I haven't been on in a while. But thought I would write my one year update and add my new photos. The weight hasn't been really coming off but at least I am maintaining it.
I have added my before and after pictures to date finally. I have also written the inches lost below. On paper it feels like a lot but when I look in the mirror it doesn't seem like that much.
Starting 1 Year Later Total Lost
Weight 319 216 103 Pounds
Bust 58 in 45 ½ in 12 ½ in
Mid Section 56 ¼ in 40 in 16 ¼ in
Waist 55 ¾ in 40 ½ in 15 ¼ in
Belly/Hip 65 ¼ in 47 ¾ in 17 ½ in
U. Arms 21 in 18 in 3 in
Thighs 35 in 23 ¼ in 11 ¾ in
U. Thighs 35 ¼ in 24 ½ in 9 ¾ in
Calfs 21 in 17 in 4 in
Total Combined Inches Lost: 90 Inches
So this has been a very difficult year. There were new things to learn...what to eat, what not to eat..how much to eat...to excersise a certain way...to retrain my mind on food....retrain my mind on my body image...learning to overcome being a stress eater (still working on that one!)...learning to overcome my unconscious eating (boy am I still working on this one too!)...learning to stop eating when I am full instead of finishing what's on my plate....learning proper portion control. I will have to work on all of these things my entire life. I honestly thought this surgery was going to be a magic cure..that the weight would just melt off with ease. Boy, was I ever wrong. This has been ALOT of hard work..triumps and failures. It gets harder every day...you start slipping into your old habits and have to really make an effort to pick your choices wisley. I will be the first to rat myself out...I have had bad days with bad choices. I have made myself sick because I ate more that I should have..I even thought one day it was ok to eat some chocolate brownie...WRONG! I got very sick from it. I knew not to eat it...but my mind was like...it's ok...it won't hurt you. But it is a learning experience that is for sure.
Most people that have surgery have follow up help and they are kept on track. Me...not so much. My doctor left to Alabama after my 3 month check up. I haven't seen a doctor since. No one will see me. They said since I had the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (which seems no one does but my doctor in entire area around New Mexico) and that another doctor did the surgery...they won't touch me...unless I have major complications. I told them I am fine and I haven't had any problems so they won't see me. So I have been traveling this road alone without medical or clinical support. Thank goodness I have had Jon, my girls, my dad, my cousin and my best friend the entire road. It has been an emotional ride.
I was very excited to finally change my life...to get healthy...to make my family proud (I have had fat jokes my entire life..and even got them this Easter ), to overcome my past, to gain self-esteem and to be able to do things with Jon and my girls. I have been dissapointed in some areas and thrilled in others. I probably shouldn't be saying this but it has been eating at me and I have been extremely hurt by it but my brothers and sister-in-law haven't said anything about my weight loss. I sent pictures and nothing. I have seen them and nothing. I had to ask one of them if he even noticed I had lost and he said yes. That's it. I am at a high in my life and feel that I have worked hard and I should get the acknowledgement for my accomplishments from them. My eintire life all I wanted was the approval of my family and never had it..to them...I was a total screw up and a failure. One poor choice after another. I never felt like I was good enough for anything or anyone. Maybe this isn't the way they feel...but that is the way it comes across to me. I used to eat for comfort, ate when I was stressed and ate when I was depressed and it was a horrible habit that I got into. I have worked very hard to overcome that. I haven't made it yet..but at least I am more aware of it then I used to be. Jon notices when I start doing it and brings it to my attention when I don't see it.
Jon has been my knight in shining armor through this ENTIRE process. We had just started dating April 4, 2007. I made the decision in September of 2007 that I was going to do this surgery. I was afraid to tell him at first or anyone else because I was ashamed that I had to go this route to lose the weight. I started the pre-ops in October and Jon was there every step of the way. He drove me to my pre-ops, went with me to doctor visits, drove me to Lubbock to meet with the surgeon, for the surgery and for the follow up. He was supportive the entire time..not once did he say you shouldn't do it. He was scared for me to do it but didn't let on...of course...I knew it. He wanted me to feel comfortable and wanted to support me so he never put his doubts out there for me to see. We had only been dating 6 months when all the test started..so not only did we deal with the new dating issues but we had the surgery issues. He never waivered! My eldest daughter wanted to go for the surgery so Jon said it was ok and he would watch her for me so she could go. He was wonderful! They were there the morning I got wheeled in and waited in the waiting room off an on all day. I was put in intensive care so they could only visit for short periods of time so most of the time they were out of my room for both days. I do remember, however, the day after surgery that my lovely daughter and wonderful boyfriend were having a great laugh and wonderful time at MY expense. They said I was so dopped up on the morphine that they couldn't help laugh at me. Glad I could lighten the mood for them while I was in severe pain! Ha Ha I almost didn't get to check out the day after the surgery because I was having complications but they finally let me go that evening. Dawnielle and Jon took me to the hotel room and went and got my mediation and jellos. Nothing tasted good and everything tasted metalic! I couldn't lay down very well and had a hard time getting up. Everytime I went to get up...Jon got up with me. I told him to go back to sleep that I would be fine and he wouldn't do it. He looked soooo tired and I felt so bad for him. I know it couldn't have been easy for him. Everytime I tried to roll a bit he would try to help me. Oh boy was I miserable. Jon said I kept asking him in the hospital if it was worth it. I was in so much pain, I couldn't breathe, my blood pressure was up, my sugar levels were up and they kept giving me insulin...honestly...I was not in a good place. But I wouldn't change it for anything! It was one of the best choice I have ever made. I love you baby...thank you for everything!
I feel more confident. I'm no longer dwelling on the abuse I received in the past and I no longer believe that I am not worthy of more. I know I am worthy of alot of good things in life. The depression is gone, the high blood pressure is gone, the sleep apnea is almost completely gone, the type 2 diabetis is gone. I am feeling great! I still have a long way to go..but I am a little over half way to my goal.
I have become more active since the weight loss and my self-esteen has improved. I did the American Lung Associations Stair Climb (486 steps in 10 minutes and 33 seconds), I am doing the Breast Cancer Walk next weekend and I will be participating in the Mud Volleyball Fundraiser for the Tingley Hospital in June. When Jon and I went to Las Vegas, I walked from the Mirage all the way down to New York New York and back...I actually out walked Jon. The only reason we stopped walking was because he was tired. Poor guy..and it was about 1:00 AM. Jon used to have to walk very slow for me and wait on me. I had a hard time just walking from my car to my apartment and it wasn't that far but I could hardly breathe when I got to the door.
So if anyone is thinking about having the surgery and have reservations...please take my advice and have the surgery. There will be many question and many fears that you will have but just keep faith. I kept telling my self over and over the saying I have by my picture about fear..just keep telling it to yourself over and over. You will become more positive and have the confidence you need for this journey.
For all of those who have gone through this with me...thank you! Let's just wait and see what this next year brings! Hopefully the other 73 pounds off but if not..at least 37 pounds of it (little over half).