and I am depressed.  I occasionally get hungry but not much.  I am not overeating and most of the time I don't even miss eating.  I am tired all the time.  It takes everything I have to just shower and dress.  I haven't lost what I expected to date.  It seemed like I was doing ok but then I gained some back.  I could have lost what I've lost to date with just dieting and not having surgery.  My staples itch...I'm grouchy....I'm feeling sorry for myself and don't even know why.  Hopefully like everything else, this will pass.  I would have thought I would be back to normal by now but I'm not.  I don't even want to get out of bed.  I've been working part time from home and dread going back to work next week.  Wondering if I am really ready to.  I can just see if now....breaking down and crying for no reason or some perceived slight.  Before I left work, I asked to change jobs....and they did it while I was gone.  That upsets me but it shouldn't.  Few people at work have even called to check on me and when they have, it is like they wanted to share gossip more than anything else.  I'm wondering what happened to my friends....they all seemed to have disappeared.  Guess they weren't my friends after all.  Yes, this whole post is depressing - goes with how I feel.  Tomorrow, I have my first post-op check with Dr. O.  Maybe he will tell me how I feel is normal and what little weight I have lost is normal....and I will miraculous feel normal.  Somehow I doubt it.  I dread the drive down to go see him.  Six hours on the road makes we wonder if the decision to use a surgeon so far away was a huge mistake.  Maybe next time I write, I will have something positive to say.  Hopefully....I'm not sorry I had the surgery....I just wish I felt better.

Well....had my surgery last Wednesday and today is Sunday.  I am firnally starting to feel like a human again.  Beginning to wonder if I ever would.

Have to admit that I am somewhat disappointed.  I left the hospital 10 lbs heavier than when I checked in.  My stomach was huge and hard.  It is finally starting to soften and a couple of the lbs have come off.

Also, I am still hungry..not starving but hungry.  Disappointed in that also.

Guess there is not much more than wait and see what happens.  Dr. O said everything went well and he thought I would do well.  We will see....I still have a fear that I am going to be the one who this whole thing doesn't work for.

Also very disappointed that my diabetes is better but not gone...maybe it is too soon?  At the hospital the bs levels were off the chart...home they are just high but not off the charts.

Fingers crossed and hope that each day will be better than the last.

I leave for Ocala tomorrow.  I meet with the dietician in the afternoon.  I think it is finally hitting me that this is all for real.  The hospital called me both Friday and today to do some pre-reg stuff.  It is real....this life changing procedure is really going to happen.  I am now getting scared.  I am scared that I will be the only one that this procedure doesn't work for.  I am scared that I am doing this to regain my health and that my health won't come back, I'll still be diabetic.  I am scared that I can't make the life long changes and if I lose weight, I'll regain it all back.  I told my PC physician about my decision last week.  I had avoided telling her.  She thought it was a good idea and wanted to make sure that I kept checking by sugar levels since it could cause me to crash.  But she also said that she has had a lot of patients that ended up gaining all their weight back. NO NO NO....I can't do this and then not lose it and keep it off.  I've really been eating this past week or so.  I want to eat everything one last time.  Still need to decide what my last meal before surgery is going to be....maybe steak since it seems nearly everyone has a problem eating beef post surgery.

Anyway....this is probably my last post pre-surgery....next time I write, it will be post-surgery.  Yes, I am rambling.

I got on the scale today and it showed that I've lost weight.  While losing is good, I am not sure why since I am eating, eating, eating.  I also don't want to get where I no longer am qualified for surgery.  I've lost in the past and then it all comes back with a vengance.  Not sure what is going on.

I called Dr. O's office today and let them know about the letter from BC/BS.  I also sent an email to Kathy telling her what the letter said.  I did that early today.  Since I had not heard anything back, I called BC/BS myself and checked.  Kathy had aleady called and my certification was extended to cover my surgery date.  Whew..made me nervous.

I guess I should have known Kathy would take care of it but I didn't want to get hit with any surprises at the last minute.