7-1-04 Well, hubby is looking for a new apt. As soon as he finds a place, he will be moving out. Very sad about this whole thing and that our marriage didn't work out. Maybe I am incapable of loving someone? Maybe I have no idea what I want b/c of all the changes in my life in the past 2 yrs. What I do know is that I will love him to the day I die and that I want him to be in my life forever. So does my family. When I think back, I realize I got married for all the wrong reasons. I was 30, 300+ lbs and felt my options were limited. I mistook love for passion. I do love him, I am just not in love with him. And, I am no longer attracted to him. I am really fucked up in the head. I need some therapy and as soon as he moves out, I get settled into a new job in NYC and get some stability in my life, I will be seeking just that!
7-2-04 I went out with some friends last night in DE. My best friend from childhood and some friends that I have known since middle school. Some haven't seen me in 10 yrs. Boy, were they floored. Plus, the others haven't seen me since PS. We were at a bar/restaurant and whenever someone looks at me, I wonder if they are thinking "why is she eating that" , "why is that fat girl wearing that outfit", "who does she think she is kidding"...The way I view myself and the way the world views me is miles apart. Even though my BMI is 28.8 (5'5, 173) and I am still overweight, I know I am smaller than anyone else close to my weight b/c of the Lower Body Lift and Lipo. WHY IS IT THEN THAT I STILL SEE THE BIG OLE ME? I was also asking a friend, another post-op, how she would describe herself. I ask this, b/c asked to describe myself, I still think "plus sized"....am I average? a few extra lbs? Curvy? Athletic & Toned? If the average American woman is a size 14, then I am defintly average b/c I am now a 10/12? 7-5-04 Much to my shock and amazement, I bought a pair of size 10 pants at Express this weekend. I was floored when they fit. 7-6-04 My husband, has found a place to live. He is moving out by weekend. I am both sad and excited. I am sad b/c I still love him, although not as I once did and definitely not in the same way and I am excited b/c this will be another part of my journey and my new life. First surgery, then PS and now I am on my own and hoping to find true happiness. I am on the road.
7-11-04 Well, after many months of yo-yoing back and forth about should I tell him to go or let him stay, I made up my mind this last month and asked him to move out. Well, after helping him move all morning, I sit here, on my own for the first time since Jan of 2000. I am officially free (well, not completely till divorce final)..but, I Feel AMAZING! I have accomplished so much in the last 2 yrs and although I still love my husband dearly, as a dear friend, I am no longer in love with him and we will be better friends than Husband and Wife. Here is TO ME! THE REMAINDER OF THIS YEAR IS ALL ABOUT ME, NO ONE ELSE, TIME TO BE SELFISH AND PUT MYSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. .
7-31-04 I am embarrassed that it has taken me almost a month to update. My life has been crazy: recovery from PS, the car accident, commuting to and from NYC to Philly everyday for work (5 hrs round trip) and the breakup of my marriage (husband moved out 3 wks ago). I am also in the midst of starting participation in a WLS Clinical Trial. You see, I can eat a lot, my pouch has not stretched, but, my opening is very large, avg opening is 1.3 diameters. Its called the Barr (Bard?) study and they go in an put a stitch or two in your opening, which makes it smaller and allows food to empty into the small intestine the way it should, SLOWER....So, I should start to see weight loss again. I just started exercising again on Tues, first time since PS and car accident. I am swimming laps. It feels good, although free style stretches my incision, so, I stick to back stroke and breast stroke. Claudio moving out has been hard. I am lonely. I have been trying to date. Boy, how hard is that, even at a size 10. I think b/c I was alone for so long even when I was married, that is the reason I am craving attention. Who knows. On the job front, I am making some headway. As said, the commute is killing me. It makes doing much other than work virtually impossible. I get home between 7-8 and am in bed my 11 b/c I up at 5am am out the door by 6ish. Lots of calls, nothing concrete yet. Also making some headway on getting my boss to allow me to telecommute and work from home 2-3 days a week. He already authorized it during the Republican Convention, THANK GOD, I was soooo dreading that week. Still holding with the size 10's, got into a pair of 8's at Express the other day, but, they were stretch, so that doesn't count. In 16 days, I will be 2 yrs out.