I have entered a new phase in my mental/emotional battle with obesity.

At almost a year out I ventured out yesterday with the mindset that I would just be "normal".  I wouldn't count protein...ounces....carbs etc.

Just eat using my pouch/stomach as my "inner voice" relying on it to tell me when to stop...when I was hungry...when I was satisfied.

I have now retroactively tallied the score (I am pretty sure I remembered everything I consumed but as we all know that is a flawed method)...to be truly scientific I should have at least written it down as I went but I didn't want to inhibit myself or skew the behavior in any way.

This is how close to normal portions or choices I got :

Breakfast - protein smoothie 

Lunch - .5 ounces brisket - 3 tablespoons potato salad - 1 tablespoon pinto beans - 1 oatmeal cookie  (I actually had much more on my plate but this is about what I consumed - I did have a fleeting moment of my pouch groaning and me still wanting what was on the plate)

Dinner - 3 tablespoons potato salad 1 table spoon beans - 1 small piece American Flag cake (wasn't really interested in the food just wanted to have a reason to sit at the table and socialize I guess)

Snacks: Popsicle and about 5 chips (these two make no sense - it was about 11:30 p.m. and I was working on some job stuff...totally no thought involved and the most scary of all the food consumed for the day)

So I then called my average sister in law (about 5' 5" and about 130 lbs) and asked what she had to eat yesterday.  To the best of her memory ( and she was pretty sure she didn't remember everything) she had:

breakfast: nothing

lunch: chicken breast, grilled veggies, salad and average slice of apple pie

dinner:   3 enchiladas, rice, beans, guacamole, chips & salsa, fried ice cream

snacks:  100 cal wheat thins and a granola bar

According to fitday.com 

I had:  1166 cals   52 g fat   140 g carbs   40 g protein

She had:   2345 cals   106 g fat    252 g carbs  109 g protein


A  side note:  she added at the end of her list that she was bloated...felt stuffed and did not usually eat like this but was at 2 different functions yesterday.  I asked her how she felt about her food choices for the day...she said mentally she had made a note to skip lunch for a few days and do about 30 minutes more StairMaster tomorrow.  She experienced no real guilt...just resigned to the no lunch thing and felt like the trade off was acceptable.

After putting pen to paper I felt huge guilt over the snacks, cake and cookie.  I had some negative inner dialog and some thought to extra exercise.  I did not plan to let my eating yesterday effect today's because I know I need protein and proper food and I knew that limiting my food would be counter productive. 

 

I also wondered to myself - if it were not for the holiday - would I have eaten differently - and I think the answer would have been yes - I probably would have foregone the cookie and cake...just not sure if something else would be in its place.

I would like to do the experiment again on a non-holiday day but to tell the truth I am too scared at this point.  

The experiment may or may not have yielded insight into my eating psyche now but it did reveal the following to me:

I need structure...I need to write down and analyze what I eat.  It makes me feel safe and like I am being faithful to my commitment.

I need good food ...I felt like crap last night and still this morning

Water makes a HUGE difference in my energy level and skin in just 1 day (I probably had about 16 ozs all day - lots of sf tea)

I am still addicted to food...I still get excited when it's a free-for-all, the thought of eating sans rules made me practically giddy and if it were not for the physical limitations (lets hypothetically say I had been simply dieting for the last 9 months)...I would have binged and probably ended on a downhill spiral.

Bottom line I guess is I am still a fat girl with an internal baby-sitter that I really need.

But one of these days soon I am going to have to be trusted to stay home alone....

Ok..so it's 10 months and a couple-o-days...but better late than never.

Here are some things I couldn't do pre-op that I now do at 10 months out:

Run (i mean a full out run) for at least 3 minutes without turning bright red and falling because my knee/ankle gave out.  Not too much huffing and puffing either if I do say so myself.

Leave food on my plate and not grieve about it secretly for the rest of the evening or the next day sometimes.

Squat to clean the front of the fridge/dishwasher /toilet etc.

Sit on the floor and get up without assistance and or loud groaning and grunting.

Put my seatbelt on effortlessly.

Buy something off the rack at any store I choose.

Take a compliment (not perfect at this..but getting better)

Look myself in the eye when I look in a mirror and genuinely smile.

Go to the doctor and be HAPPY to jump on that scale. 

Jump.

Wear cute matching panty and bra sets.


I know some of these things seem silly ... even vain.  But I have to admit they are important.  I think a little vanity is healthy....compared to zero vanity before RNY...which is self-destructive at best.

For those few things...there are a million others that I experience daily and I am trying to make sure I acknowledge all the little things along with the big ones...any victory is worth celebrating and keeps my commitment to this tool fresh and utile.

For all of those who went before me...and made my journey less scary - more exciting and fact-filled I thank you...thank you ....thank you.

I posted about my lengthy plateaus and the dichotomy of eating 1,000 cals p/day with exercise and not understanding how you can't lose if your calorie/activity is far below your BMR...this is one of the great responses I received...a plethora of info!!




A lot of the "Slippage in the System" comes when trying to get to exact numbers on Caloric Expenditure.
Those categories of- Sedentary, Lightly Active, Moderately Active, Very Active, Extremely Active…?
Unless you can "plug-in" to a monitoring device that gets an accurate and precise number read-out on "Calories Burned," the best that can be hoped for is ‘somewhat close.’ Somewhat close by 100? Or 500? A day? 2 days? The slightest variations add up quickly.
Even if one is absolutely anal retentive about counting each step taken, each Perceived Exertion Unit, there remains the case of taking a ‘fuzzy / poetic’ description of energy expenditure, and attempting to ‘describe it’ with a number. Yes?
Add one other…
Muscles burn calories at different rates, even when exerting the same force. In much the same way that two fireplaces, filled with equal amounts of wood, may burn at different ‘speeds’ than one another. So many variables are at play. The composition of the material, the availability of oxygen (spaces between) etc, etc, etc…..

Fairly Ok "Guess-timation" is about as "good as it gets."

Then there is the "wiggle room" of water to deal with…
There’s an 8 to 10lb. volume of "wiggle room" due to water alone.
And it comes into play a lot.
This has to do with our bodies using glycogen for short term energy storage.
Glycogen is not very soluble,
But it is stored in our muscles for quick energy –
One pound of glycogen requires 4 lbs of water to keep it soluble,
And the average glycogen storage capacity is about 2 lbs.
So, when you are not getting in enough food,
(Like when you drop down to your calorie intake)
Your body turns first to stored glycogen,
Which is easy to break down for energy.
And when you use up 2 lbs of glycogen,
You also lose 8 lbs of water that was used to store it
Voila -- the "easy" 10 lbs that most people lose in the first week of any diet.

As you stay in caloric deficit, however,
Your body starts to ‘realize’ that this is not a short term problem.
You start mobilizing fat from your adipose tissue
And burning fat for energy.
But your body also ‘realizes’----
(by way of your liver releasing hormones signaling low Cal intake)
---That fat can't be used for short bursts of energy –
Like, to outrun a sabertooth tiger.
So, it starts converting some of the fat into glycogen,
And rebuilding the glycogen stores.
And as it puts back the 2 lbs of glycogen into the muscle,
8 lbs of water has to be stored with it to keep it soluble.
So, even though you might still be LOSING energy content to your body,
(Thus showing negative Calorie load overall)
Your weight will not go down or you might even GAIN for a while
As you retain water to dissolve the glycogen that is being reformed and stored.
Yes?
The whole ‘weight-loss’ process is not a straight "Slide" down the scale.
More like "Stair-Steps," (Down then forward, then down, then forward, etc...
As your body cycles fat out of "deep storage" and through the Liver
Into the muscles as Glycogen.
The muscles and Liver can hold about a 3 weeks supply.
This is why many people find that their "Stall" or "Plateau"
Breaks when adding a bit of exercise
And upping their water intake, or in the case of an "extreme exerciser,"
The total Calorie or Protein Intake,
To signal the liver to let go of more Glycogen.
Fear not, many people who are now enjoying life at a normal BMI
Once had a few weeks or so of thinking-
"...my weight loss has been awfully slow, has it stopped..."?

Ok...so I finally lost 3 lbs...and now here we are stagnate again.

I guess I thought once I broke thru I would start losing weight again like I did before the plateau.

9 months out..that is not realistic I guess.

Based on 5' 4" female  with moderate exercise this is what my research shows me:


You have a BMR of 1550 kilocalories. The total number of kilocalories you need in order to maintain your current weight is 1860 per day.

My fitday.com says I am taking in about 800-1,000 cals per day.

I exercise moderately.

So I have a regular defecit of about 800 cals p/day - which equals a weekly difference between intake and BMR of about 7,400 cals a week. 

You have to create a deficit of 3,500 cals to burn a pound.

So where are my 16.96 (2.12 lb  x 8 weeks in april & may)?????

**getting out my cloak and overly large spy glass*** I am on the case!!

I have never gone into great detail about the hows, whys and wherefores of the financial side of my surgery. 

About 6 years ago I attempted to have wls thru the insurance on my job.  I was a paralegal for an attorney and our insurance was administered thru the TTLA (texas trial lawyers assoc).  Although they did cover WLS they denied me stating I was not obese - unhealthy - unhappy enough.  

6 years later I found myself working for a different lawyer...NO benefits..and miserable at 310 lbs.

I had bounced back and forth on this message board - watching everyone but me join the parade was too painful to visit everyday.  But the few times I did visit I noticed that UHC (united healthcare) was the best insurance company for allowing wls and I decided to look into the companies that offered UHC to their employees,

I found one.  But they were wayyyyyy out of my field.  Without sounding like a snob....the job was considered to be beneath my skill set and education.  But after months of waffling I took the plunge, quit my job (that I hated anyway) and went to work for a retail chain.

Surprisingly...they offered not too far below what I was making but the schedule (nights and weekends) sucked.

I started working for them in February 2006.  I had my first consul with my surgeon May 24, 2006.  I had my surgery August 24, 2006.  It cost me $2,500.00.  

Here comes the interesting part.

After I returned to work, my plan was to find a job more "suited" to my background.  But.....I kinda liked my job.  Last month they offered me the third promotion since starting working for them last year.  The schedule is Monday-Friday ... 9-6....and today I asked for a got a $3.00 an hour raise.  I asked for $2.50...my boss offered $3.00 to keep me.  I now make more working for them than I did as a paralegal.

I am happy.

Did I just type that?????

Wow.

I am happy.

I   AM   HAPPY

IAMHAPPY

yep.

Everything happens for a reason.

And that....makes me happy.