One really big thing I've noticed is that in addition to re-routing my innards, my surgeon also apparently implanted a little man in my head.  Whenever I find myself wanting to eat something outside of a planned meal, the little man pipes up loud and clear and asks, "WHY?"  I really have found myself stopping to think now whenever I feel like doing mindless eating, and I realize that every single time, the answer as to why I feel like eating is simply for something to do and just to put something in my mouth.  I'm finding it so much easier to say no to that feeling right now while I still am enjoying no feelings of hunger.  I know eventually hunger WILL return, but I am hopeful that it will continue to be easier for me to say no.

Which brings me to the second thing I've noticed - - - NO HUNGER!!! Pre-WLS, I could be full to bursting from a triple-sized meal, but if someone walked by me with a brownie, or a bowl of chips, I'd suddenly find my tummy rumbling and an insane desire to eat.  No more!!!  This has made it much easier for me to deal with those head-hunger demons right now.

Third, I think my body has finally detoxified itself from crap.  I no longer drool at the sight of a pizza or fried greasy food, or basically at anything that isn't healthy.  My body seems to crave the good stuff now and I hope that continues because it's really easy to make the proper choices when you only want things that are good and healthy for you.  I'm sure I'll crave crap sometimes, and sometimes will even indulge in it, in moderation.  I have hope though that I really will be capable of being a moderation eater.

I'm liking exercise.  I mean, I exercised pre-op and I know that it made me feel good when I did it, but yet I still preferred being sedentary, eating crap and drinking to be my activities of choice.  Now that my eating is under control, I know that the more I exercise, the more the scale will move and that really helps to keep me motivated to exercise.  Before, even though I exercised, I still ate too much and kept gaining.  After a while, you figure "why bother?" when it comes to exercise, since it doesn't seem to be helping you lose weight.  I'm in a whole different mindset now, and that's a good thing.

I don't drink anymore - - - I can't, plain and simple.  Eventually I will be able to, and I'll deal with that when the time comes.  For now, it's not even an option.  I am sleeping so much better, have so much more energy and am just all-around more happy now that I'm not drunk every night.  Now some might ask how in the hell I managed to get WLS with a drinking issue like that?  It's simple.  I downplayed it.  A LOT.  But, I also knew that my fear of vomiting or damaging my pouch post-op would keep me in check, and it has.  Clearly I used alcohol as a substitute for many things that were missing from my life which I don't think will be missing anymore once I get this weight off.  I was a reclusive drunk because I hated going out in public and being the fattest one in the room and the one who gets stared at for being so big.  It was my way to "have fun" all by myself.  It was stupid and I'm not proud of it.  Nothing like heading into the OR with a silent fear that the surgeon is going to open me up and find my liver severely damaged from alcohol use.  Thank God that didn't happen.  I'm pretty lucky considering I drank a six-pack of 16 ounce beers per night (or the equivalent), roughly 3 to 4 nights a week for over a year.  I am not allowed alcohol for a year post-op, and I am certain that at the point where I have the choice to consume alcohol again, I will be much smarter about it and it won't be as important to me as it once was.  I will have a deep fear of regaining weight or hurting my pouch and will likely reserve the right to drink for only very special occassions.

I'm thankful for this chance to start over and get it all right this time.

I will be 3 weeks out this Wednesday.  So far the scale has not been moving quite as quickly as I'd hoped.  If I'm lucky, I might see a 15 pound total loss since surgery by Wednesday.  I decided to re-take my measurements to see if anything was happening there, and sure enough there are some big changes!

Neck -                             14.25     (-1.75) 
Under Boobs -              41          (-3)
Bust -                              49.75    (-3.25)
Waist -                            46          (-4)
Hips -                              53.5      (-1)
Wrist -                             6.75      (-0)
Bicep -                           16.5       (-1.25)
Thigh -                           27.5       (-2)
Calf -                              17.5       (-1)
Ankle -                            10.25    (-.5)
Total:                               17.75 inches all around!!!

I haven't been as diligent about updating here as I was hoping to have been, and I'm sorry for that.  

Being a post-op has been a whirlwind of feelings and emotions that I was aware of, but to some extent still wasn't prepared for.  In a lot of ways it reminds me of how I felt after my kids were born and I had a little bit of the "baby blues".  I know it will pass, and every day I truly do feel better.

My surgery went very well, though my hospital experience kind of sucked.  I had really been expecting a private room, as everyone else I know who had gone through my program, my hubby included, had gotten one.  Not me.  I got stuck in a room with another woman named Martha, who was 83 years old or so and very disoriented.  I spent most of my hospital stay keeping an eye on her or trying to call the nurses for her.  It was miserable, and I don't like to think about it.  

Since I've gotten home, every day I've felt a little closer to "normal".  My incisions are almost completely painless now - - - only the big one on the left is the one I still feel a little bit.  I tend to cry a lot for no real reason, and I really hate that.  I know it's normal and likely from a major release of hormones as the fat melts off, but it still sucks.  I'm sick to death of protein shakes, but fortunately at my post-op visit, my surgeon said that once I hit the 2-week mark, I can try some cottage cheese and eggs.

I'm mourning food a lot - - - thinking about favorites that I don't know if I will ever be able to have again.  Realistically, I know that eventually I may be able to have small tastes of pretty much anything I want, but right now that seems impossible.  A thought I just had though, is that I need to transfer my thinking.  Recently, we went to the county fair.  There were so many rides there that I know I love, but many of them had signs on them indicating that they were not suitable for persons weighing over 200 pounds - - - in other words, I couldn't go on them even if I had wanted to.  It bothered me, but I knew it was something I just had to accept and move on, so I did.  That's the way I need to start thinking about food - - - some of my old favorites are things I know I love, but I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I can't have them and move on.  The reward is going to come in the things I can do, like go on the rides, or buy the cute clothes, etc.  Food plays far too important of a role in my life, and that's really sad.  I should be mourning the things I've been missing out on for so long, like running and playing with my kids, getting out of the house and being active, feeling good about my appearance, etc.  Food is such a silly thing to be upset over and I should be angry with myself for letting it take such precedence over so many far more important things for so long.  By having the RNY surgery, I took a step to save my own life - - - no matter how much I'm sad about it right now and wondering why I did it.  That part will pass.  No matter how frightened I am of complications that could pop up at any time, I should be more scared of what would have happened to me if I hadn't taken charge and done something to get this weight off.  Maybe I would've become a full blown diabetic within the next 12 months.  Maybe I would've dropped dead of a heart attack or stroke within the next 10 years.  Maybe I'd keep packing on pounds until I was wheelchair-bound or even bedridden.  That should scare me far more than anything I'm going to face on my new weightloss journey.  Throwing up or suffering some discomfort as I learn how my pouch works is so tiny in comparison to what could have happened if I had done nothing.  I just need to get my head wrapped around that and just hope that I will be one of those lucky people who have little to no complications or food intolerances. 

I met with Dr. Buckley this afternoon for the last time before surgery.  I can't say enough about how happy I am to have him as my surgeon.  Once again, even though he was running way behind schedule, he really took his time with me, answering all of my questions and answering some I had forgotten to ask but that he gets asked most often.  His whole demeanor just totally puts me at ease about having this surgery and I know I'm in excellent hands.

I also got the green light to substitute some lowfat Cottage Cheese in place of yogurt on my pre-op liquid diet.  I HATE yogurt, and I've been choking it down for a week because it's really the only thing of any substance that I can have.  I'll take Cottage Cheese over yogurt any day, and I'm happy to have at least one thing other than broth that isn't sweet tasting.  He also recommended I call the NUT to see if she has any other suggestions for stuff I can have besides yogurt and tomato soup which I also can't stand.....lol.  I realize that post-op I may not have a choice, but I see no reason why I shouldn't make the last week of the pre-op diet as pleasant as possible.

So, the only other thing I have to do now is report for pre-surgical testing Monday morning, and then surgery next Wednesday!!!  I can't believe it's almost here!

I want to add in my current pre-op measurements so I can track my progress.  So, as of today, 2 weeks pre-op, I weigh 265 pounds and wear a size 22 bottom, and a 3X to 4X top thanks to my pendulous "girls".

Neck -                             16
Under Boobs -              44
Bust -                              53
Waist -                            50
Hips -                              54.5
Wrist -                             6.75
Bicep -                           17.75
Thigh -                           29.5
Calf -                              18.5
Ankle -                            10.75