What am I? on February 15, 2010 11:29 am
What am I, is the question that came to my mind today. It's not just the question but more like the story of my journey in life that made me who I am today. So, What am I?
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I am a Christian, I have believed in Christ Jesus since I was child. Yet, I had strayed in various times of my life and made choices that I knew were wrong. However, my life seemed to get back on track when I became a more faithful servant. Yet, I am not perfect and I am still a sinner...however, I come to Jesus in prayer to ask for forgiveness.
I am a compulsive over-eater. For years of my life, as long as I can remember, I would hide my emotions with food. When I was a child in trouble I would sneak food and eat it all until the container was gone. When I was sad, loney, made, happy, or excited...I would turn to food...dinner, snack or just something. I may be in recovery for that addiction but it is very much in the back of my mind. Yesterday, I had a relapse...the emotions of my struggle right now just got the best of me and I turned to food. I am so glad that I see it now but I need to stop it and get control of myself before it happens again.
I am a mother. Something that I thought would never happen but God blessed me. It is amazing and the best job I have ever had. Yes, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year and I get the best Paycheck...lots of little hugs, kisses and sweets smiles and "I love You's" that a 22 month old can give.
I am a wife. It's what I always wanted but not quite what I thought. Daily chores, meals, laundry and all... but not the support or companionship that I imagined I would have at this stage.
Perfect example of my life was yesterday. I went to church in the morning, after church went to my sister's house so the kids could play and we could visit. On the way to her house, I spoke to my sister and mother about my relationship and where I am at with the separation. Tears of course came to my eyes and I was telling them about how hurt I am, my emtions were on a roller coaster. Last night went to church, I made a cake and a veggie tray for the fellowship dinner. So I made a plate and shared with my little girl. I had 2 turkey meatballs, 3 pieces of broccoli, 1/3 slice of sugar free pie, and a 1.5" x 1.5" piece of cheesecake. I knew that I shouldnt have the cheese cake but it was a small piece and I was going to share with my daughter. She ate 1 meatball and I ate the rest of the plate. UGGHH...immediately I turned red had a hot flash and felt nausea...stomach cramps. Ok, so the cheese cake did me in but it was the reason that I ate it that made me angry and sad. I had a rough day emotionally so I over ate and it was a poor choice, dessert...something that I have not had in a really long time. It had been since Thanksgiving to be exact. So I load up the car and as soon as we leave church what does my husband say, "You over ate! You don't need to do that! You need to stop it and you should not have ate the cheese cake! " So what did I feel like....just like crying. I was really wanting to knock the crap out of him but I stopped myself and I am so thankful to God that I let it go for that time. Yet, here I am today still upset about it and writing, crying and praying about it. I am so sorry that he has no control in his life but that is something that only he can change. He does not have to control me and my life because of his short comings. He shouldn't eat 75 % of what he eats but I dont beat him up over it. I pray that God will continue to give me wisdom and strength each and everyday. I pray that the end of my marriage will be near and that I will be able to move on and get out of the abusive situation. I pray that I can keep my composure for a little longer.
So what am I? I am a woman, armed with knowledge, determination, faith and love...working on making my new life the best that it can be and enjoying the little moments with of joy with my little girl.
Feeling so Down... on February 3, 2010 7:54 am
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I have to say that the last few weeks have been very hard on me. Mostly emotionally, and I have just let my focus on creating new habits go to the way side. So a little of catching up on what's gone on...I decided that after not getting my needs fulfilled to go see an attorney for separation papers. I really want to get divorced because my husband refuses treatment for gambling and things are just not working out with us. I haven't told him yet that I hired an attorney because I know that he would try to manipulate me and make me feel like crap. So I will explain it all when I get the papers in my hands. I am sure that he will be angry but it's what I have to do. I know that I will be in a huge battle for child support and spousal support but I have no choice.
I then got a notice in the mail from the mortgage company saying they hired an attorney to go into foreclosure on our home. Yes, my husband is continuing to gamble away all of our money and now we are losing our home.
Ugghh...I am so afraid of what will happen but I know in my heart that I will be fine and I will be able to care for my daughter. I keep reminding myself that the worse case scenario would be that I would be the sole provider for her fianancially but at least I will be able to live with family for a while. I just need to get away from him..he makes me feel so bad. I just really want to divorce him. I am so tired of feeling bad and he manipulates everything that I say just so he can yell at me. It's been really depressing for me. I have felt so down, with no energy and no focus on meeting my nutritional needs. Over the weekend we had alot of snow and I was stuck in the house for 3 days. So you know what I turned to...CARBS! The worse thing for me but that is how I have dealt with the problems before...so yes, I ate crackers all weekend. Yesterday I felt so bad that at lunch time I made myself do a workout video. I haven't worked out in 2 1/2 - 3 weeks but yesterday I did. I will do it again today. I have to pick myself up and remember that I am not his victim anymore. He can not make me feel so bad that I neglect myself. I deserve to be happy and healthy and not feel so miserable. Today I ordered some literature from O.A. and I hope that it will guide me toward being focused on eating right.
I really need some prayers and I need to get out of my home and marriage ASAP!