In 2011 it was the most uplifting and heart wrenching year for me all in one. I had my focus on so many things other than myself...I mean I even forgot my surgiversary! How could I ever forget one of the most important days in my life?? I was so caught up with living life that it came and went and now I am embarking on another new year! I am so excited about the upcoming year because I am more focused on myself and working on the issues that I have in my life and within myself. I didn't ever run the 5k in 2011...so that is one of my goals still in progress. I must say that it's been hard for me to get back in shape since I've put on some weight but I have been actively trying to get it back off. I've been going to the gym for 2 weeks now and I'm loving it (sometimes a little too much). I set a personal record this week and I've even broke that last night. When I was at the gym 2 nights ago I was on the elliptical and completed 6.75 miles in 1 hr. Last night, I did 6.82 miles in 1 hr, however I was a bit disappointed in myself because I didn't burn quite as many calories as the night before. You know for me the cycle began at that moment, I was obsessing about not burning as many calories, then I was thinking ok, I can't eat many carbs tonight or drink as many beers. So then I got myself in a tizzy over it all and became more and more frustrated and aggervated with myself until I thought "ok, I need to control myself now and make a better choice so that I don't regret eating the wrong thing or drinking too much!" I pulled myself together and went to bed.

This morning, I went through the usual routine, and then hopped on the scale. It hadn't moved since last week....ugghh what disappointment I felt. I was ready to throw the scale out the window! I mean I have been just busting my butt at the gym for the last 2 weeks and my weight has stayed the same...WHAT???? Again, more disappointment...but today I am eating less, drinking less bad things and still going to the gym tonight. I know in my heart that eventually this hard work will pay off...at least it better!! I guess now I am going to have to deal with my body being different from last year and getting the weight off is harder and harder. Overall, I have to remember that I am going through this to reach another goal and I should enjoy my journey getting to it. I tell myself that my body is getting healthier, and hopefully I will lose 12 lbs or so in the next couple of months. I have upped my protein...lowered my carbs and I am snacking less and less. Eventually my body has to give up a few pounds.

So looking at the last two weeks and toward the future I know that I am destined to be great! I have the thoughts of a new career in my mind and I am looking forward to having (hopefully) full custody of my daughter. I have enjoyed the holidays with her and I appreciate all the new things that her and I have done together, like painting, making Christmas ornaments, baking and just seeing how much she is changing on a daily basis. The stress of moving into a new home with my boyfriend now, is behind me and we are all 3 getting settled in very nicely. I can't wait to see what I can do in this new year, and I can't wait to see where my journey will lead me. I am giving it my all so that I can finally enjoy the life that I have now.

Best wishes to everyone for the upcoming year and achieving whatever your goals and dreams may be!

I can't believe that it's been 6 months since I last wrote a blog post. My life has definitely been amazing at times, disappointing at times but yet I am trying to handle it all in stride. I wish that I could say that surgery fixed my head but it hasn't the same old unlying issues exisist. When I am stressed I eat, I am a stress-eater and boy have I been surrounded in stress. My daughter is now 3 years old, and we are still living with my mother. I have been trying to change my career but I have yet to find another job. I've been sending out my resume for months and I haven't really had any bites.

My weight is pretty stable, I've been maintaining at 161 lbs, size 6 (some 4's if they're big). I look and feel beautiful now but I still battle the picture that I see in the mirror. I've put my old pre-op pictures on my mirror to try to deter me from binging at night. I have noticed that sometimes when I binge it's on good choices but I really wish that I didn't have that addiction.

I'm finally waiting for the court date for my divorce and I have been feeling more in control of my life. However, I have met someone that I have fallen in love with a few months ago. In a way, I wish that we hadn't met until after my divorce was final especially because of some of the drama surrounding it all. I feel guilty that he has to hear the stories of hell that my ex is still trying to put me through. I really never expected it to be this bad but I know that my ex is not a good person and wants to punish me. Now that my ex has lost all control he's trying to use the one thing that still has some leverage, my daughter. It's sad but now he's threatening to take custody of her and it's all just because he wants to hurt me.

My boyfriend has been my rock and has listened to me and my concerns. I love how his point of view is completely different from the way that I see it. My whole family is worried and doesn't want me to date anyone serious yet. Although I dont feel like dating around, it's just not me. They are so concerned that I am going to start meeting with my therapist again, just to be sure that I'm ready and that I'm able to make the right choices. I also am working to get my debts paid off so that I can get out on my own. I think that I would feel a great sense of accomplishment if I could, so the next few months I will be saving up to get out of there. I just hope that things will go in the right direction because I haven't been so happy in a very very long time. I just don't want to screw anything up, especially concerning my daughter. I love her so much.

Well another day and I am enthusiastic about life. I know that God has a plan for me and I am excited to get to the good part. There has to be a good part right?? I mean before I had WLS I was thinking "ohh if I could get the approval" then it was "ok, now I am approved but if my surgery date would hurry up and get here" then it was " now if I could lose 100 lbs" then it was "when I get to Onederland!" now I am trying to maintain at goal (I have gained some weight back) and I am trying to move on with my life. I only want the things surrounding me to match my new lifestyle and I want to clear out the junk and get to the good part in life. I am begining to realize that it's not so much as getting to the end but I must be enjoying the journey. All too often I over look the good stuff in the middle and expect to make it to goal...all the while forgetting to stop to smell the roses in between. There are days when I totally forget to nurture myself, to take the time to do something for me...I still have to make me "a priority" and it's hard. I mean after living my life this way for as long as I can remember it's not that easy to change my habits. I must say in the last few weeks I havent worked out...and I need to. I have let myself get wrapped up in relationships or trying to start a relationship and it hasn't worked out. I have been thinking of going to a 12 step program to get some help. I have already taken some steps to rectify some of the hurt and bring closure to my past relationships. I wrote a note to my 1st husband and mailed it to him. I can't bear the thought of speaking to him for fear of rejection and for the fact that I would just cry and cry, my fear is that he wouldnt listen to me.

So back to the last few months...I have teetered in the thought that I would try to have a relationship. I started seeing a trainer for a few weeks, it lasted about a month but I felt that since it wasnt really going anywhere that we should end it. My thought is that I wanted him to make time for me, he wanted a friend w/benefits to fit into his schedule and that just wasn't my idea of a healthy relationship. So I ended it with him, then a week or two went by.

I met a guy that is a counselor, and it's been good but he seems like he's holding back. I really like spending time with him and I would love to do things together as a couple but he doesn't do much. Then there are days where he doesn't call or text or anything but yet he takes the time to post on FB. So if he can find time to go to FB he should have the time to just send me a quick "Hi, Im thinking of you" type note. So this has been the 3rd weekend now that he's ignored me on a Sunday, this time I didn't text him back...Monday comes around and he text me and I didnt text back. I needed to think about what I want and expect from him. If this is someone that I talk to daily and I spend time with then I expect him to be honest with me and up front. I told him from the begining that I was not looking for a friends w/benefits relationship. I wanted to have someone in my life that is a companion, friend, lover and be a father to my child. I know all of that would come with time but even in the begining he should have respect for me and treat me decently. I can't stand how men text or email people in your presence, if you are spending time with me then spend time with me not with your phone trying to hook up with someone else. So that's where I am at now.

Frustrated, hurt, disappointed. I feel that I am the only person that I can count on to not hurt me. I am tired of it, I feel that I have been led away from my original focus which was to care for myself, become closer to God and take care of my daughter. Now, I have sinned, I smoked a cigarette, drank a beer and been intimate an honestly it has not been in my plan. I am now more unhappy than I was before and I just wish that these people had not been in my life. I am not sure why they are but I plan on seeing that I get back on track.

I am afraid, so afraid that I might not have more children...you see I love my daughter dearly. She is the best thing that has happened to me and I really want a family. My biggest dream in life is to be a mom again. I adore being pregnant, being a wife, helping around the house, having a dependable person to come home to, I want to be loved. I want a good husband, good father, and decent provider...someone I can trust. I don't have to have a great house or a brand new car...I just want to be loved, adored and live a good Christian life and a big family. I have had so many people tell me that is what they want too but only to find out that they just want into my pants. It's really sad and I am sad to say that I has put a damper on my dream, I no longer want to look for that special man to share my life with. I am praying that God will help me get back on the path that I need to be on.