12-12-03 Nothing new here. I am in a really bad marriage, I am totally miserable and I everyday is a struggle. I finally like my job and now, in the next few mos, I need to decide if I wanna go back to NYC (which I so desperately want to be there). I really think I have settled. I love my husband dearly, but, I don't think I am in love with him. I really don't know what to do. NO, I am not seeing anyone else, NO, I haven't met anyone, its just once you have this life altering surgery, you wanna live a little and be who you always were inside that no one could see b/c you were this blob of 300+ lbs Also, on the home front, I think I maybe making some progress in convincing the hubby to move back to NYC! We actually had a long chat about it today! I THINK HE MAYBE COMING AROUND! We will see, lets no jinx myself!
12-16-03 You know what’s funny, my friend Maria sent me a pic of her, me and this guy Mike that was taken at my college homecoming in Oct. When I got it yesterday, I could NOT stop staring at it, I was like, "IS THIS ME"! I couldn't believe my eyes. Not only did I look thin, I looked good and I wasn't embarrassed for the first time in years.
12-18-03 Just got back from NYC. Another member from this site, Marilyn Recto, told me about a program @ NYU where the 5yr Residents & Fellows perform Plastic Surgery on THE CHEAP! She had gone and was interested and knows of someone who used them also. So, I went to meet with Dr Walden @ Manhattan, Ear, Nose & Throat (MENT)the Hospital in the
Upper East Side
where the Richest of the Rich go for a little Nip & Tuck. The funny thing, for being in the heart of the
Upper East Side
, the joint is a DUMP! I don't know how the RICHEY RICH go there and don't complain, maybe the rooms are chic. Maybe its just the prices. The School's Plastic Surgery Dept is at MENT. Well, Dr Walden was very nice. She too agreed I needed a Lower Body Life (LBL). She also told me I should probably get a boob lift and also a mini arm lift. The LBL would be done first and I could come back in a second time to do my arms and boobs. Well, the cost for the Lower Body Lift was, get this, $4800. WOW! Well, I was defintly intrigued until I went to Support Group that night and asked Dr Roslin (not my surgeon, but 1 of the 3 in the practice) what he thought. I will tell you that there is no way I will let them operate on me NOW! Roslin said that Plastic Surgery is an ART, not mechinal like the Gastric Bypass. While he said I could go to a Resident for my gastric bypass, he did not want me going to a resident or fellow for plastic surgery. PS is all about Body Contouring. And, really an art form and I never really thought about that before. He also said that the Lower Body Lift which I want is a very complicated surgery and it involves flipping u over, cutting you all the way around and when we talked, I think I realized I wanted to go to someone that has done hundreds if not thousands, instead of 0-10 or less! Does that make sense. I rather spend the $13,600. So, with all that being said, I got my letter from my PCP and also from my surgeon and all that is being submitted to BC/BS next week. Then I will wait to hear. If I get denied, I will appeal and if I get denied again, I will pay for it and fight it later. According to Roslin, all cases in NY need to be turned over to an independent PS for review and they often deny immed but then pay b/c they don't like to bite the hand that feeds them!
12-24-03 Its XMAS Eve and I have a nasty cold. I also have my period. While at the Dtr's today, I weighed in, fully clothed and after eating and drinking already today and the scale said 197. Now, I normally would be alarmed, but, my home scale said 190 this am and I typically am up 5-7 lbs during my period (lowest weight at 183). Well, I was alarmed a bit, but, then I got to thinking that none of my clothes are tighter and it is the holidays. So, the lbs on the dtr's scale this am was (1) clothes AND shoes (2) the food I had eaten and (3) my period. Nevertheless, I need to get back in the "losing regimen". After the holidays, I really wanna lose a few more lbs before my Plastic Surgery this Spring. I would love to be at 175 before I have surgery. So, that being said, I am gonna start the PROTEIN TRAIN on 1-1-04. And, baby steps, first wanna lose the re-gained weight and then be at 180, then 178 then 175, say by 2-15-04. That would be my 18 mos aniv. MERRY XMAS!
12-31-03 Ok, Its New Years Eve and I AM ALONE AS USUAL! My hubby is working, he is going to NYC this weekend to see his friends (which doesn't bother me) and he is REFUSING to go away to the
as we had planned. Doesn't wanna spend the money. I thought we needed this, time away, time together to work our marriage. It is NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE! I have had ENOUGH! Maybe I don't know what I want, maybe I am MISERABLE, but, I rather be ALONE than with him and miserable! I told my mom today that I want out of the marriage. I also told her that I probably never should have gotten married. She immediately asked me if I was seeing anyone, which I am not. I don't think they understand. Only people who have been through something like this would understand. I saw my good friend Denise last night, she was down from
. We took her 13yr old son to Dave & Busters. Denise was 100lbs overweight some years back and right after she lost it, she LOST her hubby for good. We talked about looking out for yourself and making your self happy. She warned me to get out now before kids become involved. He & I are gonna talk tomorrow. I am afraid he is gonna take me for everything I have. I am scared! I support him while he is in school. I also make all the money. I am afraid he may be an ass and get a lawyer and ask for 1/2. I may even have to pay him alimony and support him for awhile. There is NO WAY IN HELL I will do this. My only saving grace is that his Green Card comes up for renewal next month and he needs me to have it renewed for another 5 years. I think I am gonna get a lawyer, and get a Separation Agreement signed. Then we can figure out who gets what. Try to do this amicably (sp?)...He says he doesn't want anything and I can have the apt in NYC and also almost everything else. But, I wonder what we do about the $13K in debt. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? 1-1-04 HAPPY NEW YEAR...Time for some New Year's Resolutions... (1) GET MY ASS MOVING AGAIN. I have been very laxed on my exercise. I cannot even tell you the last time I was at the gym. With as cold as it has been down here in Philly, plus all the rain, its been very hard to walk to and from work. I need to walk several days a week and I need to get to the gym a minimum of 3/days per week, maybe 4. I would love to become a runner. I have been doing some jogging lately, but, most of the times, I jog about 6 blks down to the Wawa to get a pint of Ben & Jerry's then jog back....That’s not the jogging I want. (2) MY EATING NEEDS TO GET IN CHECK. With the holidays, my eating has been out of control. I eat and eat and eat whatever I want. Whether it is sweets, carbs or bread, I eat it. I also have been eating large volumes of food. Plus, I am drinking with my meals or immediately thereafter, so, I am hungrier again sooner. (3) VITAMINS/SUPPLEMENTS. I am very laxed with them and my last blood work showed early indications of iron deficiency. I need to take them everyday and I need to find a Calcium I can take everyday...Actually, I need to find the least amount of vitamins I can take that will work for me and make it easy. (4) MY WEIGHT. I have gained some weight. I am up to about 190 from 183. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE...My 18 mos aniv is Feb 15th. I really wanted to be at 150 by my 1yr, and I always wanted and still wanted to be 150. I don't know if I am ever gonna be 150. But, I think that is OK! I will be happy with 175. Which I think is doable if I get motivated. I also think I will be happy with any weight as long as I am a size 10/12. Which leads me to ... (5) PLASTIC SURGERY (Lower Body Lift) I am waiting on approval from BC/BS. Paperwork was submitted right before Xmas. The tire around my tummy DRIVES ME CRAZY! It is sooooooo large and disgusting looking. I cannot stand it. I am hoping for approval. If I get denied, another appeal. After that, I will find a way to pay. My mother has expresses a willingness to help. If she changes her mind, I will either take a home equity loan, put it on my credit card or take a loan from my 401k. (6) MY CAREER. My job description has changed. Much to my dismay. I market annuities, now, I am being forced to market Mutual Funds and Separately Managed Accounts also. This all starts January 5th. I need to pass my Series 65 exam (which I have been putting off for mos) and I also need to finish my AAPA Certification from LOMA. As much as I don't want any part of this, I expect my salary to double, so, things can't be THAT bad, can they? Plus, I cover the state of
, which is right next door, so, I can hopefully do some traveling. (7) PHILADELPHIA VS
. I need to decide where I wanna be. I love my job, rather my company and the people I work with, I also really like my boss and that’s so unseen in today's work world. Plus, I like being close to my mom, my sister and her husband, I enjoy there company immensely. But, on the other side, I miss the city. Unless you have once lived in NYC, you will not be able to understand this. It becomes a part of you. Its like the saying "you can take the girl out of the city, but, not the city out of the girl". (8) MY MARRIAGE. What do I say. I am unhappy and my hubby slept on the sofa last night. We came to blows yesterday on the phone and I think it may be finally over. I love him dearly. But, I am not in love with him. I am not sure if I ever was. I think I wanted to get married and that is what society taught me was appropriate. I was 30, 300+ lbs and single. What other choices did I have. I will always love him for loving me when no one else would and also taking care of me right after my RNY. He was sooo helpful. But, I tired to leave him 3X before we got married, and in retrospect, I should have. I didn't do it b/c I was scared to be alone and thought, "who else will love me looking like this". Today, I am asking him to move out. (9) HAPPINESS. Its time to work on me. I will never be happy with anything or know what I want till I figure myself out. I think I need to be alone for 2004 or at least until June when I have to make the decision to stay here or go back to NYC. I did all of this for my body, and I need to work on my head. Also, I need to make sure I didn't do this for nothing. Because right now, I am turning to old habits that made me 300+ lbs to begin with.