Hows about an update? on January 3, 2012 2:32 pm
Been what - 18 months since my last update? Unforgivable! Sorry about that.
Lets see. I regained 48 pounds in a very short amount of time from around July 2010 - October 2010 after my husband, Eric, was put into remission in March of that year. Believe it or not - I actually gained my weight after he got better! I learned (after I decided to reclaim my health) that I was doing it to create chaos in my world because I was bored! I wasn't going to chemo, surgeries, doctors appointments, etc. I was just existing. And what are ya gonna do when you're life is full of chaos and then suddenly unchaotic? Embrace the luxury of time of your hands? NAH! Eat. Eat and eat and eat. Because you're gonna die anyway - might as well eat. Right? Wrong.
So what happened to make me get back on track? I had an amazing support system who whispered in my ear "Psssst. Hey... you have regain? I know some other people who do too. Wanna get together and share our struggles and not be judged for it? Come this way!" and I haven't turned back since. I'm part of an incredible group who are helping me carry the weight of losing weight. Cause it's just as hard as it was pre-op to lose - I just have years and years of wanting to be healthy now and knowing what it feels like to be there helping me this time. My good friend and I talk about how we eat now and we realize it's been long enough that we just don't want to go back to pre-op ways - even if we have had regain. I wish I knew what it felt like 5 years ago before surgery but I'm so happy I do now. I'll probably regain again in my lifetime - but I know I can lose it now. No matter what - I have what it takes inside me to succeed for the long haul.
So here I am now. I'm at the same weight where I maintained the easiest for years. 48 pounds of regain are GONE! Yay! I'm still 10 pounds above my lowest but I'm ok with that because I feel good. I have more goals in mind for 2012 though! First I want to lose 25 lbs to get me to the 200 lb lost mark. After that it's ONEDERLAND, baby!!! I don't need to stay in the 100's cause like I've said before - I like being meaty - but I want/need to see 199 one time in my adult life. If I maintain between 200-220 for the rest of my life I will be content as can be. Watch me closely, friends. This girl is on her way in 2012!!!
Take care and know that I appreciate everyone who has helped me in my journey. I might not come to a lot of boards like I used to but that doesn't mean I don't care. Leave me a note and let me know how you are!
Oct 2010 Oct 2011
Oct 2010 Oct 2011
And here's my sweet little family now! Everyone is healthy, happy, and glad to be back to normal!
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Where I'm at today... on July 26, 2010 7:46 pm
I'm struggling with trying to find the strength to pull deep within myself to do what needs to be done.
There. I said it.
So, good news. My husband is in remission with a slim chance of recurrence. yay. Yeah - I didn't capitalize it. I'm happy - just not happy happy. See - our lives are so different now. He struggles with finding normalcy, I struggle with finding normalcy, our kid won't ever know normalcy - so yeah, I'm kinda ho hum about it all. Don't get me wrong - I'm so grateful to keep him with me. I just fear damn near everything right now. It will probably get better with time, but right now I'm bothered by everything thinking cancer has struck again. Ache? Cancer. Pain? Cancer. Sneeze? Cancer. Day in and day out. Let alone the multiple "imprints" treatments have left behind including neuropathy, lymphedema, long term heart disease from BEP, and possibly a different cancer down the road from chemotherapy! Yeah. Big ol' ray of sunshine am I.
As for my health, meh whatever. I'm kinda there but really indifferent to it. I need to get back on track with just caring about myself but there's that whole who-gives-a-fuck-monster raising it's ugly head again. Everyone tells me that I should be proud for not gaining 50 pounds and/or killing someone in the process. I am. I'm just done thinking about anything really. It's gotten better in the last 6 weeks, but I know I have a long way to go. How the heck I'm going to pull the desire to keep trying out of my ass I don't know, but I'll try. That's all I can do right now. Keep trying. My kid starts kindergarten this year anyway so I'll have 5 days a week to work on me again. We'll see how that goes.
Thanks for all the support and prayers I've gotten from OH. I made this journal update for people who were wondering where we were at (that I don't communicate with on Facebook) and hope it finds you well. If you've contacted me to reach out and I haven't replied, I'm sorry. I just don't care to right now. Remember that person who used to actually be invested in others? I'm not that person anymore. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate the call-outs though. Thanks for that. I'm currently just in asshole mode. Bear with me while I attempt to give a fuck again.
Best wishes to whomever reads this,
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Success through struggle - a co-survivors journey on November 22, 2009 8:24 pm
For those that don't know me, at one time in my life OH was the epicenter of a typical day. A place where I could confront my crazy head-on and hold myself accountable. Through the many friends I have made here, I found courage and strength I never knew I had before WLS. My journey on OH has ended up impacting me in ways I never knew it would, and I finally feel comfortable enough to share about it now if you're interested in continuing reading.
Last month my 31 year old husband was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive form of testicular cancer that metastasized to his lymph nodes and lungs in a matter of 5 months. After an array of extensive testing, it was the conclusion of multiple specialists that if we didn't start chemotherapy immediately, he would die within three to four weeks time. After having a mediport surgically affixed under his collarbone, we were ready and all bets were off. Would the chemo work? Would my daughter grow up with a father? Will he make it? Nobody knew for sure.
The first two days in the hospital I was alone for the majority of the time, sitting bedside to the only person in this world who has loved me through thick and thin, no questions asked. You would think being catapulted into despair would drop kick you back to where you've always turned, that being food. It was readily available 5 floors down through labyrinth-like corridors, just waiting to be explored and claimed.
Amazingly, I had no desire to.
See, one thing I couldn't have ever imagined happening was having a wow moment sitting in the oncology ward of a local Dallas hospital. Part of the grieving process of my old life consisted of anger - but anger I didn't even know I had. I became enraged at all the time wasted I spent in idle SSMO while my healthy and active husband sat next to me waiting for me to get my head on straight. At that moment I hated every single Little Debbie that passed my lips, every milkshake I thought I needed, and every double cheeseburger meal that I allowed to steal precious active time with my spouse and child. Idleness. What a bigger thief than cancer.
So after encountering this newfound wisdom, and having years of experience living a healthy post-op lifestyle, I made it a goal to not regain any weight through this ordeal because we all know I could if I didn't care enough to keep trying. I have a good enough excuse to not care anymore, right? I mean come on. This isn't fair. I didn't sign up for this. I have every right to eat any Ding Dong and Dorito I can get my hands on. Yeah, not so much.
Anyway, I will be a co-survivor when my husband goes into remission in 2010. I am claiming a cure because testicular cancer has an incredible cure rate, even for stage III cancer like his. But I'm also claiming survivorship from mental obesity, by not allowing traditional pitfalls like hardship and struggle to thwart my success. What good would it be to have him get his life back, only to waste it again because I couldn't keep my head in the game?! What a great disservice it would be not only for myself, but to his survivorship. I have learned that not only do I deserve more, but so does he. And I'll be damned before I give cancer one more thing from my life.
So please. If you're pre-op, post-op, non-op - stop the crazy with food. If you're like me and think age makes you invincible, think again. Put the bad food down. Don't waste another day eating something that is stealing, or could steal, precious time away from you and your loved ones. When you want to eat, think of all the things you can and will be doing when you just stop the crazy with food. It took me too long to get to that point, and I can never reclaim those years back. Learn from my mistakes. It's just not worth it in the end, because you never know where your path is going to lead. Fight back the food demons and stay on track. It's way bigger than sticking to a food plan, just for the sake of sticking to a food plan.
Stay strong, think strong, live strong -
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Motivation...and a lack thereof on March 30, 2009 4:43 am
A new friend of mine asked the other day "How do you stay motivated to keep doing what you're doing?" because she wanted some inspiration.
Simply put - I'm not.
Motivation to me suggest that you have to have this internal energy driving you to get somewhere that never falters, gives up, or breaks down for a period. Heck - looking back now I don't think I've ever been motivated post-op. Because motivation isn't necessary when it's one sided.
See - my pre-op life and living will never be acceptable ever again. Motivation has been replaced with a sense of absolute - an absolute desire to do what I need to do to get the results I want. I wouldn't call that motivation because the opposite isn't even an option anymore. I follow the simple set of cardinal rules laid forth and I live day to day peacefully knowing I did everything in my power to maintain or lose. There's no drive to question myself if I needed to work harder. There's no need to put myself down for being human. There's no internal struggle wondering if I chewed enough, counted enough, exercised enough, posted to OH enough, or prayed enough. And with that lack of motivation I've stopped kicking myself in the teeth for thinking I should always be doing more - causing chaos in my brain - which is eerily reminiscent of every pre-op diet I have ever been on before. Sound familiar to you? It sure rings true for me.
That's when I realized - diet mentality requires motivation. Lifestyle changes do not. I'm sure every person reading this has heard "lifestyle change" hundreds of times in their lives. Well long term post-op life is where the rubber meets the road my friends. You have the option to struggle post-op with motivation - getting pumped up to only start exercising when the weather is warm or eating protein forward meals twice a day, not always - but my hope for you long term is that you change the "I'll do that when" to "now's as good a time as any because the opposite isn't even an option anymore".
I guess I'm not motivated to do squat because I'm already doing it. And I got this way just by doing it. No motivation required.
Thanks for reading.
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Meh...whatever... on March 16, 2009 5:03 am
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2 years out today. Nothing too exciting about it. Just doing what needs to be done to get the results I want. Wish I had something more profound to say but all I've got is - do it.
Here I am maintaining my weight loss and very impatiently waiting on plastics.
2 years down, God willing 40 more to go.