Heather D.

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I wired the money to Dr. Almanza's office in California and sent in all my paperwork. I don't have a date set in stone with them yet, but I'm aiming for 10/29/09. I am not nervous yet, but I expect to be anytime now.

When I read through the forums and look at before and after pictures I often see people (women) saying how gross and disgusting they are - or were. It kind of... offends me? Especially when I look at some before pictures and see a perfectly beautiful fat person. Like, seriously pretty. It bugs the hell out of me to see fat equated with ugly, worthless, etc. Because if you are calling yourself ugly just because you're fat, what is the message you are sending to other fat people? They are ugly, they are disgusting, they are worthless.

I can't say I have the world's best self-esteem. Not by a long shot. I don't really like having my picture taken and when I do, it often doesn't match up with the mental picture I have of myself. (Dysmorphia anyone?) But I, with conscious effort, try not to call myself names or speak too harshly about the size of my ass - or any other body part. It's definitely not an easy thing to stay positive when it feels like the whole world is trying to tell me otherwise. I think it's worth it though. And I hope that after I come through this surgery, I won't talk shit about my old fat self.

(PS - The title of this post just made me laugh. No offense or whatever. Though I don't really know why anyone would be offended by that. I just feel compelled to explain myself. Hi.)

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And as a bonus feature... My three-second inner monologue after receiving my new TX driver's license in the mail yesterday:
"Did I lose weight?"
"Not as bad as I expected."
"I look old though."
"And evil."
"I should wear makeup or something."
"Meh, whatever."

You know... Maybe my lack of self flagellation just stems from laziness. That sounds about right.

A couple things have been rattling around in my brain in the last couple of days. First one: I'm not sure I'll be going to Dr. Alvarez after all. Nothing against him. Susan George, from his office, has been nothing but lovely and helpful in answering all of 4.2 billion of the questions I've emailed her. It all boils down to budget, really. Dr. Almanza-Reyes in Tijuana has a better price and I've heard good things about him, too. (He has a special running "until the end of the year" sometime that makes the sleeve $6000 if you have it on a Tuesday or Thursday!) So that's the first thing.

The other thing was something that happened last night. I was looking at a profile and I commented on how gorgeous the girl was (before and after surgery) to my husband. He said, "Is she your inspiration?" I immediately got defensive and said no, she wasn't. It annoyed me he would ask me that, but then when I thought about it I couldn't figure out WHY a such an innocuous question would bother me so much. I think it came down to the fact that YES, she was an inspiration to me but I felt stupid about it - like who am I to want to look good after surgery? What makes me deserving of it? Then I just wanted to kick my own ass for buying into that whole fat is BAD therefore my body is BAD mentality. Fat has caused me a lot of health problems, but fat in and of itself is not good or bad in a moral sense. So why should I base my self worth on how much fat is or isn't on my body? That is just ridiculous.

As you may have gleaned from reading that last paragraph I have been reading a lot about fat acceptance (mainly Shapely Prose and Fatshionista). I really believe in size or body acceptance, but it's a hard thing to put it into practice. I kind of feel torn about it because I want to just accept my body no matter what shape it is, but then I ALSO desperately want to have weight-loss surgery. Hard to reconcile the two. My body is my body but I know I will be so much more comfortable in it when it's not quite so big. I don't have to be stick-thin, but I would love to be able to walk without pain. And do crazy things like sit on the floor, then be able to get up off of it. And have babies. And roller skate.