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Goals
Category: Health 13 People in progress, 1 Person achieved this |
Category: Health 8 People in progress, 1 Person achieved this |
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Member Interests
- Fitness & Exercise - Love the gym now! Especially the eliptical machine!
- Fish - have one beta named Mr. Bubbles
- Cats - have one cat named Miss Jynx
- Dogs - I have two beautiful girls (Megan Siberian Huskey and Sydney Aussie cattle dog)
- Adoption - would like to eventually adopt one of these days
- Meeting People - now that I've lost weight, I enjoy other peoples company
- Jet Skiing - love to jet ski can't wait for summer!
- Hockey - big hockey fan! Go AVE's!
- Jewely Making - gotten into beading jewelry and it's addictive!
- WLS in your 30's
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I'm still a work in progress!
I tried to keep a vegetarian menu 4 days ago
 I honestly gave my vegetarian menu an honest go. I haven't really felt well all week and I've been really ran down and very very tired. I have been fighting my insomnia again this week and it has been rough!! Last night I went to bed at 1100pm after I got my exercise in and cleaned up the house. I laid awake in bed until about 430am or so and then I had to get up and go to work at 6am. I've also noticed that I've been real agitated and kinda moody...gee I wonder if it is associated to no sleep (duh) or I was also wondering if it is associated to menopausal problems (I felt like I was in a microwave oven with my hot flashes today) I had my hysterectomy years ago and I went on the vivelle patch (called it my happy patch), which really regulated my moods and I felt good. But with HRT, you hear all sorts of bad juju so I quit taking it and I haven't taken anything for menopause in such a long long time. Anyone know about estroven??????or any over the counter natural products I can take?? Since I've been having hot flashes and what not, I've also been bloated especially in my lower abdomen. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't go see my ob/gyn. GRRR frustrating. Yep lots of thing frustrate me right now....lots. Number one: the economy. makes you wonder what is going to happen to all of us. It's just really sad. That could be part of why I couldn't sleep last night either. I think of people alot less fortunate then me and wonder how are they going to make it? Or what about the seniors who are on fixed incomes and what's going to happen when inflation really really hits hard. Crap, I went and bought 6 peaches at the store and that almost cost me 5 bucks! Un freaking BELIEVe able!!! This is a big big boo boo that a band aid simply isn't going to help. What got me was when Bush said....if we don't pass this....the value of your home will plumet and businesses will close...ummmm HELLO where has he been or what planet has he been living on for the past year?? In my town, Dillards went out of business at the mall (big staple at the mall) Pizza hut in the mall parking lot went out, Outback Steakhouse, our Kmart is closing.....and not to mention the housing situation. We have so many foreclosures in our area that it brought our property value down down. We looked at selling back in March and were told that we would be lucky to get 88,000 and we bought it for 120 and we owe close to 150...the neighborhood and the quality of the people living here is down..creeps live around here. But what do you do? Just hope for the best I guess. Oh and yes..I know two people who I am close to who have lost their homes in foreclosure because of the ARMs and couldn't refinance to keep their homes. What is going on? Something has to give. I guess I could go on and on and on. It's a scary place to be right now. Hopefully our economy won't collapse. I say my prayers everynight. Okay so this rant is done.......
Back to food. I vowed to stay away from meat. well I broke that tonight and have a cobb salad with turkey. I didn't eat much of it but I feel a bit better by having the protein from meat. I don't think getting my protein from soy and dairy isn't doing much for me right now. But I've just got to re-evaluate things I guess. I'll figure it out!
Saturday and all was fair on September 20, 2008 7:20 pm
Today was okay. I started out my day by doing a mile on the treadmill. I also asked Mike to go on a bikeride with me. I was expecting to just go around the neighborhood but he suprised me by loading up the bikes in the car and drove to the Poudre Trail. We rode about 10 miles. I wasn't tired but my tailbone really was hurting bad. I still don't have any meat right there and it's just bone and it kills me to sit anywhere for long periods of time. I made it through it and tried not to complain because it was such a nice suprise and gesture. We also went to the movies today and saw My Best Friend's Girl. It was good. I really really love Dane Cook so that made the movie even better for me. But then again by sitting it killed my tailbone lol.
As far as the diet went today..so so
All vitamins in..this is what I take every single day!!! 2 centrum chewables, 2 childrens gummy vitamins with calcium and vitamin D, 6 sprays of vitamin B12,2 calcitrates with magnesium.
So this is what I've eaten today:
Breakfast: 1 Fiber One bar (chocolate and strawberry)
Snack: 1 applesauce
Lunch: 1 baby cup of red beans and rice/tomatoes,corn
Snack: 1 Kashi TLC cookie
MOVIE: 1 small popcorn
Dinner: 2 pieces of potato skins with the bacon scraped off/1 small chili rellano
Snack: apple then a small ice cream cone from McDonalds
and lets see..I also had another TLC cookie :( :(
GRRRRRRr snacking kills me. I need to watch that...or maybe I should call it grazing???
Got knocked down but got up again on September 19, 2008 4:58 pm
 Yep yesterday sucked one but I picked myself back up and got it together. So here I am day number two without meat! My mom isn't eating it either. So what am I eating??
Okay,
Well for example here's todays menu.
Breakfast: Slim Fast carb control
Snack: Peach
Lunch: Morning Star Farm Ginger stick rice pattie with soy protein and vegetables (pretty tasty!! looked scarry but very very good and the portion size was perfect..size of a hockey puck) and some sunflower seeds.
Snack: Khashi TLC flaxseed and oatmeal cookie (also nummy)
Dinner..I'm eating it now..served in a baby bowl and eating it with a baby spoon...my twist on red beans and rice and it turned out awesome!!
1 can of red beans
1 cup of corn
1 can of rotel tomatoes
1 bag of brown rice
sprinkle dehydrated onions
a tad of vegetable oil
and tony's blackened chicken spices to your liking and voila! DINNER!
I also took all of my vitamins today and walked 2 miles and biked 3 miles on my bike :) I'm trying here!
Fell off the wagon..... on September 18, 2008 1:43 pm
Things were going pretty good this morning I started my day off with a slim fast drink..then I went to Walmart Was doing good until......I went down the chips aisle. I should have just stayed the heck away from there. My brain ended up overriding my pouch and convinced myself that I wanted some 4 cheese Dorittos :( and some of those nut bar things with peanut butter in the middle. After I paid for my groceries, I tore into both things had a handful of chips and a nut bar. Then for lunch, I had a TLC cookie from Khashi that has flax seeds and other good stuff for you in it then a peach. Not feeling so hot right now.
Even the lady that checked me out at Walmart was like wow all this healthy stuff and I guess you're allowed these two junk food items. GRRR shouldda put them back. Overall, I did a good shopping plan. I got alot of things so I can make some red beans and rice (whole grain brown rice), alot of can goods (tomatoes, beans, spaghetti sauce, pasta,chili and creole seasonings), apples, peaches, sunflower seeds, sesame sticks, oatmeal, peanut butter, soy products (morning star rice patties,soy sausages) and vegetables.
I felt real bad for alot of people in the store. I overheard quite a few of them talking about if they had enough money or not to afford a can of this or that or noticing how high the grocery prices have gotten. I also noticed that at least at this particular store even the generic brand had gone up to almost compare to the name brand products. Also, it seemed like there were fewer brands to choose from.
The rest of the plan for the day is to go to the gym and keep fighting to clean up the clutter! Todays agenda is to clean the office even though the MR says he'll get to it. I've been waiting for him to get to it for months!
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PETA on September 17, 2008 9:34 pm
I was looking at new stories and ran across a Peta story where investigators uncovered and witnessed animal abuses on a farm which supplies pork to Hormel. What I saw on the video on the PETA website rattled me to the core. I am not only disturbed by it but also extremely disgusted by it. Poor innocent defenseless creatures. Just so sickening and so so sad. After watching the video, I saw others that they had on the site concerning cows, chickens, turkeys, fish, and even the fur trade in China (really bad..skin the animals alive and they eventually die a very violent and suffering death). I'm seriously SERIOUSLY thinking about going vegetarian. I'm still sick to my stomach about thinking about those images. I think I would be perfectly okay to never have another hamburger or steak or chicken sandwich. I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to obtain a protein source. I'm also sure that some people will disagree with this but my gosh, I just feel horrible. I pass by a turkey farm every morning when I go to work and when I come home..I always think about how their living conditions are in there and how life must be really crappy for them. And I also live near the Swift Plant and there is no shortage of big rigs with loads of cattle in the rear. I think about how humanely that they are treated..or even the chickens, I see those too..just crammed in little bity crates. What a sad existence for these creatures. I guess I'm just on one of my rants again but for people who abuse and torture animals that can't defend themselves and depend on people to care for them...it just makes me ill and there is no excuse for it and hopefully the men in the pig video are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. They are a disgrace.
Just had to get that off my chest...
I was almost sucessful in my efforts to stay on my liquids. I ended up cracking last night and I really needed something to eat and the liquids weren't doing it for my blood sugar. I was getting all shaky and nauseated..low 90's. So I gave in and had a teriaki flavored chicken breast *now I feel sick to my stomach mentioning it...ewww.
Today started out okay...skim milk for breakfast and then went downhill from there...went to McGraff's....split Pepperjack wontons with my mom and we also split a personal sized pizza..ate one slice and took the rest home..then had another slice for dinner and a bit of popcorn for snack
ToDaY iS oVeR Tomorrow is a new day..I'm determined to not let this get me down. On an up side though I did get all my water in and took my vitamins.
Archive
My Story | MY STORY BEGINS BELOW, Just scroll down..lots of pictures along the way. Old profile (unsure how to get it on here so it looks nice) Thanks for reading :) | |
Here's a few pictures of me. I also have some at the bottom of my profile. The picture at the zoo was taken in February 2006 and was at 177lbs. The other picture was taken in December 2005..196 lbs.Just click the picture to see bigger...I know they are small.
Hello everyone, my name is Bridgett and I'm a 32 years old. I have been struggling with my weight most of my life. My nickname when I was younger was "beefy" and still is according to my uncle. My genetics are particulary bad. Type I and Type II diabetes runs on both sides of the family and so does the infamous high blood pressure and heart disease. I came into this world as a sick premature infant and progressed into becoming an ill and obese adult.
I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma, sleep apnea, edema, kidney problems,acid reflux disease, PCOD, endometriosis and adhesions. Could anything else be wrong with me?? I ended up having to have a total hysterectomy by the time I was 30. I always wanted children but I wanted to wait until I was 30 to make a decision and I figured my body had decided to make that decision for me. I still blame my diabetes and my obesity for the loss of my choice.
I bounced back from the hysterectomy quickly but then my diabetes took a turn for the worse. I was maxed out on my medication and boy was I gaining weight rapidly. My internal medicine doctor said that the type of diabetes that I have is a difficulty type to control and that my body has just quick working for me, despite my daily exercising and kinda watching what I was eating. He said that the gastric bypass surgery may be something that I may want to check into.
In March of 2005, I had my appointment with Dr. Tillquist to discuss if this surgery would be right for me. I had tried everything to loose weight: Weight Watchers (plenty of times since the age of 14), Jenny Craig, Nutrasystem, Phen-Phen, Xenical,Curves,South Beach and numerous other things. Loosing weight is important to me but back in March, I was desperate to just feel good. The diabetes was killing me..slowly. In March, my weight topped 256 lbs on my 5'8 frame. Not only was I not feeling well, I didn't look well either. I felt like a stuffed sausage in my jeans. I was also depressed.
I was all set for surgery to happen on May 10, 2005. However, Unitedhealthcare denied my surgery, despite the medical necessity of it. I am still angry with them to this day for not approving my surgery. I fought them all the way up the appeal ladder and my internal medicine doctor also wrote a letter on my behalf (someone who had no gain in this), all of the creative appeals that we came up with didn't do any good. On my last appeal Unitedhealthcare said they wouldn't cover anything related to my surgery if I became sick. Sooo lets just say I dropped them in 2006! YAY! My parents have been a real blessing for me. They paid out of pocket for my surgery and saved my life! If it weren't for them, I don't know what I would have done...just had a miserable existence.
I had my surgery on October 13, 2005. I remember sitting in the preop room crying and asking them if I am making the right decision and what happens if this doesn't work. I was so scared. My parents said to me "this is the right choice for you and it has to be done to give you a chance". Boy were they right! The first week, I was done with all prescription medications.The first month I think was the hardest. I was sore and tired. I am on my third month Post Op and I'm doing well. I am down to 184 pounds from 256. I went from wearing a tight pair of 20w pants to a comfortable 10 (depending on the cut), tight 2x top to a comfortable large and 2x underware to a m/6. I just feel awesome! I am able to run a mile without stopping and for the first time, last month, I was able to participate in my departments physical fitness test without a doctors restriction. I am on my way to wellness and I thank god that I was able to have this done. It saved my life!
Here are a few before pictures~ 256 lbs..UNHAPPY and UNHEALTHY
1st one was taken in Mazatlan 2000. The others are from 2002-2004.
| B | Bold | | R | Relaxing | | I | Industrious | | D | Dramatic | | G | Gorgeous | | E | Easy | | T | Tame | | T | Tasty |
Name / Username:
Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
| How to make a bridgett |
Ingredients:
1 part anger
1 part brilliance
1 part beauty |
Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add lovability to taste! Do not overindulge! |
Username:
Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com
Feb 4th, 2006
Boy am I sore! I had range training all week long and my muscles in my body have had it! I know it's going to take me awhile to build up my muscle strength again..it's hard for me to hold up the shotgun and the rifle..I was so embarassed to be out there with the guys and having my hands shake because things were too heavy. My department has been great and supportive. I saw someone who I hadn't seen in a few years because we work opposite shifts and he said WOW you don't look like you anymore he said you're getting petite! ME PETITE??!! No way!
I had my doctor appointment last week and I'm down to 177lbs, which brings things to a grand total of 79 lbs gone. I told him that I just don't know how to handle the compliments. I told him that I just don't see the changes yet and that I still see a fat person. He said well you are going to be the last person to notice the changes. I mean, I see it in my face but my body still looks fat to me, even though I know I'm in smaller sizes.
I find it strange how people treat me now. When I go into a store, people come up and talk to me or when I'm walking, they look at me and say hi. Before, it was like I was invisible. It's just hard going through all of these social changes.
| You are Maryiln Monroe | 
A classic tortured beauty
You're the dream girl of many men
Yet they never seem to treat you right |
February 8, 2006
I cleaned out my closet yesterday and have three trashbags full of clothes. I had anxiety about it and posted a message on the board. Everyone here on this site is so supportive and I thank everyone for taking the time to answer me and give me some support. It's just hard letting go of that part of me. My clothes defined who I was and I had amazingly cute clothes, even though I was big. I have to think about who I am now and who I am becoming.
| Your Inner Muse is Thalia | 
You are most like this playful muse of comedy.
Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic.
You make people laugh until their sides split.
And you're always up for some play time! |
You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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"We saved the world. I say we have to party."
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| Your Reputation Is: Sweet Girl | 
While you're well known, there's nothing to worry about.
You're reputation is mostly good - as good as any rep can be. |
| Your Aura is Blue | 
Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.
You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.
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***Things that I like since the surgery***
~I like the fact that I can go out in public now and not feel embarassed
~I like that I can fit comfortably in a movie theater chair
~I like when I can go out to dinner with people and fit in the booth and not have my fat and boobs pushing against the table
~I like that I can fit in a normal sized person uniform, instead of having to wear a bigger sized mans uniform
~I like that I have more energy and don't sleep and lay around as much as I did
~I like that I can run a mile without stopping now
~I like that my joints don't hurt
~I like that I don't have to take medicine anymore
~I like that I don't feel sick and like I'm dying anymore
~I like that I can go into any shop at the mall and find something that fits me in junior or misses sizes and I don't have to worry about finding something in the plus sizes
~I like that I can go to the gym and not have to work out in the womens only section because I was too embarassed to work out with men
~I like that other people see me as "skinny or slim" even though I don't
~I like that when I go to six flags this coming summer, that I could fit into the rides and not having to worry about my stomach and hips and butt being in the way
~I like that when I do decide to go on an airplane, that I won't be so confined and uncomfortable in the seat
~I like that the scale is under 200lbs..that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me..never thought I would see 177!!!
***Things I need to work on***
~I need to focus on liking and loving me again. Before surgery and since I was 14, I always hated myself and never thought I was good enough because of my weight
~I need to focus on becoming stronger. I've lost alot of muscle mass and am not as strong as I think I am
~I need to eliminate problem foods from my house (s/f fudge pops, chips,dip) Mike likes to eat them and when they are in the house, I eat them too (even though it's just a little bit, I still eat them)
~I need to find a local support group..I am on OH everyday and it helps but I think face to face interaction will help me even more. I never thought about how important support from others would mean to me
You are a summer fairy! You are relaxed and laid
back. You could watch the breeze sway flowers
all day if you could. Sensationally beautiful
and kind you are highly respected and well
though of.dont forget to rate the quiz!!
{{__What kind of Season Fairy are you?(gorgeous pics/for girls)___}}}
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Future Updates
February 18, 2006
Here I sit at 127am and I just can't sleep. It seems as though my horrible insomnia has returned. I've tried everything the past few nights..I crocheted a blanket, watched tv,internet and nothing has worked. I don't know if it is because I'm constantly thinking about the scale..I have half of a mind to throw it out. I know I'm obsessed with it (I have to weigh myself at least three times a day or more) It's also bothering me about the quality of food that I ate today. I was all set to eat the homemade chili I made yesterday. However, Mike didn't really want to eat it and wanted to go to KFC. I didn't want KFC and it's bad for me. So he ordered the chicken strip meal and got coleslaw. I had two chicken strips..I wrapped them in a napkin and squeezed most of the grease off (it was gross) and then peeled the breading off and ate the chicken. I also had a few bites of coleslaw. I really don't want to fall back into the same bad habits before surgery. I hate going out to eat, it makes me anxious. I've also had major problems again this week with salty foods. I can't seem to stay away from crackers, chips and oh yes if there is chocolate, I eat that too. I am a food addict. I don't want to eat these things but there's always something telling me.."oh just a few won't hurt you" well a few has hurt me because I'm sitting here writing about it. My parents paid good money for me to have a second chance at life and what I'm doing is screwing it up for myself by choosing to eat these things. I have been doing really well, with the exception of this month. I don't know what my problem is. I'm hungry and I am craving things like crazy. I have gone so far as to buy peppermint tea, peppermint lipgloss, peppermint gum and mints to help me fight this (it seem like peppermint is the only thing that is helping me at this point) Maybe what's getting to me too is everyone keeps asking me..how much weight have you lost this week. It stresses me out. I'm still not okay with compliments and I don't know if I ever will be. I've lived my life by pretty much going un noticed and this is such a shock to me. I had one of the guys at work who hadn't seen me in awhile say to me "oh my god, I almost didn't recognize you" I had a lady at the bank ask me for another picture ID because my drivers license didn't look like me. I've done this for me but I seem to live under a microscope. I still find it hard to believe that my pants are a size 10. I am still in awe that they actually fit me. I even bought a size 8 this week because the 10's are getting to big in the butt. I am fighting to get to my goal of 140 and I'm just going to have to buck up and fight harder to stay on track and not let my addiction to food take over.
What Color Is Your Aura?
| Your Gemstone is Aquamarine | 
Intuitive, tranquil, and trusting.
You inspire others to have faith in themselves. |
Future Updates February 24, 2006
Well I had my 4 month appointment yesterday and I lost 7 lbs for this month...a little disappointing but at least I lost. I was sad too because my doctor said that my goal of 140 is going to be too thin for me :( He said I can stop now and that I'm only 2lbs away from the normal range for my BMI. Holy cow! Never thought that I would almost be there! We discussed alot of things and he said maybe I need to see a counselor about some of my issues..especially the problems I'm having with the scale. I'm obsessed with it and I'm obsessed with exercise too. No matter what I'm doing, it just seems to never be enough. I'm in size 8 pants now and I'm still trying to get smaller but still in a size 14 for dresses. I think I'm going to need plastic surgery for a boob lift and reduction. Don't know what's up with that..only place that's not really going down.
Anyways, that's all I have for now.
March 1, 2006
Well it's hard to believe that it is March already! I turn 33 years old this month wow! Oh well...This week at work has been very busy and very exhausting for my body. I swear, the criminals have most definately come out of hibernation this week. It's springtime and I'm scared to see what summer holds! I was proud of myself for turning in a job application for a different job this week. My body is just hating shift work and has since my surgery..so I figure maybe I can find something to do in the civilian sector and have a normal persons work schedule...who knows though?? I work with alot of fantastic people and alot of them are like family. One of my partners said to me last night "see look at you..you lose all of this weight and are looking gorgeous and skinny and you want to leave us" I just told him..ya know my body is so different now and it's very senstive to stress and staying up all night and working and I just don't want to jeopardize my health for my career. I was thinking the other day that maybe I should go back to school and become a nurse and maybe get a job working with gastric bypass patients. I feel that this was the best decision I could make for my health. I would love to help others find their way back to health. Well that's all I have for now..I've got to get some rest I've been up since 5pm last night and it's now almost 9am.
MARCH 3rd 2006
I've been a little down today. I think a lot of it has to do with me not sleeping. The insomnia that I've got is just really dragging me down :( and my body is just so physically tired it isn't even funny. I would give my right arm to rest a full night without waking up and staying up for a few hours. I'm really depressed about my hair. I'm losing so much of it. I can't even wear it back without seeing my scalp...I tried to wear it down today and it just looks ridiculous. So, I went out in public today wearing a wig. How humiliating..I thought oh my god everyone is going to notice. I went to Sallys beauty supply and bought a scalp treatment and I'm gonna try that. The lady at the counter said to me oh your hair looks really cute cut short (wig I have is an angled bob and it's a really pretty red color) and she was looking at my drivers license with long blonde brown hair...she said are you buying this scalp treatment for you? I said yes..she said oh well it doesn't look like you need it..I said well what I'm wearing is a wig and I'm losing my hair. She said well it looks real to me..so I guess that made me feel a little better. Emotionally, I don't feel quite right..just down in the dumps. Oh well tomorrow is another day. I think I'm gonna go and take a nap.
March 4, 2006
I'm awake yet again!! It's 213am and I'm wide awake. I don't feel much better today. I think I may have a kidney stone going on. I've had pain on my left side the past few days and I definately recognize it. I'm pretty sure it's close to passing since the pain is so low on my abdomen. I've been drinking like crazy to get it out hopefully it will pass today. I really don't want to go to the ER..I already know what they will do..pump me full of fluids..take a CT to see where the stone is and collect my $100.00 copay for something I can do here at home. I know what caused it. I didn't drink enough water at work on Wednesday. I just get so busy and going 100 miles an hour, water or food is the last thing on my mind. I even keep water on the desk. I need to do better. My husband was up a few minutes ago, I tried to be quiet. He's on call this week, so we are confined to the house. I'm bored and all he wants to do is sit around and watch movies at home or go to the movies and sit there too. I just can't do it and it drives me crazy. I heard from the place where I submitted my application. I have a typing test scheduled for next week. Wish me luck!
Future Updates March 11,2006
I'm awake again..not as early as I normally am. It's about 511 am. I've had a rough week. I'm sure alot to it equates to me being stubborn. I have passed a total of 3 kidney stones this week. I finally called the doctor (my endocrinologist) and got in to see him on Thursday. He is testing me for quite a bit of things and I've got an ultrasound and CT scheduled for my kidneys and gallbladder on Monday morning. I really hope that he can find out what's causing all of this. Not to mention how discouraged I am right now too....he is checking my sugars for the diabetes too :( I thought I was doing everything right and I was feeling so good and then wham..everything just came down just within two weeks. And oh yes, I had my blood draw yesterday (thank god the lady got me on one stick) and they took for vials of blood..he is testing me for everything under the sun. At least he is on it..he's a wonderful doctor! Soo, I had my blood draw and then right after that, I had my typing test for the job I applied for. I typed 55 wpm and they wanted 60 and to make me laugh, they gave me this flier for the community college, where I can take classes to help me type faster. I was a little bummed out but not after I heard what they would have started my pay out..no worries about that. It just means that it wasn't meant to be and maybe something bigger and better will come my way later on. I'm trying to hang in there and I'm hoping to have a better week next week.
March 19th, 2006
Well I was hoping for a much better week. I celebrated my 33rd birthday on St. Patricks Day. My husband took me to the museum to see the new exhibit there. I had a good time! He also took me out to Benigan's for lunch where he had a live bagpipe player, play me happy birthday on his bagpipes..it was awesome and original! I was a little disappointed though, because we had to go to my parents house and babysit and feed their cat so they could go to Vegas to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary. We came home this morning to find Megan (our beautiful huskey) limping around. We don't know how she hurt her front leg but she is in some pain. Mike and I have both been bawling this morning about it because there is a great possibility that we are going to have to put her down. I'm crying here as I type. I just don't know what to do for her. She's coming up on 10 years and she is the love of our life. She's my heart and has brought us so much joy and happiness to our life. I just don't want to let her go. But I keep asking myself is it fair to her to be in pain..she's also got massive tumors growing underneath her fur and she's been having quite a bit of hip pain as well. Sometimes it's so bad for her, she can only pull herself around on her front legs. She can't go down stairs anymore and the walks that she deeply enjoyed, she can't even go a half a block..bless her heart. With the pain she has in the front of her leg..we had to help her to get outside to use the bathroom and I don't think she had been drinking the few days that we were gone..we had to hold a bowl of water up to her and she just drank and drank. It looks to me too as if she didn't touch her food either :( . Mike told me that she is still smiling and he just can't bring himself to take her in to be put to sleep. When I look into her crystal blue eyes, I see that she's hurting and I feel so helpless because I can't ease her pain. This dog isn't a dog to me..she's my daughter. I just pray that God will help us make the right decision and ease her suffering. I don't think I've cried this much since I lost my dad in 1984. Just please keep us in your thoughts and prayers while we ponder our choices for faithful and loving girl.
Jen me and Andrea taken on Saturday
March 22, 2006
Well we took Megan to the Vet yesterday and we got good news!!! They took an X-Ray of her right arm and it showed no broken bones or fractures and no sign of bone cancer or arthritis. Thank GOD..he answered our prayers for her to be okay. It is such a relief for us and we are finally able to breathe and a huge weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. The downside of it is she ended up pulling a muscle up underneath her armpit and was given some anti-inflammatories for the swelling and pain. We also have to put her on a diet..she is 102 lbs!! The Vet says if we take her back in to him after she gets better, that he could take a blood panel on her and he could put her on some arthritis medicine for her hips and losen them up so she could go on walks again!! :) That just gives me so much hope. My Sgt was nice enough to give me the night off yesterday so I could take care of my girl. I felt so retarded because I started crying when I was asking if I could come in just a few hours late because I had to take her in and wasn't sure if she would be coming home. Oh well, I just care too much..that's just my nature.
I also ended up cancelling my doctor's appointment for my 5 month checkup. I've rescheduled for April 6th. Now that life can settle down a bit, I can concentrate more on losing that last 12 pounds. I'm probably still going to try and get down to the 140..that still bugs me..I want to weigh that so bad. My mom called me yesterday and made me cry. She said that she is so proud of me about how well I'm doing with my weight loss and my improved health. That she sees how hard I work towards being healthy and that it is paying off. She says I'm a different person now and she says I set an example for people to follow. She also said that I'm skinny (ya right) and that she wished she could be my size. My mom is such a great person with a heart of gold.
March 23, 2006
As you can see, I'm still awake. I've been up since yesterday at 4pm and it is a little after 12pm. I've done alot of running around today. I actually don't feel too too tired just yet..pretty weird..I usually crash and burn by 9 or 10am. I went to the tanning beds today. I used to go pretty frequently before I was diagnosed with my diabetes and on all the bad medicine that didn't go well with the sun or tanning beds..I haven't been deliberately in the sun or the tanning beds for almost 4 years. I'm very very fair skinned right now and I look pale. I did 5 minutes in the tanning bed (I know they are so bad for your skin but I really needed it) and afterwards, I felt wonderful and full of energy. I don't know if I suffer from the depressive disorder called SAD..has to do with the seasons and decreased sunlight. I do know this, just with that burst of bright light and the warmth it created throughout my body I felt just a jolt of energy! It was almost like it recharged my batteries :) So I'm going to try and make it a point to go at least 2x's a week for a month and see how I feel. I also went out shopping today and bought alot of needless "crap" I spent 35 bucks at Victoria's Secret..no not on underware or bras but on the smelly stuff..lotions and body splash mmmm LOVESPELL smells sooo good!! The ladies wanted me to buy some of the panties and bras but I'm still convinced that nothing inside that store would fit me. I remember being heavy and being so embarassed to step foot inside there..it was like it was off limits and the stares that I would get. But today was a different story..the ladies wanted to help me and they were very nice, talked to me and smiled. I also went to Target and noticed that the young college aged guys made a point to say hello and ask how I was doing today..they also smiled and I could see that they were "checking me out"..still uncomfortable with that but oh well..made me laugh..cause I'm so much older than they are. I also made a trip to JC Penney's, where a man held the door for me when I was wayyyy behind him, I thought that was so polite and nice. It's amazing how differently people see you when you are of almost normal weight. I just don't get it...I'm still the same person on the inside as I was when I was 256 lbs. But people made me feel good today. I also had a WOW moment in the store. I have a size 14 jeans in the same brand and all that just fall off of me now...so just to see where I was with my progress, I grabbed a pair of 5/6's off the rack. I held them up in the dressing room and looked at the circumference of the waist..and I just laughed to myself.."ya right..no way in hell are these going to fit" So I put one leg in..then the other and then pulled them up over my hips and guess what..they actually buttoned and I fit in them!! I have never ever been able to wear that size in my adult life ever!! I was so excited about the jeans, that I bought them and called my husband..he said "NO WAY" and I said YES WAY and I'll show you when you get home. What I would give to turn back time to go back to high school and go shopping with my girlfriends...I was always the heavy one and always felt sooo terrible when they would puposely go into the 5/7and 9 shop for clothes, knowing full well that I wasn't that size and would model clothes and say oooh isn't this cute on me..too bad they don't have your size. It just sucked and I would cry and cry. I remember my prom dress my mom bought me when I was 17 years old..she bought it at the Merry GO ROUND..a beautiful peach lace dress with matching gloves (I still have it) a size 13. I remember it was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen and when I tried it on, it was too tight. I remember promising my mom that if she bought it, I would lose weight to fit into it. SOOO I did Jenny Craig that Junior Year so I could fit into the prom dress. My weight has always made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough and wasn't good enough for anything..I've always loved clothes and I'm sorry for ranting about it but geeze this is just such a milestone for me!!
April 1st, 2006
Almost 6 months out. I had Mike take some pictures of me. Gosh I didn't realize how terrible I look :( My poor hair and my body...geeze I look so lumpy. I really do need to hit the gym hard again. I know after that set back I had last month, I didn't really get back on track to the gym. I start dayshift tomorrow and maybe it will be easier for me to get back on track. I'm just bummed out because I feel better than I look. Oh yes, and that is my beautiful baby Megan..she is feeling much better!!
April 6th, 2006
I had my checkup today and WOW!!! I'm at 163 lbs and am at normal weight according to the BMI. How exciting..never thought I would ever be considered to be of normal weight! Another milestone for me on this journey. I wanted to be 140 lbs by 6 months but this normal weight is a wonderful success and I'll take it and be happy with it!! I was told by the surgeon that I can only lose 8 more lbs and that is it..kinda odd to think about it..just 8 lbs..not the normal ohhh you need to lose 20,30,40,50,60,70,80lbs..etc...I never thought in my life I would have to worry about having to stop to lose weight in order to avoid looking and being too thin. It's just weird to me. Anyways, I go back at the end of May and only have to go in to be monitored for maintenance :)
April 14th 2006~
I took some headshots of me with my different wigs on. I've worn one in public but I feel so self conscious about it. I've also been wearing baseball hats to cover things up. I'm really hoping my hair starts to grow back and quit falling out real soon! I've been using the stage 4 of the nioxin system and I've noticed that it looks a little thicker but it continues to fall out. BUMMER!!!
April 27th 2006~
I had my physical agility test again yesterday. I have made vast improvements and get this....I wasn't the last or next to the last person to finish on the mile and a half run!!!! I completed my mile and a half run in 17:17..when I had the weight on it took me 28 minutes to complete. Back in November, after surgery, I completed it in 21:20. I was also able to do 33 situps in one minute;21 pushups in one minute;sit and reach was 18 1/2 inches..compared to 12 inches last year when my stomach was in the way. I still plan on trying to make the standard run which is 15 minutes..just have to cut a little over two minutes off of my time. The important thing is, is that I'm improving..and let me tell you, this wasn't easy, I had to push my body. I feel like crap physically today..coughing and sore but just having that boost of confidence knowing that I can actually do this and get close instead of feeling like a humiliated failure. It made me feel good to hear people say that they were proud of me for my scores instead of them patting me on the back and saying maybe next time you'll do better. Oh and yes...for the first time EVER~~~~I bought something at the 5-7-9 shop!!! A cute skirt which is a size 7. I remember way back when...my super skinny cousin used to shop there and remembering how bad I felt about myself because none of their clothes would fit...because I was always in an 11 or 13 or 16. I've come a long way. But..you know, I still see a fat person in the mirror..I still see imperfections with my body. I just really hope and pray that I'll be able to accept myself and how I look instead of focusing on the bad things. One person who I saw yesterday, whom I haven't seen since the surgery said he didn't recognize me and that I look GREAT! I am always asked by people who I haven't seen in a long time..ask me about my secret and what am I doing to lose so much weight. I tell them about the surgery..99% of the people have a positive reaction to it..1% of the people say oh you could have lost that on your own. To that 1% I say screw you! I couldn't have possibly done this on my own. When you have an internal medicine doctor telling you that your body is working against you and your health is declining rapidly and that this will be the only thing that will help you..help save your life..how can someone say that you can do this on your own??!! Usually the people who say this crap are the ones who have never one day in their life have been obese and don't know the struggles it causes you. The others, I've come to the conclusion..(overweight/obsese) are just plain out jealous! I'll get off of my soapbox now. It looks like it's going to be a nice day so I'm going to go to the park and walk.
May 6th, 2006
Well here I am with another update on my progress. I finally broke down and went to see a counselor yesterday. Her name is Jody and I really feel good about her and really really hope she can help me get my head on straight again! Lately, I haven't been feeling good emotionally and have been very very irritable, frustrated, angry and burned out. I have been confronting alot of people head on when they have hurt my feelings or have said bad things about me. I've also been having issues with my Dad's death. It has been 22 years this month since his death. I was very close to my Dad and to this day, I miss him so very much!! I think about him everyday. I just can't seem to let him go. I have struggled with this issue in the past and did some grief counseling about 10 years ago. I thought I had dealt with it but apparently I am still trying to cope. Every year, the police department has a candlelight vigil for him and other fallen officers and each year I attend. I was asked again today if I would like to present his wreath. I told the person I doubt it that I'm having some issues again with dad and that it's too hard for me to do. I made the mistake of doing it the one year and had to stand in front of everyone the entire ceremony..and lost it when they played the bagpipes. How embarassing and I felt so incredibly vulnerable. I'm also having issues with my brother as well. He did a tour in Iraq a few years ago and that really did a number on his mental health. He tried to kill himself when he got back to the states and he began drinking...heavily...eventually developed into an alcoholic. He got an honorable discharge from the Army and came back home to CO and then filed for divorce and bankruptcy and then just became a bum. He reconciled with his X-wife and returned to NC last year. I was so angry and very hurt because he didn't give me the time of day and all I got from him when he left was a five minute phone call. When I had my surgery back in October, he called a few times but I refused to talk to him. I recently wrote him a long letter a few weeks ago about how he hurt me and hopefully we can reconcile because I miss him dearly and I worry about him sooo much. Well he called me yesterday and we talked for a long time. He said he is thinking about coming back to CO to try again to put his life together. I'm also having issues on the homefont. I've been married for 10 years. I came home last Sunday and asked for a divorce. This surgery has really forced me to take a serious look at my life and make me confront all the things that I ate about. I can't eat away things anymore. I feel very saddened that I get all these compliments from men and women about how good I look but I have never ever ever ever once got that from my husband. I came home yesterday with a new haircut..to make myself feel a little bit better about myself and all he said is humm you got your hair cut short and sees nothing wrong with not giving me a compliment or hey I don't like it...nothing at all just hummm. I also worked a Special Olympics fund raiser this afternoon that he promised that he would work it with me and I got pretty much blown off and he did his own thing with the Sheriff's Office he works for as a reserve. When I asked for the divorce he seemed suprised but didn't say hey I love you and I'll do anything to work this out. But he kept throwing things back at me that we don't do anything and all I want to do is sleep. He knows I went to the counselor and said oh you're going there to go and talk bad about me. I think he doesn't think that I'm serious about leaving. I need to focus on me and what's good for me and I'm sure I'm going to be hurting alot of peoples feelings in the long run.
Anyways..sorry for rambling.that's not even touching the surface about what else is going on.
The main reason I was posting on here is to show that I got a haircut..a shorter one and of course my beautiful girls..Megan and Sydney :)
May 13, 2006
I'm doing much better than I was last week. I had another session with the counselor and she gave me some information on co-dependency. I took a look at it yesterday and my gosh...I have most of the characteristics of a person who has that...so does my mother and brother. She said that this is something that is learned through childhood and is deeply rooted and is passed down from generation to generation. She's helping me try and understand why now is everything..and I mean everything is coming to the surface. One of my crutches is gone...food! I need to get rid of the other crutch that I use...SLEEP. I was proud of myself last night though, I went to the gym and did my 2 hour routine and I tell you what, I felt GREAT! It's hard for me to just get going, once I'm there, there's no problem. I have three more pictures to share. These were taken yesterday. I'm still in a 5/6 pants..large shirt..I still can't get my boobs to go away and plus I'm broad in the back. I went shopping on Friday and was able to fit into a 3/4 on some of the shorts but I didn't buy them..I think I'll settle with a 5/6. Never in a million years would I be able to say...I wear a 5/6 pants..still blows my mind!! I'm still wanting to lose about 20 more pounds..I just don't know if that 20 is fat or just skin??
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June 1, 2006
It's been awhile since I have posted. I've been doing better. I'm still seeing the counselor and probably will for awhile. I'm getting to the core of alot of issues and some of the things that led me to gain weight and become really unhealthy. For the first time in my life, I'm able to take an honest look at myself and see what's going wrong. I'm making progress but it's slow. I also had my doctor appointment last week and I've lost 3 more pounds, which brings me to 160 lbs (96 pounds gone forever)!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was told that I can't lost anymore weight and if I do, I need to get back into see the surgeon. They say that I have probably 20lbs of extra skin on me and that I'm actually probably sitting at 140 right now and if I lose my 20 lbs that I want to lose, that I'll be too thin and become unhealthy again and that I would be sitting at 120. I've been eating more. I'm actually able to get down half of a hamburger. I asked my surgeon if this should be of concern and he said no. He said that the stomach is now healed and I should be able to eat more food at one sitting..depending on how easily the food passes through it. He says that since I'm down to a normal BMI that my body doesn't have the fat to burn now and that I need to eat the calories and my body is signaling me to do that so it doesn't burn off my muscle (which I have very little of). I'm going to hit the gym again hard this week and fight to get back into a routine. I haven't had my routine since March, when I got those awful stones and overal malaise. I'm still passing the stones each month no matter what I do..they still come just like clockwork and nobody has an answer or a solution for me. Oh and yes...I went with friends to Estes Park last Saturday and I was able to ride in a go kart and pull the straps tight! I was also able to do a bungee trampoline and do back flips on it...my god..that was a big time WOW moment for me...the weight limit on the tampoline was 180 lbs..I was 20 lbs lighter than the weight limit..GO FIGURE..that was really awesome!! And yes, I also have some more pictures to post. I went to my Dad's Candlelight Vigil and carried the wreath with my mom. I wasn't going to carry the wreath at all because it is so hard for me each year to confront my dad's death. I miss him so much! It's been 22 years now without him and I miss him every day. I'm actually going out to Louisiana in July, to go visit my grandpa (my dad's dad) I think it will do me some good.
Mom is in the tan suit..and me..in the light blue uniform...my dad's partner in dark blue
July 1, 2006
It's been awhile again since I've updated. I've got to be better in the future. It helps me. The month of June was a busy one! I actually went to 6 flags Elitch Gardens. I rode every ride that I wanted to and didn't have to worry about being too big for the rides..which was awesome! I felt bad for my husband because one of the rides he got on with me, he didn't fit and had to get off. He is still contemplating the surgery but I doubt that he will go through with it. Which is sad because this surgery has changed my entire life for the better! I also got to see my family from Germany. My Aunt and Uncle are stationed there in the Air Force. I haven't seen them in 4 years! I also got to see some of my other extended family, who haven't seen me since November. My Uncle who usually called me "Beefy" now calls me "Beefless". My cousin..the skinny one who I was always compared to, said "if I saw you on the street, I wouldn't have recognized you". She is also pregnant again and guess what?? I'm smaller than she is for the first time ever in my life! I'm still very uncomfortable in my skin still and still have a hard time with people staring at me. I'm working on it though. Oh and yes, I leave for Louisiana on this coming Thursday to go and see my Grandpa, who I haven't seen since 1997. I'm still in counseling and without it, I probably wouldn't have planned my trip out there to see him. Things with the counselor is going well. I'm getting better and learning things about myself each month. As far as food goes, I'm able to eat more and more. I just can't stay away from the sugar. It's terrible! I need to get back on track with the program. My hair has finally stopped falling out and has grown back in and it looks good! I haven't had any other major problems this past month with anything...except for the sugar!! I really wish it made me dump but it doesn't. This is the beginning of a new month and a chance to break this bad habit.
Oh and yes..I have a new picture to add..sorry it's a little blurry. It's a picture of my Aunt who is on the left..she is just gorgeous and hasn't changed one bit..my mom in the middle..she is just gorgeous too and me on the right. My Aunt started crying when I was ready to leave to come back home after visiting..she said "Bridge you have hidden yourself away from all of us for so long! I'm so glad you came today and you just look so good" She made me cry too..I told her if you had looked and felt like I did, you would have hidden too. It's very sad but now I can be happy and come out again from hiding. :)
July 13th, 2006
I made it back from Louisiana and boy did it exceed my expectations. I got a lot of questions answered and found my missing pieces to my "puzzle". I was able to be candid and upfront with my family, whom I haven't seen in a very long time. It has helped me tremendously in my efforts to heal myself. I felt very close to my Dad there and loved listening about all of the stories that they all had to tell about him. I still do miss him dearly but in a strange way, I felt like he was right there with us all..laughing about all of the silly stories about the mischief that the boys got into as kids. I told them all that I wanted a closer relationship with them and they all want that too. I'm finally able to have some kind of closure in my life about my dad and I'm happier for that. They were all amazed at my transformation with the weight loss. I used to be compared to looking like my very large Aunt but now I was told, I look nothing like her. That side of my family has always been large..very large as a matter of fact. I'm just happy I was able to break that cycle with this surgery. You know too, this was the very first time that I was able to get on an airplane and sit very comfortably in the seat, with room to spare not only in the seat but also the seatbelt!!! It was awesome! That was a major major WOW moment for me.
Here are some pictures of myself that I tried to get in chronological order. Me as a baby. Me with my Dad about 9 years old (slim huh) Me with Grandma and Grandpa -she is who we get the tendency to be large from and this was how old I was when my dad died and was the last time that I saw my Grandparents until my Grandma died in 1998. The really skinny girl is my cousin. She is the one who I was always compared to. I was always made to feel bad about myself. As you can see, I would have never been able to be that thin due to my build and bone structure. I look back now and see that there was nothing wrong with me and I should have accepted the way that I was.
Here are some more pictures from the past. These are from when I was in high school. The really nice picture is my senior picture. I think I look good and have nice hair lol. That peach prom dress was the one that I referred to that I had to go to Jenny Craig in order to fit in that dress size 13/14. I loved that dress and I still do. It's still at my moms house in the closet! Me on the beach, that's also when I was still going through Jenny Craig. I always wanted to get back down to looking like that. Even though I looked think there, I was still being compared to my cousin..."you have such a pretty face, if it wasn't for that weight" "Shiloh can eat anything and not gain a pound" I tried so hard to be accepted. The other picture is me and my friend Jenny on our graduation day. She was one of the girls who always went out shopping with me and would make me feel bad going into the stores that she knew nothing would fit me. Also Graduation from college..picture of me with my soon to be husband. I gained alot of weight in college. Our wedding was the following week. I had to take a size 20 wedding dress. I didn't feel like a beautiful bride. I felt like an ORCA! The last photo is me in Cancun in 1999..I look pretty bad but that margarita sure made me forget about that!
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