ObesityHelp

I guess it's time to tackle this task.  I have surgery scheduled for February 6th and I am filled with anticipation and anxiety.   I've been fat since I was 9 years old.   My sister was diagnosed with insulin dependent diabetes when she was six and I was four and her childhood was rough as a result....and apparently so was mine although you would have never known it.   The only thing that was wrong with me was that I ate...too much.  Years later in therapy I learned that I was subconsciously trying to achieve what she had - the attention of the whole family as she struggled with her illness.    A childhood desire completely non-rational and dangerous.   I was 200 pounds in highschool - 230 a the end of my freshman year in college.  I remember a family picture taken at that time.  I loved the dress I wore, my hair was gorgeous, my makeup skillfully applied and when the proofs came I didn't recognize that person.  Who was that fat girl.   My whole childhood my overweight grandmother and aunts, and my overweight parents encouraged me to diet.....they were loving but misguided.  They would suggest diets but never try one themselves, so eating became an act of defiance as well.   My clever aunt Tory asked me to accompany her to a weight loss clinic when I was 20 - to make sure she didn't sign up for a program that was a waste of money (she appealed to my intelligence and judgement and never mentioned that maybe I would benefit as well).  Well, it worked - we both joined and I lost 80 pounds....a 500 calorie a day diet - daily weighins....I went on to loose another 30 pounds and I went from a fat girl to a hottie.   I moved to NYC to go to graduate school and I lived 12 years as a normal weight person - I dated, had a great time - ran all over NYC in high heels - don't know how I did that.  Met my husband...sweet sweet man, left the city for the suburbs and a new job with a lot of stress.   I blame being happily married for the first 15 pounds I gained, the new job for another 15 or so.....25 or so on top of that for moving out of NYC where I walked everywhere to a life out of a car, and well.....100 pounds overweight again by the age of 40.   I lost some beloved ones in my life, the job stresses were enormous and all the frustration and emotionally filled compulsive eating returned.   My health started to fail (it's much harder being fat in your 40s than it is in your 20s.....my joints were older, my energy level poorer).  I developed diabetes at 43 (just like my dad who died a miserable death due to complications from diabetes he developed at that same age).  I was finally a member of the diabetes club in my family - both parents, my sister....and it brought no satisfaction.   My husband watched as I got weaker and suffered from one complication after another (horrible staph infections, neuropathy in my feet).  I was so chronically sick I had to go part time with my job.    Forgot to mention - in 2000, when I was 40, I decided to pursue WLS - they had just started to do the RNY laparoscopically and an eager young surgeon was eager to helpe me - I was turned down.  While I qualified with a BMI of 40, I had no significant co-morbidities.   In three years I would develop several - diabetes, hypertension, hypercholesterolemia/triglycerides, fatty liver.  So here I am.....a few weeks before surgery.   I view my relationship with food as a bad marriage - I adore it, but it is dangerous for me - I talk about food with my mom everyday (a two time cancer survivor who is on hemodialysis three days a week) we watch Food TV across the miles and talke about recipes.   She's nervous about this for me but knows I'm tired of the illness and the struggle.   I'm lucky.   WLS is offering me the first real hope in years that I will be able to be healthy again.  I gain so much from reading the profiles and posts of everybody here.