Felicity Q.
Falling, then getting back up again.
Aug 23, 2015
If you talk to any weight loss surgery veteran, they will tell you that surgery is just the start of a difficult journey to a healthier life. I can attest to the journey being difficult. I am still near the beginning of my lifelong journey, and had a major failure last week.
Let me start by talking about how well I have been doing! I started making major life changes in mid-July, after meeting with my Nutritionist and joining the ObesityHelp community. My life up until that point, I did not know HOW to eat healthy. All of a sudden, I had a slew of information at my fingertips that told me exactly how others were eating and what I should be eating - in terms of calories, protein, fat, and carbs. Why hadn't anyone ever told me how to eat before?? I'm not talking about Diet A or Diet B... but a specific # of nutrients to be aiming for each day has never been shown to me.
It made all the difference! I went through my house and (with the blessing and help from my husband), got rid of the foods that were poor choices that had led to my morbid obesity. I threw away the popcorn, which is my trigger food. I swore off sweets and sugary items, desserts, high-fat low-nutrition items. My family's refrigerator and pantry did a complete 180!
I also started my food journal. This step alone truly opened my eyes to what I was putting into my body. I was quite quickly able to eliminate additional foods which I *thought* were healthy but instead not a good choice. I reduced my daily caloric intake from about 1500 calories on average to about 750-800 on average over the course of 30 days. I have kept my protein intake above 80g protein daily - most days hitting about 100g. I was drinking diet sodas already, but gave that up as well - July 19th marked my final carbonated drink!
With all of these successes in mind, and with about 15lb lost in less than 30 days, I felt like I was invincible and bound for success. Sure, I had some (figurative and literal!) hiccups along the way, but for the most part I was doing well and I was learning from my mistakes. This isn't that hard! I can resist emotional eating and making poor choices! I have kicked my food binging habit! I was WRONG.
On Friday August 14th, I had a busy day at work and a day full of good food choices. The night prior, my husband and I went to Texas Roadhouse (a chain steakhouse) and we did well there - ordering Sirloin, Sauteed Mushrooms, Grilled Shrimp, and Chili. I ate about half of my meal and saved my leftovers for my dinner the next day. My breakfast, lunch, and snacks were spot-on as well! The overall plan for the day was to eat 849 Calories, 88g Protein, 17g Carbs, and 38g Fat. This was going to be an excellent day for my weight loss!
And it was... until that evening I found myself bored. I don't often become bored because I fill my free time with video games, internet, or obsessing over this weight loss journey. Whatever happened Friday, I was just not satisfied emotionally and nothing that I tried to do quenched my desire to eat. So, I gave in and had one of my homemade protein fudgesicles. It was delicious! Before I knew it, I went back to the freezer and grabbed two more. They were also fantastic. The feelings of happiness, satisfaction, getting to eat something sweet... it all rushed to my head. It felt GOOD to eat, and I wasn't bored any more.
But it didn't stop there. Next, I had some cheese... then some almonds... then some yogurt... then some jerky... and before I knew it, I was whipping together some brown sugar, butter, and flour to make eggless cookie dough. About halfway through this cookie dough batch that I had made, I realized what had just happened. I was in an uncontrollable eating frenzy!
I felt ashamed. I felt scared. I felt deceived. I felt disappointed.
I thought about hiding what I had done. I thought about not telling my husband. I thought about pretending this didn't just happen. My husband was so proud of me for all of the hard work WE had been doing together, and the progress that WE were making... and I threw away the 'winning streak' in an evening of boredom home alone.
I made myself write down everything that I ate. I made myself log it in MyFitnessPal.
I made myself look long and hard at all of the extra calories, sugar, and fat that I ate that wasn't needed. I cried. I vowed to never do it again.
But I set myself up for failure the next day.
The batch of eggless cookie dough that I made the night before? The thing I was eating when I snapped out of my feeding frenzy? I didn't throw away what was left. I put it in a ziploc bag and hid it in the freezer. I hid it like it was a drug stash or a flask of favorite liquor.
I confessed my eating sins to my husband the next day. I told him about the binge. What I ate. Why I did it. I came clean... at least as far as he knew. The whole time I was thinking about the cookie dough in my freezer, knowing that when he went to work I could finish it and he wouldn't know. No one would know. Except me. But I wanted it, and I wasn't going to stop myself. I had already cheated by binging yesterday - so I had 'broken the seal' so to speak and I was going to do it again today. I had already failed myself, so what was stopping me?
I ate the cookie dough the next day. I was already ashamed of myself before I even walked to the freezer. I knew that I should take the cookie dough and throw it straight into the trash. I wasn't strong enough to throw it out. I ate the remaining dough, regretting it the instant I put the first spoonful into my mouth. The sugary goodness that rolled over my tongue the night before felt too sweet, too rich. All I could think of was my life up until that point, and how many times I had secretly eaten something I shouldn't... how many times I had binge-eaten... how many times I had satiated my emotions with food.
Something changed inside me that night. I realized that my behavior is exactly why I weigh over 300 pounds. That behavior is exactly why I failed with my first weight loss surgery. That behavior is why I am so unhappy with the way I look. All of the obsession with nutrition, eating healthy, exercising, blogging about my journey... that would all be a colossal waste of time if I allowed myself to fall and not get back up. This weight loss surgery that I have been obsessing over, pouring my heart and soul into, would fail if I didn't also start fixing my food addiction.
I am going to get help for my food addiction. I made an appointment with my PCP so I can ask her for a referral to a psychologist. The Gastric Bypass is a tool that will help with the weight loss... but that is only part of the problem. I need to fix my head too!
I thought about not sharing this story... that is why it has taken me over a week to come out with it. I don't want to look 'bad' to anyone who might read this. I don't want my Friends in the ObesityHelp community to think I am a failure. It's hard to publicly admit to such a deep personal issue, but I feel that it is necessary for me to help defeat it. Also, if I can help just one person come to terms with their own food addiction, then sharing the story will be worth it.
