10-1-03 (186) "BACK TO BASICS 3". Up & @ gym at 5:30am. God, I love these Atkins Shake. I had 2 Adkins Advantage Choc Skakes for breakfast (340 cal/40g protein)....Started taking iron ferosol (maybe?)...I am not constipated but my I don't poop as easily as I used to (didn't know how else to say it). But, the Atkins shake and the increased fiber, help it FLOW more easily.
10-2-03 ITS WORKING! Day 4: 185lbs (-2 lbs this week).
10-3-03 I am back in everyway possible on the boards, living my life and losing wait. I will be 14 mos out on October 15th and for the first time since July, I am not gaining and losing the same 5lbs. This Weekend I got strict with myself. I decided "I think I still have a little left to lose" and needed to get motivated. While the rest of my life is CRAP (job, Philly, marriage) I can control my weight! I started working out again 3X per week (so far this week) and upped my pace at which I walk to work. It used to take me 45-50 minutes to walk the 2.5 miles to work, now I am getting there in about 30-35 minutes and I am also running the intersections to keep my heart rate up. I have started to drink Atkins Advantage Choc Royale (premixed) shakes every morning. They have 170 calories and 20g of protein. I drink 2 every morning before I walk to work and I drink another 2 for either lunch or dinner. I am doing 4 total and having a REAL food meal sometime for either lunch or dinner. I also recognize that I DO HAVE A SWEET TOOTH! And, to curb this protein all the time with minimal carbs does the trick. Now, when my period comes next week, this could all be a mute point, but, I am thankful that I discovered Atkins Choc Ice Cream, I think they have like 4g of net carbs. They are delicious! So, WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN. Well, I started the week at 187, I am 183 today. So, that’s 4lbs this week and the first 4lbs loss since July. Listen, I am not perfect, I am human...and for the last 2 1/2 months, I have been having my cake and eating it too so to speak. I was eating way to many carbs eating some kind of sweats and desert everyday and drinking a lot of milk. And, YOU KNOW WHAT, I MAINTAINED! Its nice to know that when I reach goal I can do that, I can indulged as long as I exercise. Well, next week will be hard b/c my period is due and I will be 33 on Tuesday the 7th! And, I will drink a few glasses of wine that night and have some birthday cake. Tonight too probably as my sister is graduating from
. However, I am focused now again and I will not be deterred! I want to be 150, realistic? I don't know. 175, a little more doable, sure starting to look ALOT MORE doable now! Plus, since I started Therapy this week, I am working on the mental me too. I am 3 big issues : (1) body image (2) My marriage and (3) Depression dealing with my move to Philly, and wanting to go back to NY. Good luck to all those out there. Don't give up and make WLS a reality for you! Don't sit by and do nothing.
10-4-03(183!!!! even with my period which arrived today) Last night my sister graduated from
. I am SOOOO PROUD of her. She will make an excellent Nurse! I saw this first hand last August when I was recovering in the hospital from Gastric Bypass. Good Luck Holly!
10-7-03 To Contessa & LeeAnn, Thanks for the Birthday wishes you even beat my family to it! I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM 33 TODAY! I don't feel old although @ work, I am surrounded by a bunch of mid 20's men (I worked in the financial industry and I am one of a few gals in a dept full or 20something men)! I weigh 183 today, I also have my monthly on my bday so, I haven't lost yet this week. I am also craving a lot of carbs with my monthly. I have been craving milk and cereal and the past few nights I have gotten up in the middle of the night and eaten a Zone protein bar. WHO KNOWS! Well, no real work for me today, off to a Financial Seminar in Philly and then family & friends for dinner at a great chic Indian restaurant in the city. I love Indian Food. Hubby surprised me with a new Soho Suede Coach Bag. Wasn't the one I wanted (wanted the signature blk print), but, its cute and goes with my suede jacket. Hey now knows how to accessorize as I have been making him watch QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY with me. Well, off to walk Layla. Oh, for those of you with dogs, got her spayed last week just as she must have been entering a heat, well, she's having the after affects of her heat even though she no longer has a uterus! She is waddling all over the house in her hot pants (dog diapers)~ she looks adorable, Hubby keeps saying, "both my girls have their period" HOW FUNNY IS THAT!
10-9-03 How can it be that at 180 lbs, I barely fit into a size 14? I can wear all 16's but, not many 14's. Why is that? 14W is so BIG! So, based on this CRAP, I decided to start looking into a Personal Trainer. I was doing an advanced search on the Internet under "Personal Trainer" and "WLS". Nothing found! So, I modified the search and looked for "Personal Trainer" and I forget but something like "drastic weight loss" Much to my happiness, I found some links. And even more to my surprise, I came upon a website with a familiar face, that of someone on this site and who wears STILETTO HEELS. The site talks about how this Personal Trainer can help you lose half of your body and make you go from this Huge Woman to a Thin One. Well, I liked him indeed. But, what bothered me immensely is that there was no mention of WLS on this page. Why would someone be so embarrassed as to not mention it! Also, why would someone lead others to believe that some who was OBESE could look this good on exercise along! Its really Sad! Things that make you go HMMMMMM! Maybe I need to get me a pair of stiletto heels!
10-10-03 This post is more for me than anyone else, when I write it down, I seem to hold myself MORE accountable. Until its written down, its like it didn't happen, make sense? Also, this is to let you know that WE DO MESS UP, ACTUALLY, MESS UP IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD, MADE BAD DECISIONS? YEAH, THATS BETTER! Well, I am on an Eating Binge today, last day of my period. Pre-ops, don't be scared, US post-ops don't always eat like this, but, this will educate you on the WRONG way to eat and also that you that you can work your way around your pouch and eat WHATEAVER THE HECK YOU WANT! That is why I hate the phrase "lbs gone forever", that is such a joke. B/C YOU CAN REGAIN EVERY BLESSED LB BACK YOU LOST AND THEN SOME! (FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ME AND ARE READING THIS, I AM 14 MOS OUT AND DOWN 123LBS) Ok, its 4pm in Philly, and here is what I have consumed since I got up at 7am: small slice of leftover mushroom pizza, 4 hot chicken wings, small fries & double cheeseburger from Burger King, Starbucks Venti Passion Unsweetened Ice Tea, Lg Oatmeal Raisin Cookie from Starbucks, Lg Glass of Skim Milk w/ 10 small Entenmanns’s Choc Chip Cookies. The funniest part is...I don't even dump and I don't feel like I could throw up. Pre-ops or New Post-ops, I don't do this everyday, usually once a month on either the first or last day of my period! I will probably gain a lb tomorrow also, but, then miracously lose it b/c of my period being over.
10-17-03 Went to NYC last night for Support Group. Within 5 minutes of being there, I got very melancholy as I realize how much I miss the city and it has become a part of my life. Manhattan is who I am, who I have become and you can take Heather out of Manhattan but not take
out of Heather. The last 6 mos have been REALLY hard for me and every time I am up there I am reminded of this and it makes my decisions to stay her in Philly with my husband or return to NYC by myself harder. I am really torn. This is 90% of what I talk about in my therapy sessions (NYC vs. Philly and my marriage). The other 10% is body distortion issues, why I got fat to begin with and general life issues, NO ONE GOT TO 300lbs on their own, no one put the food in my mouth but myself!)...Anyway, I digress. The reason for my trip to my beloved city was for Support Group @ Lenox Hill. Before, the mtg, 2 important things happened: (1) My big ole 183 lbs ASS fit in a tiny subway seat between 2 burly men. Pre-op, I never even would of attempted to slip into that seat! Not only did I fit in that seat, but, I sat there with my legs crossed. It felt GOOD. (2) second thing that happened, I GOT HIT ON! I was in Time Square meet my friend Wendy @ her office and as we were about to cross the street and head into the subway, this FINE, YOUNG (can I say BUCK-hahaha!) MAN, came up to me and was like "I really like your hair cut", smiling at me from ear to ear and then proceeded to chat with me about the Yankees & Boston, etc...He followed me for awhile and gave up. I felt 19! Then, later at Support Group, their was this other guy who has lost a ton of weight an was a hotty before but now he is YUM and I told him that if I wasn't married I would have asked him out! Anyway, lets get refocused, went to Support Group with Gabby & Wendy, Dr Leitman was there, LOVE HIM and discussed a lot of good things. Afterward, went out to dinner with Wendy, had some wine, focalize bread & some good gnocchi bolognaise at my FAVORITE restaurant on the
Upper East Side
, Zucchero & Pompodori. Then, Back to Philly that night on Amtrak and back to REALITY! Big Weekend this weekend, Homecoming at my college,
and dinner tonight with an EX, who I haven't seen since 96. When I graduated college, I was at 250ish, so, people may not recognize me. Also, next weekend is my 15 yr high school reunion. Have a good weekend!
10-19-03 What an amazing weekend. I never in a million yrs would have gone back to Homecoming @ Millersville at 305lbs. I just couldn't have done it. I had SOOOO MUCH FUN! I saw so many people I knew in college that never even recognized me. It was so bizarre. I also got treated in a way I would not have at 305lbs. Weight is funny, it is really looked at as such a horrible and disgusting thing. I have seen this now. I watch the way people who are overweight are treated, I am so much more aware of my surroundings than ever before and I see the way people act around them and this must have been the same with me too. I used to avoid bars at all costs. Mainly b/c I hate cigarette smoke so much, but, also because I always felt as though I was in everyone’s' way. I used to constantly apologize all the time for bumping into people and always "sorry, sorry" when I walked by, when all I was doing is walking by. The best part about yesterday, there were guys who I dated (well, not dated, HOOKED UP WITH, IE. SEX) and they were like "no, is that really you"...I have never gotten so many compliments in my life. I was even getting hit on by one married man. The funniest part, one guy whom I was VERY friendly with in college had no idea who I was, after like 4-5 beers, I even said to him "hey, we slept together once, don't you remember", NO HE DIDN'T. It was too funny. I got to the bar at 12nn (small bar on MU campus) and didn't leave till 1 in the morning! I did WAY too much drinking, but, kinds like grazing with food, that’s what I did with my drinks, I paced myself and I was always in control. I even ate fairly responsibly. OOOH, almost forgot, Friday night when I went to see the EX, he was so shocked by my new look. He knew it was me as we he looked me right in the eye and knew it was me, but, he said if he had seen me on the street, he never would have been able to recognize me. He doesn't know about he surgery either and nor did anyone yesterday, as they hadn't seen me in 10 yrs, they just thought I got skinny.
10-27-03 Ok, before you say, there she goes again, she drank a bunch of liquor and passed out like last time, I wanna start by saying THERE WAS NO LIQUOR INVOLVED (as Ramadan has started and there is none in my house for 30 days!. Last Night I went to this little Middle Eastern Restaurant for dinner (8ish) with one of my husband's friends and his daughter who goes to
. Well, I had Falafel and Hummus and Greek Salad as usual, plus some pita bread and mint tea. Mind, you, I have eaten here and this MANY times before. Well, last night say 1am, I got up and had the WORST diarrhea (sp?_ in my life. I preceded to get up every 40 minutes for the rest of the night, then around 4am, I started vomiting. I was a mess...COULD THIS BE DUMPING? Even in the past when I have felt nauseous, I could never vomit it up as it would have already passed through my intestines. It came right up, no difficulties, I reminded myself of Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I think it was stuck, who knows. Well, this continued on for many more hours all the while I prayed to the PORCELAIN GOD! Finally, bile came up, so, I know nothing was left in my tummy! But, I still have a ton of diarrhea. Anyway, I guess I cleaned myself out pretty good. What do you think this was from, no one else I was with was sick, but, no one else ate Falafel. Was it food poisoning? Dumping? or maybe I had a touch of something, a bug?
10-30-03 OMG, I had a horse from the time I was 6 till I was 18, then once I got to college and joined a Sorority and packed on the lbs, I stopped riding. I used to spend 5-6 hours of every waking day at the barn! I even took my quarter horse to college with me. Now, although I am a NYC gal and a city girl to the core, I do love being in the country (sort of). Most of you know my profile still says NYC, can't part at changing it but, I do live in Center City Philly (Queens Village/Society Hill). I found a gal who is looking for someone to pay 1/2 her board. She recently had kids and has no time to ride or exercise her show horse. Well, now that I am in the 180s and feel as though I can ride the horse instead of it riding me, I am starting back up. I am going out on Saturday to check him out, he is a Chestnut (I think) 16h Quarter Horse Gelding. He is boarded about 30 minutes from my home and I will be able to ride him everyday! Probably will go every Friday, Sat & Sunday, they have an indoor and outdoor lighted ring. I CANNOT WAIT! OMG! I will update ya'll this weekend and I will post a pic. I just found my saddle in my parent’s house and I gotta clean it and my chaps as they are covered in MOLD!