ObesityHelp

I have been overweight all my life, even at birth. The genes on my dad's side seem to indicate that obesity runs in the family, particularly with the women. Unfortunately, obesity does not run on my mom's side of the family, and all of my young and adolescent life, she was about 120 lbs. and thought that I should be as well. She didn't hesitate to vocalize it. So even though I was heavy, I had a body image that matches my current weight today. I've never been "slight," and have always complained that I am dense. I do not carry "poofy" fat, it's heavy, thick fat. I can remember being weighed as a sophomore in high school and the scale said 170 lbs. I wanted to die. In hindsight, I was healthy and a size 12. Because of the constant scrutiny by my thin mother, I believed I was the size of a 300 lb. person. To look back at pictures now I can see someone totally different than I remember looking back at me. Remember the obesity genes I talked about? My mom's coin phrase growing up was, "You're going to look like Auntie Dar!" Well, Auntie Dar was quite heavy... possibly 300 lbs. I think I believe in self fulfilling prophecy, and I think that I have achieved it.

What seems to add insult to injury is that my relationship with my mother is better now. She was a smoking, drinking, manic depressive suffering from bi-polar disorder. As she became a grandmother, she really made an effort (because I finally had the guts to say something) to change. She quit smoking and drinking, and has gotten on medication and has now held a steady job for over 7 years. Because things are better now, I don't want to rehash the past. However, she has no idea that she treated me the way that she did. For the longest time she could not understand why we were not close. I'm an only child by the way. Since she has made such dramatic and positive changes, I have opened the door to her. I have not addressed the issues of the past. The interesting thing is that now she is older and has recently been diagnosed as diabetic. She is trying to control it with diet and exercise. She has gained about 70 lbs over the last 5 years. She is struggling with weight for the first time in her life. Her steady diet of cigarettes, alcohol and junk food has finally rebelled against her. Without the cigs and drinks, she is consuming real food and so she is starting to see what it's like. It makes me think back to the numerous meals she didn't cook for me growing up, and all the pop and crap that was in the house, and all the exercise that we didn't do. She did a lot of finger pointing as she smoked those cigarettes instead of eating. I can tell as I write that I have a lot of issues inside, but I am not sure that confronting her will be beneficial. The relationship is still volatile, and for the time being it's better this way.

I feel I have dieted myself to this current weight of 280+lbs. A major culprit was pregnancy. I specifically told myself not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. My conclusion is that skinny girls that get pregnant finally allow themselves to eat, which is why they gain so much weight. I gained 30 lbs during pregnancy, and I was okay with that. 2 weeks after delivery I was in a smaller pant size than prior to pregnancy. How strange is that? But six months later I was at my end of pregnancy weight, and now I'm a bit more than that. I have always found it difficult to lose weight. Most people nearing 300lbs would simply need to move their bodies a bit more and they would begin to see results. This past year, I exercised a minimum of 3 times a week, doing a quick paced 2 mile walk. In the past, I would quit after not seeing results in a month's time, but I had some divine intervention that gave me the will power not to give up. I bought an elliptical for the winter months. I didn't quit... until a year rolled around and I had only lost 17lbs. Since then, I've quit again. The story of my life. I have always given a great effort for the first month or two, but when there is no significant result, I stop and I eat more. I truly believe my body wants to keep this weight on. I definitely over eat, but not to the point that I have seen my obese friends do. I see people ordering double meals and double desserts. I have never been that person. I truly believe that my body needs to consume a very small amount of calories for me to lose the weight, and I feel that a tool to help me do that is going to be the lapband.

My obesity is definitely impacting more than just me. Intimacy with my husband is limited, and I feel terrible during the process. My husband loves me no matter how I look, but I cannot believe that, despite his endless efforts to tell me so.

I also believe that the obesity is causing some hygiene issues that contribute to the process I find intimacy to be. I feel I don't want anyone near me unless I've very recently showered, and so that removes all spontaneity.

It has been determined that my inability to conceive a second child is weight related. My specialist wasn't exactly compassionate when sharing this news with me. When I conceived my daughter, I had just been on Jenny Craig and lost 23lbs, taking me from 246lbs. to 223, and that's precisely when I got pregnant. The infertility specialist concluded that that was no coincidence. So now my obesity has severely impacted each member of my family. No second child for me or my husband, and no sibling for my daughter. This also impacts our plan to have had 2 children close in age so that we would be done and I would be back to work, thereby putting our finances back in order.

I have no energy to play with my 4 year old. I convince myself that I'm still a good mother because I don't do crack and so I am always sure to provide her with her basic needs and safety. Sign me up for mother of the year.

I suffer from depression because of all of this, and I am just praying that somehow this surgery is going to get me back on track. I am terrified of it, but I know I should be terrified of life without it.

So, that's my story. Thanks for reading. There's lots more to tell, but I think the general idea is there. Here's to a new beginning...