Hello to the world of WLS on February 6, 2006 12:00 am
Feb. 6, 2006
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I am a 32 year old, 5' 7'', 260lb. (not even my highest) married, mother of 2. I have been visiting this site for about 2 years now. Reading lots of profiles and relating to the pre-op stories and hearing about how peoples lives have turned completely around for the better. I have known several people who have had WLS. And I am very seriously considering it for me.
I have been heavy my whole life. I had VERY breifly lost 40lbs. when I was 16, but again, that was breifly. and i think it was eisier then cause i was young and i had never attempted to lose weight before then. But from then on it was struggle after struggle, with no real success beyond about 20 lbs. And that was a major accomplishment. I think this constant fight to lose this weight has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. You tend to feel like you will just die fat, unhappy, and never knowing what this thing called "life" is that everyone is raving about. Never know what it is like to be "normal"
Beyond the comments, (some worse than others),the teasing, and the poor treatment from others, I never really had too many physical problems up until a few years ago. Except for the whole fact that it is difficult to do much physical activity for any length of time beyond maybe 2-5 minutes. and then you feel as though you are at deaths door until you catch your breath.
I was made fun of, and still get made fun of occasionally. But mostly now i just get the whole "invisible" thing. I always feel that most people don't see me as a productive person with a brain, a valid thought, feelings. What i say never matters. It's like when you are heavy, when you speak, it's as though you said nothing at all. any talent you may have, no matter how good, really doesn't exist, cause you are fat. You are never included, forgotten, passed over, always last, I am sure all reading can relate.
And although they act as though you are invisible, they still scrutinize you for all you do. If you are sitting, If you are eating. WHAT you are eating. the clothes you wear. I am tired of feeling like I am just not acceptable. I was watching a Tyra Banks show one day and she happened to be wearing a fat suit. During her lunch break she went into a trailer and had something to eat. ans she said it best when she put it this way: Even though I knew all the people around me, when i went to eat lunch, i felt like i was being judged for eating! not for what I was eating or how much, but that i was eating at all!"
I sat and cried for the longest time, cause that is how i feel every time i eat in public. And when I am alone, I feel the same way about me. It sucks. I want to not be a slave to food or the mental destruction it brings. I want to be healthy and happy. I know life brings challenges, but I KNOW that a lot of things would be easier and bring more happiness if i could eliminate this weight and the problems associated with it. I want to play with my kids. I want to actually WANT to go out into the world and not hide. I want to feel confident and motivated in a job search and actually go and apply for more lucrative jobs. all overweight people know exactly what I am talking about. I want to feel like I belong.
I do get very serious bouts of depression. for the most part, I like to have a positive outlook, but i feel as though sometimes this weight "outweighs" (haha) the positive. overtakes it. crushes it.
I am hoping that after all this time reading others profiles, that by my finally making a profile on here, i am taking my very first little baby step toward a new me. I would like to get the Lap band. I have been researching the different styles for a long time, and i have decided that would be the best route for me.
I have a few more things I have to take care of before taking the next step, but I am convinced i will not stop until I am a lighter, happier, contented, me.
I want to add a list of the things i dream of doing someday. I have seen lists on other profiles and i liked reading them:
*play with my 2 year old
*get up off the floor without a 10 minute struggle
*run and not worry if someone might actually see me
*see myself in a mirror and not get disgusted with my own reflection
*actually enjoy getting a picture taken of me
*be rid of the pain in my knees
*not be a constant slave to food
*buy actual lengerie instead of a foundation garment
*not be ashamed in front of my husband
*not be terrified of a bathing suit
*be able to tolerate above 70 degree weather without sweating like a horse
*go somewhere and not be afraid everyone is looking at me
*go somewhere and be ok if everyone IS looking at me
*have my husband be jealous that someone is checking me out instead of me being jealous of all the girls i know he is looking at. (no offense to him, he is a good guy, but he is STILL a guy)
*wear shorts, a tank top, or a summer sleeveless sheath without feeling like a stuffed sausage!
*shop in the misses section of any store anywhere and find something cute, on sale, that actually fits me!
*look forward to excersizing
*look forward to going out at all
*walk in high heels and not be in excruciating pain within 5 minutes
*wear a sexy formal dress
*wear sexy anything!
*be confident and get a good job with good pay
*never be on a "diet" again
*NOT WORRY ABOUT DYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
I look at this list and it all seems like one of those infomercials in the middle of the night that promises all sorts of stuff and you think to yourself: "thats impossible."
Thats how it seems now. I hope that one day i will look back and read this and be able to say i can do or have done every one of these things and much much more!!!!