Question from Martin: 

Background info: I am 32 years old and my partner Carol is also 32. We have been together for almost 3 years. At the time I met Carol, she was recovering from a failed relationship of 6 years which ended in legal proceedings over property (even though they weren’t married or had any children). Carol ended it with her previous partner although she felt a lot of guilt about not feeling right with her previous partner. Since then the legal proceedings has resolved and we were on /off during this time. We have been more stable this year as I moved into her place at the start of 2008. We have spoken about having children together and getting married and we would both love to do this.

Carol changed careers from Engineering to Teaching 3 years ago. She has a lot of stress surrounding work – there is a high workload, the other teachers can be ‘bitchy’ and Carol feels that there are a lot of menial tasks. She is unsure of her career direction. Carol tends to be quite critical of herself and others (including me!). She also can get anxious. Even though I think she’s beautiful, she doesn’t see herself that way. Carol was an only child and brought up by her mother. Her father was in and out of her life and did not have a large hand in being a responsible parent. He had affairs which led to their divorce. Carol’s mother is kind and caring however can be dominant. Carol looks to her mother often when she is not feeling great for emotional support.

My parents are from an ethnic background (Asian). They divorced 2 years ago. My mother can be a dominant Asian parent. Although they are both in my life, I feel a bit distant from them. My mother says she stayed together with my father for us ‘the kids’ and that she sacrificed her life for us. My father is not totally open and honest  with me. I have 1 older sister who lives overseas. We aren’t close. I am a Physical Therapist and my job is not as stressful as Carol’s.  I am happy in my work.

Current Dilemma:

Carol has said to me that she feels that we don’t connect and that she feels we might be ‘making a mistake’. She has also said that she doesn’t feel like we are still in love like how it’s described in songs and movies. She is regretful that we didn’t start our relationship/ meet when she was not ‘recovering from her previous relationship.’ Carol thinks there may be issues with our cross-cultural backgrounds and that it may be easier for her with an “Anglo” partner.

I feel that we are in love. I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I feel at peace when I am near Carol. I also feel anxious when I know that she is not feeling great. I know we still laugh together (although those times are less at the moment) and we definitely connect intellectually. Are we still in love? I am willing to work on improving our relationship but I feel the same pattern comes up with Carol wanting to break-up when things aren’t going well or if she is not happy. How can I break this pattern?

 
Answer:  Hi Martin. Thank you so much for your question, especially for your very clear and concise explanation and history. I am sorry for the pain you must be feeling now, it sounds like things are very confusing.

In reading about your current dilemma and Carol's history, my hunch is that she's trying to push you away to see if you will keep coming back to her. You wrote that her father was in/out of her life, so she may have a really hard time trusting a man to stay with her. I could be completely wrong, but typically, women who have been left by their fathers struggle profoundly with feeling secure in a relationship.

I'd recommend you sit down with Carol and talk about a couple of things:

First, in order to break the pattern you've noticed, try to identify the negative cycle that goes on in your relationship. I have created a handout for my clients to help them identify their cycles and you can access it here: http://www.drkathynickerson.com/HW_Couples_Wk2.doc.

Then talk about the things she tells you and how these statements make you feel. You might say, "When you say it doesn’t feel like we are still in love like how it’s described in songs and movies, I feel defeated because I don't think that's what real love is like and I worry that unless I am constantly sweeping you off your feet, you will be disappointed in me." Then you could say something about what you'd like her to say instead and what you're really longing to hear from her.

Also, when she she is regretful about not recovering from her previous relationship, talk to her about what this really means. How would things have been different? What does she worry about? Also tell her how hearing such things makes you feel. Many guys would feel a bit hurt and hopeless upon hearing such things because it's not something they can do anything about.

You sound like you love Carol very much and I think the relationship can be much better. Understanding why she's pushing you away will be key, as will understanding the cycle you get caught in.

I hope this helps and please let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com
 

Question from Greg:  Our daughter got pregnant at age 18 and has been married now for 3 years. Maybe two months ago or something she went out with the girls late at night, just exploring. she says now she feels trapped, and missed out on the things that her age group had done, DUH!. She is now 21 and her husband is 27. He comes from a "super" religious upbringing and now completely ignores her. Our daughter has a beautiful son who is three years old and is a blessing. He does not want to talk to her, or anyone, and completely ignores her. She is very sad and she told us she feels now as she has a room mate and not a husband which she does not like. We told them this before they got married but you know how that goes. Now she is getting a better paying job and she is thinking about getting her own apartment with her son. I do not see why she has to move as this would be exactly what her husband would want.Why should my daughter move out and have to pay for her own apartment and pay for it too? BTW: This is Texas laws so I hope you are familiar with them as they are different than most states. Our Grandson is already on to this issue and it is effecting him also. My daughter asked her husband if he wanted to go back to counseling at the church, he did not answer her. They are both "trading water" so to speak and this is going now where. Is there anything as parents that we can or should do at this point, or just stay out of it. Kids know everything, don't you know this? :-). I have been married twice, been there done that. Now I am married to a "saint" for 27 years now. My wife and I had a roller coaster ride of a marriage, however things are better than ever. I am blessed to be married to her. Thank you so much for any advise you might have.
 
Answer:  Hi Greg. Thanks so much for your question. Wow, a lot has been going on and it sounds like it has been rough on all of you.

In answer to your question, I think there are a couple of things you can do.

The first is to ask your daughter what she wants, why she wants it, and how she imagines her life will be different if/when she moves out. As she talks, really listen. Pay careful attention to any unrealistic thinking or expectations.

Also, ask your daughter what her thoughts are about how this will impact her 3-year-old son. He is a little boy and if your daughter moves out, her son will not ever know what life is like to live with mom and dad in the same house.

That said, I don't necessarily think people who are unhappily married should "tough it out" just for the sake of the kids. If your daughter's marriage is hopelessly broken, then I'd prefer your grandson to see two people living happily on their own in peace, instead of two people unhappily living together and miserable. He will learn how to have a relationship by carefully observing the relationships of his closest family.

After having a heart-to-heart about what it would mean for your daughter, her husband, and their son if she moved out with the baby, I'd ask her what she has tried and is willing to try to repair the relationship. If she is open to counseling and he refuses, then there may be little she can do.

When couples come to me and they're trying to decide if they should stay together or divorce, I always tell them that I believe any relationship can be made better if both people want it to be better and are willing to work at it. If neither is willing to work at it and one/both of them doesn't want the relationship, it's really tough to make things better.

it's not clear, I will often provide them with the following list of questions when they think they might want a divorce:

Are the two of you fighting with one another over trivial matters?

Does just about everything about your spouse irritate/anger you?

Has your spouse physically or emotionally abused you? Are you afraid of your spouse?

Do you believe that your love, patience and hope have just all run out?

Can you communicate about anything or do you always end up in a disagreement? When you fight, do you fight fair? Do either of you bring up past hurts?

When was the last time you had fun together? When was the last time you felt sexually attracted to each other? Do you still make love?

Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again? Have you tried counseling? Can you accept that your personal unhappiness is your own responsibility?

Does your spouse constantly put you down, attack your self-esteem, and/or criticize you? Do you have any respect for your spouse? Does your spouse respect you?

Are you willing to co-parent the rearing of your children with your ex-spouse?

Are your goals and values different?

Can you compromise on important issues?

Has your spouse been unfaithful?

Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again?

Do you have dreams of divorce or that your spouse died?

Do you have a plan if you do divorce?

Are you able to cope with the financial and emotional stresses of divorce?

I hope this helps you and your family. I wish you all the best.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  okay...ill go straight to the point. here it is!
am in a relationship with a guy for like five months now. latly he keeps talking about his ex. saying that the one thing he regrets more in his life is that for being such a jerk that made him lose this girl he had back then. so this gives me the impression that he is still not over his ex and probably exist the possibility that any time his ex can take him away from me. or she cAN make a move that will drive him away from me. i love him very much!! more than much! i cant afford losing him! i dont want him to go. during this 5 months weve been together everyhting went well and still is... but just that he was talking about his ex and i saw this regret in his eyes, like if he could turn back time he would have! just to repair his mistakes .i think somehow the girl got fed up of him (cuz he was way too obssess with her)

so wat am i suppose to do?? should i keep quiet about this fear?? deep inside i have this fear that one day he'll return back to her! should i talk to him about it? is it okay to question him about whether he'll return back to her "his ex" if she asks him back.

and if i do, i know he'll see me as insecure and jealous. and according to research "insecurity and jealousy" is just a turn-off in relationships. he might see me differently. because i always demonstrate the independent act infront of him and while we're away too.he doesnt know what am goin through right now "this depression" he thinks am okay.

so what should i do about this fear?

 
Answer:  Hi Shelby. Thanks so much for your question. The feelings you have, this fear that you have, are VERY normal. Very few women would be comfortable with their boyfriends talking about how much they miss their ex-girlfriends.

I do think you should talk to him about how it makes you feel when he talks about getting back together with his ex. My hunch is that you feel very worried and nervous, not jealous, and this is normal. One of the things we need to be happy in a relationship is to know that our partner is there for us, through thick and thin, and that we can really count on that person. When he talks about missing his ex, I would bet it makes you feel like he could leave at a moment's notice or anytime. It would be impossible to feel good and happy in a relationship where you were constantly in fear about the other person leaving.

I'd like to think of yourself like a precious, amazing gift that he is LUCKY to have. If you start to think of yourself that way and act that way, so will he. Now don't go overboard and ask him to start kissing your toes, but do let him know that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

I'd also like you to think of a way you could talk to him about this situation. Perhaps you could say, "John, when you start talking about Sheila and you say ________________________, it makes me feel ______________________________. I want to feel safe, secure, and loved in our relationship, so I'd like to ask you to please stop talking about Sheila."

I hope this helps, please let me know how things go.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  Hello, I have a very near and dear friend who has helped me with a lot of problems in my life.  She recently asked me to help her.  She is married to a man in the Army and is currently living in Hawaii, this person is very, in my opinion, immature as well as emotionally and verbally abusive to her.  She now has her 13 year old daughter living with her and can no longer handle the situation.  Her husband has an addiction to porn as well so to those chat services or dating lines whatever they are.  She has proof of him cheating on her multiple times.  She also mentioned something recently but would not go into detail about there being things in the house now that make her feel unsafe for her and her child.  I do not have the means to fly out to Hawaii and help her move out to Texas where her brother lives so that she can get set up and on her own.  She does not have the finances for such and endeavor either, I was wondering if you knew or could point me in the direction of some sort of charity or government organization or something that would be able to help her get out of this situation.  Any help at all would be greatly appreciated!  Thank you for your time and answers.

-Jonathon
 
Answer:  Hi Jonathon. Thank you for your question and for the love and concern you have for your friend. I share you concerns and think she needs some immediate help.

Your friend sounds like she is in a very dangerous situation and needs professional help from a local domestic violence shelter. If you know her address or town, you can google "domestic violence shelter + (town name)". This should bring up a list of resources near her. You can call them and ask for further guidance, you can also give the list to your friend for help.

Here's a list of the shelters I could find:

Hawaii Domestic Violence Shelters:

Hawaii State Committee on Family Violence 2500 Pali Highway Honolulu, HI 96817 (808)595-3900

Alternatives to Violence - East Hawaii P.O. Box 10448 Hilo HI 96721 Business #: 808-969-7798

The Family Crisis Shelter, Inc. 193 Kenaole St., Suite 2 Hilo HI 96720 Business #: 808-959-9955

The Family Crisis Shelter, Inc. P.O. Box 612 Hilo HI 96721 Business #: 808-959-5825 Hotline/Crisis: 808-959-8400 Toll Free #: (808)322-7233

West Hawaii Family Crisis Shelter P.O. Box 384 Holualoa HI 96725 Business #: 808-322-2799 Hotline/Crisis: 808-322-7233

Child & Family Service Shelter for Abused Spouses 200 North Vineyard Blvd., Suite 20 Honolulu HI 96817 Business #: 808-847-4602 Hotline/Crisis: 808-841-0822

Developing Options to Violence 245 Kukui #206 Honolulu HI 96817 Business #: 808-532-5100

Domestic Violence Legal Hotline P.O. Box 3198 Honolulu HI 96801 Business #: 808-531-3771 Hotline/Crisis: 808-531-3771

Family Peace Center 401 Kamakee St. Fourth Floor Honolulu HI 96814 Business #: 808-596-0900

Joint Military Family Abuse Shelter P.O. Box 29217 Honolulu HI 96820 Business #: 808-533-7125 Hotline/Crisis: 808-533-7125

Parents and Children Together 938 E. Austin Lane Honolulu HI 96817 Business #: 808-847-411

Shelter for Abused Spouses & Children 200 North Vineyard Blvd., Bldg B Honolulu HI 96817 Business #: 808-521-2377 Hotline/Crisis: 808-841-0822

Victim/Witness Assistance Division Dept. of Prosecuting Attorney 1164 Bishop St., Suite 1009 Honolulu HI 96813 Business #: 808-523-4158

Alternatives to Violence P.O. Box 839 Kaunakakai HI 96748 Business #: 808-553-3202 Hotline/Crisis: 808-553-3202

Molokai Domestic Violence Shelter P.O. Box 839 Kaunakakai HI 96748 Business #: 808-567-6888

Alternatives to Violence - West Hawaii P.O. Box 182 Kealakekua HI 96750 Business #: 808-322-6090

Kauai YWCA Family Violence Shelter 3094 Elua Street Lihue HI 96766 Business #: 808-245-8404 Hotline/Crisis: 808-245-6362

Women Helping Women P.O. Box 760 Paia HI 96779 Business #: 808-579-8474 Hotline/Crisis: 808-579-9581

Alternatives to Violence P.O. Box 909 Wailuku HI 96793 Business #: 808-242-9559

I don't know of any organizations that will sponsor her flight back to the states, but if that is a possibility, I would hope the domestic violence shelters near her would know.

If you feel that your friend or her child are in danger, please report this to Hawaii police or ask the Hawaii Domestic Violence Shelter how to do this. If no one can help you make a report, please write back to me at drkathynickerson@yahoo.com with her name/address and I will make the report for you.

One final resource is a book from Dr. Jill Murray called Destructive Relationships. This would be a great read for your friend and may help her make some important changes.

I hope this helps.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  my girlfriend and i have been together for 5 years now. for the past three we have had a long distance relationship. me being in Michigan her being in Chicago. we see each other about  once every two months or so. we talk everyday on the phone. just recently she brought up the idea of taking a break. she feels that these are the times of our lives that we need to make sure that she is the one for me and me for her. i strongly disagree. i have already made up my mind and decided that i want to spend the rest of my life with this woman no matter what it takes. she asked me what i felt about this idea and i was speechless. i don't know what to think? i know she still loves me with all of her heart and i don't think it was something i did to force this, but i don't know what to do? i just know that i don't want anyone else. i don't know if i should just say o.k  because all i truly want is for her to be happy? and hope that she comes back? i just  don't know? if you need any clarification just let me know
 
Answer:  Hi Bryan. Thank you very much for your question. I am sorry the pain you're in now, it sounds like this is all very confusing.

It sounds like you are very certain about the relationship and that you remain very committed to the relationship. It also sounds like she's having some doubts and that these doubts may have nothing to do with anything you have done.

You wrote that she "feels that these are the times of our lives that we need to make sure that she is the one for me and me for her." This is an interesting statement: I wonder what she means when she says "times of our lives". Does she mean that this is the time you should be partying? experimenting? meeting other people? Then she goes on to say that you need to make sure she's the right one for you. In my mind, it sounds like you already know that she is the right one for you, so taking a break won't tell you anything new.

I am not a big fan of "breaks" in relationships because they often lead to hurt feelings and we have a very deep and profound need to know we're connected to our partner. Breaks usually break the relationship.

I am worried that she's saying she wants a break because she thinks this a kinder and gentler way to break off the relationship. I hope I am wrong Bryan, because it's clear how much you care for her, but  think you deserve and honest answer from her.

If you feel like she's sending you mixed messages, you might try saying, "I hear that you want a break and I would like you to help me understand why? How will taking a break strengthen our relationship? What will taking a break show us? Do you think any harm will come from taking a break?"

After listening to her thoughts, tell her how you feel about the break idea. If it hurts you and makes you uncomfortable, I think it's ok to say so. You deserve honesty from her and she should hear how this honestly feels to you.

I wish you all the best Bryan. Please let me know how your conversation goes.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  I am really in love with my girlfriend and I know she feels teh same way about me. We have been gf/bf for a year and 4 months and we have both noticed things haven't been the same lately so we decided to take a break. I find myself worried at the fact that the time of the break is indefinite and believeing that the break is to spend time apart how will I know when to contact her... Basically I am asking if I should comunicate with her during the break or if I should just not comunicate at all during the break...
 
Answer:  Hi John.

Thanks so much for your question. I can understand why this would be so confusing and I think it's important to talk to your girlfriend about what "a break" means to both of you.

Before I answer your question, I'd like to ask you a couple:

First, why did you decide to take a break? You said that you noticed things haven't been the same lately, so can you tell me a little more?

Second, what did you guys discuss about the break? What's the purpose of having a break and how will it bring you closer?

Based on the answers you provide, I might be able to give you a more detailed response, but in answer to your question, yes...I think you should talk to her. I think communication is always the right thing, especially if your goal is to get back together, even if it's just to talk about not being really ready to talk yet and setting a day/time to catch up.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!

Warmly,
Kathy

Question:  Hi Kathleen, how are you? My name is Laura, I'm almost 24 and I've been with my boyfriend Adam, 26, for a year. Things are great, we really love eachother, and we're discussing marriage and moving in together and all that. Things are pretty perfect, except for one terrible thing that I just cannot get past: he has a pretty big porn habit. His computer, XBox 360, and other such technological devices are LOADED with dirty videos of women with bodies like....well unlike mine. I'm not fat, but I can pinch a little like most people. He says he finds me sexy and beautiful and that the porn is just for "variety" and stuff....but it still makes me feel really REALLY bad about myself. When we're togther, everytime he turns on the xbox or laptop, he has to click out of several porn video boxes before he can do whatever it is we were trying to do. It completely unnerves me and makes me annoyed and depressed for a good while afterwards. Now I'm no angel, I've looked at porn a few times in my life, but I can't boast of having an actual collection and I don't frequently view this stuff. The fact that he drools and um, pleasures himself to images of beautiful women that I just don't look like makes me feel absolutely awful and I have no idea how to go about feeling better. Can you help me? It would be super appreciated.
Thank you!
~Laura
 
Answer:  Hi Laura. Thanks so much for your question and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I doubt many women would feel good about their partners looking at porn which such frequency.

Before I give you some ideas about how to make things better, I think I should tell you that I have a small bias here. I am not fundamentally opposed to pornography. I don't think it's necessarily bad or evil, as long as it is depicting reasonable and loving acts between two consenting adults. However, so much of the pornography that is created is not of this type, so without knowing what your boyfriend is looking at, I can't really evaluate how degrading or concerning it might be.

That said, I think the first and best place to start is to tell him how his porn activities impact you. You might tell him how you feel when you see him looking at porn; you might tell him how it causes you to doubt yourself and causes you some anxiety. I would hope that upon hearing this, he'd step back and ask himself: what's more important - my relationship or my porn?

If he responds by saying "it's no big deal" or "everyone does it" or "you're being too sensitive," you might say, "Well, that could be, HOWEVER, I feel ____________________ when I see that you have 95 porn windows open on the computer when I come over and it is hurting our relationship. I am not asking you to give up the porn, just to treat me and my feelings with a bit more sensitivity. I would really like you to _________________________." Then you can discuss options....is it ok with you that he looks at porn sometimes? Would you like him to never look at porn?

I think it's really important to be clear about how you feel, why the behavior (looking at porn) hurts you, and what you'd like him to do differently.

Odds are that he's a good guy who cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you. If so, I'd imagine that he'll be ok about accommodating any reasonable request you make. But if he tells you that he needs his porn or that it is very important to him, you might need to ask yourself if this is what you imagined your prince charming doing and saying to you. Usually prince charming doesn't pick the tv, game, or "program" over the girl.

Best of luck sweetheart, please let me know how the conversation goes.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  I've been married to my second husband for 9 years.  It is also his second marriage.  We both have kids from our first marriages.  Our blended family never really blended very well.  We have had a lot of issues with the kids over the years.  But, now the youngest of all our kids is 19 and getting ready to start his second year of college.  So the kids really aren't an issue anymore.  We separated once a couple of years ago, for about a year. Mostly because of issues over the kids and because I didn't feel like I was treated with any respect and I was not treated like an equal.  We went to counseling together during the separation.  I made the decision to move back in with my husband.  Now I am seriously regretting that decision.  My problem is that I'm just extremely unhappy in my relationship with my husband.  Again I'm feeling like I'm not being treated with any respect or treated like an equal.  He is very controlling.  He is verbally abusive and has been, on just a couple of occasions, physically abusive.  He has never actually "hit" me, but he has grabbed my arms and pulled me into a shower while I was fully dressed because I needed to "cool off" and I have been pushed to the floor while trying to get away from a confrontation with him.  Those things happened prior to the separation.  There has not been any physical abuse since I've moved back.  But, he is still very controlling.  Everything has to be his way.  My husband hates animals and would never allow us to have a pet of any kind.  We even had a huge fight one time over a fish aquarium.  I love cats and when we separated I got a cat.  The cat was a big issue when we were discussing my moving back.  I told him that with all the crap I had put up over the years, he could put up with a cat.  He finally agreed to let me keep the cat.  But, the cat was a constant source of conflict between us and just a couple of months after I moved back, the cat mysteriously died.  He won't allow me to get another one, or any other type of inside pet. I've always felt that he did something to the cat. He always tells me what to do and how to do it, as if I'm too stupid to think for myself.  I really want to move back to my hometown, which is about 30 miles from where I currently live.  I already have a good job in my hometown and all my family and friends live there.  Now that we have an empty nest, my husband is the only thing left in this town for me and I really don't think it's worth driving back and forth 60 miles every day just to be treated like crap. I'm much happier when I'm by myself.  I recently started taking college classes, just to help with my self esteem which he has destroyed and also to have an excuse to stay away from him sometimes and be by myself to study.  He is extremely jealous of any time I try to spend with my kids, my friends or even just time by myself studying.  I feel like I'm at the point in my life where I can finally do what I want to do and I really resent my husband for holding me back from that.  Am I wrong for wanting to move back to  my hometown and live my own life now that my kids are grown?  I have a very good relationship with my kids.  We are more like best friends than mother and children. I also found out that he was previously arrested for domestic violence with his first wife, after they were divorced.  I only found this out because I happened to find the court document one day while looking for something else.
 
Answer:  Hi Susie. Thanks so much for your question. It's rare that I feel I can answer so directly, but with you, I sense I can: yes, I think it's time to go.

You have been experiencing abuse - he can be physically violent, who knows what happens to the cat, and he has a history of domestic violence. Of all that you wrote, what most struck me was "I'm much happier when I'm by myself."

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel safe, you deserve to be loved. It doesn't sound like you have much of that in your current relationship and as such, I think moving towards a place where you can feel good about yourself and your life is the right thing.

As you may know, most of the research we have on abusers show that they never stop abusing...unless/until they are held accountable for their behaviors (usually this means jail, probation, and therapy). Sadly, most abusers don't stop being abusive. So I'd have a very hard time encouraging you to stay in this situation.

Prior to making any decisions, you might want to consult with a therapist or a counselor at a domestic violence shelter in your area. I'd like someone to work with you to support you before, during, and after any transition. Also, one of the more dangerous times in any abusive relationship is the time you decide to leave...so it's very important to have a safety plan in place.

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and how brave you are to start thinking about starting over. I think you should take care of yourself and do what will make you feel good about yourself. Then you'll have the energy to love yourself and your kids more fully. You deserve that and so do they.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. Please let me know if I can help you further.

Warmly,
Kathy

www.drkathynickerson.com

Question:  Hi...I'm 39 years old and have been married to my husband for 15 years.  He has an explosive temper and is also verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me.  He yells at me, belittles me, calls me names, uses profanity and sarcasm, degrades me, criticizes me, and puts me down.  He is very controlling and is typically a negative person.  And to make matters worse, he's a perfectionist.

He says things to me like....
"If you would just do what I tell you, then maybe you'd get what you want from me."
"You don't even try!  Maybe if you just tried, we'd be able to get somewhere.  But you won't even try!"
"Any rational human being could have figured that out."

He has physically pushed me, shoved me into furniture or the wall (once he shoved me into the corner of the window sill and left a huge bruise on my backside), grabbed at me (he once left a bruise on my upper chest when he grabbed at my shirt, but got my skin caught in his grip), thrown water in my face (he's done that about 3 times now, as recent as this past Sunday) throws things (like the cup he used to throw water on me, a chair, a telephone book)and uses intimidation tactics (nashes his teeth, gets right in my face, shakes his fist at me).

He is ALWAYS blaming ME for us not making progress.  It's always MY fault.  While I know it not all my fault, I still feel the guilt from not wanting to try anymore.  I'm so tired.

We have a 12 year old son who gets caught up in a lot of the fighting.  He hears a lot.  When I talk with him, he says that it makes him mad that his dad would treat me like that.

My husband has been willing to go to couseling several times since we've been married, however, he usually quits going when it gets to the "good" part.  We were both in couseling together for about a year and a half, but quit because our counselor left the practice.  I sought my own counseling, but quit due to money.  Our insurance didn't cover it.

He keeps saying that he's willing to keep trying, but whenever I break down and say I'll try, things go back to "normal" rather quickly.  We are currently not living together and haven't since June 2007.  He lives with his mom, two blocks away.  We are currently not talking and haven't seen each other or spoken since Sunday, when he threw the water in my face.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like such an idiot because I keep falling for the same crap all the time.  I've stayed, because I am  Christian, and feel like I wouldn't be doing the "right" thing by leaving.  I want to know, when is enough, enough?  What should I do?  Do you have any advise for me?
 
Answer:  Hi Jenny. Thank you so much for your question and I can understand why you are so exhausted. It sounds like you have through a lot and that he's really hurt you.

My sense is that he is abusive and that he doesn't see much wrong with his behavior. If you love someone, you don't hurt them, humiliate them, or throw water in their face. His behavior is hurtful, not loving and if he was willing to seek treatment, then maybe I'd advise you to consider in the relationship. However, if he doesn't want to address these concerns, then I think you need to ask yourself if you're willing to keep riding the roller coaster?

In my experience, abusive men don't get less abusive over time. I am sorry, I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but I need to be honest with you. So given that and that you have a 12 year old son who is learning how to treat women by watching how his dad treats you, I think you did the right thing by separating.

I have a strong faith base too and I don't believe that God wants any of us to suffer. I believe that marriage is a commitment and not something to be taken lightly. It seems to me that you are trying to do all you can, but that he is not taking his vow to love, honor, and cherish very seriously.

If you keep taking him back, it will keep reinforcing that his behavior is ok. I don't want him to keep hurting you or your son, so I'd recommend the following course of action and you can decide if it's right for you....

Your husband stays with his mom, has regular visitation with you and your son WHILE he seeks treatment, either individual therapy or a batterer's intervention class.

You start to take personal empowerment classes at a local domestic violence shelter or online; connect with other women in a similar experience and/or join a support group.

If your son is experiencing some grief and anguish too, he may also need some counseling and some of the DV shelters should have low cost/free referrals for you.

After you both have had some time apart and some counseling; re-assess and if you decide to move forward, some couples and family therapy might really help.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.

Warmly,
Kathy
 

Question:  I had weight loss surgery and my best friend of many years had surgery the year before I did.  We both were successful.  I thought it would make us closer.  After I lost the majority of our weight, our friendship changed and she became very critical of my hair, my clothes, and how I looked.  Our friendship eventually fizzled.  Why does weight loss cause a change in relationships? 

Thanks for your assistance.
 
Answer:  Hi Cathy. Thank you so much for your question. I am so sorry you experienced a change in your friendship, that does sometimes happen after a major life change.

It is sad that your friend became more critical and judgmental as your weight loss progressed. It sounds like there must have been some jealousy issues that came up.

Friendships are formed for many reasons and sometimes, they are somewhat situational. People who are in similar spots/situations tend to come together to support each other, so it makes sense to me that the two of you would bond over the struggle to lose weight and be overweight.

It might have been that she liked the attention she was getting when she was the "skinny one" and you were the "heavy one." She might have enjoyed the feeling of being more desirable, more socially acceptable, more attractive, or "better" in some way. (Please know that I don't personally think one's weight has anything to do with these attributes, but some people do.....so I am including them here). Once you started to lose weight and were on the same level, her competitive advantage was lost and she may have been uncomfortable with this.

Weight loss can cause radical changes in romantic relationships too and if you'd like to read more about this, feel free to read my article here:

http://www.drkathynickerson.com/publications.htm

Thanks so much for your question, I hope this helps!

Warmly,
Kathy