ObesityHelp

Everyone talks about how excited they are about getting this surgery. I’m not really feeling excited. Sometimes I am, but I have to talk myself into it. Does this mean I don’t really want to do this? or that I am not ready? I have really been trying to figure myself out, and here is what I have come up with:

1. What I really want is to be able to continue doing whatever I want to do without any consequences. I realize this is not possible, and not very mature. Most people get past this stage by the age of 8. I can accept these facts, but I’m not excited about it.
2. I am having trouble mustering up the eternal hope and excitement for the 1,000,000 time…"this diet is gonna be so great, I will loose all of this weight and be so hot and in a bathing suit this summer"! I know this surgery is not another diet, and it will be different this time, but how many times have I allowed myself that internal dialogue, and then failed and been disappointed? I am having trouble understanding on an emotional level that this is going to be different.
3. I really think I am having a hard time giving myself permission to do this. There is still a HUGE, LOUD internal voice that keeps telling me that I should be able to just diet and exercise. Why can’t I just snap out of it and be like everyone else? What makes me think I won’t screw this up, too? Do I have the right to risk my health/life instead of just dieting like I should? Don’t I have a responsibility to my family/husband/kids?
4. I am sure there is some mourning process beginning. Food has been a friend and an ally since early childhood, and I am beginning the emotional process of letting that go.
5. I have to face the fact that there is some part of me that was okay with my weight and size. I have been this big my whole life. I am not saying I have enjoyed it, or that I want to stay this way. But for a long time, the price of being this fat was acceptable to me if I could continue to eat the way I eat. Or I would have changed what I was doing, or at least had the surgery 10 years ago when I first looked into it. The trouble is the price is getting higher and higher, and the reward/comfort of eating isn’t worth it so much any more.
6. And of course the surgery, anesthesia jitters and the fear of the unknown.

Bottom line, I don’t think any of this is an indication that I shouldn’t have surgery. Changing my life and how I eat is going to be work. Lots to learn, and feel. I think I am ready. "Willing" is the best I’ve got though, "Excited" is gonna take some more time.

So I went to see my new MD for the first time.  He is such a loving Grandpa-man.  He was pretty horrified to hear that I've never had an EKG, or even a chest x-ray.  My Grandfather (my mother's father) has had 3 or 4 major heart attacks and really needs another quad bypass, but they can't do that for him for the 4th time (!!!!).  My father died at age 58 from end-stage diabetes, multiple organ failure, and congestive heart failure. Really he died from obesity. His mother died from a major heart attack at age 60.  My mother is in congestive heart failure, not just cuz she's overweight but because she has an inefficient electrical connection in her heart so it doesn't pump very efficiently. Now that she's old enough for her blood pressure to be elevated, she's in atrial fibrulation (her heart just quivers sometimes, instead of pumping). 
Okay, so with this family history I smoked for 25 years. And here I am in this poor guys office, having never been given so much as an EKG!! It's amazing they don't fire up the crash cart when they see me walking into the office!!! And EVERYBODY in my family gets diabetes in their early 40s. 
Needless to say, I am going to get to know the medical community in Orange County in the next few weeks.  I also discovered that I am getting to be an old broad. He want's me to get my first mammogram. ***SIGH****.
The next stop on my list was to the Nutritionist.  I told her that everyone on the boards abbreviates nutritionist as NUT.  So there are all these posts that say "okay, just stay calm and call the nut tomarrow". Pretty funny. 
Feels like I have totally fallen down a rabbit hole to have an adult conversation about eating and food! She spent 45 minutes with me, asked about my eating habits now, asked what is going on in my life, asked me what I thought I might be able to change, what do I want to start with.... Freaky.  I swear to god, the last doc I tried to talk to about my wieght didn't ask me anything, gave me a 20 minute lecture on how to bake a zuchinni. 
So the goal this month is 1) Walk my dog for 10 minutes at least 3 times a week. 2) Carry my lunch to work, instead of the drive thru, at least 3 times a week  and 3)Drive thru dinners no more than 2 times per week.  Realistic. doable.
Oh and a food diary.  Jeez.  Really hard to do this one.  I am forced to face how secretive, ashamed I am about how I eat.  I don't really know what normal is, but I ain't it for sure.  I am struggling with it, but doing it.  The secrecy is such drug addict/eating disorder behaviour and I am suprised by that.
Still need to track down the Physical Therapist at the hospital that works with Bariatric surgery patients, and I need to get to a support group meeting next week and get my little card signed.  That's all of the disciplines in my "multi-discipline" pre-op program for my insurance.  Jumping through the hoops like a big, wet seal. And I really am learning a lot. ....