Spilling my thoughts on December 21, 2007 12:20 am
Well, hello to anyone who might be reading this!
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I had a few things happen this week that made me want to come here and "talk" about it. I can't really talk about my "weight issues" to anyone, cause I'm the biggest one in my little circle of people I know. When I say "weight issues", I am including all, like the mental along with the physical. This is kind of my therapy.
Things in general have been pretty good this week, but I am just so very angry at my body. I have just noticed every single day, I show more and more signs of aging. It really upsets me, because I feel like I have been somehow cheated out of youth. From the time of childhood, everyone thought I was older than I was, then in my teen years, and then, I had my son when I was barely 19, so that will make you grow up real quick. So it was "responsible parent" from them on, up until now. And of course after my son was born, it was like I aged 10 years in 2 weeks time. Something happened to my body. Everything from my hair, skin, and nails changed. And of course I was heavy all that time. Now here it is, 15 years later. I am only 34. I feel like I am 40+. I have all the aches and pains, can barely get up from a kneeling position without severe pain in my knees. I had a little girl 4 years ago when I was 30. Something happened after she was born too! what I had left, got worse! my hair started falling out a bit, lost its luster, my teeth really started having problems, my skin lost its elasticity almost immediately after, and I started having cramps with my TOM, which I have NEVER really had a problem with in the past. I am also noticing wrinkles just taking over my face, my skin getting crepe-y and my hands are starting to look very old.
The other day, I was lucky enough to get a few minutes of alone time, and I was just noticing this stuff and it really started to bother me. I feel like I have always been old before my time. And this weight does not help one bit. I read so many blogs about how after the weight is gone, they are able to live again. They feel so young and energetic. I always feel so old and run down. I want to salvage what youth I may still have locked away under this bondage of fat. I want to feel youthful and alive.
Also, something else happened this week that really struck me. I had actually been not eating very much, kind of nibbling, moreso. I know I was eating less than I normally do, and not really like I was trying, it was just happening on its own. I would take a few bites of something and be done with it until the next time hunger hit me. Well, the other day, I made my husband some frozen Beef and Broccoli frozen chinese food for his lunch. I had never tried that particular product before, and thought I would give it a shot. So I cook it, and it smells pretty good. Well, my hubby doesn't really eat broccoli much, so after it was done, I decided to eat most of the broccoli pieces. Turns out there were quite a few. I try it. It is pretty good! I pick out the broccoli, eat them, and after eating about half of the pieces in there, I get full. But I take a few more bites. By this time, I am really full. But I still eat a few more bites. Now I am so full, I am in pain. But yet, I still eat more. I could not stop. Literally could not stop. I was in pain, and literally on the verge of vomiting, but still trying to eat it.
the weirdest part about it was, that it seemed I was not under my own control at that point, like my mind was telling me to stop, I NEEDED to stop, but something inside me would not stop. It was kind of scary. My stomach was literally in pain, but after my hubby had come home, eaten his lunch, there was several bites left. Guess What I did after he left. Yep, dangerously full, but ate every last bite of this stuff. And it wasn't even like the best thing I had ever tasted! I mean, It was good, but not great or anything!I I literally could not stop. I could almost hear the argument going on in my head between my my senses and my addiction.
After it was all gone, I stumbled over to my chair and sat there in pain and asked myself over and over why I did that. I did not have an explanation. It was so weird. I kept telling myself I needed to stop. My addiction would override me. All the willpower I could have possibly mustered would not have been able to keep me from doing it, that is how strong it was. It was almost like an instinct. That is the only way I can describe it. That is not the first time that has happened to me either. It doesn't happen everyday, but I can guarantee it happens about 5 times a year. I realized that what I have is truly what I have been calling it. An addiction. And no skeptics rationalizations will ever make me believe otherwise. What I felt was completely uncontrollable. I did not like it at all. I really need help.
On that note, I will update you on my lap band quest. I have now convinced my wonderful husband that if we were ever in a position where either I get insurance that would cover it or if we have the means to pay for it, he would support me in getting it done! This is a major step! Of course those two conditions at this point seem impossible, but who knows! But like I had said, I am getting a little frustrated in thinking that It will take so long that the damage will already be done. I think the thing that bothers me the most, is I have this beautiful little 4 year old girl, who is full of energy all day long and needs constant interaction, and I just literally don't have the energy for her. She was a surprise for my husband and me, and we weren't expecting her. I was just getting my son self sufficient, and here comes another one! I have been a parent for 15 straight years, and I feel like I have another 15 to go till my little one is an adult...that is 30 years of my life just raising kids! After I never had a youth of my own! I am tired! I literally do not have the energy that poor little girl needs me to have to have the best upbringing that she can, and it makes me feel so guilty and awful!
I get so disheartened cause I will try to make a change in either my eating habits or adding excersize, but the results are that I will literally GAIN weight every time! Every time! And even before this eating binge I went on the other day, I hadn't done anything much different, but I had added a few little excersizes during the day, just small ones, and I gained 5 lbs! I am now exactly what I was when I was at my heaviest before. It is so upsetting and depressing. I am as fat as I have ever been and I can't seem to do anything about it. I am as tired and worn out as I have ever been. I am as old as I have ever been and not getting one second younger. If this keeps up, I will not have any knees left to have a life with if I ever get the surgery like I dream of. ***sighhhhh***
well, I am getting sleepy, So I will go drag my fat body in to bed so that I can wake up 3 times because my knees are bugging me so bad while I am trying to sleep............