debbie13
Fear
Jun 26, 2011
Right now I totally and absolutely want to drown myself in carbs and other not so good for me food. Why?
I'm scared. I am suposed to be going zip-lining (at http://www.adirondackextreme.com/) with my support group July 16 and I am so freaked out already, that I am not sure that I want to go. I went in October, had to be rescued less than halfway through the FIRST course but had a great time anyway. This time I am totally freaked before I even get there. I have had way too much time to think about it. I am afraid of heights and ladders and wobbly bridges and going down escalators and all that sort of stuff.
Last year I spent five days in DC. I conquered the fear of down escalators so that I could ride the trains. This fear has not come back to bite me. I can do escalators anywhere, any time. Thank you to the very nice woman that took a few minutes of her time on her way to work to help with that one. A total stranger. Helped me. I am forever greatful to her.
As for Adirondack Extreme? It is extreme. Swinging through trees, walking on nothing but logs suspended on wires wearing a harness. Wobbly bridges, see-saws, cargo nets, tight-ropes, etc. I am not a monkey. I am not Tarzan. I am not 10 yers old!
The people that I am going with are not only my support group, they are my friends. They understand my fears and helped me get through the beating up I did to myself about not completeing all five courses last time. Why the fuck am I so scared this time. All I want to do is get past where I got stuck last time. That's all. Five obstacles including the ladder to get up to the course. This should not be that hard. I did it once. I only need to go an additional 30 or so feet to get to a ladder to rescue myself.
I want to do this, but I have a feeling that within the next three weeks, I will talk myself out of it. And I prepaid. Required because we are a large group. My boyfriend is going and one of the people that went with me that first time will probably be there too. I've got support coming and going. I should not be this scared.
Oh well. Off to go deal with this with some healthy food.
0 comments
I'm scared. I am suposed to be going zip-lining (at http://www.adirondackextreme.com/) with my support group July 16 and I am so freaked out already, that I am not sure that I want to go. I went in October, had to be rescued less than halfway through the FIRST course but had a great time anyway. This time I am totally freaked before I even get there. I have had way too much time to think about it. I am afraid of heights and ladders and wobbly bridges and going down escalators and all that sort of stuff.
Last year I spent five days in DC. I conquered the fear of down escalators so that I could ride the trains. This fear has not come back to bite me. I can do escalators anywhere, any time. Thank you to the very nice woman that took a few minutes of her time on her way to work to help with that one. A total stranger. Helped me. I am forever greatful to her.
As for Adirondack Extreme? It is extreme. Swinging through trees, walking on nothing but logs suspended on wires wearing a harness. Wobbly bridges, see-saws, cargo nets, tight-ropes, etc. I am not a monkey. I am not Tarzan. I am not 10 yers old!
The people that I am going with are not only my support group, they are my friends. They understand my fears and helped me get through the beating up I did to myself about not completeing all five courses last time. Why the fuck am I so scared this time. All I want to do is get past where I got stuck last time. That's all. Five obstacles including the ladder to get up to the course. This should not be that hard. I did it once. I only need to go an additional 30 or so feet to get to a ladder to rescue myself.
I want to do this, but I have a feeling that within the next three weeks, I will talk myself out of it. And I prepaid. Required because we are a large group. My boyfriend is going and one of the people that went with me that first time will probably be there too. I've got support coming and going. I should not be this scared.
Oh well. Off to go deal with this with some healthy food.
Almost Derailed
Jun 23, 2011
Sitting here at Starbucks fooling around on the computer and realized I didn't post yesterday. I was in such a benadryl in duced fog I totally forgot. I also totally forgot what train I am on - the stay focused on better eating train.
I was doing some cleaning and came across a bag of candy cane kisses from Christmas. And we all know that candy in the freezer from Christmas is still good, right? Yeah it was. I ate three of them and then realized what I had done. Ugh. Was pissed at myself. Reached for another and went whoa........ what the heck you doing?
This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me in trouble. Mindless eating without THINKING! I stopped right there and asked myself "are they worth it?" The answer of course was, no they aren't. I tossed them. Put them in a bag and then scooped the litter box clumps on top. Extreme? Yes but effective. No way would I be tempted to go into the trash and get them. Gross, I know but........
This really could have been a major derailment. One carb leading to others. And more and more and more. Stopped the cycle right there. Three of those kisses was about 100 calories. My limit for a snack. So I counted it as a snack and moved on.
Today is much better. I planned a not so great snack and did not feel bad about it. I had a little of one of my favorite icecream treats. Breakfast was a yougurt smoothie, lunch was 100 calories of beef jerky and 100 calories of almonds. I feel very satisfied today. Something that doesn't happen often.
Tonight is support group followed by HulaFit. I am currently sitting in Starbucks waiting for the Meeting Before the Meeting to start. We gather before group just to talk and have a coffee. For me its iced decaf with milk. Not being one bit bothered by all the yummy stuff in the case.
On a great note - the scale moved a little. Onderland is getting closer, I can almost see it. I won't officially feel like I am there until the nighttime weight is also there. Seems I gain about four pounds during the day. At least that is gone in the am.
Feeling pretty good too. Poinson Ivy and ticks bites are my bain rightnow, hence the Benadryl.
Oooh, almos forgot, my application to become a support group leader has been accpeted and I start training next month. May have mentioned this before but I am really stoked about it. Looking forward to helping out my group.
Aaaah, one of my groupies has arrived! Time to chat.
Have a great day!
1 comment
I was doing some cleaning and came across a bag of candy cane kisses from Christmas. And we all know that candy in the freezer from Christmas is still good, right? Yeah it was. I ate three of them and then realized what I had done. Ugh. Was pissed at myself. Reached for another and went whoa........ what the heck you doing?
This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me in trouble. Mindless eating without THINKING! I stopped right there and asked myself "are they worth it?" The answer of course was, no they aren't. I tossed them. Put them in a bag and then scooped the litter box clumps on top. Extreme? Yes but effective. No way would I be tempted to go into the trash and get them. Gross, I know but........
This really could have been a major derailment. One carb leading to others. And more and more and more. Stopped the cycle right there. Three of those kisses was about 100 calories. My limit for a snack. So I counted it as a snack and moved on.
Today is much better. I planned a not so great snack and did not feel bad about it. I had a little of one of my favorite icecream treats. Breakfast was a yougurt smoothie, lunch was 100 calories of beef jerky and 100 calories of almonds. I feel very satisfied today. Something that doesn't happen often.
Tonight is support group followed by HulaFit. I am currently sitting in Starbucks waiting for the Meeting Before the Meeting to start. We gather before group just to talk and have a coffee. For me its iced decaf with milk. Not being one bit bothered by all the yummy stuff in the case.
On a great note - the scale moved a little. Onderland is getting closer, I can almost see it. I won't officially feel like I am there until the nighttime weight is also there. Seems I gain about four pounds during the day. At least that is gone in the am.
Feeling pretty good too. Poinson Ivy and ticks bites are my bain rightnow, hence the Benadryl.
Oooh, almos forgot, my application to become a support group leader has been accpeted and I start training next month. May have mentioned this before but I am really stoked about it. Looking forward to helping out my group.
Aaaah, one of my groupies has arrived! Time to chat.
Have a great day!
I WON!
Jun 20, 2011
At least I did today.
I work in a nursing home. Families frequently bring in goodies for the staff. Candy, cookies, cake, etc. Never fruit or something else healthy. Today I had to work on one of the units instead of doing my usual job of supervisor. And there in the nurse's office was a huge box of mini eclairs and a dozen cupcakes put together to look like a giant flower. Ugh.
I couldn't move them out of the office because some of the residents (patients) might get into them and that would not have been good on so many levels, so there they sat on the air conditioner staring at me. Calling out to me.
"EAT ME" said the cupcakes, "you know you love my chocolatey cake and light, fluffy, sugary frosting. You know you WANT me!"
"NO" said the eclairs, "EAT US! You know you can eat way more of us and not get sick." (you don't want to know how I know that, but it is fact, they were right, eclairs don't make me sick, frosting is a totally different story)
Ugh. This battle raged on most of the morning. I hadn't eaten a good breakfast, so I was kinda hungry. Big mistake. I need to eat a better breakfast so I can fight better. I broke down and had a small bite of a mini eclair. As I tossed the rest into the trash I could hear it screan, "NO don't do it, finish me!" I bagged the trash and took it to the garbage room.
I did eat a good lunch. Well, a good one for a nurse that has no time to eat and has had RNY, half an apple and 2oz of 75% fat free cheddar cheese while rushing around. I could hear the 'cake war' behind me. By now the cupcakes were down to three, but there were huges gobs of frosting (the best part, IMO) sitting there joining in. "You know you want me, grab a spoon and gobble me up" it said.
Well, this could really have a bad ending cause I knew the rest of the day I HAD to sit there. In the office. At the desk. The containers within arm's length. No going to see residents, it was all desk work for the rest of the afternoon. Could I do it? Could I win? Could I ignore the pleas to devour eclairs and frosting?
I almost did. There was one eclair left at 2:50 and I still had at least 20 minutes of work left. I split it with another nurse. I gave her a bigger half. I had something along the lines of a third.
I consider this a big win for me. I could easily have had a dozen or more of those eclairs over the course of my eight hour shift. To have eaten less than one?SUCCESS!! I beat my worst enemy. The carb monster. I reigned him in and kept him under control.
At least for today.
2 comments
I work in a nursing home. Families frequently bring in goodies for the staff. Candy, cookies, cake, etc. Never fruit or something else healthy. Today I had to work on one of the units instead of doing my usual job of supervisor. And there in the nurse's office was a huge box of mini eclairs and a dozen cupcakes put together to look like a giant flower. Ugh.
I couldn't move them out of the office because some of the residents (patients) might get into them and that would not have been good on so many levels, so there they sat on the air conditioner staring at me. Calling out to me.
"EAT ME" said the cupcakes, "you know you love my chocolatey cake and light, fluffy, sugary frosting. You know you WANT me!"
"NO" said the eclairs, "EAT US! You know you can eat way more of us and not get sick." (you don't want to know how I know that, but it is fact, they were right, eclairs don't make me sick, frosting is a totally different story)
Ugh. This battle raged on most of the morning. I hadn't eaten a good breakfast, so I was kinda hungry. Big mistake. I need to eat a better breakfast so I can fight better. I broke down and had a small bite of a mini eclair. As I tossed the rest into the trash I could hear it screan, "NO don't do it, finish me!" I bagged the trash and took it to the garbage room.
I did eat a good lunch. Well, a good one for a nurse that has no time to eat and has had RNY, half an apple and 2oz of 75% fat free cheddar cheese while rushing around. I could hear the 'cake war' behind me. By now the cupcakes were down to three, but there were huges gobs of frosting (the best part, IMO) sitting there joining in. "You know you want me, grab a spoon and gobble me up" it said.
Well, this could really have a bad ending cause I knew the rest of the day I HAD to sit there. In the office. At the desk. The containers within arm's length. No going to see residents, it was all desk work for the rest of the afternoon. Could I do it? Could I win? Could I ignore the pleas to devour eclairs and frosting?
I almost did. There was one eclair left at 2:50 and I still had at least 20 minutes of work left. I split it with another nurse. I gave her a bigger half. I had something along the lines of a third.
I consider this a big win for me. I could easily have had a dozen or more of those eclairs over the course of my eight hour shift. To have eaten less than one?SUCCESS!! I beat my worst enemy. The carb monster. I reigned him in and kept him under control.
At least for today.
Soul Searched
Jun 19, 2011
So, yesterday I tried the pig out method of dealing with my emotions and it didn't work. Well, it did in a way. It made me realize the mistake I was making and I dealt with it in a slightly different manner than I had intended.
I went home yesterday upset and nauseous but knowing there had to be a better way to deal with this. I sorta figured it out. Now to make it work. I am going to deal with the emotional pain of yesterday by redirecting it into exercising. Why waste the energy on something like craving food when I can do something for myself.
I had bought two exercise HulaHoops and had been using them at least once a week. I love the private HulaFit class that my support group goes to. I really could go on about it but I won't unless you ask (please ask!)
So today at work (a nursing home) the aides were doing the morning exercise group and I found myself bopping along to the music. And I thought dang, if my little old ladies and gentlemen can move to the likes of "We Will Rock You", "We Are Family", "The Macarena", "Mambo #5" and a couple of other songs like that, WHY CAN'T I?
Of course I can, I just was choosing not to. I asked if I could borrow the CD and I made myself a copy. It is great! I popped into the CD player in my car and found myself trying to dance as I was driving. PERFECT!! So uplifting and moving. Good thing I realized I was doing 80mph before the cops did. LOL!
I got home, left the CD running in the car and HulaHooped in the yard for the entire length of the music! 35 minutes of movement. My heart rate was up so I know I was burning calories.
Way better than food. Everything feels better today. I am on the road to getting through this. Love ya!
1 comment
I went home yesterday upset and nauseous but knowing there had to be a better way to deal with this. I sorta figured it out. Now to make it work. I am going to deal with the emotional pain of yesterday by redirecting it into exercising. Why waste the energy on something like craving food when I can do something for myself.
I had bought two exercise HulaHoops and had been using them at least once a week. I love the private HulaFit class that my support group goes to. I really could go on about it but I won't unless you ask (please ask!)
So today at work (a nursing home) the aides were doing the morning exercise group and I found myself bopping along to the music. And I thought dang, if my little old ladies and gentlemen can move to the likes of "We Will Rock You", "We Are Family", "The Macarena", "Mambo #5" and a couple of other songs like that, WHY CAN'T I?
Of course I can, I just was choosing not to. I asked if I could borrow the CD and I made myself a copy. It is great! I popped into the CD player in my car and found myself trying to dance as I was driving. PERFECT!! So uplifting and moving. Good thing I realized I was doing 80mph before the cops did. LOL!
I got home, left the CD running in the car and HulaHooped in the yard for the entire length of the music! 35 minutes of movement. My heart rate was up so I know I was burning calories.
Way better than food. Everything feels better today. I am on the road to getting through this. Love ya!
Emotional Eating
Jun 18, 2011
This topic has probably been beaten to death, but today I experienced it and I (for a change) recognized it for what it was -- an escape route. A way to hide. I didn't really need to eat, I just did it.
I was at the grocery store when I got news that really should not have affected me but it did. I can't go into details on what that news was for fear that others may read it and it won't go over well if I share it. Anyway, I could very easily have gone to the produce or dairy or deli and got something somewhat healthy, but no.
I GO TO FIVE GUYS!!! I order a small fries. If any of you have ever been there, you know a small fries there is enough to feed a family of eight. A small is huge. I think its like a half pound or more of greasy deliciousness. I know damn well I can't eat all of them if I tried (gotta
my RNY for that) but I was going to try anyway. Every blessed fry caused more tears. And I know why.
It wasn't the fries, it was what I was feeling. I needed to cry. I didn't need to hide behind the food. Food wasn't going to fix this. It never fixes feelings, it masks them. I needed to let go of what I was feeling, not feed it. I ate about ten of those fries before I realized this. I walked those fries over to the garbage can and tossed them one by one. Each fry brought more tears but this time I understood why I was crying and when I was done I felt a little better. A couple of people asked me if I was ok and I told them I was letting go and I would be fine. It may have looked wierd but it was true.
The pain in my heart is still there. I can't change that. But I let go of a great deal of it. It is manageable now. I will survive my pain. I am strong. Not necessarily invincible, but strong.
4 comments
I was at the grocery store when I got news that really should not have affected me but it did. I can't go into details on what that news was for fear that others may read it and it won't go over well if I share it. Anyway, I could very easily have gone to the produce or dairy or deli and got something somewhat healthy, but no.
I GO TO FIVE GUYS!!! I order a small fries. If any of you have ever been there, you know a small fries there is enough to feed a family of eight. A small is huge. I think its like a half pound or more of greasy deliciousness. I know damn well I can't eat all of them if I tried (gotta
my RNY for that) but I was going to try anyway. Every blessed fry caused more tears. And I know why.It wasn't the fries, it was what I was feeling. I needed to cry. I didn't need to hide behind the food. Food wasn't going to fix this. It never fixes feelings, it masks them. I needed to let go of what I was feeling, not feed it. I ate about ten of those fries before I realized this. I walked those fries over to the garbage can and tossed them one by one. Each fry brought more tears but this time I understood why I was crying and when I was done I felt a little better. A couple of people asked me if I was ok and I told them I was letting go and I would be fine. It may have looked wierd but it was true.
The pain in my heart is still there. I can't change that. But I let go of a great deal of it. It is manageable now. I will survive my pain. I am strong. Not necessarily invincible, but strong.
Grazing again!
Jun 12, 2011
If you have to hide what you are doing from someone, then you know in your heart what you are doing is wrong.
Someone posted that statement on their facebook wall and it hit me. It hit me hard. Right in the head, the heart and hopefully my mouth. Eating in secret has been one of my biggest problems. Before surgery and now after. I am finding myself grazing. In private. Bad foods. The old "if no one sees me eat it, it doesn't count" mentality has hit. I have been grazing on everything under the sun. You name it, it goes down and stays there.
I dont dump as much as I used to but I have learned what does is so I avoid that. Milk chocolate = dump, dark chocolate = no dump, so what do I eat? Yup, dark chocolate and lots of it. Easy to graze when it doesn't make you sick.
I purged out every scrap of not so good food from my desk, kitchen and bedroom. Yup, the bedroom. My night stand had become a repository of all things bad. I stocked up on all sorts of good foods, veggies, fruit and some healthier sweets like lo-fat, sugar free puddings, jello. None of which will be eaten in the bedroom or car. My two worst places for grazing.
Here's hoping that the grazing will end. It is a battle but I will win it. Grazing is for cows and I hope that I am not turning into one again.
0 comments
Someone posted that statement on their facebook wall and it hit me. It hit me hard. Right in the head, the heart and hopefully my mouth. Eating in secret has been one of my biggest problems. Before surgery and now after. I am finding myself grazing. In private. Bad foods. The old "if no one sees me eat it, it doesn't count" mentality has hit. I have been grazing on everything under the sun. You name it, it goes down and stays there.
I dont dump as much as I used to but I have learned what does is so I avoid that. Milk chocolate = dump, dark chocolate = no dump, so what do I eat? Yup, dark chocolate and lots of it. Easy to graze when it doesn't make you sick.
I purged out every scrap of not so good food from my desk, kitchen and bedroom. Yup, the bedroom. My night stand had become a repository of all things bad. I stocked up on all sorts of good foods, veggies, fruit and some healthier sweets like lo-fat, sugar free puddings, jello. None of which will be eaten in the bedroom or car. My two worst places for grazing.
Here's hoping that the grazing will end. It is a battle but I will win it. Grazing is for cows and I hope that I am not turning into one again.
About Me
Cossayuna, NY
Location
33.5
BMI
Surgery
03/30/2009
Surgery Date
Jan 29, 2009
Member Since
