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Surgeon TestimonialMatt Bosquez, M.D.Well, I don't have a lot to add that hasn't already been discussed in this web site. Dr. Bosquez is a very knowledgeable, caring, and dedicated surgeon. I was very impressed with his presentation. He was informative in his presentation to the group and answered all questions without difficulty. He stressed that WLS is a tool that he provides that enables the morbidly obese patient to take credit and responsibility for their weight loss. I thought that was profound. A clever person could learn to work their way around the gastric bypass if they wanted to. A dedicated person will lose weight. |
Profile 2005 on January 1, 2005 12:00 am
1/25/2005
I am still at about 140# and feeling great. I was just hired as the bariatric surgical coordinator for WRMS in Fayetteville. I never thought I would be here. I am having a great time in this new body. Thanks to everyone who has supported me this last year and a half. I am so grateful. This job opportunity is going to allow me to help bring this life changing program to a whole new area. I can't wait. If you read this and get excited give me a call.
1/25/2005
I am still at about 140# and feeling great. I was just hired as the bariatric surgical coordinator for WRMS in Fayetteville. I never thought I would be here. I am having a great time in this new body. Thanks to everyone who has supported me this last year and a half. I am so grateful. This job opportunity is going to allow me to help bring this life changing program to a whole new area. I can't wait. If you read this and get excited give me a call.
4/19/05
Time to update again. I don't know if this new job was a good idea. I love the idea of working with new patients. It's just that now all I focus on is bariatrics. Its all I think about all the time. I never get away from it. I think about food and what I should eat, what am I supposed to eat, when should I drink, how much should I drink. I would like to just be normal. I know that after this surgery I will never just be normal, but I used to just think about food at meal times. I did not worry if I broke a rule once in a while. Now I find that I stay focused on my short comings often. I used to just get over it, promise not to do it again and go on. Now I just stay focused on these things all the time and it sucks.
My weight is hovering at about 149. I would like to lose another 17 pounds. That would make my BMI 24.9 which is normal. I joined Curves in March. I really like it but I am finding that just like always I am making excuses not to go. I didn't work out at all last week. This week will be better. I am determined. That 17 pounds is not just going to fall off. I am almost 2 years out. It it time to take the bull by the horns and start working for it.
5/12/05
Well I am feeling better about my job but worse about my eating. I feel like I focus on it all the time. It's on my mind all the time and that sucks. I want to be a "normal" person. Normal sized people can go get a candy bar and eat it without a huge personal struggle going on IE "you are a bad person, look you can't control yourself, you are going to get fat again, just look at yourself". Why do I have to react like that. Why can't I be like everyone else. Do you want to know why Dawna? You are an addict. You are addicted to those stupid sweet things. Once you start you don't stop! You eat until you get to 280 pounds and have surgery. You had surgery to stop that monster and you must stay away from that crap because you can go back. I really enjoy being a size 10, doing what I want when I want because I want to. I don't have to plan my escape route right when I walk in a place. I don't have to worry about fitting in the bathroom, or if the toilet will come off the wall. I am a normal person. A normal person with an addiction. I wouldn't encourage alcohol on and alcoholic. I am a foodaholic. I read something really interesting today. Food is not going to disappear off the planet any time soon, I don't have to eat it all right now. How profound!
Back to my new job. It is going slow but sure. I am bound and determined to get this off the ground on time. I am excited to see a patient. I held the first weight loss support group (not bariatric) last night. I had 2 in attendance and one was my partner who is having surgery in 3+ weeks. I know that is what is missing. I need to attend a support group. I have not attended one since my surgery. My surgeon was about 1 1/2 hours away so it was not convienent. He has left with no forwarding address, so his support group is gone now. There is a volunteer led support group in Rogers. I should attend that one. I should do lots. I am committing myself here and now. I did not do this to turn back now. I will get myself in line, I will attend a support group, I will work my job with abandon, I will work out as I should. I will get excited about life and that is it! That is what it is all about. I am going to the ASBS conference in Florida at the end of June. I am going to meet lots of people (surgeons, coordinators, etc.) I am really excited. I will be "myself" before I go. I want to look my best when I go. I want to be tan and feel good about my swimsuit! I got a hair cut and I really like the way I look. I look closer to "30" than I have in the past. I hate being told I look like I'm "12".
This post is all over the page. I promise I am mentally stable just depressed! I will get on getting that treated too. Thats alot to get done. I will do it!
5/13/05
I sent in an e-mail this am for a profile spruce up. I'm kinda excited about it.
You know what else I am excited about? I did something about all that crap from yesterday! This morning I went to curves and worked out. It felt great to get back to it. I definitely think it will be better to go in mornings. I also walked from work to my drug store to pick up my son's RX. It is not right next door (if you're wondering.) I also made an appt with my PCP for depression. Time to restart the Wellbutrin (3rd times the charm right). My first PCP told me if I was on for a year and came off and did ok great, If I had to go back on stay on 2-3 years and try to get off, If I had to go on a third time, do it for life. Well I did a year and came off (unsuccessfully), went back on 2 years, came off for WLS (it was SR), and now I know I really need to be taking it. So lets see if all goes well.
5/16/05
Well I took a step today in following up on my previous updates and I actually feel good about it! I went to see my PCP about my depression. He put me on medication that has helped me in the past. I know I will be feeling my old self really soon. I did not bring my work out clothes today, but I am going to work out in the morning. I enjoy working out in the mornings more than the afternoons. I think I am on the right path. Today has gone well. The snacking monster has left me alone. I am greatful. I know I do much better when I am distracted and busy. I had a meeting this morning and just have stayed busy today. Thanks for everyone's support on this site. It has been a life send.
5/18/05
Doing well today. I worked out yesterday and today. Yesterday I made up all my workout calories with junk food. Today I have made the conscious decision to avoid that. They are installing a new computer system here this week. I have been booted out of my office which they refilled with people and junk food (free for all). Yesterday I said yes, today I say NO Way! I not only worked out today but I delivered some bariatric articles to one of my surgeons via foot transport. It's not that far but I could have driven. It felt good to make the healthy choice. If anyone ever reads this, Thank You.
6/3/05
Wow, doesn't my profile look great. I am so excited, thanks bobbisox! You Rock!!
Cheryl is having surgery wed, just 5 days away. I am more excited and scared for her than I was for myself! I know the outcome will be perfect!
I have sucked at working out. I worked out tues (after taking a week off). Afterward I went to the mall. After about 15 minutes my stomach started hurting (date 5/31). I kept walking, thinking it was gas, but it didn't go away. I went home and fed the dogs and cat and laid down. I thought if its worse in 30" I'm going to ER. Well 3 hours later (after waiting in the waiting room) I was called back. An hour later I saw an MD who said all your labs are ok. Your xrays are ok, so it is just abdominal pain of unknown origin. Here's an rx for pain meds, come back if it gets worse. The pain was on my left side, just under my ribs. It was really severe! It finally let up and I thought great. Well wed night (June 1) I was doing great, getting ready for bed, had just alid down when it hit like a ton of bricks! I really thought something was going to explode beneath my ribs. I couldn't sit, couldn't stand, couldn't lay down. I just paced. I finally laid down with a heating pad, took a tordal and it let up some, finally I passed out. Well yesterday I was on the look out but it didn't happen, thank God. Yesterday though my right shoulder hurt all afternoon. I really believe my gall bladder is trying to bully its way out of me. I wouldn't mind, but I'd like to wait for July. We'll see.
6/23/05
Well, It's been a while. As I write this I am pretty disgusted with myself. I am at my highest weight (that I know of) in the last 2 years. 153. How great is that? My goal weight is 140. I know I am kidding myself when I say I ever got there. Maybe I spent 3 minutes there, but it doesn't really count. I stayed at 144 for a day or 2. But I have been flirting with 150 for months. Well today I made it and I am sick. I have been out of control. I have an addiction to sweets. Right now it is Reeses. I feel like I have to have one everyday. If I deny myself that one candy bar, I will eat everything else all day long (taking in way more calories than if I had just eaten the stupid candy). Anyway, I have to find a way to avoid this behavior. I don't know why this has come up. Do I have some sort of deficiency (yes I am deficient in will power!) Get real, don't make excuses. That is what got you to 280 in the first place.
My job. What to say about my job. I am unhappy to say the least. I keep hoping it will get better. I think it will, once I start seeing patients. I have started the nursing inservices. I had a whole 5 people actually attend. (10 LPN students also attended). I spoke at the new nurse orientation. There were 40 nurses there. I spoke on sensitivity for obesity. It seemed to go well. Lots of response. I passes around pics of me at 280. They couldn't believe that was me. I actually had 2 nurses approach me about possibly being patients. I spoke at the inservice this morning to the OR crew. Along with Erika and Mark. It went well. They seem to be getting excited. I have a meeting today with dietary about who knows what. They are the "hold out". They seem excited but want more training than what I have. I don't know where to find it for them. They were assured by the surgeon that they would not be involved and now I am asking for their involvement. When I down play what they will actually have to do, their boss requests a meeting with my supervisor and me. She doesn't want their input to be downplayed. What do I do? Go with the flow. It will be OK.
Will write soon, maybe I'll even get on track soon. 153 will be the highest I get. I set my intention to return to 145! Thank you God!
6/24/05
I know I updated yestreday, but I guess I left some stuff out.
Cheryl had her surgery on the 8th. She came home on Sat. The following Wed she was admitted for a partial small bowel obstruction. She came home the following Sat. Besides all this her recovery seems pretty normal. As of today, she has lost 28 pounds (3 weeks) WOW!! I am so proud of her.
We are leaving today to go to Little Rock. We are flying to Orlando tomorrow. I have to attend the ASBS conference. She is hitching a ride. I am really excited about it. Finally some real education about this job. Should make things alot more interesting for me. To actually have some clue of what I should be doing. We'll see.
I did eat snacks yesterday, but not as many as usual. I will do better each day. I declare it!
8/26/05
Been a while and man do I suck! I haven't exercised in forever. I hate it. I know it is good for me, but still I hate it. I have started bringing my lunch to work everyday. So at least I am having something healthy and not fried and greasy for lunch. I am also having instant oatmeal for breakfast everyday. It seems to stave off the snack monster. I know I need to buckle down but....
On the job front... I hate my job. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. It has got to. Or else. I'm sure once I actually get to work with a patient and get them on the road to surgery I will be more satisfied. It has been 6 months and I still don't have it going. It takes forever, but I think we may finally be on the way. If I don't fall in love with this job once I get it started then I will have to figure something out, but for now, I have made a commitment to get it started and that's what I am going to do. Today I weigh 153. I hate that. I wanted to be 130. I would be estatic to be 145 again. I know I need to buckle down and I guess I will when I get ready. I'm just tired.
My doctor doubled my dose of Wellbutrin and started me on Valium. I don't really like it and I think it is affecting my vision. I'm going to call him today. If anyone is reading this, don't give up but realize it gets harder not easier the farther out you go. Love Dawna
9/30/05
Well, where to start. I have been spending more and more time on this website. I wish I was as funny as some but I am a big bore. I don't think anyone really reads this but me so...
I am pretty depressed lately. I am taking my medications as perscribed (except I only take the Valium at night, sometimes my brain just won't stop). Anyway, I feel like such a failure. I know that I should be estatic with where I am relating to where I came from, but I am not. I am not at goal, nowhere near. 25 pounds away to be exact, even then I will still be overweight. I don't know why it is so damn important to weigh 130 pounds but it is. I really am not unhappy in how I look in clothes but... I cannot stand myself without clothing. It is disgusting. I called and actually made an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I know it will be a waste of time but... They quoted me an all inclusive price of at the most $8,000 if I need a lot of work (which of course I do!) I 've been thinking about where this 8 grand could come from. I could get a part time job. As an RN, there's plenty of work out there. It would only take two years of working every other weekend to make enough to pay for it. But if I work everyother weekend (the weekends Drew is with his dad) I will never have a break. Two years also seems like a really long time to HATE myself. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I feel like a failure so my brain says what's the point, you're fat, go eat what you want. You want 6 popsicles, go get them. What difference does it make. Well it does make a difference. I have gained about 15 pounds, before I ever made it to goal. I know it is my choice as to whether I make it to goal or not, but where is the drive? I don't think I ever had it. I didn't have to work for this weight loss. Sure I had to work with the tools but the weight just fell off. I didn't have to wake up thinking OK today is going to be the day I seriously begin to diet. Well that is the thought process now. That day never seems to come. I want to, but I just have lost the drive. I have lost the drive for lots of things in my life. I don't really live right now, I just exist. Which is what I did before surgery. I go to work, I go home, I make dinner, I go to bed. On weekends its the same except there is non stop eating and maybe a trip to the mall where I don't allow my self to buy anything. I don't feel like I deserve it. Who am I? Calling out to the real Dawna, come out, come out wherever you are!
My job is pretty much at a stand still. We are waiting to get our first patient approved so we can do that all important first gastric bypass. I have faith that the actual surgery will go well. I plan on being very involved in my patient's after care to ensure that it goes smoothly. I certainly hope this job gets better once the patients come rolling in. I know you guys are out there. You need to come out come out wherever you are. My profile makes you really want to have this surgery doesn't it. It is sooo inspiring. I feel really uninspired right now. I am sooooo tired. A B12 shot would probably help. I am still taking my vitamins etc as directed. I need to start exercising again. I really do hate exercise. I don't understand people that love it. There is something wrong with enjoying all that sweating and strain, maybe I just don't do it right. Wouldn't be the first time I didn't do something right.
My friend at work (yes I only have one, that's how it is when you work in a department all by yourself) is thinking about leaving. She is fed up. She works in her department alone too and hates it. What will I do if she leaves. She's the only one I have. It will be unbearable without her.
Drew is driving me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death but, help me God. I am worried. He goes to the psychiatrist next week. I am going to ask that his meds be upped. He has chewed his nail down to nothing and now he chew the skin. He has anxiety most of the time. His half brother was born about 14 weeks early weighing in at 1 pound 13 ounces. He is worried about that on top of school and social situations. I am going to see if I can also get a referral to a counselor for him.
Sorry for the sucky attitude if someone is actually reading, but... this is real. DW
10/10/05
well, I weighed in on Friday (for the first time in a long time). That damn scale had the nerve to tell me weighed 160 pounds. I know that it is true but it could have lied just this once. Well, it was a wake up call. I started Tae Bo Sat morning, along with at least 64 ounces of water, and protein supplements. Sound familiar? It's what everyone does, so I gues I'll be one of the herd. Seems to have worked, the scale said 157 this am. I am really tired. I gave myself a B12 shot at the first of the month. I was hoping to be better by now. We went to Branson this weekend, I was in bed asleep by 8:15 last night. Felt good.
My mind wants to be so negative about this new committment. It remembers how many times I have committed myself and failed. Well, I have the tool, I must use it. It is not gone! I will remain positive. I am doing this, I am living this lifestyle. How can I expect my patients to make these changes, if I haven't! I will get to 140 pounds. Love me DW
10/11/05
Well, aren't we blessed, an update 2 days in a row. Drew stayed the night at his papa's house last night. I got my nails done and just relaxed for the afternoon. It was a beautiful evening so I opened the front door to find a paper from the local police department stating that there had been a complaint about my dogs barking from a neighbor. This neighbor just moved in and he is a real jackass. He wants me to know how sick he is and how he needs his sleep. Well, boo hoo, jerk. Don't we all. Drew needs those dogs. They help keep him sane. They are something he can be responsible for. This man has been to my house twice to complain. The first time I gave the dogs chew toys to keep them busy at night. The second time I replaced the bulbs in my motion lights and put up a small privacy fence as the dogs bark when they see someone go by on the street. The thought process was, can't see don't bark. Well, the barking as decreased alot. He apparently went to the police yesterday saying he was retired and didn't have to get up in the morning and wanted something done. Well, I went and got the sonic bark collars (not the shock kind) and didn't hear a peep out of them all morning. I called the police to let them know what had been done and to find out what happens if he complains again (how would they prove whose dogs they were since mine are not the only barking dogs in the neighborhood). The officer said she would document the call and they would investigate it from there but that this guy was just a grumpy old man. I left him a note yesterday that he is to never set foot on my property again and that I think he is an evil neighbor to put a child's psychological health at risk. I think Drew would have a break down without his dogs. He still cries over a cat that ran away like 4 years ago. I got VERY angry about this issue, wishing death and hell to this man (remarkable as I do not believe in hell), I knew that I would not sleep last night, being so angry, so I had a glass of wine to relax. It helped quite a bit, but I could not drag myself out of bed at 5am to do Tae Bo or anything else. I did get up, dress and take Drew to his nina's house (I went by the stupid neighbor's house and the note was still in the door, but he was home. I wanted to honk the horn sooooo bad; it was 6:15am; but I didn't). Anyway, I am doing well with the water today, already had about 52 ounces and it is only lunch time. I walked to Collier's drug store and back at break time. Felt good to move since I skipped Tae Bo. I was starving an hour ago so I went and hold on to your seat, got an arsaga's cranberry almond muffin with about a thousand calories. Sometimes I just can't believe what I talk myself into. Only ate half, trying to get myself to through the other half away. I did find out that if I don't drink with meals I stay full longer. Isn't that amazing. Last night I had chili mac. It was great. Ate with no drink with or for 30" after and I was full all night. I am normally a night eater, but I couldn't even eat the sugar free pudding for dessert. Too full. WOW. So that's my story for today.
My weight stayed at 157 this morning, who know what it will be after the stupid muffin. Still haven't gotten it in the trash, Ok, I did it, It's in the trash and it's touching other gross trash, so not getting out the bag and it still being good (oh like you've never done it!).
TTFN, Dawna
10/12/05
Three days in a row. Wow. No exercise again this morning. Don't know where the energy came from monday, but it has left the building.
I am leading the support group this evening. It is going to be on exercise. Maybe I can get motivated by the 1 or 2 people that might show up. We'll see.
Weight 158 today (I know stay off the scale dummy). Well, I went snack crazy. Didn't listen to my own advice and drank with my meal. Ate a peice of pizza, 2 bags of the 100 cal snacks, and a bag of kettle corn. I did have a protein shake before bed. I know I am getting plenty of protein and water. Gotta work on exercise and cutting the crap out of the diet.
The dogs have not ben barking with the ultrasonic collars. I am glad. I hope that jerk complains again so I will get the chance to rub his face in the fact that he is a stupid idiot!
TTFN Dawna
10/13/05
Well, I am still alive, still very, very sad.
For my B-day she gave me 2 tickets to the auburn game and 2 tickets in Nov to some game (can't remember). Well I asked a girl I work with here to go. She is going. I am happy because I probably would not have gone alone and Drew is with his dad this weekend. He'll be home for the next game. He'll probably hate it.
Yesterday, I ate 1 pizza lean pocket, 1 sugar free pudding, 1 packet of cheese its, 1 protein bar and 1 protein shake. Didn't exercise at all. Had close to 100 oz of water (if not more). Today I haven't eaten yet, but I have had 72 oz of water and walked 1 mile at a brisk pace. It felt good, may do it again this afternoon. My weight was 157 again this morning. I am not hungry with all this emotional stress going on. Trying to keep up my protein and water, as I know I won't lose if I just quit eating.
Dogs are still not barking. What a blessing. Enjoying the peace. I don't know how they feel about it, but they seem happy.
TTFN Dawna
10/14/05
Another day, is that an update everyday this week? It's certainly been a week hasn't it? I am still sad. Talked to Cheryl today. She still seems to be deep down in depression. She needs some help. I encouraged her to seek counseling (out of love, of course!). She said she's thinking about it. I may need some counseling too. We'll see.
On to other things. Water intake great. 52 ounces already, along with 29 grams of protein already. I also walked a mile. Felt great. I have not had a great app. since Wed. I plan on still getting my protein at least. Yesterday I did 100 crunches and 50 pushup during the evening. Pretty proud of myself. I will continue to stay healthy. Just because I have no appetite, I will not ruin my metabolism as I have in the past (but in the past I would have eaten my way through this, never "lost my appetite" in response to stress in my life, I like this better).
TTFN Dawna
PS she asked if I was going to the game tomorrow. I said yeah I am going with Ann. She said good, since I didn't do anything for your B-day, I am glad you are going to have fun. I am glad she didn't want to go, would have hurt to tell her no.
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10/17/05
I've been messing with this profile, trying to add more future updates, but I am just computer stupid, oh well, may just run out of those and keep adding to the bottom.
This weekend was nice, we got spanked by Auburn. The first half was pretty good. Then all down hill.
I walked a mile or so today. It felt good. I did Richard Simmons this weekend. Talk about "Sweatin'" to the oldies, oh yeah. That felt good. Scale said 155 today. I told myself I was going to quit weighing everyday. Didn't take today, maybe tomorrow. I am not eating well (depression) but I am keeping up my protein and water intake, but calories are probably under 1000. Maybe some good will come from this. We'll see.
I go see Dr. Taylor this afternoon. Can't hurt, maybe he will help me out. We'll see.
I love me Dawna
Just back from consult with Dr. Taylor (plastics). He offered to do an abdominoplasty for me at a great price. He related that with the laxity of my upper abdmomen, I might require an additional surgery with an incision hidden under my breasts to to pull the skin up. I guess he doesn't do the anchor incision. I was shown a photo of a pt that had similar redundant skin as I do, that looked great post op. I can get a second job and work every other weekend for a while and save up. I think it would take about 6 months to put away that kind of money, and then I have to figure when I can take off work for 2 weeks for recovery. I can actually do this, the cost is not out of my ball field. I just have to remember that God is my source. He will provide. Thank you God for this knowing. TTFN
10/18/05
Well, what to say about today? Went for my walk. Wanted to get up and do Richard Simmons but forgot to reset the clock. I ate an extra slice of pizza last night and needed to work it off. I am too tired to work out at night, though I do crunches and pushups to build up muscle as muscle burns more calories than fat.
Something that Dr. Taylor said yesterday really hit a button wtih me. He picked up my pannus and said we need to take off all this redundant skin. He called it skin, not fat. I look at it and see fat! Nasty, ugly, gross, wrinkly fat! It isn't fat, it is skin. I can't do anything but have the skin removed, can't tone it, etc. So I need to quit beating myself up for still being fat. I am not fat. I am a great size. I would love to weigh 130 and be a size 6-8 but it isn't going to happen without a tummy tuck, so I just need to be nice to myself. Keep my eating under control and stay healthy.
I talked to Cheryl a couple of times today. I really miss her. I am having a garage sale a week from Sat. Fund raising for my tummy tuck. I'm going to make a ton of money!
I got called "cute" today. And told that I was "hot". Funny, I just do not believe it. I will be though, don't worry!
TTFN Dawna
10/19/05
Guess what I did this morning (after I weighed 155)Any Ideas? Richard Simmons! I don't know. The alarm went off this morning and I actually picked it up and reset it for 6am, no way was I going to exercise, not going to happen. Well, then I had a long talk with myself and after 15 min actually got up, shut off the alarm and went to Richard. I did some sweatin' at 5am. That (for those of you who don't know me) is unheard of. I want to be in bed until the last possible minute. I don't know what happened today but I am grateful. Have to keep it up! Good for me! I also had 32 ounces of water before 6:30. I have since had my protein bar and am starting on my water again.
I went to Wal*Mart today and purchased some make up. Just some eye shadow and mascara. I decided I wanted to feel kind of girly.
I am going to pick up my application for the part time job today. There is a nursing agency in Springdale that is hiring RN's for $25 to $30 and hour. We'll see if all my shifts get cancelled. It would be a great way to bring home some extra money for the tummy tuck. I think that after the tummy tuck I will get a tatto on my low back, I think it looks sexy. We'll see.
TTFN Dawna
10/20/05 Thursday
Well, here I am again. Working hard. I have had all the water I need for the day, along with a diet coke (second of the week). I did Richard this morning but I did sweating to the oldies one which I know by heart because I did it a lottttt when I was a teenager, I didn't work out hard enough. I haven't walked yet today, it has looked like rain all morning, just been waiting for the clouds to open. If it is nice this pm, I'll go ahead and go. Helps pass the time. I want to get it over with before survivor tonight (yes I am a TV junky). When I weighed this am, it said 154 (I think). I am feeling healthier since I have started concentrating on me and my nutrition. I feel in control. It's amazing what has to go down to bring you back to you.
10/21/05 Friday
TGIF
I haven't been so glad for a friday in a long time. I am tired. I went to bed just after 8 last night. Slept all night and was still too tired to work out this am. I haven't walked today either because it is yucky out (cold and dreary). I have gotten all my water in . I made a discovery. I don't think its the actual intake of water that is healthy. It is the increased exercise running to the bathroom 80 times a day that is healthy.
Weight this am 154 (still down 6 pounds). I'm pretty satisfied with it. I have been hungry all day. I guess it's catching up with me. I want to eat. I am resisting. I want to get to 145 and stay there before my tummy tuck. I still haven't picked up the application for part time work. Will get there. Gotta get that cash earned so I can take off and get to looking as good as I feel. TTFN DW ![]()
10/24/05
So please imagine my surprise when I weighed yesterday morning and my weight was 150. I did not believe it. I was excited yes, but thought, just a normal dip, will be back up tomorrow. Then I did ol' Richard for a while. Ate well. Went to the mall and wal*mart. Got lots of crap (new PJ's that I adore, flannel and pink my two favorites!). Anyway, I decided I would not weigh until next Sunday. This morning I jumped right on the scale, first thing (so much for vows right!) Imagine my surprise again at seeing 150. I was very happy. It made me very happy I dragged my but out of bed to exercise. I reallllllllllly didn't want to, but I DID it! I'm proud of myself. Can't say as I've said that about myself very often. I am so glad that even this far out I can apply the rules and the weight will come off. Not as easily as fresh post op but if I am diligent, I am successful. Thank you God for the power that is indwelling.
TTFN Dawna
10/26/05
Missed a day, but did journal at home. Yesterday, I had to take Drew to the doctor for the rectal prolapse. Everything is ok. Just have to stay on the Miralax for a month and see how it goes.
I are like a pig yesterday. I have been so HUNGRY the last couple of days. It's getting rediculous. I don't know if it's my period coming or what, but my body wants food. Nearly as soon as I'm done eating, I'm hungry again. That doesn't sound right does it? I wonder if my stoma is stretched? I still get full on less food and I'm not drinking with my meals, I'm just not staying full. Surely its the period. I also stepped on the scale to see 151 (149.5 yesterday) I know I need to just get on it once a week and maybe that will teach me! I know I didn't gain but... I was too tired and lazy to work out this morning. It's too cold to walk. Maybe this afternoon. We'll see.
Thats all for now TTFN DW
Update 3:50 pm: Announcement: DAWNA HAS LOST HER MIND!!!!!
I don't know if its the stupid period or what but I haven't stopped eating this afternoon. Since my lunch at 11 (pork stir fry supposedly 100 cal and 34 gm protein) I have had a fruit and cottage chees plate, 1 serving (2 bars) granola bar and a 2 pack of reses peanut butter cups. I am sick! What is wrong with me, I know what to do, but feel drawn to have that crap today. I know that if I hadn't finally given in to it, I would have eaten everything and everybody that crossed my path until I got the PB cups. Its a sickness! At least I did take my walk this afternoon. Maybe tonight will only get better, now that I have hit rock bottom. I am going straight to wal*mart to purchase a new, digital scale so I can know exactly to the letter how much I weigh everyday and get back on the wagon! I can do it. I am back on track as of this minute (well after I finish this diet coke, first of the week I might add). TTFN again.
10/27/05
I think I found my mind again. It was there just hiding. For dinner I had 1 3/4 beef fajita. I had a protein bar for my hs snack. I didn't deserve a snack, but a smack. Oh well. I bought a new scale yesterday. It weighs you and then supposedly measures body fat and water %. Don't know if I believe it, but this morning it said I weight 149.2. I'd say my old scale was pretty much on target. I can just actually read this one. Anyway, under 150. I plan on staying there. Just gotta keep this hunger monster under wraps. Started out today with Richard. I didn't even hate it today. I also have had 60 ounces of water, 12 ounces of hot tea and a fruit and yogurt plate for breakfast (forgot the protein bar, so already deficient) for a snack later, I may have a protein drink, got some new samples yesterday. I am also planning on doing my walk again today. It really feels good to get active during the day. TTFN DW
10/28/05
Wt today 149.4 (not so bad considering the yummmmmmmy cake of yesterday!) I did not exercise this morning. I just couldn't pry myself out of bed. I have had (it's 9:20 am) a protein bar and an english muffin with bacon. I needed a snack. I have had 52 ounces of water. I may exercise after Drew's counseling appointment. I also think I'll try to get my nails done today. I found out where the new club is. I think I am going to go tonight. It's on the square. It'll be nice to just go and check it out. Maybe dance. We'll see what it feels like. I may need some new jeans to wear!
I think I am going to get serious and do my Christmas shopping this weekend. I want to get my Mom something really nice. I already bought Cheryl's. So just my parents, Drew, Ann, and a couple of little gifts for friends. I'm excited that this year I have the money. TTFN Dawna
10/31/05
Happy Halloween!!!
I lost my mind again this weekend. I ate all the crap that was possible to fit in my mouth! Only good thing I can say is that I did jog for 20 minutes on Sun and on Sat I did Tae Bo. My scale had the audacity to say 150.4 I know my period will be here any day now (it came on the 3rd of Oct) Maybe I'll get myself under some kind of control today. So far I've had a protein bar and 52 ounces of water. I brought my lunch today, ham sandwich, and sugar free pudding. I'm going to add a small salad. I did richard this morning. Felt good. I also gave myself a B12 shot, man it hurt! I will be taking Drew trick or treating tonight rain or shine, so more exercise at least! My scale said 148.4 on Sat. Hopefully, I'll be going in the right direction soon.
I did get myself some new jeans. I really like the way I look in Levi's but I don't like the way women's fit. So I bought men's size 32x30. I look pretty good. Well I ended up not going to the club Fri. I went Sat but it was wayyyyy to early. Nothing going on. I had a nice dinner at hugos. I did get some christmas shopping done. It feels good. Last year I waited until the last min and wasn't able to get what I wanted as everything was sold out. This year I'm avoiding that. Well off to lunch. TTFN Dawna
11/1/05
Who came up with trick or treating anyway. I really don't like you. Candy! Who knew pure evil could be wrapped so sweetly! Oh well today is a new day right? Yeah a tootsie roll wrapped day! Well now is the time to get back on the wagon!
Lets see, the scale said 150.2 (wish I would start my period already!) I did richard this morning, didn't want to but got into it by the middle. Then I forgot my protein bar. I stopped at of all places *Chick Fil A* I did hold myself to a 3 pack of chicken mini's and only ate the bread on 2 and no drink, but still fried chicken for breakfast Dawna come on!!!! Then at about 9:30 Hungry, down for a fruit and cottage cheese plate. I have gotten in 52 ounces of water today. I am going for a walk in a minute. No more Candy! Just stay back! I mean it!
TTFN Dawna
11/3/05
Well, I just don't seem to get it together. My period finally did come at the cost of binging on crap (candy and sunflower seeds) to the tune of Weight *drum roll please* 153.4 What the hell is wrong with me. Everyday, I promise to pull myself together and get on with it and everyday I do ok until I get home and the eating machine comes out. Well, not today. And yet I had a sausage biscuit and 3/4 of a petit fore before I came to and threw it in the garbage.
I am sooooo tired. Last night I took 2 ultracets and a valium with the intent of getting a good nights sleep as I didn't the night before. Well last night was terrible. Tossed and turned. Sleep is never like that for me. I generally sleep like an angel. What is up? It needs to solve itself because I am exhausted. It could have been the caffeine and sugar that I had been avoiding that I partook in the past few nights. I'll cut that out and see if it helps (also getting some benadryl, that should help).
TTFN Dawna
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11/7/05
Well, my bad eating followed me alllllll weekend long, today, back on the eating wagon (skipped the exercise wagon this morning, but I did at least get a walk in). My weight is 153. I went to a club saturday night and danced off many calories. It was an interesting time, left feeling very sad (being surrounded by so many apparently happy couples when I am decidedly an unhappy single person)
I am still very sad. I don't know how to get over it. I don't want to get over it. I want to get back into it. I want my relationship back NOW *pouting and stomping feet* but as I tell my 9 year old "you don't always get what you want". What a stupid peice of wisdom. I want to get what I want! *still pouting*
I got a precious new kitten. Her name is bootsie. My older cat has unleashed the demon on us. She is so mad she can't even speak except to yell cat explectives in cat language and hiss. It is not pretty. Not unexpected, just not pretty. My new kitty doesn't give her a second thought. My 9 year old is afraid of her. She can yell pretty loudly when unhappy.
Well, ramble over, TTFN DW
11/8/05
Tuesday, Insomnia Sucks! Last night I decided to skip the benadryl (I thought the insomnia might have been related to my period) guess what, very little sleep! I just could not drag myself out of bed to exercise. Was not happening. Barely got up to go to work!! I did go for a walk at break time. I am sooooo tired. The kitten is sleeping, Drew is sleeping, just not me.
My weight this morning, can you guess? *153* AGAIN! Oh well, what can I expect fail to exercise, don't lose weight! I'll figure it out soon.
TTFN DW
11/9/05
Today should have been a great day. Wt *drum roll please* 151.8
but NOOOOOOO. I lost my mind. Still looking for it, if you see it send it my way! Ann, so lovingly reminded me that I just confessed to being off my antidepressants. It just wasn't doing anything for me. I should try something else but then I'd have to see my yucky doctor. I need to cope with this but it is not going away. It is worse today than the day she broke up with me. I need to be loved, but it is more than that, I need to be loved by her!
Still no exercise, too tired. I'm not sleeping without the benadryl and I'm sleeping to heavy to get up early with the benadry. quite a quandry. Oh well.
My eating was actually under control yesterday and today. I am really satisfied with myself on this aspect of WLS. If only it was like this everyday. Each day is a decision. I have to challenge myself to make good decisions each day. I can do it. 140 here I come!
TTFN Dawna
11/11/05 Friday Weight 150.4
Did a little happy dance about my weight this morning (that was all the exercise I was willing to do, darn benadryl hangover). Anyway I made a poor choice for breakfast, chick fil a, left my protein bar at home. I made myself pay though, don't you worry. I made myself jog my normal walk. I was pretty pleased with how I did (meaning I lived!)
Do you think it is possible to grow taller after weight loss. When I measured how tall I was before surgery, I was almost 5'1". Before surgery, it is important to be as short as possible so your BMI is as high as possible. Now it is important to mention here I did not lie about my height at that time. Well, today I got to wondering and re-measured myself it it showed 5'3". Do you think losing 140 pounds could have added inches. I like to think so as that brings my BMI dangerously close to normal and my goal weight(normal BMI) within my clutches. It's so funny, as this does not change my weight at all but I feel sooooo much better about myself.
TTFN Dawna
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11/14/05 Monday, weight 153.2
I knew Friday's weight was too good to last. Especially with exercise, etc. But I've been back on the wagon for a couple of days now. We'll see if it keeps up. Something I just realized (sometimes I can be so blind) is that even though I am not necessarily losing pounds, I am getting "leaner". My clothes fit better. I went to Christopher Banks (by the way I am never shopping anywhere else again) and I put on a pair of pants, non stretch, Size *8*. Single digit. Did you hear me shout? An *8*. Oh my! Well then I went to a consignment shop in my town (I know I just said I was shopping nowhere but CB, but they're expensive) Anyway, I got a pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans in a Size *10* (they run small) and I can breathe when I wear them, I can even squat down and button them while standing up. They were, drum roll please only *15* dollars. Oh yeah! So anyway, I think the exercise has helped even if the pounds are not falling off.
Yesterday and today I jogged a full mile without stopping. I'm pretty proud of that, and it only took 15 minutes. I may either walk it at a fast pace, or jog farther b/c I know I need to keep my heart rate up for longer than that, but it just feels like such an accomplishment.
TTFN Dawna
11/22/05 Tuesday 147.8
I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated. I'm hopeful that weight is not a fluke. I have been below 150 for the last 2 days. I started an actual food journal. I really like it. It is very detailed. I also investigated calorie counting. It turns out to lose a pound a week I need to eat about 1100 calories a day. I was well above that, I know. I feel hungry during the day on 1100 calories. I just have to adjust to this intake. I feel much more in control with my journal at my side. I write everything. If I don't want to write it down, I don't eat it. I started calorie counting at 156 pounds. I feel proud of what I have accomplished. Sun and today I jogged 1 1/2 miles without stopping. I plan on thurs and sat too. I read the biggest loser book and he rec. cardio workouts 3-4 times a week for the first 4 weeks (increasing length and intensity each week) and then add strength training. I feel like if I can increase my endurance I will be well on the road. The people on the biggest loser have inspired me. If they can run 3 miles, 5 miles, 10 miles then so can I. But they didn't do it on their first day out and neither will I, but I can work up to it. I haven't felt this in control in a long time (maybe ever). Thanksgiving is Thursday. Sherry invited me to eat with her family (my ex-husband's mother). I'm going to go. I am making little cheese cake cups. I'm excited. I am planning on watching my intake but going a little overboard and then get right back on the horse! If I plan on it, then no guilt!
My sweet little bootsie ran away. Cheryl came over to take a hot shower as her hot water heater was out. When I came home from picking up Drew, she was gone and so was bootsie. She said she didn't see her get out. I was so upset, but not near as upset as Drew. He was hysterical. He was still crying 3 days later. We adopted a new kitten yesterday, Shelby. Fuzzball had settled right down with no little kitty around for a few days, but....the demon is back! Shelby is really cute. Drew has taken to her quickly. He rarely mentions bootise.
11/28/05 Weight: 144 (WOW)
I just cannot believe. Over 2 years later, I put my mind and tool to work and I lose weight over Thanksgiving. I love my food journal. I keeps me honest. I have been jogging nearly everyday. Not this morning (too cold and windy). I'm going to have to come up with another option. I can't quit exercising just because it is cold! I went to walmart the day before Thanksgiving. I decided I was going to try on some new jeans. My size 32 levi's were feeling big. First I went to Target and tried on size 8 stretch Levi's. I got them on and buttoned but low rise jeans don't work with extra skin they looked terrible. Then I went to walmart. I got some Lee jeans size 8 stretch and non-stretch. Both normal fit. I tried on the stretch first figuring if I couldn't get them on then I knew the non-stretch wouldn't work. Well they fit with room to spare. I tried on the non-stretch and they fit great. I LOVE it!! I bought them even though I probably didn't need any new jeans. My goal has always been to be in jeans that were a single digit! I am ecstatic!
TTFN Dawna
11/29/05 Tuesday Weight: (I may never step on the scale again) 143.8
I'm afraid it was a fluke. I will keep up my program. I have to be extra vigilant as I am going on vacation over Christmas and I cannot go overboard. I know I will some so I have to be very good up until the last minute. I did richard simmons first thing this morning. It was too cold and windy to go jogging. I washed my size *8* jeans and dried them. I put them up thinking "no way will they fit right out of the dryer". I worked up my courage to pull them up this morning and they still fit. My goodness, it is just too much for me to believe. I am so happy and in control right now. I haven't cried in a long time. Last night I ate 5 no sugar added cookies (500 calories). I will not do that again (especially since they are all gone). That is my and has always been my problem, I want to eat something until it is all gone. I am giving that up. Next time I make cookies. I will bag them in 2 cookie bags and freeze them. I will only thaw one bag at a time. Maybe that will work! I am getting dangerously close to a normal BMI. I'm going to get there! A BMI of 24 weighs me in at 131. I can do it! 1 pound at a time!
TTFN Dawna
12/6/05 Tuesday Weight *148*
I went to the new PCP last Friday (as my old PCP turned out to be a quack). My new PCP was more than willing to do what I wanted, which was to change my antidepressant to Cymbalta. I thought the Wellbutrin was not doing enough. Well to change over, I have to be off the Wellbutrin for 5 days. Since I have been off (Sat) my eating has been out of control. It's like I lost my food barrier. It was doing something to help me be in control of my eating. Not even my food journal is working. I wanted to say it was my period, but the eating started after my period was over. Now I know the Wellbutrin was doing something. I just hope the Cymbalta will do as well or better for me. I want to be back in control and not depressed. I can get there. I am going to start taking the new med tomorrow (a day early). We'll see how it goes. One of the side effects listed was weight loss. That should be helpful.
I am leaving for vacation 2 weeks from today. I am so excited. I cannot wait to go see my parents. I haven't spent a holiday with them in like 8 years. It will be great. We will also get to see my grandmother. She is having a hard time since my grandfather died. It will be a nice distraction for her I think. Only down point is we have to drive. It's 12 hours. That sucks. Then you have to HOPE for good weather. I am forcasting clear skies for the week surrounding Christmas for all the folks between arkansas and east Tennessee! Sorry for anyone that bothers! Enough for now, Dawna
Wed 12/7/05 Weight *148.8*
Well, would you look at that weight. That upward trend stops today. I started the Cymbalta today. It is 2:30pm and I have had 300 calories today. Talk about nausea! Yuck! I've been sick most of the day. I've had quite the headache too. I know the nausea is related to the medication, but I think the headache is just me. I am going to keep going though because this has got to work. This depression is just wearing me out. I am so tired, for NO apparent reason. If I could, I would curl up in a ball under the covers right now and never come out. People that know me, know that isn't me. I used to go somewhere all the time. I love the mall. Haven't been in a long time. I hate Wal*Mart, but that is the only place I go lately, and that's just because we must have groceries. I am really looking forward to vacation. I hope I am better by then because I know my mom will have lots of plans that include Dollywood and the Dixie Stampede. We will also have time to ourselves that I will need to fill. I don't want to be a big ole stick in the mud! We are supposed to go to SDC this weekend. I hope the roads are ok. We will go to church on Sunday as it is Trish's last service. Should be very interesting. I've got to figure out when I will pack the car for vacation. Probably Monday night, as I plan on us leaving tuesday after school. Cheryl's coming over tonight for a B12 shot. I am making shrimp for dinner. Should make for a nice evening. I think she is going to try to bring annaleigha and go to SDC with us this weekend. We'll see. enough for now, Dawna
4/19/05
Time to update again. I don't know if this new job was a good idea. I love the idea of working with new patients. It's just that now all I focus on is bariatrics. Its all I think about all the time. I never get away from it. I think about food and what I should eat, what am I supposed to eat, when should I drink, how much should I drink. I would like to just be normal. I know that after this surgery I will never just be normal, but I used to just think about food at meal times. I did not worry if I broke a rule once in a while. Now I find that I stay focused on my short comings often. I used to just get over it, promise not to do it again and go on. Now I just stay focused on these things all the time and it sucks.
My weight is hovering at about 149. I would like to lose another 17 pounds. That would make my BMI 24.9 which is normal. I joined Curves in March. I really like it but I am finding that just like always I am making excuses not to go. I didn't work out at all last week. This week will be better. I am determined. That 17 pounds is not just going to fall off. I am almost 2 years out. It it time to take the bull by the horns and start working for it.
5/12/05
Well I am feeling better about my job but worse about my eating. I feel like I focus on it all the time. It's on my mind all the time and that sucks. I want to be a "normal" person. Normal sized people can go get a candy bar and eat it without a huge personal struggle going on IE "you are a bad person, look you can't control yourself, you are going to get fat again, just look at yourself". Why do I have to react like that. Why can't I be like everyone else. Do you want to know why Dawna? You are an addict. You are addicted to those stupid sweet things. Once you start you don't stop! You eat until you get to 280 pounds and have surgery. You had surgery to stop that monster and you must stay away from that crap because you can go back. I really enjoy being a size 10, doing what I want when I want because I want to. I don't have to plan my escape route right when I walk in a place. I don't have to worry about fitting in the bathroom, or if the toilet will come off the wall. I am a normal person. A normal person with an addiction. I wouldn't encourage alcohol on and alcoholic. I am a foodaholic. I read something really interesting today. Food is not going to disappear off the planet any time soon, I don't have to eat it all right now. How profound!
Back to my new job. It is going slow but sure. I am bound and determined to get this off the ground on time. I am excited to see a patient. I held the first weight loss support group (not bariatric) last night. I had 2 in attendance and one was my partner who is having surgery in 3+ weeks. I know that is what is missing. I need to attend a support group. I have not attended one since my surgery. My surgeon was about 1 1/2 hours away so it was not convienent. He has left with no forwarding address, so his support group is gone now. There is a volunteer led support group in Rogers. I should attend that one. I should do lots. I am committing myself here and now. I did not do this to turn back now. I will get myself in line, I will attend a support group, I will work my job with abandon, I will work out as I should. I will get excited about life and that is it! That is what it is all about. I am going to the ASBS conference in Florida at the end of June. I am going to meet lots of people (surgeons, coordinators, etc.) I am really excited. I will be "myself" before I go. I want to look my best when I go. I want to be tan and feel good about my swimsuit! I got a hair cut and I really like the way I look. I look closer to "30" than I have in the past. I hate being told I look like I'm "12".
This post is all over the page. I promise I am mentally stable just depressed! I will get on getting that treated too. Thats alot to get done. I will do it!
5/13/05
I sent in an e-mail this am for a profile spruce up. I'm kinda excited about it.
You know what else I am excited about? I did something about all that crap from yesterday! This morning I went to curves and worked out. It felt great to get back to it. I definitely think it will be better to go in mornings. I also walked from work to my drug store to pick up my son's RX. It is not right next door (if you're wondering.) I also made an appt with my PCP for depression. Time to restart the Wellbutrin (3rd times the charm right). My first PCP told me if I was on for a year and came off and did ok great, If I had to go back on stay on 2-3 years and try to get off, If I had to go on a third time, do it for life. Well I did a year and came off (unsuccessfully), went back on 2 years, came off for WLS (it was SR), and now I know I really need to be taking it. So lets see if all goes well.
5/16/05
Well I took a step today in following up on my previous updates and I actually feel good about it! I went to see my PCP about my depression. He put me on medication that has helped me in the past. I know I will be feeling my old self really soon. I did not bring my work out clothes today, but I am going to work out in the morning. I enjoy working out in the mornings more than the afternoons. I think I am on the right path. Today has gone well. The snacking monster has left me alone. I am greatful. I know I do much better when I am distracted and busy. I had a meeting this morning and just have stayed busy today. Thanks for everyone's support on this site. It has been a life send.
5/18/05
Doing well today. I worked out yesterday and today. Yesterday I made up all my workout calories with junk food. Today I have made the conscious decision to avoid that. They are installing a new computer system here this week. I have been booted out of my office which they refilled with people and junk food (free for all). Yesterday I said yes, today I say NO Way! I not only worked out today but I delivered some bariatric articles to one of my surgeons via foot transport. It's not that far but I could have driven. It felt good to make the healthy choice. If anyone ever reads this, Thank You.
6/3/05
Wow, doesn't my profile look great. I am so excited, thanks bobbisox! You Rock!!
Cheryl is having surgery wed, just 5 days away. I am more excited and scared for her than I was for myself! I know the outcome will be perfect!
I have sucked at working out. I worked out tues (after taking a week off). Afterward I went to the mall. After about 15 minutes my stomach started hurting (date 5/31). I kept walking, thinking it was gas, but it didn't go away. I went home and fed the dogs and cat and laid down. I thought if its worse in 30" I'm going to ER. Well 3 hours later (after waiting in the waiting room) I was called back. An hour later I saw an MD who said all your labs are ok. Your xrays are ok, so it is just abdominal pain of unknown origin. Here's an rx for pain meds, come back if it gets worse. The pain was on my left side, just under my ribs. It was really severe! It finally let up and I thought great. Well wed night (June 1) I was doing great, getting ready for bed, had just alid down when it hit like a ton of bricks! I really thought something was going to explode beneath my ribs. I couldn't sit, couldn't stand, couldn't lay down. I just paced. I finally laid down with a heating pad, took a tordal and it let up some, finally I passed out. Well yesterday I was on the look out but it didn't happen, thank God. Yesterday though my right shoulder hurt all afternoon. I really believe my gall bladder is trying to bully its way out of me. I wouldn't mind, but I'd like to wait for July. We'll see.
6/23/05
Well, It's been a while. As I write this I am pretty disgusted with myself. I am at my highest weight (that I know of) in the last 2 years. 153. How great is that? My goal weight is 140. I know I am kidding myself when I sa
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