...So we're at lunch the other day--5 of us--and in the midst of conversation, another co-worker comes up.
Turns out this co-worker has a hearing impairment.
...that NO ONE knew about. (well--it waas ONE person who dispersed this information)

HILARITY ENSUES.

but things made sense.
(NOW.)

(entirely too late.)

smurfette: "Didn't you see her hearing aid?!?!"
dirty smurf: "I thought it was a bluetooth!!"

HERO smurf: Oh--so THAT's why she talks like that!! It makes sense now!

Dirty smurf: "I know right? I thought she was......I thought she had a.......disability. Like------mental disability."

Smurfette: (SHOCK) "You're so mean!!!"
Dirty smurf: "No--I'm not! I don't mean it like that!!"
Smurfette: "Yes you do--you KNOW what you want to say!!"
Dirty Smurf: "NO! NO! I SAID what I wanted to say!!"

Smurfette: (to Pun smurf: )"So--did you know?"
Pun smurf: "I don't care!"
Smurfette: You really don't like that person! but WHY? That person has never done anything TO you--that doesn't make any sense!!"

(long pause.)

Smurfette: "what?"
Pun smurf: "Are you sure that person has a hearing impairment?"
Smurfette: "that person has a HEARING AID!"

Dirty Smurf:   "I thought it was a bluetooth"

everyone (in unison) : "SHUT. UP.!"
Pun smurf:
"......
well--in that case--I might kinda feel bad, then."
Smurfette: "Why?"
Pun Smurf: "Because I think that the reason why I don't like that person has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I DID NOT know that that person had a hearing impairment."

Smurfette: "YOU'RE SO MEAN!!"

Pun Smurf : "What?! What?! it was a honest mistake!!"

Smurfette: "you don't like her!!!"

"Mike, you should see how he acts towards her!!"

"I know--it's bad--but I didn't know."

see--one day--after you introduced us--you know--she was cool--i hold nothing against anyone! so i saw her soon thereafter--and--I SPOKE--you know--nothing spectacular--just a "hello--how are you doing?..."

and she said NOTHING.
so i was like--oh--it's like that? so ever since then--i was like "fuck that person!"

(laughter all around)

"but that person has a hearing impairment!!"

(everyone else, in unison): "we get it!!!"

no!! but he's so mean!!

I am.
it's bad.
like--I'll be on the elevator...and she'll be coming for it, and I'll let it close. it'll just leave her there. i don't care.

(everyone in shock)

"see? He's so mean!!"

There'll be like a group of them--and i'll say "what's up"! TO. EVERYBODY. THERE. one.by. one.
...and not say a thing to her.

(shock)

So--now that you know the situation--will you switch up?

(long pause)

No....

(shock)

...I kinda like it.
Like--that's one of the few joys I have throughout my day.

(laughter/shock/choking on food/ spitting out drinks)

**takes off kid gloves**

SO.
TIRED.

Not as in fatigued.
as in...FED UP.

TIRED.
of feeding into insecurities
...repeating myself
...being the bigger person
...taking responsibility
...dealing with cowards

of worrying
...worrying
...and worrying

of racing thoughts
...being bombarded with the problems of others
...setting examples for those who should KNOW BETTER.
...listening to LIES.
...pretending to believe them
...witholding the fact that I do so

of not learning from my mistakes
...not learning from my mistakes
...not learning from my mistakes
...not learning from my mistakes

of spreading myself too thin
...putting band-aids on bullet wounds
...pretending that everything HAS to "fall into place"
...being indecisive, confused and plagued with impossible choices

of being the nice guy
...being politically correct
...reminding self that with age SHOULD COME restraint and control
...denying self the satisfaction of knocking someone the fuck out.
...not being able to solve certain problems the way that has never failed me before.

of this PLANET
...it's inhabitants
...their behaviors 
...the fact that one must assimilate in order to blend.

SO. TIRED.

yet I go to sleep every night...
...to hopefully wake up the next morning...
                                                       to do it all again.

Hello again.
Isn't it...amazing...how one can forget/disregard/abandon what may be right for them?
(Damn, no rest for the weary, huh?--You JUST GOT HERE and ALREADY i'm bombarding you with questions! Suck it up, soldier--you know who you're dealing with.)
I've been free falling lately--somethin' terrible. No parachute. No airbag below. Just free falling--not knowing WHERE I'm about to land...
or HOW.
Free falling...waiting to see if I'll land on my feet.

I've never been the type to be unprepared though.
(Always have a "Plan B" for your "Plan B"--that's a HERO original--use at your leisure.)

SO---I have one broken, half-empty web cartridge, some expired spinach and an old utility belt.

it's not much, granted.

...but enough to work wonders with.

Time will tell.

Anyway...I know that writing helps me to release. Yet I abandon it on a regular basis. As if I....forget.
I still can't explain it. If I had the time, I'd write DAILY. If I could, I'd write on my BIKE. With my snowboard strapped to my back. You couldn't IMAGINE the marvelous shit I'd come up with.

TRUST ME.

So--until then--I'm going to have to settle for when I have the time. Only thing is, I'm free falling. a keyboard or pencil is the LAST thing on my mind.

...but they need to be.

I'm here now, though--let's see what I come up with after today's "session".

Again--I'll be all over the place--no one topic. I have so much knocking around up in this head of mine. I try to remember what I would like to write about. Some of it I grab, some of it is long gone.

Strap in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, I wake up and I can smell the tires on the bike. From my BED.
THAT can only mean one thing.
I go to Am's room and wake her up.
Two words emerge from my direction.
"Saddle up."

She wipes the cold from her eyes.
Gives me the "are you serious?" look
and THEN deciphers the words.

I love that little girl.

(For You, my friend: the one who will one day capture her heart:
YOU'VE GOT BIG SHOES TO FILL--I WORK ON IT DAILY. THERE'S REALL YNOT GOING TO BE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO THAT SHE HASN"T DONE OR EXPERIENCED BEFORE--DEAL WITH IT. CAPTURING HER HEART IS MERELY THE PRESEASON.

MINOR LEAGUE PRESEASON.

IN JAPAN.

You've got to assist in raising the CHILD(REN).
oh yes--you've got BIG SHOES to fill.)

Anyway, it'll take me all of 15 minutes, (tops) to get ready.
HER? Forget about it--I might as well go back to sleep.

Fast forward to when we're FINALLY in the garage ready to roll out.
We're both excited--it's been awhile since we've rode out. She knows the deal--we won't be back until TONIGHT.  and it's 8a.m. We'll catch up with Mama later on in the day, Babygirl--no real destination--just riding. 

So--we roar outta the garage.
I'm TOO excited.
So excited, that I fail to secure my helmet strap.
....didn't even notice. 

About to hit the highway...
i'm gonna pull on this throttle like NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
Two taps on her hand--she knows to get ready.
But then she taps ME twice. Something's wrong.

She's yelling something, but with her visor down and the roar of the bike--I can't make it out--so I pull over.
(DAMN, AM!)

"What's up, Mama?"

"You didn't strap your helmet, Papi."

"Oh--okay--good lookin'--I--"

"If you don't strap it, it will fall off and break--and then if you fall off, you'll hit your head, and you might get a concoction."

"A WHAT?"

"A concoction!"

(laughter) "A CONCUSSION, mama?" (more laughter)

"Yea, that. Stop laughing at me, Papi !!"

We rode that ENTIRE day. Until the rain rescheduled our plans, that is.
We spoke about everything under the sun.
Her little brother
her fears
her excitement
her plans
her upcoming school year

She worries about no longer being the only child. Unfortunately, there's probably nothing we can tell her that will adequately ease her worries. I know that I'll be able to SHOW her better than I can TELL her. but I can't do that until that time comes.

How will I be able to love another life when I've only loved one for all this time? I can't recollect a time when I didn't love this little girl. Why is this NEW chapter something so scary?

Free falling.

For the past 5 years, I've worked for the feds. it was a 5 year grant. the grant has run it's course. Today's...what? The 11th? Two weeks to go.

Baby on the way.
Cee's about to start maternity leave.
Motorcycle season's just about over
and I won't be snowboarding this year.

Free falling.

I have little to NO regrets.
The last regret I had?
Held it for 10 years!!
Know what it was?

I regretted not buying the Adidas EQT's when I was in high school.
Remember those? The one with the neoprene sock?
(those were SO HOT.)

So--they were recently released--I bought damn near every color.
Regret over.

So--I recently discovered another.

a few, actually.

Let me set it up:

I sit--we sit--My team and I, and....talk.
about everything.

a couple of guys, shootin' the breeze discussing the world we live in, what we need to be focusing on--what we DON'T need to be focusing on---you can imagine.

Well--GUYS--just like GIRLS--talk about the shortage of ELIGIBLE girls AS WELL.
Really! GUYS ACTUALLY HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS AS WELL.

When I say--we say--THEY say--"eligible", it isn't the GIRLS definition however. not really.

(That's another story for another day.)

ANYWAY...This is a conversation that I don't ever EVER partake in.
Mind you, do any of us need to partake in it? No. but if we did--and we DO--It is a conversation that I have NO say in.

Because ME?
I have this uncanny ability...
to locate 

           EACH

AND

                     EVERY

        ONE.


So yes--in a roundabout, funny sort of way... I have a FEW regrets ....without having ONE.

I'm happy where I am.
No regrets about that.
but we all go through "what if"...
(only I can admit mine)

but after awhile...
how many "what if's" can one have?
can you live with yours?
mine HAUNT me.

I regret the mistakes I've made.
I regret the chances I've missed.

but my past makes me who I am today.
and I have no regrets about who i am.

I hope to one day leave my past IN my past.
but i doubt if that will ever happen.
I'm not sure if I WANT it to.

Free falling.


I wake up at times, like we all do--with a jingle or a song in my head.
"..F-R-E-E- that spells free, credit report dot com, ba-bee..."

That wasn't it--but admit that it's been stuck in your head AT LEAST once in the last couple of weeks or so!! LOL!!

Anyway--I wake up with a song in my head, and I INSTANTLY know that I'm going to be late for work on that given day--today was no different. Just like when you wake up with a craving for a certain food (you do so because there is something in that specific food that your body is in need of--do your research. (NO, your body is not in need of a CINNABON--maybe something high in SUGAR, you know?)

Anyway--when I wake up with a song in my head--I believe that it's something that I need to hear--for a certain reason--oftentimes not unknown to me the reason why....but I'm MORE THAN WILLING to try to find out why,--so I start the search. You should SEE me rifling through old cassettes/CD's first thing in the morning, ransacking my closets, KNOWING i'm gonna hear about it when Cee gets home and sees it.

So--Today?

"Sincerely" by Brand Nubian.

Not ashamed to admit hurting this morning.
Not ashamed to admit playing it over and over again DESPITE hurting.

"This one goes out to all the black women across the whole planet Earth, givin' our black nation birth....
Nothin' in this universe is worth your worth
So we dedicate this song, black woman...

[Lord Jamar]
This one is for every woman I was ever wit'
The ones that I cared about and ones I just wanted to hit--
I feel ashamed for all the times that I called you a bitch
And I, know I was wrong--
can you ever forgive?
The negative, we used to use sex as a sedative
I abused your respect for me
I would choose to react disrespectfully
Never thinkin' the impact would come back to me
Now I'm the Sun, and I know you're my reflection...
Let me give you love and my protection
Proper education,
Allah's correction
Internalize, within your eyes
I hope you realize
that I apologize,
for all the lies
I never meant to make you cry 
all the mistakes that I
may have made,
and games that I've played
(have) been put to an end, black women...

 ...Let me take this time, to let you know you've been on my mind,
and even though I always haven't been kind
I wanna show you that you're really divine, sincerely...
 (repeat 2X)

[Grand Puba]
Now she's the most beautifullest thing in creation
She gives me motivation
causin constant elevation
(I) see her more than booty used in lustful situations
So feel the vibrations,
she's the mother of our nation
Now for oh so long
you stood by us so strong
even when we done wrong,
so I dedicate this song
More priceless than a worldly treasure,
you bring

love,

joy,

pleasure,

countless things that are unmeasured...

Some raise seeds all alone
with no father in the home
but they still find the strength to continue on
I see you more than a crackhead or a chickenhead
or just a piece of somethin' I'm tryin to get up in my bed--

You often say a lot of times we demean
Sometimes we do to lift the hardhead ones up to queens

Our whole purpose [should be] to give a proper surface
cause the black woman always is a queen

...Let me take this time,
to let you know You've been on my mind and even though I always haven't been kind
I wanna show you that you're really divine, sincerely..
 (repeat 2X)

[Sadat X]
My fondest thoughts and memories go out with you
And I'm sorry for that time that I hit you...
The finest lights-- you radiate, you lookin bright
And that's why I love you with your chocolate skin!
Finer things were never made in this world
There you are: lookin like somethin' --
worth somethin'--
 (You) make me feel pride when you walk with me,
Sit down and talk with me, (even) for a minute.

It's kinda hard for me not to stray--
But I think I'm gonna start today--
Hey, I'm tryin, at least I ain't lyin'!!--
Send a rose to your wife, she probably saved your life--
Put up with cheatin' and she mighta got beaten--

You can't build a Foundation based on lies and deceit--
I'm tryin to be right, I want my cypher complete.

 Let me take this time, to let you know
You've been on my mind, and even though
I always haven't been kind
I wanna show you that you really divine, sincerely...
 

Free Falling.

A friend of mine recently told me of the enormous respect she has for black men--which--for some reason, seemed so...strange...to me
--for some reason.

Nevertheless--It made me feel GOOD to hear it. She didn't say she had enormous respect for her husband, her brother, her father---she said Black MEN as a whole.

This. song.

At times, you can (at least I can) hear the..sincerity... in the lyrics.
You can hear it over and over again--a million times--and FEEL the HEART put into the words.

It's a shame that as men...
Black men
ANY MEN
...we're not taught
to reveal our SINCERITY
ESPECIALLY when revealing it reveals everything else as well.

our regrets
shortcomings
demons

To do so is...

unnatural...

to a certain extent.
I respect the HONESTY in the words.

I feel the shame.
Not ONLY for ME
but for EVERYONE else.
but ESPECIALLY for ME.

Don't forget....Brand Nubian--"FOUNDATION" (1998!!!--the lyrics STILL need to be heard--10 years later.)

(Please--try your best to Google the lyrics to the music your children might be listening to. Make it the topic of conversation one day. It is your choice whether you might want to police/ban what they're into. It SHOULD however, be a healthy balance. Just a suggestion.)

Free falling...

The conversation between Cap and Peter:

(Preface: Young hot heads go in above their heads to confront another group of young hot heads--One of the hot heads on the OTHER side of the law doesn't care and takes out a large part of "Connecticut" with an elementary school nearby, killing countless THOUSANDS. The Government steps in, stating that they've had ENOUGH. From this point on, every super-powered being must REGISTER with the government, revealing their identities. Failure to do so is now BREAKING THE LAW. Of course, some of the heroes agree, while others don't. Both sides have excellent reasons why. Cap already works for the government--so, naturally--they assume that he's down with them. 

THEY'RE WRONG.

CIVIL WAR begins. Hero against hero, friend against friend.
Cap and Peter start on opposing sides. Peter later jumps ship, realizing his mistakes. He meets with Cap, asking WHY he fights AGAINST what he's SUPPOSED to stand for: THE LAW.)

Cap begins by quoting Samuel Clemens and rephrasing it afterwards. This is part the conversation:

"...In a republic, who is 'the Country'?

Is it the government, which is for the moment in the saddle?
Why, the government is merely a temporary servant; it cannot be it's prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. It's function is to obey orders, not originate them.
Who then, is 'the country'?  
Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit?
Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they only have their little share in the command.
In a monarchy, the King and his family are the country; in a republic, it is the common voice of the people. Each of you, for himself, by himself   and of his own responsibility must speak.
It is a solemn and weighty responsibility and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government or the empty catchphrases of politicians.
Each must, for himself alone, decide what is right and what is wrong and which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man.
To decide it AGAINST your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor--both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may.
If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and your country. Hold up your head. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Cap's interpretation:

"Doesn't matter what the PRESS says.
 Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say.
 Doesn't matter if the whole COUNTRY decides that something WRONG is something RIGHT.

This nation was founded on one principle above all else:

The requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences.

When the mob and the press and the WHOLE WORLD tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the WHOLE WORLD--

--NO,
YOU  MOVE."

lately, I've wanted to post a MULTITUDE of blogs--just haven't had the time.

I'm lying.

I haven't had the DESIRE.

(and to be honest, I don't have it NOW, either. However--I need to release--and what better way to do so? Either I beat up the keyboard or I beat up someone else. Sure, one feels SO MUCH BETTER than the other, but one is ALSO more therapeutic! --DON'T YOU WISH YOU KNEW. )

Let's get a few of the thoughts outta the way though--some are already lost forever, which is a CRIME. Forgive me. Here goes:

1.) You mothers out there--Y'all KILL me. Cee and I accompanied Munch to a birthday party today that took place in a large park. I'm sitting on the benches paying OH SO MUCH attention to the parenting skills (or lack thereof) of the parents around me. A mother beside me calls her child over and they engage in a brief conversation, the majority of it revolving around it being time to go. Of course, the child wants to stay. it is EVIDENT that the MOTHER on the other hand, has had her fill of the park and WANTS TO GO.

But she's a mother.

Despite HER feelings (I'm telling you--it really was evident!!) she says to her son: "Okay, five more minutes" and he runs off to play.

(Cee is GOOD for that!

"Okay, Munch--five more minutes!!")

Five more minutes is NEVER five more minutes--it's always a good ten or fifteen. And I ALWAYS want to leave the park--So me? I get all excited and shit! 'Cause now there's a DEADLINE!!

Alas--it's NEVER "five more minutes".

(Mothers!)

Father's on the other hand? When WE'RE at the park and we say "five more minutes"?

.............................You BEST BELIEVE you've got THREE.

...and ONLY three.

okay--one thought out. How long can I keep this up? About how many do I have?

 

Cee graduated with her Masters Degree in Social Work this past Wednesday. Although she was fully aware of it and has been for the past year or so, I think it hit her AFTER the actual ceremony. She stepped out of the auditorium, where her mom, stepfather, dad, Munch and I were waiting and burst into tears.

Yea--that's when it hit.

Over the past 5 years or so, Cee has realized a LOT about herself.

I feel bad.

I feel bad because she comes to these realizations, and she gets so excited!! She comes to me....as if for validation...and I never think that I respond the way she'd like me to. I truly believe that she wants me to share in her joy--and I DO. I TRULY do.

But she comes to these realizations--and when she does, and she brings them to my attention,  I find it...difficult to be or act SURPRISED. And I tell her:

"Carmen--I knew you were capable of (whatever) ALL ALONG...

...YOU were the only one who doubted yourself."

( I really need to improve my...bedside manner. But i'm sorry...it wasn't news to me!)

(Remember in "Unbreakable" when we find out that Mr Glass is to blame for all the horrific acts? I've seen that movie a MILLION times. When we find that part out--I don't get surprised EACH AND EVERY TIME...because I ALREADY KNOW.)

it's the same thing. It may be news to you, Cee--but I'm sorry--I knew it all along.

Congratulations, Cee. I knew it all along.

Two thoughts out...Hold on...I'm about to jump around here..I'm trying to identify the source of my discontent, so I'll be hitting all targets--don't say you weren't warned.

......Oh. Stress ISN'T ALWAYS BAD. There is GOOD stress as well. I learned that many moons ago. You could have a lot of positive things happening all at once--and it could very well be STRESSING YOU OUT. Please keep this in mind.

....Captain America became my favorite superhero in the time it took me to read THREE pages.

Three.

He simply told another WHY he did what he did on a daily basis. ...and I felt that shit. (Someone PLEASE remind me to post that conversation!!) It was Spider-Man--and it was during.......?.....CIVIL WAR. They were just chillin' on a roof top--Peter had come to him for advice because he was beginning to realize that he had chosen the wrong side and he HATED himself for it. He hated what he had DONE. He hated that he gone against his beliefs.

So Cap tells him a story. More like WHY he's fighting. WHY he fights.

...and he finishes....and Peter has this LOOK on his face.

(This is a COMIC--how the artist captured it is AMAZING.)

...and he says something to Cap like "Can I carry your books to school for you for the rest of the year?"

And I remember feeling......that I probably would've said THE EXACT SAME THING.

DON'T GIVE UP YOUR BELIEFS. NO MATTER WHAT. PLEASE.

Three thoughts out--I can feeling it getting closer--I'm almost there.

(I WILL post that conversation. I actually typed it out and posted it in my office--I read it the other day and got the SAME FEELING I got when I read it the VERY FIRST time.)

My little brother's having a baby. I couldn't be happier.

I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER.

I already laid down the law--I couldn't care less what the situation is with shorty--that child is RIGHTFULLY my niece/nephew. "Let shorty know!!"

Anyway...His ex didn't take it very well. Not well at all.

TOUGH.

As a result, she made a rather...disparaging comment. One that I'm ASHAMED to relay. I'm actually EMBARRASSED to admit to you all that I've ALREADY relayed it. I feel EQUALLY as guilty for doing JUST that.

..............I can't even continue with this conversation. I want to verbally lash out in ways I seldom do. Yes--writing is a release for me--however words can't describe how I feel in regards to this.

I am evil in ways UNKNOWN. My MOTHER can attest to this.

I am evil in ways UNKNOWN. My MOTHER can attest to this.

I am evil in ways UNKNOWN.       My MOTHER can attest to this.

UNKNOWN.  I am unaware of what I'm even capable of.

(laughter)

---You...

...you didn't think..............

you DID, didn't you?

...When I said that I was "evil in ways unknown" YOU thought that I meant that YOU didn't know!!

(laughter)

I  do not know.

I  am unaware of how EVIL I can be.

I keep surprising MYSELF.

(i can just IMAGINE what I'm cooking up this time around--"that marvelous shit to get your mouth waterin'"

Anyway...If it wasn't you, TOUGH. If you hate the parties involved because it wasn't you, TOUGH.

But there's a LIMIT.

a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit. a limit.

THERE IS A LIMIT.

So--for all of you that might be out there--hating the fact that IT JUST ISN'T / WASN'T YOU and you have the overwhelming URGE to spew HATE out of those mouths of yours:

You're ALL cum-drinking whores and you like to get fucked by animals.**

Don't mess with me or mine.

...and these are just thoughts.  WORDS.

IMAGINE me in the flesh.

Steele (my little brother) is too kind. THAT, of course--is what makes him Steele. I'm not so lucky. I'm the one with the curse. Only I LIKE mine.

Another thought out .....and wouldn't you know it? I feel SO much better. There's more--a lot more. However, Too much time has passed since beginning this post and now. My SINCERE apologies to those of you that might have been offended. I made an attempt to censor my thoughts, unfortunately, the method I chose was as far as I was willing to go.

My apologies to those of you that may have seen a side of me that you were unaware of. If you've been around, you'll see that I've admitted MANY TIMES that the Michael here online is but a GLIMPSE of the real deal. I have issues. AND PAPERS TO PROVE IT.

(jokes.)

Good night--I feel better! I sure hope YOU do!!