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6-1-04 Well, Thank God I am going back to work tomorrow. I have never been so bored in all my life. I couldn't even imagine being a house wife, I would pull all my hair out! I haven't slept in days. It was the same when I had my RNY, couldn't sleep at all at night. Guess what time I went to bed last night, 5:30 AM! I slept till 10am, Whoopee! No more Depends, I am still leaking but taping gauze to me and changing it 2-3X per day is all I need right now! And that quarter size whole above my ass crack hasn't gotten any smaller, either. I am seeing Dr Abramson tomorrow @ 9am before I head back to work. Hoping he will say, 'all looks good, will close eventually, be patient". Not to pleased with my thighs, will talk to him about it but, I need to remember, I did NOT have a thigh lift, so, not sure what I was expecting. I am also still really sore on my outer thighs and also on my back where he did the lipo. I am wondering when that will go away? Well, The swelling must have gone down some b/c clothes that did not fit last week, fit this week. I went thru every dress, skirt, jeans and pants in my closet. 1/3 fit, 1/2 don't. A lot are way big. I but them in a pile for my friend, Berta, who is a little bigger than me! I also got a bunch of skirts from my friend Wendy today, they all fit, size 14, but fit weird b/c I am still swollen and I have to wear them high on my waist! I also tried my bikini, that I had bought last summer, it looks real good, covers the horrific scar. When I saw Wendy today, I stripped down in her office and she didn't think the scar looked to bad. Let's hope she isn't lying to me :-)

6-11-04 Well, I am now 4 wks post-op from my LBL. The hole has all but closed, it is no longer leaking, but, not quite sealed up completely. It looks promising, from what I can see in the mirror. The swelling has also gone down, not that I can tell. The only reason I know this is b/c all my old clothes, that previously were TOO small for the past 3 wks, are now all too big! I am still really swollen though b/c I am still very sore, numb and I can feel the swelling, esp. around my belly button! So far, I am very happy with the hole thing. My only complaint, is that in certain areas of my circumpheral scar, I can feel the stitching above and outside the skin. I know I was to have internal sutures that were to dissolve, but, I can feel this stitching and it rubs and its against my binder at night and my girdles during the day. On a non-PS note, the commute to and from NYC to Philly everyday for my job is KILLING ME! I don't know how much longer I can do it! I am starting to look for a new job in NYC ASAP! I was initially not supposed to see Dr Abramson till the 21st, but, b/c of these stitches, I am gonna see him on the 16th. Oh, last thing, I FEEL SO SKINNY and I LOOK IT TOO! Guys at work comment all the time, "God, Girl, you are getting really thin!"...Still holding at 178 and gonna BEG my dtr next wk to let me exercise again and join a new gym! 

6-13-04 Ok, I am 22 mos post-op, I have lost about 130lbs (305/177/175), 2lbs from my dtrs goal, 27lbs from my goal (150) and I have had a Lower Body Lift. For the life of me, I STILL FEEL HUGE! It frustrates the hell out of me. I don't know what it is. This surgery has done so much for me, but, when people ask what the hardest part has been, I don't say the food, the cravings, the exercise, or any of that, I say "dealing with the body image issues"... Last weekend, I went with a girlfriend to a BBW party in NYC. Boy did I get glares from the gals there. What they didn't know, was I used to be a BBW too. Why do I still go occasionally with my friends? Why do I feel as though I am still one of the crowd? Why do I still see myself as 300lbs? Why do I still identify with these people" Why does it scare me to go new places sometimes? Now that I am 177/178, I always wonder what that looks like, b/c looking in the mirror, well, I don't seem to get the full story there. I look and all I see is 300+ lbs? I work with this guy, Dave, he is the spitting image of Ryan Secrescit (sp?) - American Idol...Anyway, to make a long story short, the 2 guys who sit next to me, they are big dudes and weight themselves every week at the office. They get a kick out of who eats more and who weighs what, well, last week they convinced Dave to step on the scale. Dave weighed 168...Now, Dave is about 5'7...so, now I was like, WOW, am I really that small? I know I have 10lbs on him, but, I also have BOOBS, 36D, so they alone must weigh 10lbs? right? Anyway, I guess I am typing this as a reflection. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few days b/c I have seen all my clothes in my closet go from NOT FITTING (swelling from LBL) to just fitting again to being too damn big to wear in public. I spent the last 2 days shopping....well, browsing really, not buying b/c I THINK I am still swollen and may go down. I was a 16 before PS and now am a comfortable 14 and hoping for 12. I constantly see a gal who I feel looks like me in size and then I watch her in the store and the sizes she picks out. Its very easy to see this when you are picking thru the sales racks at Banana, Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft, Gap, Century 21, Bloomies, Lord & Taylor, etc...I am always amazed to see the sizes people have. Are they really that size or are they trying it on to see, like I so often do? I see gals all the time with 12s and 14s and I think, "gee, they look NORMAL "....well, what is normal. Ok, last rant and rave for the day....Plastic Surgery! I will tell you, as much as I have said repeatedly, "I will never go under the knife again"....OMG, I may have to eat my words. I will say that I am INCREDIBLY pleased with my knew Lower Body. My ass looks amazing, my tummy is sooooooooo tight and my waist looks BEAUTIFUL! In clothes, I look so "hourglass" it isn't even funny! I can wear a slip dress with no under garments and look flat as a board. However, when I went and tried bikinis on yesterday, one pieces too, I was soooooo disgusted with my thighs it wasn't even funny. Maybe I was disillusioned when I had my LBL...Maybe I HEARD only what I wanted to hear from my PS and was under the misguided notion that my thighs would MAGICALLY become tiny too. Now, don't get me wrong, they did get smaller (and when I take 1 mo post-op pics today, naked, I will compare them side my side and see the truth) but, they still need work. I don't know if I got enough of a lift or enough lipo? When I see Abramson on Wed, this will be the 1st thing I bring up. When I saw him 2 wks ago...All I was concerned about what the GIANT HOLE IN MY ASS that was leaking fluid. Now, that that has all but closed up and the swelling has gone down some and my thighs don't look as good as they did swollen, I will have to have a chat with him about this. Maybe I can have some more lipo? Maybe a mini thigh lift? Maybe he can clear me for exercise and when I start running, POOF, they will disappear? Maybe, I can chop my head off or have a lapotomy and this wouldn't really matter? Well, enough from me....End result, I need to get back into Therapy. I have many issues, I stemming from this weight loss and a ton more that are no resurfacing after many yrs. With the end of my marriage (he is moving out Sept 1), the PS, getting really close to goal, being back in the city I love and being alone for the first time in 5 yrs, I will need to do some head work.

6-21-04 A BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has emailed me this past 6 wks about how I am doing since my Lower Body Lift on May 11th. I saw the dtr last week and HAD been healing nicely, most of the swelling had gone down and my hole (above my ass) was just about to close. Well, UNFORTUNATELY, nothing is easy in life and I was dealt a blow this weekend. On Sat, I was headed down to S Jersey to go to a BBQ/Pig Roast reception for my cousin to celebrate her marriage. I was headed on Rt 55 South and just north of exit 50, I lost control of my car (it was a rental, I had a Eclipse Convertible b/c Budget had NOTHING else available Friday evening), apparently the tire blew. I tried to regain control and swerved (word?) all of the 3 lanes for a good few seconds and then, at 65 mi/hr went off the road and slammed into the pole that is in the center of the interstate that lights up the interstate. Thank God the passenger side of the car slammed into the poll, of I would have surely been dead. As I was heading towards that pole, I saw my life flash in front of me and I was like "OMG"....Well, after impact, I was surrounded my 20+ people who called 911 and a nice gentleman who toke off his shirt and tied it around my had which was deeply cut and bleedly profusely. I was taken by ambulance to Kennedy Washington Hospital and there they realized I had lost a lot of blood and when they cut my dress and underwear off me realized my PS incisions had opened up. About a 6 inch portion of my LBL incision and about 3 in wide. I freaked, so did my mom who had just arrived at the hospital. They called my PS, and he was surprised it would open up at 6.5 wks post-op. At this point, I was transferred to a Trauma Center at Camden Crozer Univ Hospital . There, they did a lot of x-rays, etc. I was strapped to this board for hours. I am so sore b/c I am not supposed to stand of lay flat for 6 mos after PS. They wanted to do exploratory surgery b/c of the open wound. My PS and the Attending agreed that if the Cat-Scan came back negative as well as all the x-rays, they would just clean me up, sew me up and let me go. Well, the Cat Scan came back negative and they were gonna staple me up, I threw a fit...I begged them to sew me up instead of staples, I had just paid $15K for the PS and didn't want the staples. Around 2am when they were done, they decided to keep me overnight b/c my iron count was very low 9.9 as I lost a ton of blood. I was released late yesterday and am home now. I had stitches on an open wound on my hand also, I am also very nicked up all over as I was covered in glass from the collision. I am very sore and bruised in my shoulders, chest and neck from the seatbelt, nice bruise to prove I had it on. I was very lucky and am very lucky I am still alive today. Well, I am off to take some pain killers and take a nap. I need some R&R. 

6-26-04 Went to the Obesity Help Regional Mtg in NYC. What a waist of my time. There were all of 20-30 people there. I got there around 2ish and bolted at the 1st break at 5pm. I cannot complain about the $25 though, b/c what this site gave me has been immeasurable. But, one would think a site soooo big with so many people would do better to market something and get better speakers, supporters etc. I was thinking of going to the one in DC in Nov, I am no rethinking that. What a joke!

6-28-04 (173) I am on the mend form the accident. I am scheduled to see my Plastic Surgeon today to get my stitches removed and to evaluate my progress. I am also in the midst of getting the films from my Cat scan and x-rays sent to my Gastric Bypass Dtr, Dr Leitman, b/c he wants to make sure everything is still in tact from the accident. I would say it is b/c ever since PS almost 7 wks ago, my appetite and food level has been quite low. I am down to 173 this am. It may also be b/c of dehydration. I overdid it again Sat night when I went out. Why don't I LEARN? I had 3 glasses of wine and I was rip roaring drunk. I was a very sloppy drunk, so drunk in fact, that the cab driver kicked me out of his car b/c I threw up. I called the hubby to come get me. he found me on the corner of 52nd/6th ave. I vomited a lot and spent all day Sunday in Bed. I never learn.