It's strange how right when my discouragement over this surgery reached it's lowest the scale FINALLY moved.  I am beginning to wonder if I am actually eating too little in calories.  Why?  The week I was so depressed I eat horrible, probably more calories since the surgery.  Though they were bad ones I wonder if my body was all excited and lost weight.  Just a theory.

I got some great advice from my last post here and feel I am getting back on track.  Now the scale has moved I am rededicated to making myself do the same.  I actually miss exercising.  I need it for my mental health along with my physical one as well.  My friend back in Indiana has presented a cool challenge to for us to do together.  She had the RNY over 9 years ago and has done the yo-yo thing with her weight.  She has 40 lbs she would like to get off and I have 40 lbs left to get off as well.  The challenge is a friendly competition to see who does it first.  We both got the Flirt Girl work out videos, which we can do "together" along with anything else we want to add.  It is like the biggest loser long distant!  I am excited to have the extra motivation.  Plus, she has some awesome clothes I would inherit if she loses the weight along with my loss...can't blame a girl to get excited over FREE clothes.

So, today I have re-tracking my food intake, water intake and exercise.  Not to mention my measurements and clothes size.  I haven't been a size 16 since high school I think.  Which might I add is exciting!  However, I did realize my body shape may never allow me to be a size 0 which I need to accept.  I am not other people I am ME and need to be excited over my milestones.  They may be smaller then others but they are mine, just like this journey is mine.  So, off to do some moving

You make a decision to have this surgery to change your life.  Yet when it happens it seems once again you failed somehow.  It's been six months and you've only lost 83 lbs.  Yes, that is a large amount but you have so much to go!  Is it the way you are eating, what you're eating, not doing....the questions still linger and race inside your head. 

I am still the failure so many had called me all my life.  I even have failed at the gastric bypass surgery.  I eat sugar not every day, but often.  I eat carbs and wonder why I am not thinner.  Yet, this honeymoon phase that they speak of so much never landed on my door step.  I have had to exercise since the beginning to see any change. 

I am so discourage I want to cry but what is the point it wont change the scale.  I want to see a smaller number appear in my head and on the scale.  To never have to step foot in the plus size section of a store would be grand..but I must still now.  All the people I have meet are RNY failures.  They have lost weight and gained tons back.  Live unhealthy lives and eat whatever they want.  I don't want to be them I want to be healthy, thin and happy. 

Don't I deserve this??

Okay the last few days have been majorly stressful for me and I have realized I am a CARB addict.  Not a little addict that has a small problem I mean I am a huge full blown eatin the crap out of the crinkle bag addict.  This surgery can not stop this only I can and if I don't I will end up right back where I started.  I must learn to deal with my emotions in a better manner then to shove junk into my mouth. 

I realized that up to me working this past month I was using going to the gym to get out my life stresses etc.  How can I find time to be a mom, student, employee and wife?  I know there are only so many hours in a day, but I need the exercise.  Not just to keep the junk out of my mouth but also to help me stay in shape. 

I think I also need to plan my food in take which I am horrible at. So, what ya eating today will be my favorite post to get ideas what ya all are eating.  Because I am cluelss on what I need to eat to stay healthy since before I ate junk and didn't care.  

I just know I NO LONGER WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY and FAT!!

Month 1 10/7-11/7 281-242= 39 lbs
Month 2 11/7-12/7 242-237= 5 lbs
Month 3 12/7-01/7 237-219=18 lbs
Month 4 01/07-02/07 219-212=7 lbs
Month 5 02/07-03/07 212-203= 9 lbs
Month 6 03/07-04/07 203-193= 10 lbs
Month 7 04/07-05/07 193-193= 0 lbs
Month 8 05/07-06/07 193-192= 1 lbs
Month 9 06/07-07/07 192
Month 10 07/07-08/07
Month 11 08/07-09/07
Month 12 09/07-10/07
Month 8 05/07-06/07

Two weeks ago we (my family) joined the YMCA.  I have been going faithfully since for aqua exercise classes.  I am really enjoying the time away from kids, cell phones and my house.  However, mostly I am liking the fact I am moving!  I tried to do Power 90 DVD with my family and I about died.  I was dizzy, could hardly breathe and was sweatin horrible.  All this and not to mention I couldn't do 1/2 of the things they were doing.  Not sure if I am just to uncoordinated or my fat gets in the way.  So, modification in plans.  I will continue to go to the Y and will do what I can with P90.  I may not be able to do 10 reps but I can do 5.  I may not be skilled or strong enough (yet) to go from plank to upward dog stance.  However, I can do what I am able to do and keep moving. 

I guess all this being said I am learning slowly oh so slowly the important thing is I am moving.  My heart rate is up and I am building muscles.  My goal is to be able to do the whole 35 min workout with my family. 

Now onto the scale obsession.  Yes, I am obsessed!  I found myself on the stupid thing 2-3 times a day.  This is insane for any person to be doing, yet there I was being insane.  So, I did a self intervention.  I took the scale out of the bathroom, out of sight out of mind philosophy.  I allow myself to be weighed on Monday morning, then out it must go.  I keep reading people say I am more then what the scale says and I have to believe this motto.  I become annoyed if the numbers didn't change and feel this whole things is a waste.  

I wonder if it is worse because I have a Feb cruise looming over my head and I so want to be down more before going.  I would love to be under 200 lbs.  When the scale remains the same I freak...and since I am exercising this may be the case. I have to remember also that muscle weighs more then fat and I am building muscles somewhere under all this extra cushion.  

With all this being said I know in my brain in order for both of these things to work out in my favor.  You know the scale changing and exercise building muscle I have to be getting enough protein.  While my head knows this to be true my stomach has other ideas.  The thought of another protein shake passing my lips may make me vomit.  The quest for one that I can stand is costing a fortune on my pocket book...well really my hubby's.  I am never hungry so I totally forget to eat.  Nothing sounds good to eat nor does it taste good which makes getting PROTEIN in even harder.  

I read about all these people who are getting 90g a day in and I want to scream.  So, my mission for this next week is to meet the 60 g minimum my NUT gave me.  I am being realistic in saying at least 3 out of the 7 days, because I doubt I can go from 25-30 g to 60g overnight.  In doing this mission I hope to also have more energy and not be so freakin dizzy all day long.  

I'll keep ya posted!!