132 days until new ins.

As a pre-op, I often think we are taught to hate our bodies - perhaps so we have the incentive to lose weight. While I still hate the things I am limited in doing, I'm going to start loving the body I'm in.

I choose to love my feet that are strong enough to carry this body around. I choose to love my belly that is a warm place for my fur baby to snuggle. I choose to love my fat that gives me insulation in cold weather. I choose to love my ears that help me be a good, listening friend. I choose to love my ample behind, that cushions every seat for me. I choose to love my arms that can offer hugs of joy or sorrow. I choose to love my hands that can create and express and soothe. I choose to love all 380 pounds of myself. And that is freeing - because it is the first time in my life I have been brave enough to say my weight out loud.

145 days till new ins!
I had the most amazing vacation - I stayed for 2 weeks with my mum in Ohio. I swam a lot and have a new "can't wait to do" to add to my after surgery list - jump off the diving board!! My mum's diving board has a 200 pound weight limit and I want to be small again to actually use it! A funny story: My scrawny 9 year old nephew was swimming and kept watching me easily float in the deep end - no treading water needed! After a while he said, "Aunt Kelly, I've been watching and watching and I can't figure out how you float without moving your feet!" I told him I had a natural flotation device implanted under my skin - he didn't get it, but my mum nearly drowned laughing. I've been heavy so long that I really can't remember what it was like when I had to work at staying afloat.

I got to have a great conversation with my dad and stepmom when I was home. When I visit, it is sort of tradition that they cook a great meal. During one visit my dad made his famous grilled chicken with thick, honey based BBQ sauce. It was so delicious and I mentioned that it would probably be the last time I would get to eat his chicken w/ BBQ sauce, because it has such a high sugar content. He got a serious look and asked if I was really ready for the change surgery would bring. We are a family that communicates, celebrates, mournes, and shows affection through food - he was having a hard time imagining my life without that. He said it seemed to him like it would be a lot to miss out on. I told him I am already missing so much of LIFE in this big body that limits my activities, it seemed worth the price to me. I assured him that I have done such research, and will continue trying to learn all that I can before surgery - and I knew it would be a HUGE change - but not without HUGE reward. I also jokingly promised I would still come visit him even if I couldn't eat his food - lol! It is comforting to know that he can be so supportive even though he is so concerned about me.

I did find myself opening up about "after weightloss" w/ my mum more than I have with anyone else. To be truthful, I am terrified to imagine life after WLS - I'm so afraid of being disappointed if for some reason it doesn't happen. But with my mum, it was fun to dream and imagine just a little bit. I told her I really wanted a trip to Cedar Point (a HUGE amusement park) so that I could ride everything I had missed out on in the last 15 years. I also told her I would be taking some of the clothes back that I lent her years ago - lol!

I did find that I missed OH very much during my vacation. I missed signing surgery pages, and saying good morning to Randall, and viewing Jay's "cute" pics. It is good to be back. I know I have months to go yet, before surgery. But already, almost a whole summer goes by - and it didn't pass as slowly as I thought it would!