Uh oh.......it is that time.  I hate it.  

I have been on anxiety medication for almost 2 months now, and while it has helped my mood (a lot), it has also increased myu appetite.  The drug facts say that around this time, your body craves carbs and so people tend to gain weight.  Ugh.  Not happy.

I am struggling to find ways to be happy with myself.  One friend told me that I should just spend some time enjoying life and being OK with how I am now.  Then after the Holidays, if I want to lose more weight, I can.  The problem is that I have never been OK with myself.  After 26 years of being over critical of how I look, it is hard to suddenly stop.  

On the flip side, I am not being proactive at all about losing weight.  I find reasons to not go to the gym.  I find excuses to eat the exact opposite of what I should be eating.  Why do I have such a conflict going on here?  I like working out, why am I having these problems?  I need to find the answer quick.  I need some way to get and stay motivated!  I keep stressing out because I want to weigh 155, but I don't want to work to get there.  

Sometimes, I really just irritate myself. 

It has been over one year and I have reached a plateau, though I know exactly what I am doing "wrong" to not be losing.  I find myself depressed a lot becuase of my job.  I am incredibly un-challenged, and un-happy and want to do something in a field of something that I love.  I love so many things,  just if ONE of those would accept me into their world!  How fortunate I would feel! However, because of my distane for my job, my entire life is suffering, and I am in a slump that I can't pull myself out of.  I'm eating poorly and have recently found that there is a lot of guilt surrounding my reasons for eating.  I have implemented a new "back to basics" diet program for myself.  Strict and healthy to get myself back on track.  I am making my best efforts to go to the gym.  I found myself making excuses like "I don't have time."  Well, I will never have time, there will always be something to do, so if this is important to me, I will make time.  So I have.  I started dieting on Monday of last week and managed to do something active almost every day.  I am having a hard time being happy with how far I have come.  I feel like i have been focusing on how much I have left to lose and how "disapointed" I am with how I look. 

I guess I could say that this is a real dark time for me right now.  My Job is causing me sever stress - enough to induce panic and anxiety attacks.  Enough to inhibit my relationship with my friends.  Enough to depress me enough so that 7:00 on a weeknight is late.  I had a wake up call when I went to buy tickets to a play in Denver that had an 8:00 curtain.  8:00 isn't late.  Hundrets of Thousands of people every day make dinner plans for 8:00.  I find myself rejecting plans that start that late.  I need to find a way out of this destructive behavior!  it sucks.  I wish I could just quit my job.  Maybe they will fire me and save me the hassle of an extra two weeks!  How bad is it, when you think about things that way.  Oh man i'm in a bad place.  

People have told me to turn to God to help.  The scripture yesterday said :

"Brothers and sisters:
Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us
and persevere in running the race that lies before us
while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus,
the leader and perfecter of faith.
For the sake of the joy that lay before him
he endured the cross, despising its shame,
and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.
Consider how he endured such opposition from sinners,
in order that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood." - HEB 12: 1-4

Funny how these stories exemplify meaning for you to attribute to your personal lifestyle.

I had my one year appointment on FRIDAY the 13th!  My Lucky day.  I had been working so hard and restricting so much.  My self control amazes me sometimes.  However difficult it was, was totally worth it when I stepped on that scale.  170.  100 pounds.  1 year.  A huge sigh of relief came out of me as I just let myself smile.  My next goal is going to be 160, but I am not ready to start losing again.  I entered maintenance mode this week and I think I am going to stay here for a while.  Besides, I can't keep up with the clothes.  I went from a 12 to an 8 in about 2 months.  Yes, I said 8.  Single Digits.  Can you believe it?  I never thought I would be an 8.  My Mom is an 8 and she's gorgeous.  I feel really good right now so I think I'll jsut stay here for a while.  My friend today asked me when I was going to start losing again.  I told her, "probably after I go bathing suit shopping this weekend."  My agency wants me at 160.  If I killed myself, I could be there by June 1st. but I just want to enjoy meself for a while.  Besides, I don't think I really want to model anyway.  At least not out here in Denver.  I don't want other people putting pressure on me when I have come so far.  The perpetual shortcomings will emotionally weigh me down, and I would rather not have that negativity in my life.

You can get there too!  Just follow your rules and you can make it.

Well, so this is interesting.  Imagine, if you will, a chunky girl in a sea of twigs.  All her life, the Chunk hid away insecurities and tried to fit in as much as she could while not letting the world know she was "different."  As she grew into an adult, she contiuned the battle of wanting nothing more than to fit in, and while her mind kept thinking "smaller,, smaller," her body kept growing bigger and bigger. After several years of trying and failing, she fell into despair and lost all hope of leading a "normal" life with all the things that she wanted so badly to posess.  Her very own prince charming, her very own wardrobe from anywhere but Lane Bryant, her very own list of guys she's turned down.  These things, to a normal person, seem small, because they grew up having all of them.  Desparate, and willing, she looked into weight loss surgery.  Afraid and nervous, she attended her first educational seminar.  What she found there shocked and surprised her.  She fell in love.  Not with her prince chaming, but with another kind of prince.  This prince wanted to save her life and take her far, far away from Lane Bryant and give her the life she deserved.  Feeling like this was too good to be true, she incessently questoined the prince on his motives.  He answered all of her questions with answers that suited her finely.  And when the last question was answered, she just sat there staring at this prince.  She made the decision to have Gastric Bypass and within a month, her stomach was transformed from a football to a walnut.  Almost a year later, with a loss of 95 pounds (an olympic gymnast), this princess has more then she ever dreamed she would want.  Yes, she has the wardrobe from Lerners and Macy's and Forever 21.  Yes, she magically found her True Prince Charming. And yes, a massive list of frogs she's kissed along the way.  But, one thing that this princess did not expect was a modeling contract to top everything off.  the loss of 95 pounds revealed a beautiful starlet.  One who two agencies were actually bidding over.  How she laughed at the past!  How she thought about everyone who made her feel inadequate and laughed at them too.  This Princess will be forever greatful to the Prince who saved her life.  

Thank you Dr. Snyder.  It's been one year, and its just the beginning.

http://accessworldtalent.com/design.php?menu=models_actors&compId=275

Cassie

So far, weight loss this year has been slow.  I have been slow to get bak into it.  I had my 9 month check up with Dr. Snyder and we talked about my goals.  I am down to 180; a loss of 90 lbs total.  He said that was fine, I think it is behind the curve.  We talked about my expectations for myself being a little too difficult.  I want to be at 100% at my year.  My year is only 2 months away now, and that goal seems more and more unattainable.  Dr. S wants me to lose 10 lbs by my year (April 13).  That would put me at 170 - an even 100 pounds.  That would be 20 lbs more than my goal.  I understand that it is good to slow down, and that it is a natural process.  I have less fat to lose, so it will nto come off so easliy now.  It will be more graduall and over a longer period of time, but It will still happen.  I am wearing a size Medium top and a size 10/12 pant.  My ribs are visible, my back is bony and my hips are too.  My Boyfriend told me I was getting too bony on my hips.  I weigh 180 now.  My personal goal is 140.  Seeing what I look like now, I don't know what I will look like at 140.  Probably not so good. So We are going to go for 160.  To me 160 still seems heavy, but it will probably put me in a 4 or a 6.  I don't see how I could lose any more from my top, it all has got to come from my bottom.   I like what I look like now, but to me a 12 still seems fat.  Its only one size away from plus sizes after all.  I just want to get there and be done with it.  Instead of worrying all teh time and feeling guilty about what I ate or not going to the gym.  I put too much pressure on myself and my body is obviously resisting something.  Something I am doing isn't right.  Most likely I am doing everything right and just expecting too much to happen.  Once again, I need to calm myself down and just trust in what Dr. Syder says.  "It will happen.  Just follow the rules and you'll be fine."  I wish I had teh confidence in myself that he has in me.  He knows my body better than I do though.  He does this for a living.  He's seen everything so he's easy to talk to. Trust.

(tee hee - He said I'm bony!  Thats definately a first)