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- Animals - I have a golden retriever named Emma, and a calico cat named DeeDee.
- Family & Friends - I have a beautiful 4.5 year old named Julia. I don't want to embarrass her.
- Family & Friends - I have a wonderul, supportive husband that loves me no matter my size.
- Musical Performance - I play valve trombone, much to the chagrin of traditional trombonists.
- Teaching - I formerly taught elementary school for 5 years before having my little girl.
- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - I have it.
- Country - I'm in love with Keith Urban and my hubby is okay with it.
- WLS in your 30's - I'm hoping to have it before age 32, currently I'm 31.
? on January 8, 2009 12:25 pm
This blog entry is a little pointless. I thought maybe if I blogged, I would hold myself accountable. A lot has happened since my last post... ummm, I got pregnant 3 months after the band was placed because my infertility was reversed after a near 30# weight loss. I unfilled my band eight weeks into the pregnancy, as I had begun to actually feel it. My band remained empty for the duration of the healthy pregnancy. I only gained about 25#. I had a beautiful baby girl on March 14, 2008. I quickly lost the baby weight, as happened with my first pregnancy 6 years prior. I actually got down to 246#. But as I had suspected, it quickly started to come back on. When my daughter was 3 months old, I decided it was time to stop gaining, and get a fill. I was still nursing. The doctor worried that I shouldn't get a fill in order to meet caloric needs for my milk supply. Having never felt the band prior to pregnancy, I was convinced it wouldn't really make a difference anyway, and I had no worries... other than that I would continue to gain and fail at the band. I even asked her to give me 2ccs, since prior to pregnancy I had only begun to feel my band at 3ccs. She agreed. In the doc's office, they always have me sip water after a fill. I had never felt anything and wondered why I even bothered. Only this time, I knew after just one sip that something was definitely different. I felt something. However, I didn't say anything. I told myself that it would be fine and it was what I needed to control my eating. By the time I got home, swallowing just spit caused me pain. I knew something was really not right. I called the office at 5:00, closing time... but the nurse answered my call. She said to take it easy and I would be fine... to only use clear liquids. Thinking back, I don't know why I didn't argue, but I knew I couldn't even swallow clear liquids if I couldn't swallow spit without pain. By midnight I was frantic. I was in terrible pain, I could not sit or lie down. I even walked my neighborhood at midnight, hoping movement would make the pain stop. I called to page the doctor in tears. A nurse contacted me and told me that I would have to wait until morning to page the doctor, and that because I could talk, I was fine. Being a nursing mother that could not drink any fluid, I was so worried that I would not produce enough milk for my baby. I struggled with my supply anyway, and I could tell my breasts were not feeling fuller. By 6 a.m. I paged again, and the nurse finally agreed to contact the doctor. The doctor allowed the nurse to meet me at the office to remove my fill. Luckily, it was a successful unfill. At one point in the night, I thought I would pay anybody to jab a syringe in my and get the stupid slaine out. It was awful, and it scared me away from the thought of filling my band for a long time. So the weight gain continued. When my baby was 6 months old, I decided to try again. I got 1cc of saline in my band, and I can definitely feel it. The problem is, I'm not allowing myself to get in the game. I am realizing that when I got the surgery, I was ready. I had mentally prepared. My oldest daughter was very self sufficient. I was able to spend some time on myself. Now I'm right back where I was a number of years ago... a stay at home mom, lazy, trying to use whatever energy I have to take care of my baby. These are long, lonely days, and though the fill is working - I am cheating it. I seek sweets and foods that will go down easily. I will say that I do eat less than I once did, and the band slows me down. When we go to restaurants, I cannot eat near what I used to. Sometimes that's really frustrating. More frustrating is that if I would just stop when I can't get any more down, I would actually lose more weight. Instead, I look for sweet things. The doctor told me that this was why I should not get the band. I was so defiant with her, and explained that I would be able to kick this problem with the help of the band. I still think that is true, but it's not true right at this moment. I know that if I would exercise and stick to the program, I would be kicking ass and taking names. I just need to get my head together. The scale crept up to 268# prior to the 1cc fill a few months ago. I'm down to about 257# now. I don't think the fill will allow me to gain all that much, but I would really feel proud if I would get on the right path. I just watched The Biggest Loser this week, and saw the young boy that lost 30# in one week. It can be done. I can do it, I just have to make a plan. I like that the band is always there, for whenever we're ready to get back on track. There is no "window," and I know that when I get it together, the band is going to help me accomplish my goals.
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I got my fill... on April 15, 2007 6:06 pm
Yep. I had that heart to heart with my doc, and much to my surprise she listened and agreed to give me a fill. So, six weeks post-op, I have 1cc in my band. I can honestly say I don't feel any different, but I have read that it may not kick in until a while later, or perhaps nothing will change. Either way, I feel a step closer to achieving restriction. The scale moved a tad, and so my ticker officially notates a 26 pound loss. I feel very good about that, at 6 weeks out. Imagine what I could have done had I followed all of the rules precisely!!! Nah, let's not think about that... we'll just focus on moving forward. Baby steps. I took some photos today, and I do believe I can see a bit of difference, and that feels mighty fine. I hope this really works. If it does, I will tell you this... If I can do it, ANYONE can. That sounds cliche, I know. I never believe that phrase when someone says it - it never really applied to me. I am telling you, this 26 pound loss is somewhat of a miracle. It has not been that long of a road, and that's a pretty nice number. If you're considering weight loss surgery, I would strongly encourage you to give this a go before something less reversible.
That's all she wrote...
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My progress on April 2, 2007 10:39 am
So, today marks a month and a few days since my surgery. I have lost 22 pounds, but it fluctuates between 20 and 24 pounds. 22 is the happy medium.
I am waiting for my first fill, which is not scheduled until 12 weeks out of surgery... something rather rare compared to the stories on the board. I am hoping to have a heart to heart with my doc, to see if she will consider my situation individually, and see that these 22 pounds came off WAAAAYYYY back at the start of surgery (pre-op, really) and that I am just fighting to keep them off, rather than to continue to lose. I feel that I can eat anything. I would say that I may have some type of restriction, as I cannot eat as much as I used to... or at least I am unwilling to push that far and find out. I have really cut back on my soda intake, and so for all I know, the loss has come strictly from that. I have had a couple carbonated drinks here and there, but truly, it is so much less than before. I went a full 33 days with NONE, and only had a little on a sort of 3 day "binge," where I poured my dd's sippy cup half full and sipped from it slowly. I have NOT ordered soda at a restaurant, and the little that I did have is now out of my house, so I really haven't had any more. I feel really proud about that.
No one has noticed my weight loss, and that is difficult. I can't blame people, though, because I hardly notice it myself. My dh says that he definitely notices it along my sides and the backs of my legs, so those are odd places for other people to notice I guess. I will say though, that 2 years ago I was at my highest weight ever - 289# - and today I weigh 259#... that is a THIRTY pound loss, and I may be the only person that knows it, but that really feels good. I would think people would notice 30 pounds, but I guess if it comes off slowly enough, which it did, then maybe it's not very noteworthy.
I do feel the treats creeping in. A little chocolate here, a couple cookies there, etc. That's why I really want these fills to get started. I haven't made my mind up yet about what I think about this procedure. I don't even feel like I've had surgery at this point, except for seeing my scars and feeling my port. I really want the chance to feel restriction, and see some results. I'm not yet seeing the 1 -2 pound weekly loss that I am supposed to be satisfied with. I anxiously await that progress.
That's all for now. I've lived to tell the story, and I am making baby steps in the right direction.
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Mini-goals a joke on February 2, 2007 8:15 am
The title says it all. I have most definitely not met any of my mini-goals. I did it for about a week and then I got irritated and thought to myself, "Why on earth would I do this now while I still have the choice to eat things that are bad for me???" So, I haven't gone overboard, but I haven't changed my ways - the ways that got me here. Today is Friday, and this coming Tuesday we leave for Disney World. We return on the 11th, and then on the 16th I start my liquid pre-op diet. The lady telling me about my pre-op scheduling said, "Now, don't over-do it on vacation." Implying that I would eat like a pig. That pissed me off, though I didn't realize it was an insult until after I hung up the phone. Even if I wasn't obese, chances are I would gain weight on vacation because of eating out for every meal. It just rubbed me the wrong way. So, the 15th I have all the pre-op tests, which I'm not looking forward to. Oddly enough, I am looking forward to the pre-op diet. I know that in the 3rd day I will read this and think I'm an idiot for saying that, but I look forward to the weight loss and to proving to myself that I can do this. So that's where I'm at right now. As the date gets closer, I am sure I will be all frantic again. For right now, I feel peaceful.
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January 2nd on January 2, 2007 2:41 pm
Okay, so today starts some changes. I have a couple of mini goals that perhaps I will try harder to reach if I know that people are watching here.
1. no drinks with meals
2. daily vitamin
3. no eating out during the week
4. no pop, except for Sunday... work with me people
5. increase water intake
Today I took my vitamin, and didn't drink with lunch. I did drink the milk that was in my Kashi GoLean this morning, not sure if that counts. Hard to get in the water bc the way I was getting water in prior to this was to drink a full glass while eating. Somehow it went down easier bc I was thirsty while eating. So this is tough. No pop today. Ugh. This feels like a long road already.
Waiting for a date. Should be the last Wednesday in February. The holidays have my doc's office on hold. Maybe I'll hear from them tomorrow.
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I have been overweight all my life, even at birth. The genes on my dad's side seem to indicate that obesity runs in the family, particularly with the women. Unfortunately, obesity does not run on my mom's side of the family, and all of my young and adolescent life, she was about 120 lbs. and thought that I should be as well. She didn't hesitate to vocalize it. So even though I was heavy, I had a body image that matches my current weight today. I've never been "slight," and have always complained that I am dense. I do not carry "poofy" fat, it's heavy, thick fat. I can remember being weighed as a sophomore in high school and the scale said 170 lbs. I wanted to die. In hindsight, I was healthy and a size 12. Because of the constant scrutiny by my thin mother, I believed I was the size of a 300 lb. person. To look back at pictures now I can see someone totally different than I remember looking back at me. Remember the obesity genes I talked about? My mom's coin phrase growing up was, "You're going to look like Auntie Dar!" Well, Auntie Dar was quite heavy... possibly 300 lbs. I think I believe in self fulfilling prophecy, and I think that I have achieved it.
What seems to add insult to injury is that my relationship with my mother is better now. She was a smoking, drinking, manic depressive suffering from bi-polar disorder. As she became a grandmother, she really made an effort (because I finally had the guts to say something) to change. She quit smoking and drinking, and has gotten on medication and has now held a steady job for over 7 years. Because things are better now, I don't want to rehash the past. However, she has no idea that she treated me the way that she did. For the longest time she could not understand why we were not close. I'm an only child by the way. Since she has made such dramatic and positive changes, I have opened the door to her. I have not addressed the issues of the past. The interesting thing is that now she is older and has recently been diagnosed as diabetic. She is trying to control it with diet and exercise. She has gained about 70 lbs over the last 5 years. She is struggling with weight for the first time in her life. Her steady diet of cigarettes, alcohol and junk food has finally rebelled against her. Without the cigs and drinks, she is consuming real food and so she is starting to see what it's like. It makes me think back to the numerous meals she didn't cook for me growing up, and all the pop and crap that was in the house, and all the exercise that we didn't do. She did a lot of finger pointing as she smoked those cigarettes instead of eating. I can tell as I write that I have a lot of issues inside, but I am not sure that confronting her will be beneficial. The relationship is still volatile, and for the time being it's better this way.
I feel I have dieted myself to this current weight of 280+lbs. A major culprit was pregnancy. I specifically told myself not to gain too much weight during pregnancy. My conclusion is that skinny girls that get pregnant finally allow themselves to eat, which is why they gain so much weight. I gained 30 lbs during pregnancy, and I was okay with that. 2 weeks after delivery I was in a smaller pant size than prior to pregnancy. How strange is that? But six months later I was at my end of pregnancy weight, and now I'm a bit more than that. I have always found it difficult to lose weight. Most people nearing 300lbs would simply need to move their bodies a bit more and they would begin to see results. This past year, I exercised a minimum of 3 times a week, doing a quick paced 2 mile walk. In the past, I would quit after not seeing results in a month's time, but I had some divine intervention that gave me the will power not to give up. I bought an elliptical for the winter months. I didn't quit... until a year rolled around and I had only lost 17lbs. Since then, I've quit again. The story of my life. I have always given a great effort for the first month or two, but when there is no significant result, I stop and I eat more. I truly believe my body wants to keep this weight on. I definitely over eat, but not to the point that I have seen my obese friends do. I see people ordering double meals and double desserts. I have never been that person. I truly believe that my body needs to consume a very small amount of calories for me to lose the weight, and I feel that a tool to help me do that is going to be the lapband.
My obesity is definitely impacting more than just me. Intimacy with my husband is limited, and I feel terrible during the process. My husband loves me no matter how I look, but I cannot believe that, despite his endless efforts to tell me so.
I also believe that the obesity is causing some hygiene issues that contribute to the process I find intimacy to be. I feel I don't want anyone near me unless I've very recently showered, and so that removes all spontaneity.
It has been determined that my inability to conceive a second child is weight related. My specialist wasn't exactly compassionate when sharing this news with me. When I conceived my daughter, I had just been on Jenny Craig and lost 23lbs, taking me from 246lbs. to 223, and that's precisely when I got pregnant. The infertility specialist concluded that that was no coincidence. So now my obesity has severely impacted each member of my family. No second child for me or my husband, and no sibling for my daughter. This also impacts our plan to have had 2 children close in age so that we would be done and I would be back to work, thereby putting our finances back in order.
I have no energy to play with my 4 year old. I convince myself that I'm still a good mother because I don't do crack and so I am always sure to provide her with her basic needs and safety. Sign me up for mother of the year.
I suffer from depression because of all of this, and I am just praying that somehow this surgery is going to get me back on track. I am terrified of it, but I know I should be terrified of life without it.
So, that's my story. Thanks for reading. There's lots more to tell, but I think the general idea is there. Here's to a new beginning...