So I'm sitting at 283 today and in 4 pounds I'll officially be down 100lbs from my heaviest (well heaviest known anyway) I have 10 days until my 6 month surgiversary. 4 pounds in 10 days? That's 2 pounds a week. Challenge accepted! I really want to see 279 for my 6 months! Lets make this happen Robin! Getting on it!

Before pic 370lbs    5 and a half months post op 283lbs

Very short update. I'm doing a bit better mentally lately so I've been on a positive path and am dropping weight again luckily. I'm down to 285 now, so 94lbs down in total. I'll be 6 months out in a few weeks (HOLY CRAP! How did that happen? lol) I really wanted to be down 100lbs by then, not sure I'll make that. It's only 6 more pounds but the way I've been losing latley IDK....but I'm still happy with 94lbs. I'll get there eventually. I will be a big milestone to see 279 on the scale, then 270. I've never been less then 270 in my adult life, that's only 15lbs from now so I know I'll get there.

All in all, set backs and emotional issues over the last few months aside, I'm proud of where I am and how far I've come. 94lbs down, 74 since surgery. Still a ways to go but I'm in a better frame of mind to get there now.

So I weighed in yesterday as it was my official 1 month, but got on the scale today and was down another 5 pounds? I don't really understand it but I'll take it. So instead of losing 7lbs last month this brings it to 12lbs. It's probably because I've been pretty nauseous lately and haven't felt like eating at all. There are times when I emotional eat, and other times when my emotions make me so sick to my stomach that the thought of food is repulsing. This is one of those times. So yeah down 12lbs for the month, 89 all together, Still struggling with the body dysmorphia issues as well as other emotional issues that are causing my head to spiral in bad directions (a break up has been the cause of most of this) so I have decided that this coming week I am going to seek professional help for my emotions, I realize I need it right now and I don't want to be a failure because of my emotional issues, Hopefully by next month I'll have some positive news.

So this is just a quick check in update for my 4 month surgiversary. Today It's officially 4 months since surgery and i'm down 84lbs all together. I FINALLY got under 300lbs and am sitting at 295 today. I only managed to lose 7lbs last month....which is my fault. This last month I've really struggled with emotional issues. It's hard to put into words but sometimes I am totally satisfied with where I am with my weight and question if I want to lose more. And I know this is probably in part to other issues that are too deep to get into...but I debate with myself often what I really want. The thing is, I think spending so long as a super morbidly obese person has really screwed up my perception of what 'thin' is. Hell some days I FEEL thin which obviously at 295lbs I am not...but in comparison to almost 400lbs I do feel thin.

It's a strange thing, but being so big can definitely warp your perceptions. Then there are times when I actually in some ways MISS being bigger. I don't understand it and I think it was probably because of my involvement with the plus size communities and other big woman over the years, but I became almost attached to being fat, specifically over 300lbs- and to not be there now leaves me feeling....strange. I miss certian features of my 'old' body that would probably repulse most normal people, and when I see a woman who is bigger then me I almost feel a sense of sad wistful feelings.... its really rough to admit this because now I feel SO much better then I did then physically. Like I would NEVER want to feel like that again because it was painful and physically draining on my body. Now I have a LIFE and can live it. I can walk anywhere I want, I can shop ANYWHERE- I've always loved to shop and clothes but at a size 22 as apposes to a 26/28 life and shopping is SO much better. I work hard to try to understand these feelings and when I've tried to talk to friends or family about them no one really understands it. Hell I don't even understand it. And I debated whether or not to even put this on here because I know a lot of people probably can't understand where I'm coming from either on here. Most people on here strive to be as far away from fat as they can get. I've been considering getting professional help because I don't want to be put in the position of sabotaging myself and my health because of a form of body dysmorphia which I am sure I have. And I feel like I HAVE been sabotaging myself, maybe not totally intentionally but in the back of my mind 'Oh just have a cookie, you're already pretty 'thin' anyway...' I don't want to do that.

I'm really struggling with these things and I hate it. I know I've done pretty well thus far, and I don't want that to end here. I'm proud of my lose of 84lbs. I feel SO great and active physically- which may be part of why I feel its 'okay' to not lose more- its night and day from where I was and its almost as if I'm living a different life now. So I guess I justify stopping because I feel better. Of course I feel better, at nearly 400lbs I couldn't do ANYTHING... I'm just mixed up which is why I am going to seek professional help for these issues. Its very hard to come here and admit these issues but I want people to know that every ones struggles and journey is different and it isn't all roses.

I'm a little late with my 3 month update. The last month has been pretty busy for me. I've had some emotional issues with letting someone go out of my life that was long overdue. Surprisingly it wasn't a trigger to to eat like it has been in the past. But I found myself really needing distractions. I started making positive changes in my life- I took an internship that will hopefully get me a job one day in my field and give me some good experience. I also finally did something that was long over due- I got my permit and am taking driving lessons! I know at 24 not many people don't know how to drive lol, but living in NYC I never felt the need to- but now I want to learn to broaden my options in life. Just another thing I'm doing for ME.

As far as weight loss- I'm down to 302lbs so down 14lbs this month! Some times I think my weight loss has been slow but when I look at it like that, 14lbs in a month is A LOT. I'm SO close to the 200's I can taste it! I really wanted it for my 3 month surgiversay but that's okay! I'm down 57 from surgery and 77lbs all together from my heaviest (heaviest known anyway. I always stress that because I know I was definitly over 380 at my heaviest but it was never documented) I can't believe how close I am to being 100lbs down! The most I has ever lost in my life was 68lbs on my own when I was 18. The fact that I surpassed that now makes me SO happy! I'm just about 30lbs until I get to my lowest weight ever- 270lbs. When I see 269 on the scale, I swear I won't know what to do with myself! So excited to get there! As for sizes, I was in a 26/28 at 380+ and now I'm around a 22, though some smaller things fit me, and some larger also, depends on the cut, brand etc. But I'm going with a 22 lol.

I'm really happy with where I am! I know I'm still pretty big by most people's standards but I feel like I'm the hottest thing in the world most days LOL. I feel so good, I have a ton of energy and I can just LIVE now. Even if I never lost another pound I would be THRILLED to be where I am! So grateful to be able to live in the world again as a functioning member of society. This surgery was always about being able to live a life, not for vanity. I know I was pretty before, now I just feel amazing all over AND I'm able to shop for cuter clothes to show myself off! :D Hoping to drop 10 pounds this month- fingers crossed!

Here's a picture I dug up from last January- I was over 380lbs there- and the after is today at 302! :)