ObesityHelp

Because all I ever see is how fabulously others are doing and it kills me a little more inside every time.   Mind, I don't begrudge the success of others, I'm glad that they've gained health and functionality.

But I have to be honest here when I say that it just burns me up to see these same people sipping a double sugar latte and eating a pastry laden with fat and sugar and the weight just keeps falling off of them.  These are the same people who never bother to exercise or make any real changes to their life style, but they're rewarded with success after success.

Am I jealous?  Likely, but I'm secure enough with myself to admit just that.  But not jealous of the success as much as I am jealous of the lack of work they've put forth to gain their successes.  And the superiority oozing off profile after profile just makes me cringe.  Most of it just reinforces the terrible line from which people stare down on those of us who are obese.

I had RNY five years ago with small success.  I had a necessary revision just over a year ago.  My weight still shifted upward.  I cut out sugar.  Still gained weight.  I clipped carbs completely, I still gained weight.  I followed a register dietitian's recommended diet and still gained weight.  I walked two miles a day and worked with a bungee -- and still gained weight. 

I mean it's not like we can hide out diets from our doctors anyway, so why would I lie?  I'm trained as a phlebotomist, so I know the tests pulled to see if we've been behaving.  Glycosylated hemoglobin , for example.  This will tell your doctor how much crap you've been eating over the expanse of time since he last looked at the number.  You can't sneak by your doctor, so don't even try.

But when you do as you're supposed to, eat as you should, exercise, your numbers show the effort and mine *do* show the effort.  The only number, frustratingly, that doesn't show my complete immersion into a healthier me, is my weight.

All of this means a hill of beans, though, because I feel like a failure.  Those who only see me rarely see that I'm gaining weight and they assume I've some how managed to screw up the surgery I had to help me lose weight.  People are cruel when it comes to your weight.  Hating the obese is a socially acceptable and one of the last accepted forms of prejudice.  And it's a crying shame.

Self esteem is a fragile thing.  So is vigilance.  I'm getting tired of walking up hill both ways and seeing no results for my efforts.   

But, yay for you and all your success.  Good on you.

Still alive, still fat.  BMI still enough to kill me.

Broke, without medical benefits, and struggling not to fall into depression.

I'm increasingly curious about StomaphyX.

Anyway.  Still alive.  Don't check in here, much.