Really there should be a site for the dating rules book- OH YEA- I forgot there are no longer rules it's a take and give what you want world now. I wish I had rules to play by that would guide me through the MENTAL CRAZIES of dating. OK they said to talk to a counselor for reentry and dealing with history issues. I am and now fell even more confused at times !! I guess because without rules I have to FEEL my way through. I always did what was expected and still felt empty and did not say or do anything to rock the BOAT- I want something REAL this time for ME ( not the make believe step-ford type)!!!!!
     I got a CD by Kelly Clarkston( STRONGER) Nice music but the song calling to me most often is Darkside........can we really be accepted until we take someone there and they STAY? He saw my OLD pics and still likes me, no overly weird reactions to my diet style.Even after seeing me in a bathing suit with the ugly spots showing he has stayed . now to accept myself enough-          GOAL for the present LIKE MYSELF and explore ME.  

      I received a call today , once again asking if I would represent the Bariatric program at GMC ( my Hospital). This is exciting and OF COURSE I said Yes!! I really fell the support system for the Hospital helps and makes the process easier. So weird thinking I have been 2 yrs since my surgery. I also feel that by being on O.H. I have extra support in all the other Geriatric patients in different stages of surgery and pre/ post op. I want all to know I value YOUR support.

         " Carbo caller"             is alive and well in my Psyche..... Monday really SUCKED ! I had Physical therapy for knee ( 2.5 wks post op)  they drained another 60 plus cc's followed by Ultrasound to rule out blood clot in left leg.  Spent my day sucking down sweet tea and snacking. I was running a crazy schedule as the appointments for me were scheduled between having my Mother found unconscious and in severe pain . Since then she was admitted to Hospital with painful Colitis and diverticulitis, needless to say going down a very dangerous walkway. Due to all this I am facing how I really am an emotional eater and when I try to decline the calling I am forced to deal with the stress. As I texted a support person I was loosing it,  tears all around  ( why cant I be the rabbit that cries diamonds? if I was I might be inclined to actually have emotions rather than stuff them down), since the previous funny input and lack or truth in obtaining the above request I guess I have to deal and realize I have waterproof mascara for a reason. 
           I guess it is confession time-  I ate turkey with gravy on mashed potatoes leftovers to turn around and eat pizza cheesy bread and cinnamon bread too . All this was eaten in one hour. so much for being careful- I was stressed and that was more important to  ME while it was happening. I had even explained to my daughters boyfriend I was the EMOTIONAL EATER but still ate WTFIA      ( what the Fool I am - my own invention) First step to a better reality is my admission and recognition of the issue! Next deal is to stop before the next time - trying to improve myself one step at a time. Mistakes are not the exit it's a start over  . I guess confession is good for the soul  and tomorrow is another day to try better.     

        I am a recovering ADDICT- to food, sugar, laziness!!!! Well laugh at me as you will- I have always craved carbs, sugar, time to do nothing . Funny thing is I do now understand the cross addiction. Now I am addicted to HEALTHY ! Being cooped up and unable to work out is driving me the last mile to crazy-ville ( OK it's a multiple stop daily trip) I never realized how much I really am into being Healthier.I crave the exercise, vegetables ( mass quantities) ,Vitamin  water, Protein drinks. @ 1/2 yrs ago there was no way I would pay their price for Smoothie King drinks. I crave the gladiator , not the male toga wearing type( different conversation for later) My likes and dislikes have changed in sooooooo.... many ways . Not being able to exercise and missing it seems crazy.
     Putting my health and self before others has been quite the lesson. Occasionally I feel guilt, even so it  I am happy to be placing more significance on ME. If I was to never lose another pound - I have gained a better understanding of myself- PRICELESS. Now the goal is to remain MYSELF and knowledge of my self worth. So may I wish all the learning on everyone else.    

     Well knee surgery is done. Not what the doctor thought it would be, my arthritis is the culprit and all behind the knee was schredded tissue. I now have appointment with Rheumatology seeing as the culprit has returned. I am really nervous as I can't take half of the meds given to me previously( as they were NSAIDS). Any suggestions on preventive meds not in the NSAID family???
The knee and thigh are now 2 inches different due to swelling, I am up and can put some weight on my knee , but cringe so often waiting for the pain . Just a reminder how we really need to cherish the body in all it's wonder.
     It's official I am GIGI, my grandson was born at7:45 pm on 3/14 weighing 7 pounds and 8 ounces. Life seems so weird. I am glad I will be around to have the opportunities I thought I was not gonna live to see. THANK YOU  Dr Richards( and the support staff) for helping me achieve the living again . I am now starting to take a stand and facing some of the things I had pushed down to avoid dealing with at the time. Any suggestions on how to stop craving food and sweets through the psych issues? I really do not want to gain weight.