More uneventful progress!

May 28, 2010

I am so thankful to be able to say that! At 8.5 mo. out and I still have had no problems....no nausea, no vomiting, Gertie the Little Belly (I hate the term pouch, make it sound like a construction belt!)...Gertie is a trooper and seems to like most everything. I CAN eat a few things but choose not to...scrambled eggs sit heavy, soft bread is just a lump and anything really icy cold is uncomfortable for a few minutes but that's getting better. I pretty much stay within my portion limits of 1/2 cup dense proteins, 3/4-1 cup soups and chili's. I can eat a whole Chik-fil-A salad if I take my time but lettuce chews to nothing so that's OK. I really am trying not to live on a 'diet' and stay away from a diet mentality. That's probably been the hardest adjustment I've had to make but I know I'm making progress because I really do prefer a good salad to a burger. Yes, I've had several foods I was craving....burgers, fries, fried gizzards...and truthfully, the memory of those foods are better than the reality! I doubt I'll be tempted with them again! I'm finding that's true of most of the fatty/greasy foods I used to crave. Have I truly made the lifestyle change or is it just that my body has been detoxed from those fats because I haven't had any in so long? Either way, I'll take it! A bigger challenge for me is the chips and salty/crunchy things. I can limit myself to just a few crackers with chicken salad, but then things start slowly creeping in...I find myself craving carbs and salty things so at least for right now I'm staying away from those kind of carbs. And almonds....they could really be a problem if I'm not careful! All-in-all I'm pleased with the mental changes I've made and the place I'm in right now.

The physical changes have been so surprising to me! As of this week I've lost 149lbs and am at 204lbs. I can see Onderland and am anxious to get there! I'm in foreign territory, I can't ever remember being this size in my adult life. Sad isn't it? 56 years old and can't remember weighing as little as 200lbs! Along with those 149lb, I've lost a total of 60 inches overall. That's almost as tall as I stand! I've gone from size 28/30 to 14/16. I recently bought a size 10 wetsuit...a 10!!!! All those numbers are impressive to me but the real proof is when I step out of the shower and see my Mother standing there! I've been told all my life how much I looked like her. She died at 52yo when I was 25 so my memories of her are of her younger than I am now. Would she have looked like me at this age? Probably. I also have her hands. As a seamstress and quilter I have the chance to look at my hands often as I work. At least once a day it suddenly hits me that I'm seeing Mother's hands...the shape of them, her fingernails, I even have some age spots in the same place she did!

When we start this journey we are advised by the vets to start taking pictures from the get go. Most of us have spent years developing a talent for avoiding cameras! For me it was to always be the one taking the photos, being behind the camera instead of in front of it. So I have very few photos of me before I started this journey, only a head and shoulder self pic taken with my cell phone. Luckily some of my friends shared a few they had taken....it's embarrassing but vital to have those shots. The one I use as my Before photo is actually just before my surgery, after losing 60lbs. But I'll get on the bandwagon and try to stress how important those embarrassing photos will be to you later. Having them to refer to, to compare to now, has been the only way to get my brain to admit my progress. Being able to compare my transition photos from month to month and from then to now has been invaluable in avoiding the Body Dysmorphic syndrome so many of us develop. I can look in the mirror and see how much I've changed. I no longer feel like I look fat because I can see the difference. Now, that's not to say I don't have my "I feel fat" days but to me that's just part of feeling normal. I have thin friends who have 'fat' days...isn't being 'normal' what we are all striving for?!?! But I can feel good about knowing I'm not the fattest person in the room and not always feeling that way whether it was true or not. It's hard to explain and I'm starting to babble! Anyway....it's been a great development for me to get to this mental point of my journey. I know I'm gonna make it!

I don't remember where I first saw this. It may have been on OH somewhere, or maybe from one of the many spam-my emails I get from well intentioned friends. But wherever it came from it really struck a cord with me. I wanted to add it here mostly so I wouldn't lose it along the way!

Dear God,
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart, and my life.  Remove the have nots, the cannots, and the do nots that I have in my mind.  Erase the will nots, the may nots, and the might nots that may find a home in my heart.  Release me from the could nots, would nots, and the should nots that obstruct my life.  And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart, and my life all of the am nots that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.  Amen.

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