has necessitated me to let go of who I was in that body. Letting go of who I was hasn't been as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, it has been challenging and it has not been easy, but it has been doable. I use to think it was impossible.  

It has been doable because I had the desire to make the change and I committed to making the changes necessary to accomplish my goal of living a healthy life. That high level of commitment and dedication makes it possible for me to make choices that support my goal. For example, it has been more challenging lately to say no to sugary foods, snacks, and junk food in general. And when the scale doesn't move or moves in the wrong direction, it is even more challenging, but I remember my commitment and I honor it as much as I can. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I can now forgive myself and keep going. I know it is possible. Quitting will not help me achieve the end result and it will take me back down a road I have already traveled. I didn't like that road very much and I don't plan to go back down it ever again. I like who I am on this road a lot more.  

But how do I forgive myself for the way I treated myself in the past? For all those years, I didn't really realize what I was doing. I was using food to suffocate my feelings, which numbed my mind and my awareness. I buried my soul in layers of fat. I hid inside my body so I wouldn't feel vulnerable. I was trying to survive and get through life without my mom. I got carried away down the wrong path and I didn't even know it. When I finally figured it out, I didn't know exactly how to turn around and go back. I tried many times to get back on track by losing the weight. I tried and failed, again and again. I thought losing weight would fix me.  

What I have realized is that I can't go back, even as much as part of me wants a "do over". What I can do today is make a different choice now. Sometimes the road is narrow and never-ending; sometimes it is wide and smooth. But either way, I can choose to make the best of it. This is my journey. This is my life. I have to forgive myself for the choices I made in the past in order to keep moving forward in the present. And that is what has "fixed" me. Forgiveness.  

Forgiveness means being free from feeling trapped in my own skin. I read Murder By Family this past weekend. His story is remarkable, courageous and inspirational. If a dad can forgive his son for plotting to murder his own family, and ending the lives of his mom and brother, then forgiveness of anyone is possible.  

Forgiving myself and letting go of who I was has been rewarding because I have discovered who I am. As an obese person, I had built mechanisms to protect myself and I had ways to deal with emotions that were not good. Those things kept the real me protected, but they also kept me hidden. I did not grow as much when I was hidden in that dark place. I felt alone. I struggled. Now I can create new ways to interact with myself and others. Now I can be alone without feeling lonely. Now I can find purpose and the reason that I am who I am.  

Best, Chantel  

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." Pericles, ancient Greek statesman.

"Those who really seek the path to enlightenment dictate terms to their mind. Then they proceed with strong determination.”

Know Yourself

The only way
to get what you really want
is to know
what you really want.

And the only way
to know what you really want
is to be yourself.

And the only way
to be yourself
is to know yourself.

And the only way
to know yourself
is to listen to your heart.

~ Ilchi Lee