heathercross
July 2003
7-2-03 Last summer around June, this woman, Gabriela emailed me after coming across my profile. She emailed me to tell me I wasn't alone in feeling scared about dieing. She that first email, we have become great friends. She has been there for me every step of the way these last 10 + months. All of that and she was a pre-op. Well, Gab (G F) had surgery today. All the months and drama have finally come to this, after mos of waiting for an appt with Roslin, switching her insurance to an ins Rolsin took, then finding out Roslin didn't accept it anymore, to switching to Leitman, then wtg for her consult, then stressing over Aetna, then Aetna asking for more documentation, then TODAY! Well, @ 12nn, Gabby goes under the knife and I wish her well. I love her like a sister. She has been here for me for only a year although it seems like we have known each other for ever. Funny thing, we used to live like 2 blks apart in
7-3-03 Going down to our house on the
7-4-03 Just drove back from the
7-6-03 ALL PROTEIN, ALL THE TIME! Was visiting with my gal friend, Berta, who will be 12 mos out next week. She hadn't lost any weight in a few mos. So, she did all protein shakes all day long for about 10 days and lost 15lbs. She occasionally nibbled on food here and there and she NOT ONLY lost 15lbs in 10 days, but, also SHRANK her tummy/pouch. Now, this weekend, when she tried to eat, she could only eat little bits of food, like when she was first post-op. SIGN ME UP! I am all for that. So, please excuse me if I am cranky this week from not eating solid foods, but, if I can lose anymore weight by 7/15 (11 mos), it will be all worth it.
7-7-03 I thought this surgery would be physically hard. I thought I would forgo almost all foods, I loved, in the first year. I thought the not eating certain foods would be hard, BUT, the weight loss would be relatively easy. Never did I think, I wouldn't make goal in the 1st year (let alone if at all). I assumed that I would lose 100 Lbs in 6 mos. And, if I didn't I was a FAILURE! Well, I didn't lose that 100 in 6 mos, I lost them in 7 mos. Then, I assumed I would lose 155lbs in the 1st year (currently at 190, down from 305, goal is 155lbs)...Well, that’s not going to happen either. What do you do when you don't make your goals? Do we and can we really lose for up to 14mos? Or is it 18 mos? Can any Post-ops who haven't reached goal initially help me on this? What do you do? What can I do?
7-10-03 (189)...One Hundred (Freaking) Eighty-Nine Pounds! I haven't been that size since High School, I think. Anyway, I made some observations today (and, I apologize in advance if I offend anyone)...(1) I only lose weight the weight after my period stops and before my monthaverisary (i.e.. 7th - 15th). (2) I can fit EASILY in a bus seat now with absolutely no spillage into the other seat. (3) I have a shopping addiction. (4) I see more overweight people around me than ever before, I think this is b/c when I was overweight, I didn't think I was as big as I was didn't even recognize it myself let alone everyone else. (5) People still don't have a clue about WLS, especially a lot of Overweight Individuals, They still think its the easy way out [case in point, a few associates who are 300+ Lbs and think that WLS is an easy way out and too much of fad b/c every dtr is getting into it and any ins co will pay for it WRONG!]...and (6)I need to get some therapy to find out why I ate the way I did to begin with, to find out why nothing seems to be small enough to me and also to find out why I am so hard on myself. Enough self reflections, Back to work.
7-11-03 (189, STILL) Anyone notice HOW MUCH NICER salespeople are at NON-PLUS size stores? When you don't have a "W" in front of your size. Since losing 116lbs, I have been shopping at Banana Republic, Gap, JCrew, Ann Taylor and my long fav Bloomingdales. WELL, they put all the salespeople at Lane Bryant to shame. Maybe the sales people at LB don't feel they need to be as nice to us as we are FORCED to shop there based on our Limited selection, however, its like Day & Night. All these stores let you take as many things as you want into the dressing room, they bring you replacements and they are helpful and accommodating. Its truly amazing. I am also impressed that when I ask for suggestions on sizes, etc, they are genuinely helpful. I always start with, "how do your clothes run, small or large", "how does this wash", etc...I also tell them I am knew to these stores b/c I was formerly a Lane Bryant Lifer and that I dropped 100+ lbs. Now, I was unsure if this was the case everywhere in the b/c I was just the NYC shopper, but, since moving to Philly, it continues. Just an observation.
7-12-03 Went to Dr Noel William's Support Group again @ UPenn, Don't think I am going to this group again. I am totally unimpressed with the 2 Dietitians and Program Coord. I hate the fact that they are charging me $5 to come. And, I hate the fact that none of them have a CLUE about what they is saying. I sat their this weekend and listened to them tell the group that "malabsorption" means absolutely nothing. They swear that your weight loss only comes from the restriction of the stomach. What a load of crap. I have also come to the conclusion that Dr Williams (w/out even knowing him), must be somewhat conservative in his surgeries. I am guessing this is due to the Malpractice issues in PA. All his patients don't seem to be too successful...A lot seem to be just losing 100lbs @ 1 yr. or down only like 60lbs in 6-9 mos. Just an observation, but, I am going to look for a new group. I would love to go up to NYC once a month, but it’s hard to get up there by 6pm when I work in Philly till 4pm. I think I may try to work something out!
7-14-03 Before I post this, I must plead to you all that this is more about self-reflection and a kind of "I told you so" to myself and "if there is a lesson to this story" kind of post. DO NOT email me bashing me or send me anything nasty. This is my way of telling a story that needs to be heard. Saturday night, I was in NYC, I had A LOT to drink. I am not sure why I did. I was so excited to see a lot of old friends and I looked good. However, I made the mistake of "FORGETTING" who I am now and had somewhere between 3-6 vodka’s with seltzer water. Yes that was too many. Yes I am NOT advocating drinking; yes there is a lesson to be learned. The reason I am posting this is a reminder to myself and to those pre-ops & post-ops...I never want ANY OF YOU TO GO THROW WHAT I WENT THROUGH SUNDAY MORNING! I was soooooo sick. I threw up all night, passed out on my friend's bathroom floor and vomited from 4 in the morning till 2pm the next day. I embarrassed myself. I called my surgeon's office b/c I was seriously scared for my life. I was throwing up bile and more bile, I have never been in so much pain in my life, and I was scared that I was also dehydrated or something worse. I thought I would rupture my pouch. I WILL NEVER DO THIS TO MYSELF AGAIN. I do not need to test my limits. I am not the same person I used to be. The new Heather should NOT have done this to herself. I don't know how I made it home alive. I took a cab and woke up sometime around 5am when my friend Alison was putting me in the shower. About 9am, I called my husband in Philly crying to come get me. I begged him to take the train up and drive me home. Thank God, he did. I love that man so much. My friend had to go into work; so, she left me at her place to sober up until my hubby arrived. The lesson to this story is whether it is food, alcohol or anything...DO NOT TEST YOUR LIMITS, KNOW YOUR LIMITS...I will never do that again. I have learned my lesson and I am a better person for it.
7-15-03 11 mos out today. I am 187 lbs. So much for getting to goal by my 1yr Aniv next month.
7-21-03 Well, its official, I DUMP! I hadn't for the first 11 mos of this surgery. Ever since my drunken episode last weekend where I threw up my insides 10 fold, I have been sooooo sensitive to the smallest amount of sugar! I run right to the bathroom after drinking my Isopure Zero Carb Shakes (must be the aspartame, no sugar involved) and I got sick from NS Added Eddy’s Mint Choc Chip on Friday night, Blueberry Cobbler on Saturday Night and SF Choc Clusters on Sunday. Now, before I get SLAMMED for eating all this, I am 11 mos out! I have a sugar craving now that I never did pre-op. Has anyone else all of a sudden, started to dump or had a 180 turnaround with their stomach almost a yr. out?
7-22-03 I am having a hard time as of late. I have been eating very poorly. It is very easy to slip into old habits, even when some of those old habits make you feel nasty afterwards. I have been eating too many carbs and not enough protein or water. I need to get focused. I feel very lost. Yesterday, this is what I ate (total throughout the day): cheese omelet w/ bacon, cup of mushroom soup & 1/2 Roast Beef Croissant from Au Bon Pain, 2 Oatmeal Cookies, 1 Bag of Peanut M&Ms, slice of meatloaf, stuffing & Mashies from Boston Market, Zone Choc Carmel Bar & 2 glasses of Skim Milk. HOW BAD IS THAT! Must explain how my weight shot up to 192 this morning from 187 a week ago. Plus, with all the humidity, I haven't been walking. On top of all this, I lost my wallet in a cab yesterday, so, that added stress didn't help the healthy eat. Well, I am back on the Protein Train today, if all goes well, I should be back down to 187 by Saturday, its amazing how quickly I can lose the weight I regain and how hard it is to drop below that
7-23-03 (2nd Post) I USUALLY DON'T POST NASTY/CONDESNDING EMAILS THAT I GET (ALTHOUGH I DO COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM) BUT, THIS ONE, I IAD TO B/C IT REALLY STRUCKA NERVE AND SHE HAS NO PROFILE AND SIGNED IT HER "INITIALS" (SO I CAN'T EVEN CHECK OUT HER PROFILE)...
THE EMAIL I REC'D 7-24:
"I read the message board pretty much every day, so I usually see your posts. I am MO and will be having surgery soon and I don't understand something. Why do you always complain about everything? You have major food issues so DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Go to counseling. Apparently you are not getting what you need from the message board cause every post that you put up is negative. You need to get control of the things that are driving you to continue to eat poorly or you will be right back where you started. Remember your drinking problems...And yes...you did/do have an alcohol problem. How do I know...well I am an AA sponsor.... No, I am not an alcoholic...I just sponsor one, so I do know when there are problems.... No I am not slamming you, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. You have been given a tool, mind you...a great tool, and you need to use it the way you are suppose to use it. Be thankful that you have it because there are many who can not get it. Your negativity is wearing thin and apparently I am not the only one who thinks so, due to you saying." "Dont send me slamming emails"". Get positive! It's ok to post stuff that happens to you or when you do mess up.......but you need to post positive stuff to.....like everyone else who posts regularly. I know you will be saying how you got an email that slammed you....but go ahead, if that is what you like to do. You post publicly and you take the chance of retaliation. I could have posted this publicly also, but felt that it was better left said in private. You are more than welcome to reply. Just know that I am a Christian woman...and I don’t take filthiness or cursing. And yes...a Christian can give their opinion on something, without it being labeled judging....we aren’t perfect....just saved. S"
MY RESPONSE:
Well, it has been a few hrs since you passed judgment on me without knowing ANYHTING about me. I decided I would give it some time before I replied back to you. I initially was going to ignore you blasphemy, but, decided I have every right to a rebuttal and it has nothing to do with being "a good Christian". (1) I love the way you can pass judgment on me when I have no idea who you are. You have no profile, you are either too shy or embarrassed to journal your experience, instead you hide behind a "hotmail" address and a computer, not to mention the "word of God". (2) Do you KNOW what a message board is? Would you rather me BRAG about how I have lost 118lbs or constantly praise everyone and be fake like some others on this board. I post what is real to me and what I am going through. So many others constantly post about their candy binges and Carb cravings, what makes me so different. We are ALLOWED to complain, that is why GOD gave us free will and a mind to think with. Oh, and by the way YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE ABOUT CRAVINGS AND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, YOU ARE PRE-OP AND WOULDN'T GET IT UNTIL YOU ARE POST-OP AND 6 MOS OR SO OUT! I guarantee you wouldn't be the "perfect angel", we all cheat, and we aren't saints. I didn't have this surgery to diet the rest of my life, I did it to be normal. (3) Being an Alcoholic, I DON'T THINK SO! Since when is having one bad night with liquor make someone and alcoholic. I barely if ever drink. I had one night out with the girls and overdid it, an AA sponsor does not make you an additions counselor, it just makes you a AA sponsor, nothing more! (4) Have you ever READ my profile, if you did, you would see that evertime I journal, I also post on the message board, most of my posts are POSITIVE or reflective, I am sorry I am not happy all the time, I am going through a rough patch and we are all allowed! (5) Lastly, what is up with "Just know that I am a Christian woman...and I don’t take filthiness or cursing. And yes...a Christian can give their opinion on something, without it being labeled judging....we aren’t perfect....just saved". Remember you are FAT yourself or you never would have considered this surgery. Also, your faith in God is not going to make you thin, its that same free will I was talking about earlier, if you wanna GET REAL, make a profile and make it public and then check back with me when you are 10 mos to a yr. post op and we will see you is honest about their eating habits. Remember, this surgery is a TOOL not a lobotomy.
Good Day! Heather
7-24-03 Hey Y’all, Thought I was going crazy eating all those carbs the past 3-4 days, but, this morning I got a little monthly surprise, 1 week early, so, now I know what the weight gain and Carb cravings were from. Also, dropped the 2 Lbs that had crept back on me from 2 days of PROTEIN!
7-25-03 I am ADDICTED....Anyone try the Fruit20's yet? I am so in love with the Strawberry & the Lemon flavored ones. Was thinking they would have carbs and sugars like the Propel Fitness water. NOPE! 5mg of Sodium, that is it! Makes those
100-oz of Water OH SO EASY TO DRINK!
