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Has it really been two years??
I am not in the sappy kind of mood tonight, so I am sure this won't bring tears to anyones eyes, but I did want to babble a bit about the last two years.....what has changed, what hasn't, what I have learned and what I am still struggling with.....you get the picture. While I still like black, I no longer wear it 9 out of 10 days. My wardrobe actually has an array of colors. I learned that the Good Will is awesome!!!  I love running into people I haven't seen in a long time....there is no longer the shame I felt when I was heavier. I no longer make up excuses not to go out with friends. Bars and social events are no longer things to avoid.  I can eat in public and no longer feel like I am being judged. I realize I will never be a barbie doll and that is OK!! What ever my final product ends up being, it will be awesome because it is me!! I can now belch like a drunken sailor....I couldn't burp to save my life pre-op. I know! Such a lady like talent!!  I will still resort back to old habits in times of stress without even realizing I am doing it. However now, I am able to stop the behavior and redirect myself. My tool is awesome....he (Oscar the Pouch) still kicks me in the ass when I have done something he doesn't like. Rolling over in bed no longer causes me to break a sweat....as a matter of fact, not much, other than exercise, makes me break a sweat anymore!! My feet no longer hurt...even after walking or standing all day. I can go from day break to bed time with out stopping and not be tired...although, out of habit, I still finding myself saying "I am TIRED!" and then I have to laugh at myself because I am NOT tired. I no longer avoid my reflection in mirrors and windows. I no longer have credit cards to Lane Bryant, Avenue and Catherine's. My knees no longer crack when I climb stairs. I no longer send small children flying across the room with a bump of my hip. I can get down on the floor to play with my niece and nephew and actually get back up without a second thought. I fit through spaces that I never would have fit through before...although, I still occasionally have that moment of panic thinking that I won't fit. Although I have worshipped the porcelan God more times than I can count, I can't seem to get it through my thick head that shoving spaghetti down my throat like it is an olympic event is NOT a good thing!! I am still working on eating slow, taking small bites and chewing the hell out of food....you wouldn't think it would be so hard to do! I now realize that I deserve the best that life has to offer. I am who I am and that is a great thing to be and if you don't like it you can bite me  I feel NORMAL! I am much better at accepting compliments. NO ONE IS PERFECT!! Everyone struggles. Everyone has issues. Everyone has successful times and times when they need help. This is a journey, not a race to see who can get to the finish line first. I have learned that my time line is not the same as the next persons. Do I get frustrated at times? Yep! Does feeling frustrated help me? Nope! I crack myself up!!  Humor is no longer something to hide behind....I'm am just plain ole funny LOL I still, and will always, have a f*cked up relationship with food. Funny how foods that were soooo yummy pre-op, don't taste so good any more, but I still have desire to eat them. I am struggling with grazing...but only at work. Until I become independently wealthy, I guess I will have to learn how to deal with the grazing. Where I used to eat the WHOLE thing (insert food item here), a bite or two will now satisfy my craving. Sometimes I will fill up on 2 or 3 bites, other times I can eat an entire horse! Don't worry...I can't really eat a horse, but it sure seems like it! I still dump and have become more sensitive as time has passed. I love that I get this feed back from my body. My feet and fingers have shrunk! My ass and thigs are having a bit of trouble catching up with my upper body. While my shirt size is solidly sitting in the misses department, my pant size is teetering on the wall between women's and misses. grrrrrr  While I was almost aways hot 2 years ago, I am almost always cold now. It's amazing how much you save in gas and electricity when you don't turn the air conditioning on! I speak my mind now....most of the time. I will walk across a crowded room now and not feel embarrassed.....two years ago, you couldn't have paid me enough to do so. I will even bend over and pick something up without fear that my rear end will cast a shadow across the entire room!! I have a million and one allergies now that I didn't have then.....go figure!! However, I am no longer teetering on the edge of diabetes.....insulin resistance is GONE!!! All of my cholesteral levels are great! My blood pressure is perfect. My liver and kidney functions are wonderful. My sugar related levels are where they should be. I can no longer move my baby grand piano with just a bit of hip action!! My dog Tucker weighs MORE than I do ....he is a BIG boy!  I never thought about it until now, but pre-op, the combined weight of my two dogs and I was over 600 pounds!! Yes, my dogs are big, but so was I!I no longer have to lift my hip and twist around to buckle my seat belt....i just slip it in....and there is now PLENTY of extra belt left. I can get in and out of the back seat of a two door car without getting my butt stuck between the seat and the car door frame. I have found that I am confident with my body in space...i can move without planning, my balance is 1000 times better, I will climb over, under and through anything without a second thought. I no longer think about moving....I just move.  I signed up to take a pottery class....something I would have never done because I would have felt too self conscious doing so. I love wearing "real" jeans now.....no more elastic waist pants for me! Plastic surgery is in my future...although, silly me, I was hoping everything would go back to the way it was in my 20's....ha!! Life is cruel LOL I got carded the other day....the man said " You don't even look like you are 18 years old!!!"" I had my big sun glasses on  .... I said "are you on crack??" (ok, not really, but I was baffled at his remark) and took my sun glasses off....he said "oh yeah...you are WAY over 18!!" LOL Thanks jack ass!! People tell me I look 10 years younger, but I guess 20 years is a bit too much to ask for!!My self esteem and confidence have increased by leaps and bounds. I am no longer worried that the chair I am sitting in is going to break under my weight. Getting on the scale at the doctor's office is no longer a cause for a panic attack. I no longer dress in the "lightest" clothes in my closet as to not add any more weight than I have too. I no longer bother taking off my shoes in hopes of knocking off a few ounces before getting on the scale. There have been bumps in the road over the last 2 years, but I have overcome them. I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I now have the most incredible group of friends that each add something unique to my life. I love each and every one of you! Life is good! 1 Comment(s)
Comment by ntreeged on Sep 12, 2008 at 05:39am
I thoroughly enjoyed your blog today! Every paragraph I said "YES!!!!" to myself and giggled at your wit! Way to go! I'm new to this and hoping to have WLS, doing my 3 month insurance prep. I hope to have the success you have had Heather!
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