July 11, 2006 am starting the clinical weight loss program in August 2006. My goal is to have the surgery sometime in early 2007, which will be around my 34th b-day. My weight has been a huge struggle over the past few years. I have suffered from depression from a miscarriage, a failed relationship, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, hypothyroidism, and Lyme Disease. I almost forgot to mention, I also really love food. Obesity runs in my family, and so do all of the co-morbidities that go with it. I really do not want to be another statistic. My health has really went downhill ever since I contracted Lyme disease. I am constantly taking NSAIDS, and I sometimes have to take steroids for the inflammations it causes. Steroids make weight loss extremely difficult.  I have come to a point in my life where enough is enough. I believe that it is time for a drastic change. I know that I will have to work hard to make my dream a reality, but I am eager to succeed. I have to. This is my life; the only one I've got. I am doing this for me; and I am worth it.  I look forward to a day that I can stop taking all of these pills and feel healthy again.

September 12, 2006 I went to see the Pulmonologist two weeks ago.  He ordered me to do a "NOX" test.  They sent me home with a pulse oximiter to wear for one night. This tests to see if your oxygen saturation drops when you sleep.  It is a pretty good indicator that you have sleep apnea if your Oxygen sats drop. Mine did not. I do not have sleep apnea!  Yeah!  I also went to see the nutritionist last week. She went over what my portions are going to look like and how much water I need to get in every day.  Also, she went over my protein goals after surgery. Boy, does this ever seem like it is going to be a challenge. She says that I need to sip water every 15 minutes while I am awake, but not a half hour before or after a meal and never with a meal. I am a huge water drinker.  I guess I am going to be pretty thirsty for a while after surgery.  I am waiting for my surgeon to call me back to tell me when my cardiologist and psychiatric evals are scheduled for. Those will be my last two Dr evals on my list. I am two months into the clinical weight loss program. It is extremely challenging for me.  At first I thought it was ok, but I am growing bored with it. Admittedly, I am cheating alot more than I should. I have noticed that the plan is really hard on my GI tract. I have had more vomiting and diarrhea since I went on the low carb/high protein diet they suggested. That is the main reason for the cheating. I plan to talk to the Dr about this next week when I go for my next appt. Wish me luck. 

July 25 , 2006  Ok, I have the appts made for the nutritionist, pulmonologist, dietician, and cardiologist.  I am getting there!  I can"t wait to see what happens next! 

10/3/2006  Well, I have two more stops on my Dr list of evals: the cardiologist on 10/5/06, and the Psychologist in late November. 

1/1/2007  Wow, I was just looking back over the past entries.  I cannot believe that I started this back in July 2006, and I still have not had the surgery.  Currently I am awaiting insurance approval.  It took me six months to complete the clinical weight loss program and get all the other evaluations completed.   But now I am just waiting....Waiting for my surgery date to come.  I finally broke down and told my Nana that I am having the surgery.  At first I wasn't sure if I would tell her, but I did just this past Saturday.  I am glad that she was supportive.  Now the only people who know in my family are my parents, my fiance, and my nana, plus my best friend.  That is all that I plan to tell at this point.  I am struggling with the fact that I am not planning on telling my employer or my coworkers.  Right, now this is my biggest area of stress.  Of course I feel that the surgery will leave me very vulnerable.  I need my job and my insurance now, but will need it even more after the surgery.  I do not feel that they will be supportive and they will hold it against me if they know that I had our isurance pay for this type of surgery.  There have already been negative comments made in the office regarding obese people and gastic bypass surgery.  It really hurt me to hear these comments, and I know that it was possibly directed at me since I am the only obese person in the office.  Our last insurance company was Health America.  I was just starting evaluations in June of 2005 when I got notice from them that they would no longer cover gastric bypass surgery unless your employer purchased an additional rider, which mine did not.  We had in in-office discussion regarding this, and there was a comment made; "why should we pay for fat people to have gastric bypass surgery, they just need to stop eating".  I was very hurt by this comment.  This is the basis for why I fell certain that I will not receive any support from my employer or coworkers. This is also why I fear that if they ever find out that I am having this surgery under our new insurance, Highmark Blue Shield,  that they might blame me if the premiums ever go up .  I really resent that fact that I work with people that make me feel this way.

January 31st, 2007:  Well, my 34th birthday was just this past Monday, the 29th.  No, I do not feel any older, but I do feel like crap.  I hate getting up in the morning.  Mostly because it is nice and warm in bed, and I know it is very cold outside.  But, I know that I must face each day as it comes, no matter what.  This is my destiny,  I have to show my face to the world, that is why I am here.  I talked to the surgeon today.  They tenatively scheduled my surgery for Late February, but I am eager to postpone to early April to give me time to prepare and to have time to put back some more money.  I will let you know what is next. 

February 8, 2007: I am starting to get a bit stir crazy.  I am trying to prepare for my surgery and all of the "what-ifs".  I am getting in some last minute Dr appts, such as the Gynecologist, the Dentist, and the Eye Dr.  I still need to write up my living will,  buy my post-op foods, and then I think I am all set.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I wanna go shopping this weekend to get a robe, slippers, new sneakers, pajamas, and some underwear. I gotta have something nice to strut up and down those hospital hallways when I am walking.  With my luck, I will run into a bunch of people that I know.  I dont' want to look like crap when I do.   I am just going nuts trying to figure out if I have covered all of the bases. Well, I will right again after I meet with the surgeon next week.

February 18, 2007:  Today is a really depressing day for me.  My surgeon appt was cancelled due to a really bad snow and ice storm.  I have to reschedule this week.  It is icy and snowing and very cold outside today.  There is nothing to do now and I reverted back to bad behaviors and I over-ate.  I did all of my household chores and then we went out to get some Mexican food and go shopping.  I ate averything on my plate at the restaurant, and when we got back home, I ate again.  I am so full right now that I am miserable.   Why do I do this?  I know that I do not need more food, but I never seem to feel satisfied.  I know that part of the problem is that I am filling the void that I have inside.  I just do not know what that void is or where it came from.  I am so bummed out right now it isn't even funny.  I guess all I can hope for is that when I finally do have my surgery, I am able to get a better handle on this problem.  I know that I am killing myself when I overeat.  I am calling a psychologist so that I can talk about this problem before my surgery.  I do not want to have a crisis after surgery if I cannot eat like I am used to now.

March 7, 2007:  Well today was another day of demons.  I overate again.  I went out to lunch and I ate a cheeseburger and a grilled bacon chicken ranch sandwich with a small bag of chips, a whole string cheese, a bag of honey glazed cashews.  I washed it all down with a 32 oz diet coke.  Seems kinda silly to drink diet soda after all of that.  I searched long and hard to try to find the reason why I did this...No answer came.  The really scary part for me is the fact that I know in my mind, heart, and soul that what I am doing is wrong, but it is almost like the guilty feelings that I have when I act out in this manner seem to fuel the desire to continue this bad behavior.  I am literally stuck in a loop.  A vortex of evil if you will.  So what do I do now?  Well, I call that shrink and try to get in ASAP.  And I try really really hard to get a grip.  And I can try like hell to get my crap together because I know that my days are numered.  I am growing closer to the big day, and no matter what...I cannot blow it this time.  This is my on big chance to make things right in my life once and for all.  My one good fighting chance to get my life together and go out there and finally live my life, and not just go through the motions.  My time to kick some ass and take some numbers.  And I have no intention of blowing this whole thing on a chheseburger and a bag of chips.  So what am I waitin for?  Good question.  See I can truly talk a "good" talk.  But when it really comes down to it, I am a mess.  I just cannot seem to stay focused on the big picture all of the time.  And when I lose focus, that is when the big old cheeseburger creeps in and I eat it.  HELP!!!!!